More thoughts on non-catholic parents and honor

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So I am hopefully starting RCIA this fall (if we can get schedule conflicts worked out). My question here is how to handle my parents. My family is from one of those strongly anti-catholic groups. This is combined with a strong tendency to treat adult children as, well, still children. Combine that and you get a recipe for not having productive discussions.

My questions:
  • What exactly does “honoring” parents entail in this case? I appreciate some of their teaching, but there was also a lot that was really harmful, to the point where I often think I would have been better off being brought up without religion.
  • Is there any particular reason I need to tell them about my conversion right away, or would it be best to simply not mention it? I really have no expectation of a productive conversation.
  • If it does come up, what is the best way to enforce a reasonably polite conversation? I’m not asking them to agree, but I do think I should be able to expect them to refrain from guilt-trips, especially from my mother.
 
You should check out the conversion story of Patty Bonds (it is the last story in Patrick Madrid’s "Surprised by Truth #3). She went through everything you describe and more because not only were her parents, family, husband and friends anti-Catholic, her brother is a well known, professional anti-Catholic apologist. As an adult child, your parents no longer have the authority to make you belong or not to belong any religion, that is now your choice. The Holy Spirit is calling you into the Catholic Church; sometimes we have to give up everything and follow Him.
 
Catholic1954 said:
You should check out the conversion story of Patty Bonds (it is the last story in Patrick Madrid’s "Surprised by Truth #3). She went through everything you describe and more because not only were her parents, family, husband and friends anti-Catholic, her brother is a well known, professional anti-Catholic apologist. As an adult child, your parents no longer have the authority to make you belong or not to belong any religion, that is now your choice. The Holy Spirit is calling you into the Catholic Church; sometimes we have to give up everything and follow Him.
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Thank you. My concern is not with whether I should become Catholic, but with a desire to keep peace and respect in the family as far as is within my power, while still shielding myself from unnecessary pain. I understand that I cannot control their reactions, but I do not wish to cause more harm than is necessary to our relationship.
 
I can appreciate your concern for your parents and their feelings towards what you are about to do. I will pray for you to discern the right words to say to them so that they will respect your choice as an adult child. Some of the anti-Catholic sentiment that I have received over the years has been very difficult to accept. With that in mind I wonder what will you do if they tell you that won’t be welcome in their home if you become Catholic? I hate being negative, but I like to be prepared. God bless you.
 
mountee said:
I can appreciate your concern for your parents and their feelings towards what you are about to do. I will pray for you to discern the right words to say to them so that they will respect your choice as an adult child. Some of the anti-Catholic sentiment that I have received over the years has been very difficult to accept. With that in mind I wonder what will you do if they tell you that won’t be welcome in their home if you become Catholic? I hate being negative, but I like to be prepared. God bless you.
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I am not sure. I think the more likely worry is that I would have to tell them that they are no longer welcome in my life if they are not willing to respect my decision. There is only so much manipulation I can bear - when we’ve had disagreements before, the attitude has definitely been not one of respectfully discussing our issues, but of trying to reign in a disobedient child.
 
“What exactly does “honoring” parents entail in this case? I appreciate some of their teaching, but there was also a lot that was really harmful, to the point where I often think I would have been better off being brought up without religion.”

I would say that honoring them means intentionally remaining respectful and level-headed, even under critique. It does not mean obeying them. (You are an adult, fully capable of making your own decisions.) Don’t stoop to criticizing those who criticize you. Keep it civil.

“Is there any particular reason I need to tell them about my conversion right away, or would it be best to simply not mention it? I really have no expectation of a productive conversation.”

I think this is up to you and how you think your family would react. My family isn’t Catholic either (although I was baptized Catholic and raised in the faith through age nine. Long story!) and when I decided to revert, I did let them know I was going through the adult formation process. I knew they would be doubly hurt if I were to announce after the fact that I was already confirmed- once by choosing Catholicism, and once by “hiding” my intentions. But, if you feel it would add more drama or hurt to the situation to inform them of your conversion, then wait as long as you need. This is definitely something to pray about. Pray that their hearts are softened and that you can convey your feelings in a calm, respectful manner.

“If it does come up, what is the best way to enforce a reasonably polite conversation? I’m not asking them to agree, but I do think I should be able to expect them to refrain from guilt-trips, especially from my mother.”

I don’t have any particular advice for you… you know how to be polite, don’t you? And chances are, having grown up in a family prone to drama and guilt-tripping, you’ve developed coping mechanisms and communication methods to soothe hurt feelings? (I know I did, having grown up in a similar family.) Simply say, “Mom/Dad/Family, I love you and respect your choice of faith. I have chosen to convert to Catholicism. Before anyone says anything hurtful, know that this was not a choice intended to hurt you or slight you. This is something I’ve thought and prayed long and hard about, and I cannot be swayed. I hope we can all be grown ups about our differences and respect each others beliefs. I don’t expect you to understand or even like my decision, but I do ask for respect.” Set your own parameters for behavior. If your mom starts guilt-tripping you, just say “Mom, I appreciate your opinion but I feel like you are trying to guilt-trip me and I would rather keep the conversation positive. Let’s switch to a different topic.” Repeat as necessary. Eventually your family will probably get used to you being Catholic, even if they don’t like it.

I know in my experience being the “odd Catholic out” at family events, I do hear random Catholic/Pope/Pedophile Priest jokes over the dinner table, and I try not to let them get to me. It can only escalate into an argument. If I really want to make a point, I’ll politely say, “I don’t think that’s true.” And leave it at that. Another thing I do at family events is to sort of tone down my Catholicism. I don’t try to rub our differences in their face, or talk about obscure Catholic topics they can’t understand. We will occasionally meander to biblical topics, where I find we actually have a lot of common ground. (My family is an odd mix of Southern Baptists, Presbyterians, and non-denominational Christians.)

