Most US women would rather divorce than be a housewife

[Dale_M]

This is rather remarkable, although perhaps not surprising.

he vast majority of young people – about 80% of women and 70% of men across all races, classes, and family backgrounds — desire an egalitarian marriage in which both partners share breadwinning, housekeeping, and child rearing. The data come from Kathleen Gerson‘s fabulous 2010 book, The Unfinished Revolution.

In practice, however, egalitarian relationships are difficult to establish. Both work and family are “greedy institutions,” ones that take up lots of time and energy. Many couples find that, once children arrive, it’s impossible for both to do both with equal gusto.

With this in mind, Gerson asked her respondents what type of family they would like if, for whatever reason, they couldn’t sustain an equal partnership. She discovered that, while men’s and women’s ideals are very similar, their fallback positions deviate dramatically.

Men’s most common fallback position is to establish a neotraditional division of labor: 70% hope to convince their wives to de-prioritize their careers and focus on homemaking and raising children. Women? Faced with a husband who wants them to be a housewife or work part-time, almost three-quarters of women say they would choose divorce and raise their kids alone. In fact, despite men’s insistence on being breadwinners, women are more likely than men to say they value success in a high-paying career.

thesocietypages.org/socimages/2013/01/28/mens-and-womens-gender-ideologies-ideals-and-fallbacks/

 

[EphelDuath]

I would become a stay-at-home dad if my wife’s career was both more financially rewarding and more charitably beneficial to the world. If I thought the converse was true, I would ask my wife to be a stay-at-home mom.

Why would 70% of women divorce their husbands over this?

 

[1ke]

and the demise of the family is complete.

 

[1ke]

Why would 70% of women divorce their husbands over this?

Because they’ve been reading Cosmo magazine since they were 15.

 

[Ophelia23]

Wow, and my husband and I may have just found a way to ALLOW me to be a housewife and an at-home mom, which is what I WANT!

 

[Chantal25]

I am convince this is false information.

Speaking for me, since a young age, i made a promise to myself, that i wouldn’t be the stay home mom. Well, i got my wish granted and my husband was the stay home dad, except that i envied him deeply. Because, when my mother instinct kicked in, there isn’t any place i wanted to be then with my child. Now that she goes to school full time, i am fine now to provide but prior to that, it was tortured emotionally not to be there for her fully.

I think the problem is that perhaps for women that fear to be a house wife, isn’t appeal with the idea to be taken for granted and want to be value and have freedom. Being very connected to my Catholic faith, i couldn’t care less to be value now since, all i want is to make my family happy and to serve God.

More and more women, do wish not to have to work and for their spouse to be able to provide fully. Some men would love to be stay home dad and other women do prefer to work but not for me.

Perhaps, the young women do want a career etc… but i have seen many that came to realize that they would much prefer being at home. Stay home dad or stay home mom, is very challenging but if you do what you love, it doesn’t matter.

Anyway, it would be nice for all women that desire to be at home and care for their family, to have their wish granted. This shall be one of my prayer.

Hugs and love!

 

[AnastasiaRomano]

Unless you live in a big urban area, being a housewife or SAHM is very isolating. Ever been in a suburban neighborhood around 11 a.m.? It’s usually empty. Decades ago, a young mother or housewife probably had neighbors who also stayed at home who she could socialize with during the day or ask for some help, neighbor kids for her kids to play with, etc. Nowadays, though, the situation is totally different. A housewife or stay-at-home mom probably doesn’t have any neighbors who are home during the day. Unless she actively joins some sort of mother’s group, she might not know any other stay-at-home moms. It’s really difficult, and I do speak from experience here.

Being a SAHM today is pretty isolating in many parts of the country, and I can’t help but think that the isolation is part of the reason many women are reluctant or outright opposed to being a SAHM.

Edited to add: I find the statistics in the OP to be questionable, though. I know quite a lot of moms who work full-time who wish they could work less (most seem to want to work PT, some say they want to SAH for a year or so). So the 70% in the link in the OP seems rather odd.

 

[Iron_Donkey]

One can only hope that some of the people in question would change their minds if the hypothetical became fact.

Wow, and my husband and I may have just found a way to ALLOW me to be a housewife and an at-home mom, which is what I WANT!

Congratulations.

 

[Snowball7]

Just because it’s in a book doesn’t make it true.
We would have to see the reference poll, her source on this,
what is the source polling ? Who has analysed it ?
Kind of a moot point when we cannot verify the mendacity.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I would become a stay-at-home dad if my wife’s career was both more financially rewarding and more charitably beneficial to the world. If I thought the converse was true, I would ask my wife to be a stay-at-home mom.

Why would 70% of women divorce their husbands over this?

Just going from the assumption that the data is good (which is a very big assumption)…

Women have been brainwashed from the early 1960’s that staying home and raising children is akin to being made into a sex slave and child-bearing machine for men. Also, that being at home with your children is not enough for any INTELLIGENT woman - women need a CAREER and homemaking does not qualify. Also, that men will divorce you and leave you high and dry (this can be true, thanks to no-fault divorce) so you’d better be prepared to support yourself. Also, that women have a RIGHT to work outside the home even if the babies have to be shipped off to daycare from 6 weeks of age.

All of this has been drummed into women since the Sexual Revolution and the “feminist” movement began. Men have been trained to expect women to work, AND manage the children and home, so those women who keep their careers after marriage get to try and juggle two full-time jobs while the husband and father carries on with his same job. (It is well-documented that in 2-career families, it is the wife who does the greater share of housework and child care.)

