Mother and son relationship

[pianistclare]

What real boyfriend only talks in chat rooms?
Sounds like he’s also hiding something. Like you from someone else.
If you don’t, I’m getting a real bad vibe from this.
Won’t answer the phone? “Ruin his evening?”
Who is he hiding you from?
Mom is a smokescreen.
Run.

 

[mariemargaret]

I think he’s being pretty clear with you. He is only interested in you on his terms. When he wants you and how he wants you, and nothing more. When you complain he is angry and shuts you out for days? This is a huge problem now, and will get worse when you share a home together.

Xantippe could be right about him having negative feelings about his mom, or he could love the way that she adores him and expect you to treat him that way too. It depends on how his mom treats him and how he reacts to it, which you probably know the answer to this.

In any case, I wouldn’t call him back. See how long it takes him to notice that you haven’t called, and what he says if/when he calls you.

He is not marriage material and you are wasting your time with him. You deserve much better than him!

 

[Jesusismyking]

Thank you so much all for your help and prayers. It’s very difficult for me to think of living without him for even more reasons than generally people have. I am very much attached to him as my family is very small, so he means very much to me, he is my best friend and I’m an introvert, I keep a deep friendship only with very few people.

The second thing is, his relationship with his mother you mentioned. They love each other a lot and I think his mom is doing things to help, as far as I can see, never out of bad will, but she really adores him, understands and accepts everything he does, anyhow he treats her, and I think he would expect the same from me. I have tried to explain to him a few times that there are serious differences between a marriage relation and his expectation towards his mom, and I cannot and shouldn’t behave the same way his mom does (accepting and understanding everything without complaining) but it seems I haven’t managed so far.
I’m sure he has only positive feelings about his mother that is why they are so connected to each other.
I haven’t mentioned yet, but I think it’s very important to say that we mostly have Internet and phone contact because we are not living in the same city yet.
I trust him still fully as he spends all his nights with me and most of the weekend always, I don’t have any concern with trusting him, I am just afraid that these problems will be worse later, as many of you suggested, and because I don’t stop claiming some things he would not like me to claim. Maybe my deepest fear is that he doesn’t love me enough and that it might turn out in marriage and destroy our lives.

Maybe his relationship with his father is important to mention too, his father was with them quite rarely as a child, our of work responsibilities and he likes controlling very much, still, when he has grown up a long time ago, and I think it can be the reason he is rejecting anything that might sound as control attempt to him.
In the case of his mother, I agree that if what he does for his mother is not controlling, then what he does for me, shouldn’t be either.

Thank you again and I will really think about all you said, consider what God’s wish and will should be and pray a lot to see it clearly.
I pray for all of you as well.
God bless you all!

 

[Xantippe]

The second thing is, his relationship with his mother you mentioned. They love each other a lot and I think his mom is doing things to help, as far as I can see, never out of bad will, but she really adores him, understands and accepts everything he does, anyhow he treats her, and I think he would expect the same from me. I have tried to explain to him a few times that there are serious differences between a marriage relation and his expectation towards his mom, and I cannot and shouldn’t behave the same way his mom does (accepting and understanding everything without complaining) but it seems I haven’t managed so far.

That’s even pretty weird for a mother-son relationship.

Good luck!

 

[Thorns]

OP so you mainly have an internet relationship with this guy? To me, that sounds like you actually dont know him or who he is and if youre already sensing such negativity from online interaction, I am willing to bet he is much more worse in person from what you are describing. Who knows what else hes truly into, whether it be drugs or him playing you in some way.

Like others are saying, he sounds like bad news. Run, run, run. I am sure you can find a man who will truly appreciate you. You mention you’re attached to him, but what Im reading is you’re attached to your PERCEPTION of him, not the true him. He could be way different than what you perceive.

Just my two cents.

 

[pianistclare]

Thank you so much all for your help and prayers. It’s very difficult for me to think of living without him for even more reasons than generally people have. I am very much attached to him as my family is very small, so he means very much to me, he is my best friend and I’m an introvert, I keep a deep friendship only with very few people.

