More Realistic Approach for Dealing with Others

[PelagiathePenit]

I am very much into personal responsibility. I think as adults you are fully responsible for your choices and the consequences that fall your choices. I am not prone into giving into pity for people making poor decisions. I feel like there is always options. People need to learn and grow. Someone confronted me with the fact I can be impatient and expect others to be perfect all the time. In the real world, people do not react ideally. I usually tell people what they are doing wrong so they can fix it. One of my friends told me when people often, do and will repeat their mistakes so I need to be patient. Just because I told someone something on Monday, does not mean by Tuesday, they will remember. I do not like wasting my words. I feel like if I tell you something once you should remember. My friend keeps telling me I will spend my life angry over everything because people will often do little things that are wrong. Not every issue is worth addressing. Is it really the end of the world, if someone forgets to wash out one dish? Sure, they should not forget. I am not their maid, and I should not clean up after them. People have moments of absent-mindedness, forgetfulness and stupidity.

 

[Sunbreak]

Guess what, people are not perfect and never will be. If you are constantly bringing up other people’s faults you will just create frustration for yourself and no one will want to be around you. Consider that something you consider a fault or mistake may be something the other person doesn’t consider important at all. Not washing out one dish is not a big deal at all and hardly worth mentioning. People don’t have to live according to your rules of perfection.

 

[Elena321]

I am very much into personal responsibility. I think as adults you are fully responsible for your choices and the consequences that fall your choices. I am not prone into giving into pity for people making poor decisions. I feel like there is always options. People need to learn and grow. Someone confronted me with the fact I can be impatient and expect others to be perfect all the time. In the real world, people do not react ideally. I usually tell people what they are doing wrong so they can fix it. One of my friends told me when people often, do and will repeat their mistakes so I need to be patient. Just because I told someone something on Monday, does not mean by Tuesday, they will remember. I do not like wasting my words. I feel like if I tell you something once you should remember. My friend keeps telling me I will spend my life angry over everything because people will often do little things that are wrong. Not every issue is worth addressing. Is it really the end of the world, if someone forgets to wash out one dish? Sure, they should not forget. I am not their maid, and I should not clean up after them. People have moments of absent-mindedness, forgetfulness and stupidity.

If washing out a dish is the problem,then perhaps stick a large note at the sink area to remind people?

 

[ServusHumilis]

I am very much into personal responsibility. I think as adults you are fully responsible for your choices and the consequences that fall your choices. I am not prone into giving into pity for people making poor decisions. I feel like there is always options. People need to learn and grow. Someone confronted me with the fact I can be impatient and expect others to be perfect all the time. In the real world, people do not react ideally. I usually tell people what they are doing wrong so they can fix it. One of my friends told me when people often, do and will repeat their mistakes so I need to be patient. Just because I told someone something on Monday, does not mean by Tuesday, they will remember. I do not like wasting my words. I feel like if I tell you something once you should remember. My friend keeps telling me I will spend my life angry over everything because people will often do little things that are wrong. Not every issue is worth addressing. Is it really the end of the world, if someone forgets to wash out one dish? Sure, they should not forget. I am not their maid, and I should not clean up after them. People have moments of absent-mindedness, forgetfulness and stupidity.

Why should anyone feel they have to listen to you anyways? It’s not your life.

 

[Beryllos]

I am very much into personal responsibility. I think as adults you are fully responsible for your choices and the consequences that fall your choices. I am not prone into giving into pity for people making poor decisions. I feel like there is always options. People need to learn and grow. Someone confronted me with the fact I can be impatient and expect others to be perfect all the time. In the real world, people do not react ideally. I usually tell people what they are doing wrong so they can fix it. One of my friends told me when people often, do and will repeat their mistakes so I need to be patient. Just because I told someone something on Monday, does not mean by Tuesday, they will remember. I do not like wasting my words. I feel like if I tell you something once you should remember. My friend keeps telling me I will spend my life angry over everything because people will often do little things that are wrong. Not every issue is worth addressing. Is it really the end of the world, if someone forgets to wash out one dish? Sure, they should not forget. I am not their maid, and I should not clean up after them. People have moments of absent-mindedness, forgetfulness and stupidity.

Your friend is wise and has given you good advice.

That doesn’t mean you have to clean up other people’s messes or fix everything they have broken. You can let them suffer the consequences of their own choices. Don’t make their problems your problems. I admit, that can be tricky, especially if these are people living in the same household, or people you work with.

