Mortal sin against Parents- 4th commandment

[Marybeloved]

I posted this on the family forum trying to get some advice in handling it. But now that I calm down and re-look at the whole thing, I’m afraid I might have committed a very grave offence:

I recently posted about a man whom I rejected due to his insecurity and otherwise creepy nature (and age) who insisted on pursuing me forcefully despite numerous rejections, ignored texts and phone calls and direct rejections, for almost a year. Our last conversation was in June/July last year when I was desperately looking for a job. He tried to get me a job at his Bank where he works, which I politely rejected because I did not want to “owe” him anything and I certainly did not want to take myself right to his work-place where he could harass me every day. I then asked to just not communicate at all (for the nth time). He started talking nasty and I just hang up.

Apparently, he continued texting my mom behind my back and she texted him back. Me and her had a terrible fight in 2010 after I first met him, she basically tried to push me to see him which I refused and she only gave up when she saw she would ruin our relationship entirely over it. I found out about the texting this last December and asked her to stop because it was very disrespectful to me for her to do that after I chose to end all communications with this guy and that he was disrespecting me by switching to my mom, to continue that communication because I blocked his number and everything. She told me she would respect my wishes and not indulge this person’s attempts at holding onto some connection with me.

Now I accidentally find a message on her phone after she asked me to locate an old message from a doctor that we were trying to find and she handed me her phone as she was busy with a guest. So I’m scrolling and I find this Valentine message from this same person. I look over at sent messages and lo and behold- I find my mothers text back to this guy. I’m so frustrated. We’ve just had a nasty fight where I just told her I’d had it with her lack of respect towards me and many other harsh things and I was tired of her false apologies when she was only insistent on doing her will even in matters like this that she should show respect to her children.

Excessive anger is definitely serious and when directed at parents, is even worse. What are your thoughts?

 

[Trishie]

I saw your earlier post. It is understandable that you would be emotional about this. One would normally expect that family loyalty would prevail.

I hope you can negotiate with your mother that she does respect your choice…I’m sure her intentions are in what she thinks are your best interests, but you have the right to make your own life-choices as a working adult.

I hope you can ask your mother’s forgiveness for your anger, but I hope she will wish your forgiveness for interfering against your stated preferences.
You can regard this as an opportunity to grow in forgiveness and charity. God can bring good out of everything. By the way, I’m disinclined to regard this as a mortal sin (referring to your thread title.) Unloving words and actions are sinful but I don’t see this as a case of knowingly and willingly consenting to something which you know/believe to be a mortal sin.

May God help you both in your relationship and may your choices and future be pleasing to God.

 

[hannajomar]

I posted this on the family forum trying to get some advice in handling it. But now that I calm down and re-look at the whole thing, I’m afraid I might have committed a very grave offence:
Excessive anger is definitely serious and when directed at parents, is even worse. What are your thoughts?

I posted this on the family forum trying to get some advice in handling it. But now that I calm down and re-look at the whole thing, I’m afraid I might have committed a very grave offence:
Excessive anger is definitely serious and when directed at parents, is even worse. What are your thoughts?

I’m not sure exactly what “excessive anger” is. Solely from what you’ve written, I’m not sensing there was excessive anger, just anger. If the argument goes into saying “I hate you,” “I wish you were dead,” or disrespectful name calling, to me that could be defined as excessive anger. I don’t see how simply being angry at our parents is necessarily a mortal sin. Weather it’s a mortal sin or venial, it’s good to seek forgiveness from anyone we’ve offended and to attempt peace. I hope this works out for you and you’re mom.

Prayers to the Holy Family for peace in your family and all of our families.

 

[Marybeloved]

To clarify, I said a lot of hurtful things, even threatening that once I left the house for good, me and her would not have a good relationship. Just take my word for it that I said a lot of things that am now embarrassed to put down even to you, though you don’t know me.

I told her that she did not deserve my respect as my mom because she did not act like a mom towards me, and did not respect me. I told her not to complain of disrespect from me because her actions in the past two years had changed how I saw her, and how can she expect that they would not colour my perception of her and my general attitude towards her? I told her this was it, with us- That I did not want her apologies (they are false) because she always just goes ahead and does what she wants regardless of any conversations or agreements between us. I even accused her of not being sorry in her heart and said God wouldn’t forgive her because she never means it when she says “sorry” but does it only to placate things. etc etc.

She has problems with her own mom who basically takes nasty advantage of her, way beyond anything my mom has ever done to me, and whenever her mom has done something outrageous to her, she (my mom) threatens that she’s done with her. Me and her have conculded that my grandma may suffer some mild version of Narcissistic Personality Disorder based on her behavior and inability to accept mistakes and apologize. I said to my mom today, that she brought me to that same place with her, (of being “done”) though it was not true. Her mom disrespects her far more than this thing she did to me today, but I compared the two and said they were the same, that I was also “done” and that she had inherited some of her mother’s narcissism (Ouch!! I feel embarrassed writing this one in particular because it’s a straight out insult).

Needless to say, I was EXTREMELY emotional and all worked up (pms maybe?). Once before I have gotten so angry at my mother that I did not believe myself afterwards and I kept screaming in my mind- How did I say/do that? This is the second time when really my anger towards my mom has shocked me at how far it went.

I’ll definitely see a priest and pray about it.

 

[Trishie]

Dear Mary,
God grant you to do your best to help your mother through the hurt and confusion.
Possibly the worst thing was being likened to the mother who causes her hurt.
If she is ill-treated by her mother she may not have had the best modeling as far as boundaries are concerned. Perhaps try to make an opportunity to share an honest and loving discussion, and show love to your mother. I hope and pray that caring honesty will help your relationship with your mother to heal and to grow. It’s a fair bet that she has your best interests at heart and she had been targeted by the fellow who wasn’t willing to let you go. He might have done a bit of fast-talking that hooked her. He sounds rather persuasive.

My mother died when I was a teen. I’d have loved to have a tea or coffee with her as an adult; and share things with her as a woman. I never had that chance. I remember it really hit me when I had three pre-schoolers. I cried for much of three days because I’d never be able to share woman to woman time with my Mum. Not even a simple cup of tea or coffee together. I still miss her quite often, and wish I could share things with her, things that would surprise and please her.
I hope and pray for a blessed, growing relationship between you and your mother.

God bless you, Dear.

Trishie

 

[RastaPasta]

In a perfect world everyone would behave in a manner which we think they should.

Your mother is keeping in touch with someone that you have no interest in being involved with. I can understand why you would want her to support your position.

Because she is an adult, however, she does have the right to keep in contact with anyone she so chooses, even if it is uncomfortable or causes some degree of hurt.

You have the right to feel angry, but making hurtful statements isn’t in your best interest (or your mothers)… they are always divisive.

It is good that you want to discuss the matter with a priest - they can often provide us with better insight with respect to overcoming an obstacle that might be in our path, or resolving issues that are of a personal nature.

As someone already pointed out - you can also have a “heart to heart” with your mother regarding the circumstances. Best that you begin with an apology - I suspect that what you said might have hurt your mother, and so she will most likely be a bit defensive. Perhaps she really doesn’t realize the full extent of your concern.

And although we have the responsibility of treating our parents with respect and honor, they too have the responsibility of treating their children in a dignified manner.

I pray that your mother might come to realize that the choice she is making is hurting you, and pray that if she continues to make that choice, you will find it in your heart to forgive her.