The second thing is, his relationship with his mother you mentioned. They love each other a lot and I think his mom is doing things to help, as far as I can see, never out of bad will, but she really adores him, understands and accepts everything he does, anyhow he treats her, and I think he would expect the same from me. I have tried to explain to him a few times that there are serious differences between a marriage relation and his expectation towards his mom, and I cannot and shouldn’t behave the same way his mom does (accepting and understanding everything without complaining) but it seems I haven’t managed so far.
I’m sure he has only positive feelings about his mother that is why they are so connected to each other.
I haven’t mentioned yet, but I think it’s very important to say that we mostly have Internet and phone contact because we are not living in the same city yet.
I trust him still fully as he spends all his nights with me and most of the weekend always, I don’t have any concern with trusting him, I am just afraid that these problems will be worse later, as many of you suggested, and because I don’t stop claiming some things he would not like me to claim. Maybe my deepest fear is that he doesn’t love me enough and that it might turn out in marriage and destroy our lives.

Maybe his relationship with his father is important to mention too, his father was with them quite rarely as a child, our of work responsibilities and he likes controlling very much, still, when he has grown up a long time ago, and I think it can be the reason he is rejecting anything that might sound as control attempt to him.
In the case of his mother, I agree that if what he does for his mother is not controlling, then what he does for me, shouldn’t be either.

Thank you again and I will really think about all you said, consider what God’s wish and will should be and pray a lot to see it clearly.
I pray for all of you as well.
God bless you all!

Well. What can I say. Your relationship is only pretend to him. It’s online. Online relationships can work out. But if you are not physically together, it’s not realistic to think you will marry. I know from experience. I met my husband on a Catholic singles website. But we MET. We spent a lot of time, physically together before we married. He moved to my city to be near me and to cement our relationship and get to know my family.
It sounds like you are hoping this will develop into more. It also sounds like you are making excuses for him. I suppose there ARE a lot of reasons why he acts the way he does. But you should not view yourself as the pill that will cure him. Change comes from within, and only after one realizes he must change. I don’t see that from what you say. If you had said this was an online relationship from the start…your answers from other posters might have been differently phrased.
You’ll meet someone else. Maybe even in person.
Why are you willing to settle for this treatment? Why? You can’t give up on God. But you can give up on people that treat you poorly. Whatever his reasoning or excuse. I know what it’s like to be treated as a burden. I don’t wish it on anyone.

 

[Xantippe]

To me, that sounds like you actually dont know him or who he is and if youre already sensing such negativity from online interaction, I am willing to bet he is much more worse in person from what you are describing. Who knows what else hes truly into, whether it be drugs or him playing you in some way.

Yes.

 

[mariemargaret]

The second thing is, his relationship with his mother you mentioned. They love each other a lot and I think his mom is doing things to help, as far as I can see, never out of bad will, but she really adores him, understands and accepts everything he does, anyhow he treats her, and I think he would expect the same from me. I have tried to explain to him a few times that there are serious differences between a marriage relation and his expectation towards his mom, and I cannot and shouldn’t behave the same way his mom does (accepting and understanding everything without complaining) but it seems I haven’t managed so far.

Maybe his relationship with his father is important to mention too, his father was with them quite rarely as a child, our of work responsibilities and he likes controlling very much, still, when he has grown up a long time ago, and I think it can be the reason he is rejecting anything that might sound as control attempt to him.
In the case of his mother, I agree that if what he does for his mother is not controlling, then what he does for me, shouldn’t be either.
QUOTE]

I can’t say this strongly enough…. you will never supplant his mom in his life. Absent dad created a situation where you fiancé became the ‘man’ of the house for his mom, and her partner emotionally. She will always be more important to him than you. You can’t break into that unless he chooses to let you, and he is not making that choice.

I asked in my earlier post if she adored him because that is the situation with my estranged husband. Unnaturally close relationship with his mom. She feeds his ego with nothing but positives, and he expected the same from me.

If you even want to pursue him further, find out if he can even see that his relationship with his mom is causing problems. Is he willing to go to counseling with you to work on this issue, and his anger issues? Do you live close enough to do that? I see that you are dating a lot on-line; do you see each other in person much? Ever? If there is ~any~ hope of a future with him, ask him to move to your city and establish himself near you. If he is willing to do that, and if he can see that his relationship with his mom is not healthy then maybe there is hope. That is a lot of ifs.

