Mother and son relationship

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Jesusismyking

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Hi everybody,

I have a concern about my relationship with my fiancé and his relationship with his mother. He lives together with his parents and loves and respects them very much which I love and admire in him. However, we have had some disagreements because of her mother. I don’t think these are serious ones but still it worries me and I haven’t found out so far what to do.
He asks for his mother’s opinion in every single small thing and many times listens to her, I think he listens to her also issues concerning our relationship like when we should start our life together. What happened today is, and what made me decide to write here, that he promised me to come and talk to me at a certain time (over the Internet), I was waiting for him, his mother told him to watch something on TV and he stayed there instead of keeping his promise to me. He said his mother can take precedence over me as she really wanted him to see what she likes, and anyway he would do anything to make his mother happy. This statement, and some similar ones before, like his mother will always be more important than me, till we get married, worry me a bit.
I’m actually afraid that even after we get married, she will be more important than me and he will mostly listen to her and not to me that might cause problems and disagreements in our marriage.
Another thing I would like to ask your opinion about. If I ask something from him, like reading the Bible together when he doesn’t feel like reading, or to watch a certain film together, after I watched many for him, then he rejects my wish many times. He says that I’m trying to control him and he would do what he wants, not what and when I tell him to do.
I feel that people in love should always do something for each other just out of love, I do many times for him, even if I don’t feel like that, so I expect him to do the same, and when he won’t, I feel disappointed and sad. He promises me to do them but then he won’t and will accuse me of trying to control him.
I cannot deal with these issues, I try to ignore them, but sometimes they come up in me as frustration and then I tell him and for a while we lose intimacy and romantic love because of this in our relationship.
Otherwise he is perfect for me in any sense (we have been together for 4 years), he is forgiving, caring, sensitive, loyal and reliable, I would like to live my life with him and I’m willing to accept these things if it’s not possible to change them, but honestly I would feel happier if I was more important than his mother and if he did for me what I ask out of love, without accusing me of trying to control which is not my idea at all, I just what to share with him.
Thank you in advance for your answers.
God bless,
Mary
 
Your intuition is correct; you will not supplant your boyfriend’s mother. Getting married to him sounds like a terrible idea; a marriage must consist of a man and woman becoming one flesh, and that means that both parties must make their mate their top priority.

It can be daunting to contemplate breaking up with a man with whom you’ve been involved for four years, and who has some nice qualities, but to me this would be an absolute dealbreaker.

If you’re not willing to end the relationship, I would be very, very careful to secure some good premarital counseling and be sure that your guy is told plainly what the role of the husband should be.
 
Jesusismyking said:
Hi everybody,

I cannot deal with these issues, I try to ignore them, but sometimes they come up in me as frustration and then I tell him and for a while we lose intimacy and romantic love because of this in our relationship.
Otherwise he is perfect for me in any sense (we have been together for 4 years), he is forgiving, caring, sensitive, loyal and reliable, I would like to live my life with him and I’m willing to accept these things if it’s not possible to change them, but honestly I would feel happier if I was more important than his mother and if he did for me what I ask out of love, without accusing me of trying to control which is not my idea at all, I just what to share with him.
Thank you in advance for your answers.
God bless,
Mary
Click to expand...
You say you cannot deal with these issues…then say you are willing to accept these things if it’s not possible to change them. He sounds like he IS forgiving, caring, sensitive, loyal and reliable…to his Mom. Sorry, this isn’t what you want to hear but my opinion is break off the relationship. I see nothing but heartache down the road for you.
 