Perhaps they would listen and respond better if you talk about the impact it has on them rather than on you. I hope you are not communicating an attitude like “Look what you are doing to me! I am offended! You are making all these problems for me.” It might be better to communicate "If you do this right, you can (a) have more fun, (b) feel better, (c) earn more money, (d) be more popular, or (e) whatever floats their boat.

Also try to speak to them always with kindness and compassion. I know it is not easy, but I think this approach is more likely to make things better, more likely to improve your situation. It will require patience though. Good luck…

… and God bless you.

 

[christofirst]

Over many years, I have learned that we humans are a complicated bunch, and when it comes to what motivates our behavior, one size does not fit all. We make choices, yes, but often there are many things not easily controlled in us and around us which influence our ability to make good decisions. I suggest you try to go a little easier on the people around you. If you are a champion of discipline, then thank God, but do not expect everyone around you to necessarily meet your high standards. Work gently with the people around you. There are ways of expressing yourself that do not come across as confrontational or demanding. Try to appeal to your loved one’s better nature if you can. Your anger over these people is only hurting you, and not helping them. Patience is a virtue. Before you demand that someone else change their ways, see how easy it is for you to replace your anger with patience and understanding.

 

[Book_Worm]

Unless a behavior has a direct impact on you, it is exceedingly rude to point out others’ faults to them.

I have a great deal of difficulty in understanding why you think you have the right to correct other people.

Who put you in charge?

 

[christofirst]

I feel like if I tell you something once you should remember.

Maybe you would do well in the military, where orders are expected to be carried out promptly, without question, and to the letter. Also, for the sake of your future sanity, I hope you can let go this notion of “I should only have to tell you once” before you have children of your own.

 

[Mystical_Seeker]

One psychologist explained “assertiveness” as “appropriate” ways to deal with situations. That does not mean “aggressive” as some think.

He says we view others’ behavior like through a window. And he separates the top half into two sections and the bottom into three. The top represents behaviors that do not cause me a problem, while those below, do.

Here are the categories with some examples:

Behavior (by my opinion) because …

• it is not my problem (you had a bad day at work)
• it is not a problem at all. (you did or gave me something nice)

Not OK behavior (by my opinion) because …

• it causes me a problem (you’re standing on my toe)
• it causes a needs conflict (two errands, one car)
• values collision (you should do/wear/say that)

All of this assumes “I’m OK and you’re OK” – that is, neither of us really wants to dominate or offend the other but we just want to deal with this situation. If you don’t have that, these approaches may not work as well.

Causes me a problem, give them" “I feel X when you Y because Z.”

The Z is important in most cases; standing on toe hopefully not you don’t have to say “because it hurts” but don’t assume they know why you don’t like something. Say, “I feel sad when you use the term ‘Jew’ that way because my accountant is Jewish and I trust him.” I don’t know; whatever the story, just don’t assume they know why you don’t like what you say you don’t like.

And not is is I feel X WHEN Y, not BECAUSE Y

That is super important. I feel attacked “when” you say this, not “because” you say this. The first one, I own my feelings; I’m asking you to own your action. In the second, you are giving them control over your feelings, blaming them for your feelings in addition to just noticing their bad behavior, and blaming them in advance for hurting you if they ever do it again.

You say how you feel, and why, because that gives them a framework to see how they are coming across. Not because you are blaming them for pulling your emotional strings – and in my opinion you should not give it to them. If I am upset “because” somebody says something offensive, then I have to work on my beatitudes.

For needs conflict, it’s about problem solving. See who needs to do what an allocate resources for it. Working together kind of thing; no magic formula.

And for values collision? Mention it once, and then let it go. “I think I liked your hair better before you added the punk colors.” – ok now they know, let it go.

For the top half of the window, if they do something good you can also give them a “I feel X when Y because Z” statement, but not quite as careful. But don’t judge them positively, like if I say, “Thank you; I love it when you bring my slippers because it just reminds me that you care.” that’s ok but what if she never has brought them before and I say, “you are a great wife for bringing me these slippers,” then that raises the question of whether she has been all along, or if she doesn’t do it every day now does that mean she’s a bad wife? Jesus suggested not to judge; that can apply to positive as well as negative judgments.

And for the “not my problem,” just let them know you are there. “I see your day has been bad. I’m here if you want to talk.” Don’t assume they do or don’t; just offer.

Anyway not rules but ideas.

