Mother and Dementia

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woodwonder

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My mother who is 88 years old, lives in a wonderful group home near my home, but hates it. She says terrible things to me that make me feel horrible. She claims I don’t love her because I won’t let her move in with me. She cries all the time and says, when are you going to get me out of here? She needs 24-hour care. I spend one day a week with her (take her to lunch, etc.), bring her great-grandchildren to see her and call her every day, but lately every time I see her or call her, she just cries. Her doctor tells me she is very depressed and has dementia for which she is taking medication, but she is getting worse. Last night she cried because I forgot about her, and it was Christmas, we didn’t go to mass, and she didn’t have any gifts for anyone. When I tried to explain Christmas wasn’t for 2 weeks she just goes on about me getting her out of the place she lives. Her words, “why don’t you just tell me to go to hell, because I am living in it”. My mom has always been a difficult person to deal with and will clearly say “I never did anything I didn’t want to do and I am not going to start now.” I know she feels frightened and at times alone, and would feel more comfortable living with me, but because of her mental and physical status that is impossible. I know where she lives is the best place for her to be. It is close to me and my family, it is a very loving and caring home and they are on top her of physical and mental needs at all times. Last week she came to my house for Thanksgiving and on Saturday we took her to a tea room with one of her great-granddaughters and we include her in as many family activates that we can but to her that is not enough. Yesterday, after much research I realized she is entering the last stage of dementia. I am losing my “real” mother. The next few weeks or months, until she enters into the stage of not remembering anything, will be a difficult time for both of us. She will get more and more angry at me and I will get more and more upset because there will not be anything I can to do help her through this. Is it wrong for me to ask God to take her mind from her quickly so her anger towards me and life will go away? Am I being selfish?
 
I am so very sorry for what you - and your mother - are experiencing.

We lived through this with my MIL. We moved her down here, 1500 miles from her home, because her relatives there indicated that she needed help, and my husband is an only child. She had been fairly independent since my father-in-law passed away years earlier, but something was clearly wrong. Her behavior was becoming odd, she was forgetful, and something was just “off.” She moved in with us, and it was clear from the start that she was suffering from dementia of some sort (thought it was Alzheimer’s, but discovered years later that it was likely dementia due to Parkinsonism, though no one told us at the time.)

We hired a lovely lady to be with her during the day while we were at work, as she had started to wander. (Though it was necessary, a move such as she had made threw her even more off kilter; it was as if she had fallen off a cliff.) Before many months, she began to wander the house at night, had no idea of where she was, and had descended into a real hell, poor lady. When it was clear that she was a danger to herself, we found a pleasant, home-style facility close to our house where she was well cared for and we could visit daily, try to feed her, get her prepared for bed, etc. However, she soon refused to eat, ended up in the hospital, and ultimately in a nursing home, where she lived for several years. I have never seen anyone go downhill that quickly.

My husband was loving and attentive, visiting her every single evening on what would have been his supper break. He, too, experienced the verbal abuse that you have; even though he knew it was the dementia talking, it was very hard for someone trying his very best. That stage finally ended. I think she vaguely remembered him for a long while, as her face lit up when he would visit, but she was, largely, in her own little world - waiting for the bus, wanting to go “home” to Pittsburgh (where she hadn’t lived for 70 years), imagining folks spying on her; dementia is a truly hideous disease/condition.

Keep praying for patience and know that you are a good daughter (son?) and that you are doing the best you can. It is so difficult to hear your mother heaping abuse on you, but it is not her, but rather the dementia talking; you must try to remember that.

I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you as you take this difficult walk with her.
 
woodwonder said:
My mother who is 88 years old, lives in a wonderful group home near my home, but hates it. She says terrible things to me that make me feel horrible. She claims I don’t love her because I won’t let her move in with me. She cries all the time and says, when are you going to get me out of here? She needs 24-hour care. I spend one day a week with her (take her to lunch, etc.), bring her great-grandchildren to see her and call her every day, but lately every time I see her or call her, she just cries. Her doctor tells me she is very depressed and has dementia for which she is taking medication, but she is getting worse. Last night she cried because I forgot about her, and it was Christmas, we didn’t go to mass, and she didn’t have any gifts for anyone. When I tried to explain Christmas wasn’t for 2 weeks she just goes on about me getting her out of the place she lives. Her words, “why don’t you just tell me to go to hell, because I am living in it”. My mom has always been a difficult person to deal with and will clearly say “I never did anything I didn’t want to do and I am not going to start now.” I know she feels frightened and at times alone, and would feel more comfortable living with me, but because of her mental and physical status that is impossible. I know where she lives is the best place for her to be. It is close to me and my family, it is a very loving and caring home and they are on top her of physical and mental needs at all times. Last week she came to my house for Thanksgiving and on Saturday we took her to a tea room with one of her great-granddaughters and we include her in as many family activates that we can but to her that is not enough. Yesterday, after much research I realized she is entering the last stage of dementia. I am losing my “real” mother. The next few weeks or months, until she enters into the stage of not remembering anything, will be a difficult time for both of us. She will get more and more angry at me and I will get more and more upset because there will not be anything I can to do help her through this. Is it wrong for me to ask God to take her mind from her quickly so her anger towards me and life will go away? Am I being selfish?
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I don’t want to say outright it’s wrong, but I’d personally feel better praying for just her anger to go away.
 
My mother is now 88, has Parkinson’s and dementia, but she is still well enough to be able to live next door to my sister. My mother’s forgetting, but it’s only beginning.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

Your mother obviously needs to get skilled care. I doubt you would be in a position to give her 24/7 'round the clock care. Realize that it’s hard for her, but you’ve done your best. It’s not your fault.

I don’t think it’s wrong to pray that God take us quickly, especially when one is suffering, even dying. In fact, I think that’s the prayer a lot of people pray for loved ones at the end of their lives, that it come soon, be quick, and painless.

You are in our prayers.

Hail Mary, full of grace.
Our Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.:gopray:
 
My mother, too, went through a period when we first moved her to the nursing home about crying and wanting to go home with us. It was terrible and I felt like a terrible daughter but we just couldn’t do any better. All of us prayed and cried and prayed. I didn’t know about stages… one day we went to visit and she was content with her surroundings. It was such a change and a welcome one, for me. She was that way up to the end and had a very peaceful passing (90). Pray for your mother to become content. I pray for it, too. You are doing the best that you can and you will probably still cry for the things you can’t do for her. God bless you!

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be world without end. Amen.
 
And if she likes music… most of the ladies in the center where my mother was enjoyed religious music SO MUCH! They would flock to any place in the center where music was playing.
 
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