Jesusismyking said:
Hi everybody,

I have a concern about my relationship with my fiancé and his relationship with his mother. He lives together with his parents and loves and respects them very much which I love and admire in him. However, we have had some disagreements because of her mother. I don’t think these are serious ones but still it worries me and I haven’t found out so far what to do.
He asks for his mother’s opinion in every single small thing and many times listens to her, I think he listens to her also issues concerning our relationship like when we should start our life together. What happened today is, and what made me decide to write here, that he promised me to come and talk to me at a certain time (over the Internet), I was waiting for him, his mother told him to watch something on TV and he stayed there instead of keeping his promise to me. He said his mother can take precedence over me as she really wanted him to see what she likes, and anyway he would do anything to make his mother happy. This statement, and some similar ones before, like his mother will always be more important than me, till we get married, worry me a bit.
I’m actually afraid that even after we get married, she will be more important than me and he will mostly listen to her and not to me that might cause problems and disagreements in our marriage.
Another thing I would like to ask your opinion about. If I ask something from him, like reading the Bible together when he doesn’t feel like reading, or to watch a certain film together, after I watched many for him, then he rejects my wish many times. He says that I’m trying to control him and he would do what he wants, not what and when I tell him to do.
I feel that people in love should always do something for each other just out of love, I do many times for him, even if I don’t feel like that, so I expect him to do the same, and when he won’t, I feel disappointed and sad. He promises me to do them but then he won’t and will accuse me of trying to control him.
I cannot deal with these issues, I try to ignore them, but sometimes they come up in me as frustration and then I tell him and for a while we lose intimacy and romantic love because of this in our relationship.
Otherwise he is perfect for me in any sense (we have been together for 4 years), he is forgiving, caring, sensitive, loyal and reliable, I would like to live my life with him and I’m willing to accept these things if it’s not possible to change them, but honestly I would feel happier if I was more important than his mother and if he did for me what I ask out of love, without accusing me of trying to control which is not my idea at all, I just what to share with him.
Thank you in advance for your answers.
God bless,
Mary
Click to expand...
RED flags all over his behavior!
Time for him to be his own man. And time for you to move on.
 
Jesusismyking said:
Hi everybody,

I have a concern about my relationship with my fiancé and his relationship with his mother. He lives together with his parents and loves and respects them very much which I love and admire in him. However, we have had some disagreements because of her mother. I don’t think these are serious ones but still it worries me and I haven’t found out so far what to do.
He asks for his mother’s opinion in every single small thing and many times listens to her, I think he listens to her also issues concerning our relationship like when we should start our life together. What happened today is, and what made me decide to write here, that he promised me to come and talk to me at a certain time (over the Internet), I was waiting for him, his mother told him to watch something on TV and he stayed there instead of keeping his promise to me. He said his mother can take precedence over me as she really wanted him to see what she likes, and anyway he would do anything to make his mother happy. This statement, and some similar ones before, like his mother will always be more important than me, till we get married, worry me a bit.
I’m actually afraid that even after we get married, she will be more important than me and he will mostly listen to her and not to me that might cause problems and disagreements in our marriage.
Another thing I would like to ask your opinion about. If I ask something from him, like reading the Bible together when he doesn’t feel like reading, or to watch a certain film together, after I watched many for him, then he rejects my wish many times. He says that I’m trying to control him and he would do what he wants, not what and when I tell him to do.
I feel that people in love should always do something for each other just out of love, I do many times for him, even if I don’t feel like that, so I expect him to do the same, and when he won’t, I feel disappointed and sad. He promises me to do them but then he won’t and will accuse me of trying to control him.
I cannot deal with these issues, I try to ignore them, but sometimes they come up in me as frustration and then I tell him and for a while we lose intimacy and romantic love because of this in our relationship.
Otherwise he is perfect for me in any sense (we have been together for 4 years), he is forgiving, caring, sensitive, loyal and reliable, I would like to live my life with him and I’m willing to accept these things if it’s not possible to change them, but honestly I would feel happier if I was more important than his mother and if he did for me what I ask out of love, without accusing me of trying to control which is not my idea at all, I just what to share with him.
Thank you in advance for your answers.
God bless,
Mary
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This sounds terrible. Just his repeated use of the word “controlling” to describe you is terrible.

Obviously, don’t set a date or get married until you actually have the sort of relationship that you want to have when you are married. Ideally, he would move out to a small place of his own before you get married (so he can learn independence and demonstrate to you that he is capable of taking care of a home–dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc.) and you should do relationship counseling if you are going to stay together.

But, all in all, I’m not sure this is worth the effort. There’s a lack of respect and reciprocity. I’m not really seeing the “forgiving, caring, sensitive, loyal and reliable.”