MS

 

[GLam8833]

I sympathize w/ the OP, yet in matters of spiritual lapses,
I feel the need to correct ppl for their spiritual mistakenness
like their constant complaining about not getting any winnings
on their lotto tickets 'n how it ruins their day, or what they are
doing for entertainment for the weekend(watching movies or
going to restaurants). I get annoyed when they completely ignore
that w/o God those things are MEANINGLESS! If God wills, I can
find entertainment and enjoy my meal or visit with my friends(Jam 4:15)
Sometimes when we correct our friends(in love) we are benefiting
OURSELVES, because we ALL have blind spots in our world views
and can HELP LOOK OUT for each other in our Christian walks!!!

 

[Sarcelle]

I am very much into personal responsibility. I think as adults you are fully responsible for your choices and the consequences that fall your choices. I am not prone into giving into pity for people making poor decisions. I feel like there is always options. People need to learn and grow. Someone confronted me with the fact I can be impatient and expect others to be perfect all the time. In the real world, people do not react ideally. I usually tell people what they are doing wrong so they can fix it. One of my friends told me when people often, do and will repeat their mistakes so I need to be patient. Just because I told someone something on Monday, does not mean by Tuesday, they will remember. I do not like wasting my words. I feel like if I tell you something once you should remember. My friend keeps telling me I will spend my life angry over everything because people will often do little things that are wrong. Not every issue is worth addressing. Is it really the end of the world, if someone forgets to wash out one dish? Sure, they should not forget. I am not their maid, and I should not clean up after them. People have moments of absent-mindedness, forgetfulness and stupidity.

You seem to have the classic Type A personality.

Can you give some concrete examples of how you pointed out what others are doing wrong?

As for expecting perfection, let me point out that you are expecting something of others that you are not capable of yourself. No one is perfect.

 

[Origen52]

You seem to have the classic Type A personality.

Can you give some concrete examples of how you pointed out what others are doing wrong?

As for expecting perfection, let me point out that you are expecting something of others that you are not capable of yourself. No one is perfect.

Very wise words which echo the words of Jesus

How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

 

[blueshells]

I am very much into personal responsibility. I think as adults you are fully responsible for your choices and the consequences that fall your choices. I am not prone into giving into pity for people making poor decisions. I feel like there is always options. People need to learn and grow. Someone confronted me with the fact I can be impatient and expect others to be perfect all the time. In the real world, people do not react ideally. I usually tell people what they are doing wrong so they can fix it. One of my friends told me when people often, do and will repeat their mistakes so I need to be patient. Just because I told someone something on Monday, does not mean by Tuesday, they will remember. I do not like wasting my words. I feel like if I tell you something once you should remember. My friend keeps telling me I will spend my life angry over everything because people will often do little things that are wrong. Not every issue is worth addressing. Is it really the end of the world, if someone forgets to wash out one dish? Sure, they should not forget. I am not their maid, and I should not clean up after them. People have moments of absent-mindedness, forgetfulness and stupidity.

Hi Pelagia,

Sometimes people have different orders of doing chores or different priorities. It may help to gently remind them if their behavior is truly affecting you, but not hound them. I have a different style of cleaning than my mother, and it generally drives her up the wall but doesn’t bother other people.

Also, this may be an opportunity to love! My roommates in college one year, after several months of living together, stopped doing dishes, so they would be piled in the sink sometimes for days. I finally stepped up and just started doing them for everyone, meditating on the whiteboard we had above our sink which said “‘Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.’–Mother Theresa.”

It might also be good to read A Story of a Soul by St Therese of Lisieux, if you haven’t already. It helped me a lot to get over the little things that annoyed me about people. She has a particularly precious story about a nun who rattled her rosary beads and another one who splashed her with water doing dishes.

 

[Anne1964]

I can relate to the OP as the small things in life used to drive my crazy. I was frustrated and angry with people because they did not do the things I thought they should do.

I worked with my spiritual director for two years on learning how to accept people as they are and not as I thought they should be.

I remember one conversation I had with him where I was complaining about my supervisor and how he was so stubborn and never did anything right and he was just stupid!!! My SD looked at me and said gently, “Have you ever considered that your supervisor might have different ideas than you about how to handle problems x, y, and z?”

“Oh,” I said. Well no, that hadn’t occurred to me.

I began to pray for the grace to accept people as they are. I prayed for this grace numerous times a day, seemingly endless times a day, and gradually, I noticed I didn’t need to pray for it as often and my relationships became more peaceful with people as I became more tolerant and accepting of the fact that not everyone thinks like me or has the same priorities as I do.

Do things still annoy me? Sure they do, but not as often as they used to and I don’t become as frustrated or angry as I used to.

Trying to change others into what you think they should be never works because the only person you can change is yourself.