Hope this helps in some way! And welcome home. 🙂
 
I would tell my parents that I’ve been thinking seriously about a very personal matter and have come to a decision that is not up for discussion. I would say that after much thought, study, prayer, and reflection, I am confident that my decision is the right one for me, and that because of my deep conviction that this is so, I would appreciate their simply receiving the information as news and refrain from trying to dissuade me from a course of action that I believe is right for me. I would say that I recognize that they may not be pleased with my decision, but that as their loving child, I hope they will simply take their unhappiness to prayer. Then I would tell them that I understand they may disapprove of my decision, and that I will strive never to discuss or refer to it again, but that I felt they should know that I am becoming a Roman Catholic.

Then, when they respond, choose your course of action. Personally, I have two tactics that work for harmonious visits with a few members of my family. If they are trying to ‘discuss’ with me, I repeat my point. “I hear you, but my decision is final.” I repeat that - NEVER responding to their points - until they give up.

The other is to leave as soon as someone gets ugly. “Oh, I’m sorry…this must be a bad time for a visit. I’ll see you on a day when we can enjoy our time together.” These have worked well for me.

I would not try to justify my decision to them, nor would I try to explain it. Down the road, they may soften to the point they have some honest questions and are ready to listen with an open mind. I’d leave getting them there to the Holy Spirit and just demonstrate my happiness and peace. When they see how this decision is working for good in your life, they may grow more accepting.

Or not. In that case, I would visit less frequently, always leaving as soon as the attempts to persuade/criticize/scold/guilt you begin.

When they visited, if they started that stuff, I’d simply get up and go to the kitchen to start dinner…or go scour the bathtub, lol. Sublime ignorance is a good way to handle some things, too. “yeah…Oh, I have the best idea for the back yard!” If you can, don’t listen to their words and don’t acknowledge their arguments…just be smilingly obtuse. Your mind was simply elsewhere.

I’m so sad for you. If only they could respect your religion as you will respect theirs. Prayers your way and kudos on the courage to follow your heart in this.
 
TBenedicta said:
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Unfortunately my usual procedure growing up was to say whatever would make my mother happy and get her to leave me alone. It’s probably making stuff harder now; I have noticed that both my parents don’t quite know what to do when I stand up to them. We had a fight recently over the color/style of my clothing - not even modesty, just over the color of my clothes and style of makeup. Well, sort of a fight, it consisted pretty much entirely of me listening to my mother yell.
redletters said:
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I like this! 😛 Particularly the idea of doing something helpful or useful. I’ve been trying my hardest to be the model daughter in other things, but it’s incredibly hard! And I know that anything I say or do that my mother disapproves of will be considered disrespectful.
 
Your parents sound just like my MIL-to-be.

When DF decided to join the CC, they took it quietly. They were not happy, but it was his decision.

As it got closer, MIL started expressing her frustration more and more. She was disappointed, hurt, angry, she felt probably the way Catholic parents feel if their child leaves the Church.
Eventually, when we started making detailed plans for the evening, who would come, what would be served for dinner (DF and I cooked because it was vegan and it was his event so it wasn’t fair to leave it to her), when we need to be there, she got very loud.
There were some conversations and she’d give up for a while, but then she started making angry, hurt and hurtful comments, like “If you ask me, you shouldn’t do it”, “It’s all stupid”, “I’m very disappointed”, probably more but I can’t remember now, and eventually, a day or two before, she had to be told very plainly that it’s not up to her, no one asked for her approval, and her only decision was whether she would be there. It wasn’t an attack and it wasn’t impolite, but it was firm and straightforward. DF said he wouldn’t resent her if she decided not to come, but that he would be glad if she came.
She stopped her comments and came to church. After she said that it was long, but she even found some nice things to say, I think because she saw that it was important to him. We both know that she did complain some more to her friends when we weren’t around, but not for that long, and it is of course her right to have someone she can talk to and say whatever she wants.

It was this Easter and she is now somewhat over it. I hope she will be too happy at the wedding to spend too much time thinking about it, but I guess there will be more discussion when the first child comes.
Right now the only thing we sometimes do is say that we are going out when we go to church, not like hiding it or being ashamed, just to avoid the discussion and not make it look like we’re rubbing it in.
 
Ms_Manners said:
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That sounds familiar! 😃 I think it’s even more pronounced because of the way the church treats motherhood - I firmly believe in valuing motherhood, but not in treating it as the summation of a woman’s identity. I’m the only child, and I know my mother often feels like everything I do reflects directly on her. That was the whole point of the fracas over my clothes - I have an alternative style and she was terribly afraid someone might see me and think she was a bad mother for it.
 
Ah, the good old “what will people think”, gotta love it.

I can just say I feel for you, and I really hope you find a way to deal with this. 🙂
 
Ms_Manners said:
Ah, the good old “what will people think”, gotta love it.

I can just say I feel for you, and I really hope you find a way to deal with this. 🙂
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No kidding. And honestly her religious community encourages it. I’m all for honoring motherhood, but not at the cost of making women out to be failures for not having “perfect” children.
 
Sometimes when it comes to situations like this, the roles of parent and child become reversed. In this case you are going to have to be a parent to your parents. In this case your parents need to learn something new. You have found new or renewed expression of you faith, they need to come to terms with the fact that this is your choice and you have a right to it. They also need to see that their anti-catholic rhetoric is discrimination and they need to stop no matter what they think.

If they react negatively, I’d give them a year or so. If they don’t at least treat you with respect, there may have to be consequences. Maybe you can’t come for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. Maybe it’s time to calmly hang up or leave you aren’t treated respectfully. Whatever you do, the hope of course not to shut the door on a relationship. But boundaries need to be set and respected for the good of all.
 
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