Also, for the record, a prior commitment trumps a later invitation. So if he promised to chat with you on the internet, that takes precedence over a later invitation from mom.
 
Jesusismyking said:
This statement, and some similar ones before, like his mother will always be more important than me, till we get married, worry me a bit.
I’m actually afraid that even after we get married, she will be more important than me and he will mostly listen to her and not to me that might cause problems and disagreements in our marriage.
Click to expand...
You are correct, and this is exactly what will happen. He’s not going to suddenly change upon marriage. It doesn’t sound as though he is at all ready for marriage, particularly this part: “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and the two shall be one flesh” (Matthew 19:5). He also clearly does not respect you, which is an equally serious problem. I would strongly consider breaking off the relationship with him.
 
Mary,

As everyone has stated – he will not change – you will NOT be first in his life. He sounds very immature and not ready for a serious relationship, aside from his Mom. I know that people say that a marriage is 50 – 50, but in an engagement retreat I heard it put in a much better perspective; marriage is 100 – 100. Each one needs to be there for the other always, as it is he will not be.

It may be best to just keep dating letting him know that he needs to place you first now, not later and if he will not or cannot, then it may be best to start rethinking your relationship.

I pray God grants you peace and happiness.

Winter
 
Jesusismyking said:
Hi everybody,

I have a concern about my relationship with my fiancé and his relationship with his mother. He lives together with his parents and loves and respects them very much which I love and admire in him. However, we have had some disagreements because of her mother. I don’t think these are serious ones but still it worries me and I haven’t found out so far what to do.
He asks for his mother’s opinion in every single small thing and many times listens to her, I think he listens to her also issues concerning our relationship like when we should start our life together. What happened today is, and what made me decide to write here, that he promised me to come and talk to me at a certain time (over the Internet), I was waiting for him, his mother told him to watch something on TV and he stayed there instead of keeping his promise to me. He said his mother can take precedence over me as she really wanted him to see what she likes, and anyway he would do anything to make his mother happy. This statement, and some similar ones before, like his mother will always be more important than me, till we get married, worry me a bit.
I’m actually afraid that even after we get married, she will be more important than me and he will mostly listen to her and not to me that might cause problems and disagreements in our marriage.
Another thing I would like to ask your opinion about. If I ask something from him, like reading the Bible together when he doesn’t feel like reading, or to watch a certain film together, after I watched many for him, then he rejects my wish many times. He says that I’m trying to control him and he would do what he wants, not what and when I tell him to do.
I feel that people in love should always do something for each other just out of love, I do many times for him, even if I don’t feel like that, so I expect him to do the same, and when he won’t, I feel disappointed and sad. He promises me to do them but then he won’t and will accuse me of trying to control him.
I cannot deal with these issues, I try to ignore them, but sometimes they come up in me as frustration and then I tell him and for a while we lose intimacy and romantic love because of this in our relationship.
Otherwise he is perfect for me in any sense (we have been together for 4 years), he is forgiving, caring, sensitive, loyal and reliable, I would like to live my life with him and I’m willing to accept these things if it’s not possible to change them, but honestly I would feel happier if I was more important than his mother and if he did for me what I ask out of love, without accusing me of trying to control which is not my idea at all, I just what to share with him.
Thank you in advance for your answers.
God bless,
Mary
Click to expand...
Speaking as the mom of 3 grown “boys” I recommend that you run not walk away from this person. I’m appalled. The relationship between the man and his mom is not normal.

Annie
 
It’s obvious that his mother is a control freak, the young man is obviously totally under her control and influence, and it seems he is to immature to recognise this fact,
It’s probable that it has been this way since he was a child… I’ve seen similar to this,

What you could try, is get him to spend more time with your family,introduce him to a different home environment ,have him stay weekends, have him come with your family outings, get him involved in things away from his family, if you think he is a truly nice decent guy, he could be worth the effort , explain to your parents your dilemma,…
Explain that you think he is controlled and you think he is worth a try,and need to stop his mothers overpowering influence
 
His mother does sound like a control freak and you have just described a momma’s boy so like every one else I am suggesting that you not walk but run he is no good for you
 
This is not a small matter. Your fiance needs to be all for you, not tied to mama. He can respect his parents without sitting you on the back burner. If he can’t then you might want to reconsider your relationship. I saw my parents struggle with this for years.

