Most US women would rather divorce than be a housewife

[Kelfa28]

I don’t have a degree yet…but I’ve always wanted one.

My parents and I couldn’t afford to give me one…they made too much but not enough. I wasn’t willing to get into a ridiculous amount of debt to do it.

It’s tough because I’m not sure if I will ever have the chance to get a degree at this point. I don’t want to put off having children for too long and my husband flat out refuses to put any of our kids in daycare. I agree with him…but I’m in a strange position. I’ve worked pretty hard to get outstanding grades and be accepted into a good program as a sophmore…but at this point…I’m not sure if I can make this happen.

I’m almost 30 and I’m struggling to tell myself that it’s okay to be a SAHM. Even though I do want a career.

I wish it was in a position where I had the luxury of making a choice. Having a degree but opting to stay home.

I think I won’t have that choice anymore.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t have a degree yet…but I’ve always wanted one.

My parents and I couldn’t afford to give me one…they made too much but not enough. I wasn’t willing to get into a ridiculous amount of debt to do it.

It’s tough because I’m not sure if I will ever have the chance to get a degree at this point. I don’t want to put off having children for too long and my husband flat out refuses to put any of our kids in daycare. I agree with him…but I’m in a strange position. I’ve worked pretty hard to get outstanding grades and be accepted into a good program as a sophmore…but at this point…I’m not sure if I can make this happen.

I’m almost 30 and I’m struggling to tell myself that it’s okay to be a SAHM. Even though I do want a career.

I wish it was in a position where I had the luxury of making a choice. Having a degree but opting to stay home.

I think I won’t have that choice anymore.

I used to teach college, and in my experience the mothers returning to get their educations were always among my best students. I’ve also found as a SAHM that it is good for me to listen to books on tape and spend a little time feeling like my mind is still active. The library and the internet are vital for this. If you want a little “hit” of the college experience while you are still at home, I highly recommend the courses published by The Teaching Company. There is another firm that uses a similar format; I can’t remember its name, but they have some good stuff out there, too. If you want to learn a language, Rosetta Stone is good, too. You can put more than one user on one program purchase, so other members of the family can learn with you. It is all self-paced and can be interrupted when the need arises. You can also just listen to mysteries or whatever kind of fiction you like. Check into the formats your local libraries have. (The county one over from me has an exchange program, so I’m not confined to the libraries in my own county system. Check that out!)

You can listen to this stuff while you fold clothes or whatever. Get yourself a mono earbud like the runners use to keep from getting hit by cars, and you’ll have an ear left to keep tabs on your household. When the kids need you, you can always hit “pause”.

It’s a way to hear long complex sentences, and it will take a little of the load off of your husband when he walks in the door…that is, to provide you with some adult interaction. Women who stayed at home used to spend more time in joint work than they do now. That adult interaction will help you feel less as if the adult world is passing you by, and help you to enjoy your time with your children more.

 

[Kelfa28]

I used to teach college, and in my experience the mothers returning to get their educations were always among my best students. I’ve also found as a SAHM that it is good for me to listen to books on tape and spend a little time feeling like my mind is still active. The library and the internet are vital for this. If you want a little “hit” of the college experience while you are still at home, I highly recommend the courses published by The Teaching Company. There is another firm that uses a similar format; I can’t remember its name, but they have some good stuff out there, too. If you want to learn a language, Rosetta Stone is good, too. You can put more than one user on one program purchase, so other members of the family can learn with you. It is all self-paced and can be interrupted when the need arises. You can also just listen to mysteries or whatever kind of fiction you like. Check into the formats your local libraries have. (The county one over from me has an exchange program, so I’m not confined to the libraries in my own county system. Check that out!)

You can listen to this stuff while you fold clothes or whatever. Get yourself a mono earbud like the runners use to keep from getting hit by cars, and you’ll have an ear left to keep tabs on your household. When the kids need you, you can always hit “pause”.

It’s a way to hear long complex sentences, and it will take a little of the load off of your husband when he walks in the door…that is, to provide you with some adult interaction. Women who stayed at home used to spend more time in joint work than they do now. That adult interaction will help you feel less as if the adult world is passing you by, and help you to enjoy your time with your children more.

Thanks.

I know I can get the work done…but it’s like my husband says.
Everything is about timing. We just don’t have the time right now.
He needs to work now and my biological clock isn’t getting any younger…

I started reading more books like I used to. After the kiddo is in bed…I’ll go have a nice bath and read a book.
I don’t devour books like I used to, not enough time, but it’s nice having a little escape.

Plus…I signed up for the women of grace at my parish…which has a program to work through.

The good news is I’ve worked my credits out so that I only need 3 more classes to enter in as a sophmore for the program I want to do. Four more classes is even better. I can knock these out one or two per semester.

I like that idea for the Teaching Company. I used to record lectures and make my own voice memos of my notes on my Iphone and then listen to them in the car or while I took my daughter for walks. I think I’ll start doing this instead.

 

[holyrood]

You make a very important point, that is this: Choosing to be divorced and raising your children alone instead of being a SAHM is entirely different from being prepared to be divorced and raising your children alone instead of being a SAHM.

We have to be prepared to do what is needed, and not get too attached to what we imagine is the ideal. Very few of the heroes from Scriptures or from among the Church Triumphant were given an unbroken route to the ideal. The ideal, then, is to be prepared to do what God asks of us, what love asks of us. Getting it in your head that some imaginary ideal is always the will of God for all people at all times will get you into a lot of trouble. We must have a much more grown-up understanding of love and obedience than that.

Thank you for a great answer making that distinction.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Honestly I think this is just a human problem. I’ve been watching my mother, a SAHM, go through the exact same thing. Her identity was based in her family and kids. But she doesn’t have a child at home anymore, so the job she’s built her life on is no longer there. Suddenly - no self worth, no meaning.