Good luck, and I will continue to pray for you.

 

[blujazz25]

Marriage is between man and woman and God, not man, his mama, you and God.

He needs to be a man and if he is really intent on marrying you, you take precedence over his mom now. The two shall become one flesh, man shall leave his family and cling on to his wife (that verse is not verbatim).

Although it is true that you both should still love your parents in accordance with the 4th commandment, but now that you both are adults and planning to get married, you should be able to stand on your own two feet together as one unit. Any interference from inlaws is not right, they are allowed to give advice and counsel (and gifts!) but not interfere with your decisions and how you run your family.

I am sorry to say but he is not ready to be married if he is going to act like that, and perhaps the mom as some letting go issues to take care of before even letting her son get married as well. No one ever is going to be good for his mom…period…same with your parents, no one is ever going to be good for you. But both parents should be able to let their children go at some point to live out their vocation, what ever they may be called to.

 

[Musician]

Run.
NOW.

 

[E_7]

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I agree with all the posters on this thread, so far.

Once married in the Catholic Church, there is no way back, it is indissoluble. So be sure of what to do, take some time to discern.

It seems to me that he is taking you for granted. It seems to me that your relationship revolves around him, and not you both.

My sister married a mama’s boy, you know what this means? The mom calls him at least once everyday! He doesn’t have a job, because when the opportunity comes, she says no, don’t take it and he does what his mommy says. And you know what? he has 2 babies with my sister, and they are both jobless living from the SNAP, and you know what? His mom does not care and does not help when they are in most need (like no food). Seems to me that she wants to destroy their marriage. His aunt (sister of the mother) was going to give him a job in another country where the aunt lives, but guess what? the mommy said to the aunt (her sister), " no he can’t" . Right now, my sister is the most pitiful of the family. She has to count the food and try to make it last, they skip lunch, she is also looking for a job…I’ll end the story here.

Please, don’t marry a mommy’s boy. Give it time, see if he becomes independent or end it. You know I get the feeling that if you two break up, he won’t be much hurt because he has his mommy, he won’t lose that much. You were never the first in his mind (forgive me if I’m wrong!).

The thing is, he is not ready to be the man God created him to be, he is not ready to become the head of the family and be a father. Not ready for marriage.

 

[Falco]

If you succeeded in getting him to live away from home, on his own, it would still be mamma who he phones every day to discuss his problems, not you.

Run, run, RUN! These men will never be good husbands. If his mother dies, he will be wanting you to mother him - not be his equal in a good marriage.

 

[DAML72]

My advice would be to dump him now. I see red flags all over the place. It’s only going to get worse once you are married.

 

[DAML72]

Thank you so much all for your advice, for sharing your own life stories, I appreciate it very much.
I will think about everything you said and also pray.

I would like to add something that happened today and has happened many times before. You are right when you say that I blame myself for everything, even for his mistakes, even if I can see he behaves in an unacceptable way, to keep peace and to avoid blaming myself, I usually let my wish for this kind of respect from him go away.
So I asked three different questions from him on chat (while working during the day). He said yes to all together and said he was busy. That’s ok, I waited till he was on the way home. Then I asked him to answer my questions properly and if possible, next time it should happen without me asking, and I said it because it has happened several times before. His answer was that he asked what I mean by answering properly (I did know to which question out of the three he said yes), without me saying anything else he said he will switch the phone off now because he won’t let me destroy his evening and also that next time he won’t answer. Many times after such things happen, he says sorry, and says that he didn’t mean it, but I’m tired of begging for things I believe I should get naturally, like proper respect I imagined.
Many times he has closed phone on me when a conflict happens, even if I don’t consider it serious, it happened that he didn’t talk to me all weekend for something I complained about and he got angry immediately and withdraw for days. I really believe he loves me, but I think he is immature as many of you said for marriage. The problem is that we are not young, we cannot wait more with marriage, like 5 years. It is risky for us to have baby at that time and I’m worried because of time.
Thank you for your help again, God bless you all and will pray for you.

He’s not immature, he’s abusive. This is crazymaking behavior and emotional abuse. And let me tell you, I am so thankful and glad that you can see it now because if you spend more time with him, he is going to eventually convince you that you are, at least in part, the cause of his behavior.