My father’s ;mother was basically the matriarch of the families. What she said went and the wives suffered greatly because of it. In latter years my dad even told us kids if we married to be sure to distance ourselves from our parents AND our spouses parents. He said we needed to make our own lives, and staying to close to the in-laws, would interfere with that too much. If your fiance has trouble standing up for you now, he will only do worse later.

Tell him that and see what he says. You might have to spend a lot of time reminding him that he is married to you, not his mother.
 
We have several threads running right now where some pretty nice guys are complaining that they can’t/don’t know where to meet nice Catholic women.
RUN.
There are guys out there waiting for nice women.
Look around.

The worst part is, if you broke it off with him, I doubt he would beg you back. His mom fulfills his wants and needs. He doesn’t want a real relationship it looks like. Red flags indeed.
 
Jesusismyking said:
Hi everybody,

I have a concern about my relationship with my fiancé and his relationship with his mother. He lives together with his parents and loves and respects them very much which I love and admire in him. However, we have had some disagreements because of her mother. I don’t think these are serious ones but still it worries me and I haven’t found out so far what to do.
He asks for his mother’s opinion in every single small thing and many times listens to her, I think he listens to her also issues concerning our relationship like when we should start our life together. What happened today is, and what made me decide to write here, that he promised me to come and talk to me at a certain time (over the Internet), I was waiting for him, his mother told him to watch something on TV and he stayed there instead of keeping his promise to me. He said his mother can take precedence over me as she really wanted him to see what she likes, and anyway he would do anything to make his mother happy. This statement, and some similar ones before, like his mother will always be more important than me, till we get married, worry me a bit.
I’m actually afraid that even after we get married, she will be more important than me and he will mostly listen to her and not to me that might cause problems and disagreements in our marriage.
Another thing I would like to ask your opinion about. If I ask something from him, like reading the Bible together when he doesn’t feel like reading, or to watch a certain film together, after I watched many for him, then he rejects my wish many times. He says that I’m trying to control him and he would do what he wants, not what and when I tell him to do.
I feel that people in love should always do something for each other just out of love, I do many times for him, even if I don’t feel like that, so I expect him to do the same, and when he won’t, I feel disappointed and sad. He promises me to do them but then he won’t and will accuse me of trying to control him.
I cannot deal with these issues, I try to ignore them, but sometimes they come up in me as frustration and then I tell him and for a while we lose intimacy and romantic love because of this in our relationship.
Otherwise he is perfect for me in any sense (we have been together for 4 years), he is forgiving, caring, sensitive, loyal and reliable, I would like to live my life with him and I’m willing to accept these things if it’s not possible to change them, but honestly I would feel happier if I was more important than his mother and if he did for me what I ask out of love, without accusing me of trying to control which is not my idea at all, I just what to share with him.
Thank you in advance for your answers.
God bless,
Mary
Click to expand...
Hello Mary, I’ve been married for over 30 years and I must admit I too had some of the same issues inherent in a young man. But if you intend to marry this gentleman, you MUST understand that unacceptable behavior IS UNACCEPTABLE, no matter whom it comes from. A woman who does not wish to be a footstool best learn to stand her ground quick, fast and in a hurry. Think about it … your not asking for the world, just your due. You’ve every right to be treated respectfully as a wife, you have every right to SHARE in ALL decisions, you’ve every right to your opinion, and a Mother in Law has NO right within the bonds of marriage. Treat her with respect as your elder but stand your ground when it comes to WHO HAS say so in your own marriage.
Also … re-read your description of this man. A young man almost always has some difficulty living a life where he has to start listening to someone else on decisions, has to tell you when he goes some where, when he’s coming home, how much money he can spend. How much time he can spend with HIS friends. Doing yard chores and the like. But remember many a woman has Lived a most miserable life who HAS NOT put her feet down on those types of shenanigans. I think what I’m trying to tell you is to STOP feeling bad for standing your ground. You are completely in your rights to do so and you DEFINITELY do not want to marry someone who is NOT prepared to treat you AS HIS EQUAL PARTNER. In marriage some battles MUST be fought. The areas you describe are some of the MOST IMPORTANT ones, so Stand your ground! A person who IS forgiving, caring, sensitive, loyal and reliable should NOT be making you feel this way … should he?
 