50 years later, what else would we expect?

 

[gardenswithkids]

It’s a woman’s perogative to change her mind.

When I was in college and a young professional, I would have told you I wanted to have a career too, because at the time I did. Eventually I had a child. My career didn’t seem quite as attractive after that.

Women can change their minds.

 

[cargau]

Do you notice the common thread relating to gay marriage, abortion, birth control and this issue…No one ever thinks of what’s best for the children. We have become a very self oriented people. So sad!

 

[SonCatcher]

Faced with a husband who wants them to be a housewife or work part-time, almost three-quarters of women say they would choose divorce and raise their kids alone.

I suspect they were asking leading questions. These women weren’t responding to a question about children’s or family’s needs but one about a totalitarian husband. Depending upon the particular way it was phrased, it is plausible that some of these women may have even perceived an abusive scenario. If that is the case, I say, “way to go! You shouldn’t have to deal with abuse.”

The rationale breaks down outside that situation, however.

 

[holyrood]

Do you notice the common thread relating to gay marriage, abortion, birth control and this issue…No one ever thinks of what’s best for the children. We have become a very self oriented people. So sad!

I read or heard a quote some time ago that over the past 40 years, there has been a gradual and steady shift from laws being made based on what’s good for children to laws being made based on what adults want, and taking the attitude that kids are flexible and will be just fine, whatever upbringing we hand them to work with.
.

 

[Arizona_Fat_Gir]

It costs a lot of money to put children into day care. The more children, the more it costs. We have a place here where I live; it’s called Tutor Time. It seems like a nice place to spend the day while the mother is at work, but could she afford it?

It doesn’t hurt kids to learn something before going into first grade. If they have a little bit of structure, they would kind of know what to expect when they go to school.

 

[Litcrit]

I suspect they were asking leading questions. These women weren’t responding to a question about children’s or family’s needs but one about a totalitarian husband. Depending upon the particular way it was phrased, it is plausible that some of these women may have even perceived an abusive scenario. If that is the case, I say, “way to go! You shouldn’t have to deal with abuse.”

The rationale breaks down outside that situation, however.

Sounds right.

There seemed to be three options given: egalitarian, neotraditional, and independent. Both men and women chose “egalitarian” as their ideal option.

After this, things become blurry. The next question, apparently, was “If your marriage couldn’t be egalitarian, what’s the next best thing?”

No one even seemed to define this “non-egalitarian” situation, so for men it seemed to mean “wife doesn’t earn enough” which then leads to “I’ll try to persuade her to be a SAHM”.

For women, this “non-egalitarian” situation seemed to be interpreted as “husband trying to force me to quit my job when I don’t want to” which then leads to “I’ll be better off on my own.”

I suppose my marriage is “non-egalitarian” in a way no one imagined in this “study” - I work and earn more and my husband does the household chores and childcare more.

But we have equal rights and dignity and don’t force each other into anything.

I suspect most normal human beings would say “whatever makes sense for our family at a given time” if such an option was given.

 

[lonelypetunia]

Just going from the assumption that the data is good (which is a very big assumption)…

Women have been brainwashed from the early 1960’s that staying home and raising children is akin to being made into a sex slave and child-bearing machine for men. Also, that being at home with your children is not enough for any INTELLIGENT woman - women need a CAREER and homemaking does not qualify. Also, that men will divorce you and leave you high and dry (this can be true, thanks to no-fault divorce) so you’d better be prepared to support yourself. Also, that women have a RIGHT to work outside the home even if the babies have to be shipped off to daycare from 6 weeks of age.

All of this has been drummed into women since the Sexual Revolution and the “feminist” movement began. Men have been trained to expect women to work, AND manage the children and home, so those women who keep their careers after marriage get to try and juggle two full-time jobs while the husband and father carries on with his same job. (It is well-documented that in 2-career families, it is the wife who does the greater share of housework and child care.)

50 years later, what else would we expect?

I think the biggest point you made with women wanting to work is that in the event of a death or divorce they need to be prepared to support the family. I have to say that was the BIGGEST reason that I decided I’d much rather be a career person. The last place I would want to be is a single mom without means to support her children.

I’ve dated men who were insistent that they would want to be the breadwinner with a wifethat stayed home and raised children, while in theory this sounded Ideal, I couldn’t risk the possibility of putting myself in a position of being helpless. The mere thought of single parenthood all of a sudden and being out of the job market for years terrified me.

 

[SamH]

A recipient of the Distinguished Feminist Lectureship award conducted a “study” that just happens to have a conclusion that coincides with the beliefs that she advocates. What are the odds?

 

[EasterJoy]

My impression is that the survey was done among young people…which is to say, most of these young women do not have an actual husband or family to stay home for. They may not even be planning to marry OR have children yet. Well, I know a woman who at 21 was never going to marry, who went on to earn a professional degree and success in her field, and yet who at 50 has, at one time or another, homeschooled all of her six kids.

This show how greatly the truth can be twisted by researchers who publish the opinions of people basing their opinions on what they imagine they’d want, instead of surveying what people actually chose when they have the actual choice.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Like many others I doubt these statistics.

That being said I would never marry a man who was looking for a woman to be a SAHM. If after I got married he changed his mind and started pressuring, guilt tripping, badgering, etc to get me to quit my job we may have some serious marital problems.

I would go crazy as a SAHM, and as hard as I’ve worked for my future, I would lose all self-respect if I just gave it all up. That being said, if having kids changed my mind that’s one thing, and we could work with that.