Mortifying one's passions

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Lochias

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So, just trying to come to grips a bit with the situation I find myself in these days. Might be a semi-long read, here.

A couple years back, things ended on a sour note with a gal that I was very much in love with. She was / is also a close part of the small circle of close friends I have. Since our split, I’ve felt nervous, upset, sad and angry whenever I’m near her, so I keep my distance. My friends and I all agree that she wasn’t the one for me, and that some of the things she did during our break-up were very, very hurtful and uncalled for.

I miss being part of the things we all did together, and which all of my other friends, with her included, still do. She is now married, and they go to do these things at her and her husband’s house. I spent a year arguing with myself over whether or not I should go back and try to be the distant, group-only sort of friend that she now wishes me to be (if anything), and do my best to enjoy our activities, or to simply stay away and learn how to cope.

My other friends still do things with me, and they’re great for doing so. Further complicating the issue is the fact that (argh) I’m still a little in love with her. I still get that stupid, rotten feeling in my throat, like my heart’s risen up there, and my breathing gets quick, and all of that stuff. I hate still feeling that, and knowing it’s never going to be an option anymore.

I recently talked to my parish priest about it, and he said that it would be a good idea to continue to stay away. He said I was “mortifying my passions for things I can no longer have”, and that I was “suffering rightly.” That’s helped somewhat, but I still find myself feeling very down about it a lot. I feel…replaced, and set aside, most especially by her.

I’m not really asking for advice per se (though I will gladly listen to any that’s offered), but I wondered if anyone else here has had experiences similar to this?
 
Lochias said:
I’m not really asking for advice per se (though I will gladly listen to any that’s offered), but I wondered if anyone else here has had experiences similar to this?
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I’ve had all sorts of different forms of contact with my ex girlfriends. Sometimes they were little sisters of my fraternity so they kept coming and activities went down just the same, except we were apart. I’ve even reconciled old college girlfriends from 30+ years ago, via facebook, and now we post to each other and sometimes chat. And my wife knows this. But those girls were 30 years ago and I’ve long stopped having feelings for them in any romantic way.

Once when I was a freshman in college I had a girlfriend for some stupid reason I won’t go through, accepted an invitation with some other dude who was hot on her even though she was platonic about him … like I say I won’t try to explain that… but then at the party it was awkward and the host took me aside and asked me to leave because I was wrecking his party by being there, feeling the way I did about her being with him. He knew it was my girlfriend and that other grubby insect shouldn’t have gotten to take her, but since she was technically his date the host asked me, not him, to go.

I sense in you that you would like to see it reignite. Your friends may or may not be able to help you ascertain if that’s possible or what the chances are. If they are remote, I suggest you stay away for a bit longer until you can talk more dispassionately about it. In this regard, I think your pastor might be giving you the best advice.

If there is no chance it will go anywhere, then it sounds like you might want to proceed with caution if at all, and if you do try it, rely on your friends to give you honest feedback on such an encounter. 😉

Alan
 
Yes, I know what you are talking about. And your pastor is right. It’s wiser, and healthier to stay away, esp since you still have feelings of love for her.

It’s hard. It’s painful. But it is important.

God Bless.
 
Lochias said:
but I still find myself feeling very down about it a lot. I feel…replaced, and set aside, most especially by her.
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This is very understandable. And the reason why, is because, in raw reality, she has done just that.

That is why it hurts so much.
 
I sense in you that you would like to see it reignite. Your friends may or may not be able to help you ascertain if that’s possible or what the chances are.
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There’s nothing to reignite. She’s married, as I mentioned, and that makes her unavailable for any of the close friendship or more intimate feelings we used to share. Even then, before she got with the other fellow, she withdrew after our breakup and explained that, while I had been a great help to her and pulled her through some dark times with my company. I was no longer to expect any sort of preferential treatment. All of her friends would have to come to her first for her company, and that she would deal with them on a first-come, first serve basis.

I tried to comply with those wishes, but my “turn” for her company never came around. After the third try, I just stopped trying at all. I showed up to our group functions for a while, and that became too much to bear, especially after she started wearing an engagement ring.
 
Marie5890 said:
Yes, I know what you are talking about. And your pastor is right. It’s wiser, and healthier to stay away, esp since you still have feelings of love for her.

It’s hard. It’s painful. But it is important.

God Bless.
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Thank you.
 
AlanFromWichita said:
Oh gosh. I did miss that important detail. That makes it pretty final. 😦

Alan
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Yeah. It’s for the best, and it’s a good thing to be able to say that objectively. Just…well, ya’ll know how affairs of the heart go. Ups n’ downs.
 
Maybe if you hung out w/ her in your old group it would take away some of the “power” she has-- you’d see she isn’t all that.

Then again, maybe you’re better off keeping your distance.

Love is rough. 😦 Eventually it will be a distant memory and so will your feelings. Hang in there!
 
constantconvert said:
Maybe if you hung out w/ her in your old group it would take away some of the “power” she has-- you’d see she isn’t all that.

Then again, maybe you’re better off keeping your distance.

Love is rough. 😦 Eventually it will be a distant memory and so will your feelings. Hang in there!
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Thankee. I’ve come close to giving it a try again, but something keeps holding me back. I figure, better listen to that gut instinct for now. It’s only been about 6 months since I stopped doing things with her around.
 
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