I know women who dated men who lived at home and they would not get engaged until he was on his own, stood on his own two feet, took care of his own business. This included doing his own laundry, his own shopping and cooking, and cleaning, etc. I think he would benefit greatly if he moved out and not close to home either. He sounds much too comfortable at home and settled, living with mom. Not husband and father material, yet, but maybe in 5 years, or more, with some life experiences under his belt. (If it makes you feel better, I dated someone for 5 years and we broke up. At some point I met my husband and I’m happy to be celebrating 25 years together. That other boyfriend has now divorced, twice, and has a new girlfriend now. That could have been my train wreck. Thank you God for helping me at a critical time in my life choices!!)
 
Oh! It is really great that you are seeing this behavior clearly at this point in your relationship! Take it from someone who married the mama’s boy. The mama’s boy who is now divorcing me, 23 years later. Do yourself a huge favor and at the very least break the engagement, and give him an ultimatum.

That he calls you controlling when you want the two of you to do something that you are interested in is a huge red flag. My mama’s boy is incredibly self-centered; it sounds like yours is too. What will happens when you ask him to do something he really might not like to do, like take the trash to the curb, or change a diaper? Or when he has to make a hard choice between hurting your feelings or hurting his moms? Oh wait, he did that by not calling you at the agreed time. Does he view you as an equal partner in the relationship? Does he value your opinion, thoughts and feelings?

This man is not marriage material now, and will need to make the choice for you over his mother if he is going to become marriage material. He needs to be very clear and strong with his mother about this. And he needs to do this repeatedly, because she will not like it. He also needs to choose your relationship over his own selfishness.

If he is not willing or able to do this, then you should walk away. If he argues with you about it, then you should run away. Be firm about this!! You sound like a really nice young woman, but you do not want this for the rest of your life.

My gut says that he will choose his mom. I am sorry to be so direct, but take it from someone who’s been there, done that. I know that it seems like the 4 years you’ve been together is a long time, but add 23 years of marriage and 3 kids, and it become tragic.
 
Call off the engagement.

This is unhealthy behavior that will not change when you get married. If nothing has changed until now…it’s very doubtful anything will change after you marry.

Do NOT accept the fact that you won’t be first in his life. A marriage is only between husband and wife. Not between husband, wife and the husband’s mother or any other combination.

A marriage cannot work this way so don’t accept this as an inevitability. Break up with him and tell him why…you cannot accept the fact that he puts his mother first and that he thinks you are controlling him when you question the arrangement.

It’s unhealthy and unacceptable. RUN…do not walk from this situation. Do NOT make the mistake of marrying him thinking he will change because he won’t and you WILL be miserable.
 
Thank you so much all for your advice, for sharing your own life stories, I appreciate it very much.
I will think about everything you said and also pray.

I would like to add something that happened today and has happened many times before. You are right when you say that I blame myself for everything, even for his mistakes, even if I can see he behaves in an unacceptable way, to keep peace and to avoid blaming myself, I usually let my wish for this kind of respect from him go away.
So I asked three different questions from him on chat (while working during the day). He said yes to all together and said he was busy. That’s ok, I waited till he was on the way home. Then I asked him to answer my questions properly and if possible, next time it should happen without me asking, and I said it because it has happened several times before. His answer was that he asked what I mean by answering properly (I did know to which question out of the three he said yes), without me saying anything else he said he will switch the phone off now because he won’t let me destroy his evening and also that next time he won’t answer. Many times after such things happen, he says sorry, and says that he didn’t mean it, but I’m tired of begging for things I believe I should get naturally, like proper respect I imagined.
Many times he has closed phone on me when a conflict happens, even if I don’t consider it serious, it happened that he didn’t talk to me all weekend for something I complained about and he got angry immediately and withdraw for days. I really believe he loves me, but I think he is immature as many of you said for marriage. The problem is that we are not young, we cannot wait more with marriage, like 5 years. It is risky for us to have baby at that time and I’m worried because of time.
Thank you for your help again, God bless you all and will pray for you.
 