This is really interesting, I can imagine that scenario easily. It seems that this woman also rooted her identity in what she wad doing, ie. being a mother.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

What I see too often in all sorts of right-wing circles …] admonishing the woman not to fall prey to the pride and vanity of having a successful career. However, men are seldom admonished in a similar vein, and women are seldom admonished not to fall prey to the pride and vanity of being the perfect, most wonderful, most accomplished mother and homemaker.

It feels hypocritical. As if following the gender roles a society prescribes is more important than following God.

Well said. It seems that people doen’t realise that the way things are in terms of work - family setup is based on the way society dictates it. It has nothing to do with Christianity. Why does a man have to work the whole day, 5 days a week? Is that somehow inherent to his being? I doubt it. Perhaps the problem lies in the way that work dominates over family, not that women want to work outside of home.

Personally, I can’t relate to the discussion about SAHMs because I am also not American (like the poster I quoted) and the way this ‘problem’ is defined is very much bound to the North American context. I am thankful I am not a part of that because I find the whole thing ridiculous to be honest.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you for a great answer making that distinction.

I’m sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you have gotten through it OK. I feel deeply for spouses who stay in an abusive or invalid marriage situation, or even in a situation where there is infidelity, out of fear or a misunderstanding of what virtue requires. I fear for them, too. The damage that can be done in that situation can hardly be overstated, even when the suffering being inflicted is not physical. It is praiseworthy when someone has the strength to hang in there when there has been infidelity but also a chance of reconciliation, but even in that case only the wronged spouse can decide when that is the right thing to do.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I’m almost 30 and I’m struggling to tell myself that it’s okay to be a SAHM. Even though I do want a career.

I wish it was in a position where I had the luxury of making a choice. Having a degree but opting to stay home.

I think I won’t have that choice anymore.

Having that choice would indeed be great, and who knows, maybe it is not too late. I know women who got their degrees a bit later, when their children were in school. It is not impossible.

 

[holyrood]

I’m sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you have gotten through it OK. I feel deeply for spouses who stay in an abusive or invalid marriage situation, or even in a situation where there is infidelity, out of fear or a misunderstanding of what virtue requires. I fear for them, too. The damage that can be done in that situation can hardly be overstated, even when the suffering being inflicted is not physical. It is praiseworthy when someone has the strength to hang in there when there has been infidelity but also a chance of reconciliation, but even in that case only the wronged spouse can decide when that is the right thing to do.

Thank you, yes, things are going very well.

 

[DarkLight]

Well said. It seems that people doen’t realise that the way things are in terms of work - family setup is based on the way society dictates it. It has nothing to do with Christianity. Why does a man have to work the whole day, 5 days a week? Is that somehow inherent to his being? I doubt it. Perhaps the problem lies in the way that work dominates over family, not that women want to work outside of home.

Personally, I can’t relate to the discussion about SAHMs because I am also not American (like the poster I quoted) and the way this ‘problem’ is defined is very much bound to the North American context. I am thankful I am not a part of that because I find the whole thing ridiculous to be honest.

I think it’s even a pretty modern American problem. For most of human history, this whole work/life distinction simply didn’t exist in the same way. In America, you were a farm family, and you all worked in the fields and helped bring in the food and preserve it for the year - there was likely a division of labor, but there was no concept of one person going out to work and one person staying home. Same if you were in business, you likely lived in the same place you worked and the entire family helped keep everything running. The model where the man went out to work and the woman stayed home was only practiced by a very small minority of the extremely wealthy - it was never the dominant family model.

 

[kelvinf]

Not all professions require you to have a degree. A degree imo is just a piece of paper that attempts to assert the capabilities of a person.

When an employer is looking for an employee, he or she first goes through your certificate(s) and CV to get a feeling of whether you are the right person for the job. If these documents are convincing, you would likely be invited for an interview. This is the usual course.

But with the advent of certain platforms today, if one has a talent or can do something well, they could make a video and upload it on YouTube for instance and the employer could come knocking. At lot of artists have surfaced this way. Of course, this method would not work for the mass because society has already defined a standard procedure.

My point is, it is important to know what you can do, what you want to do and how you are going to market yourself. If it requires going to the university and obtaining a degree, then fine. If it does not require a degree, then there is no need to pursue a degree because a degree could sometimes be as usesless as a piece of blank paper. ++

 

[EasterJoy]

…A degree imo is just a piece of paper that attempts to assert the capabilities of a person…My point is, it is important to know what you can do, what you want to do and how you are going to market yourself… If it does not require a degree, then there is no need to pursue a degree because a degree could sometimes be as usesless as a piece of blank paper. ++

I would quibble a bit. A degree is a document that attests to your achievements: What, where, when, and sometimes how well. The attempt to connect past achievement to future capacity is a reason that people consult your degrees, but getting an opinion about future capacity of the person you want to hire is usually best deduced from letters of recommendation. There is a lot an employer wants to know that your degrees do not say about you!

When a student goes into a university with the attitude that the student only wants to jump through those hoops that will lead to this or that job, it usually leads to a short-changed student. The word “education” is related to the Laten educere, meaning to “bring out, lead forth,” from ex- “out” plus ducere “to lead”. A true education brings something of yourself out of yourself. That is different from mere training to do a job. Even the best vocational schools give their students more than that. On that account, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that a degree is useless, even if you never use your education to obtain a particular job. If you approached the whole enterprise in the right way, your education will give you things that no one can take away.

Now, you might quibble that many people get their educations from a university without ever bothering with the degree, and that would be true. Generally speaking, it is worth the trouble to achieve the right combination of things (jump through a few hoops) to get both an education and a degree out of your school experience, whether that is high school, college, or graduate school.