Please, sweetie, I beg of you - learn from my mistakes in life and walk away. Get some counseling and/or read books on emotional abuse so that you can identify this behavior in the future. I married a man like this and it basically ruined my life. I would hate for that to happen to you when it can be prevented. I know 4 years is a long time - that’s about how long my ex and I were together as boyfriend and girlfriend when he dumped me for my best friend. When he came back, I felt like 4 years was too much of an investment to throw away. I was so wrong!

 

[Jesusismyking]

I want to thank all of you again, for all your prayers, insights, personal life stories and advice. I have been reading and thinking a lot in the past few days, and will do more. Everything is a lot clearer now for me, by reading your insights I could understand many things I didn’t understand before. It is very kind of all of you to care and share with me, I’m asking God for his blessings for this to all who answered and have helped me.
It is shocking for me that all opinions are similar so I can be sure now that we have very serious problems to consider, more serious than I hoped they were.
It’s very difficult to face these now, but you are right that later it can cause heartaches to even more people, our families and potential children if our marriage failed, if we don’t address these issues now and make a decision.
I will try to be objective and strong in God.
May the Lord Jesus help, protect and bless us all always.Amen.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Thank you so much all for your help and prayers. It’s very difficult for me to think of living without him for even more reasons than generally people have. I am very much attached to him as my family is very small, so he means very much to me, he is my best friend and I’m an introvert, I keep a deep friendship only with very few people.

I don’t think you are going to like what I am about to say. It takes 2 to tango. Yes, he is not good for you and you need to run. However, you need to look at the part you played for staying with him for 4 years. Having an internet boyfriend is a great way for an introvert to keep in their lifestyle and not make friends. It is actually hiding.

I am VERY introverted. However most people don’t believe it when they see me in a social situation. And that did NOT come over night. I had to learn to make small talk and if there was someone at the party that bugged me to over look it. Not everyone is what I want them to be

As for having a small family. Quality is better than quantity. I have a VERY large family. More cousins than I can count. I never met a good chunk of them. Lived far away and rarely saw them. God provides the people I need through other sources than being related

Angie

 

[praestat_fides]

Hi everybody,

I have a concern about my relationship with my fiancé and his relationship with his mother. He lives together with his parents and loves and respects them very much which I love and admire in him. However, we have had some disagreements because of her mother. I don’t think these are serious ones but still it worries me and I haven’t found out so far what to do.
He asks for his mother’s opinion in every single small thing and many times listens to her, I think he listens to her also issues concerning our relationship like when we should start our life together. What happened today is, and what made me decide to write here, that he promised me to come and talk to me at a certain time (over the Internet), I was waiting for him, his mother told him to watch something on TV and he stayed there instead of keeping his promise to me. He said his mother can take precedence over me as she really wanted him to see what she likes, and anyway he would do anything to make his mother happy. This statement, and some similar ones before, like his mother will always be more important than me, till we get married, worry me a bit.
I’m actually afraid that even after we get married, she will be more important than me and he will mostly listen to her and not to me that might cause problems and disagreements in our marriage.
Another thing I would like to ask your opinion about. If I ask something from him, like reading the Bible together when he doesn’t feel like reading, or to watch a certain film together, after I watched many for him, then he rejects my wish many times. He says that I’m trying to control him and he would do what he wants, not what and when I tell him to do.
I feel that people in love should always do something for each other just out of love, I do many times for him, even if I don’t feel like that, so I expect him to do the same, and when he won’t, I feel disappointed and sad. He promises me to do them but then he won’t and will accuse me of trying to control him.
I cannot deal with these issues, I try to ignore them, but sometimes they come up in me as frustration and then I tell him and for a while we lose intimacy and romantic love because of this in our relationship.
Otherwise he is perfect for me in any sense (we have been together for 4 years), he is forgiving, caring, sensitive, loyal and reliable, I would like to live my life with him and I’m willing to accept these things if it’s not possible to change them, but honestly I would feel happier if I was more important than his mother and if he did for me what I ask out of love, without accusing me of trying to control which is not my idea at all, I just what to share with him.
Thank you in advance for your answers.
God bless,
Mary

Is your boyfriend Italian? It sounds like it!