Jesusismyking said:
Thank you so much all for your advice, for sharing your own life stories, I appreciate it very much.
I will think about everything you said and also pray.

I would like to add something that happened today and has happened many times before. You are right when you say that I blame myself for everything, even for his mistakes, even if I can see he behaves in an unacceptable way, to keep peace and to avoid blaming myself, I usually let my wish for this kind of respect from him go away.
So I asked three different questions from him on chat (while working during the day). He said yes to all together and said he was busy. That’s ok, I waited till he was on the way home. Then I asked him to answer my questions properly and if possible, next time it should happen without me asking, and I said it because it has happened several times before. His answer was that he asked what I mean by answering properly (I did know to which question out of the three he said yes), without me saying anything else he said he will switch the phone off now because he won’t let me destroy his evening and also that next time he won’t answer. Many times after such things happen, he says sorry, and says that he didn’t mean it, but I’m tired of begging for things I believe I should get naturally, like proper respect I imagined.
Many times he has closed phone on me when a conflict happens, even if I don’t consider it serious, it happened that he didn’t talk to me all weekend for something I complained about and he got angry immediately and withdraw for days. I really believe he loves me, but I think he is immature as many of you said for marriage. The problem is that we are not young, we cannot wait more with marriage, like 5 years. It is risky for us to have baby at that time and I’m worried because of time.
Thank you for your help again, God bless you all and will pray for you.
Click to expand...
OK.
Go back and read what you wrote.
He is saying to you: I’m not listening to you. I don’t care what you need or what you say.
I’m not in love with you. I don’t want to nurture this relationship. You are an inconvenience to me.
Sounds to me like in his mind he is breaking it off with you.
Take him up on it. Walk away. Before you invest any more of your heart on this guy.
He wants out. Show him the door. No loving boyfriend, fiancé, or husband reacts like this.
Show him the door. Start over. Better to be alone than emotionally abused. The longer you settle for this treatment, the more it will hurt.
**God does not desire this for you. **

We will pray for you. Be assured of our prayers.
 
Jesusismyking said:
Thank you so much all for your advice, for sharing your own life stories, I appreciate it very much.
I will think about everything you said and also pray.

I would like to add something that happened today and has happened many times before. You are right when you say that I blame myself for everything, even for his mistakes, even if I can see he behaves in an unacceptable way, to keep peace and to avoid blaming myself, I usually let my wish for this kind of respect from him go away.
So I asked three different questions from him on chat (while working during the day). He said yes to all together and said he was busy. That’s ok, I waited till he was on the way home. Then I asked him to answer my questions properly and if possible, next time it should happen without me asking, and I said it because it has happened several times before. His answer was that he asked what I mean by answering properly (I did know to which question out of the three he said yes), without me saying anything else he said he will switch the phone off now because he won’t let me destroy his evening and also that next time he won’t answer. Many times after such things happen, he says sorry, and says that he didn’t mean it, but I’m tired of begging for things I believe I should get naturally, like proper respect I imagined.
Many times he has closed phone on me when a conflict happens, even if I don’t consider it serious, it happened that he didn’t talk to me all weekend for something I complained about and he got angry immediately and withdraw for days. I really believe he loves me, but I think he is immature as many of you said for marriage. The problem is that we are not young, we cannot wait more with marriage, like 5 years. It is risky for us to have baby at that time and I’m worried because of time.
Thank you for your help again, God bless you all and will pray for you.
Click to expand...
Nope. Nope. Nope.

I think what may be happening is that he’s taking out on you negative feelings he may have about his mom, which is not great. Sweet to domineering mom, nasty to understanding girlfriend–yuck.

If he’s not ready now (and you’re both older), it does not seem a good bet to expect him to mature. The only hope I see is if he moves out immediately and turns over a new leaf. I’m not sure it’s worth asking him to do that, though. It’s probably time to move on.
 
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