Mother/daughter/granddaughter relationship?

[TraderTif]

So, I married my husband last June, and we were pregnant by July…which was a miracle in itself, considering my severe infertility problems, which I’d travelled out to the Pope Paul VI Institute in Omaha and had surgery for. It’s all been exciting. Insanely stressful, but exciting.

And I just knew my mom (who still lives back in VT) was excited too. First grandchild. (And I’m an only child, so for a long time she wondered if she’d ever have grandchildren, especially considering that my husband was the first man I ever dated…at the ripe old age of 28 when we met). All I’d heard out of her for years was how much she wanted grandchildren. Blah, blah, blah. And she was even more excited when it was a girl.

Kid was born in April. And…my folks didn’t come down to visit. Well, I told myself, yes they have the means to travel, but they’re older and not in perfect health, and it’s hard for them. I was disappointed, but figured “it’s ok”. I asked when they might come down to see the baby…and they were pretty vague. So, I finally said “all right, we’ll come up and visit you in October then”

It’s been a hard few months, between April and now. We have no family nearby, and I struggle with a lot of physical health problems. We’d just moved into our first house. And, my husband began struggling with health problems as soon as the baby was born. Medical professionals were telling us that we needed to get more help with the baby immediately. (Which we’ve been scrambling to do.)

My mom just kept telling me “you see? If only you lived closer.”

Well, since it’s always one problem or other, we suddenly hear that a relative on my Dad’s side has entered hospice, and if we ever want her to meet my husband and the baby, then we have to visit NOW. So, we scramble to make reservations, and drive to FL. As do my parents.

Great, I think. At least now my parents can see the baby and all that.

And they do.

And my mother proceeds to tell me, my husband, and my Dad that we’re doing everything wrong. If we pick the baby up, we’re holding her wrong, If we rock her, we’re shaking her too hard and we’re going to give her shaken baby syndrome. If we make funny faces at her, we’re scaring her. Seriously, it’s been THAT ridiculous this whole time.

Despite that we’re doing nothing right, she certainly doesn’t volunteer to show us how to do anything. No. She makes a big point of telling us, over and over, pointedly, how grandparents do NONE of the work, and only enjoy the fun. Indeed. To the point that she’s barely held the child, because if the kid makes a peep, then she is handed back to me and my parents leave.

Am I wrong to feel puzzled, disappointed, and really rather hurt??

I thought she wanted grandchildren?? And, I mean, it’s not like I wanted them to babysit for days or something…but I thought she might like to, say, spend some time with the kid?? (I don’t even feel comfortable asking them to babysit for 30 minutes, while we dash out for supper, since she’s made it plainly obvious that she doesn’t want any “work”)

All this, knowing how much we’ve been struggling, and that we’ve had to hire outside people???

(Not even “we can’t babysit” …just the “we don’t WANT to”, y’know)

Heck, aside from babysitting…it’s like she’s barely interested in the child, aside from cute photo opportunities, and the chance to buy cute baby objects, and the ability to brag to the world about her adorable granddaughter.

I don’t get it.

 

[McMcMe]

I’m sorry that your mom hasn’t given you the emotional or physical support you expected. Having a baby can be really really tough, and it sounds like you and your husband have personal medical issues on top of that. Thank goodness you found out now before you did something hasty like move closer to them so they could “help” with the kids.

My parents have been a lot less helpful with our kids than they were with my other nephews in part because we lived a few hours away so even when we were all together, they weren’t as familiar with them. I was rather resentful about this for a while and felt that we were being punished for living far away. But I’ve come to realize that they are offering what they have to offer and I can either be gracious about it or stay resentful.

As for the unsolicited advice (from mom or anyone else) practice this phrase: “Thanks for sharing your opinion. We’ve got this covered.” Rinse. Repeat.

 

[hannajomar]

First, congrats on your baby!

What was your relationship with your mother before you had your baby? Is it normal for her to be critical of you regarding other things?

 

[Bklynguy]

So, I married my husband last June, and we were pregnant by July…which was a miracle in itself, considering my severe infertility problems, which I’d travelled out to the Pope Paul VI Institute in Omaha and had surgery for. It’s all been exciting. Insanely stressful, but exciting.

And I just knew my mom (who still lives back in VT) was excited too. First grandchild. (And I’m an only child, so for a long time she wondered if she’d ever have grandchildren, especially considering that my husband was the first man I ever dated…at the ripe old age of 28 when we met). All I’d heard out of her for years was how much she wanted grandchildren. Blah, blah, blah. And she was even more excited when it was a girl.

Kid was born in April. And…my folks didn’t come down to visit. Well, I told myself, yes they have the means to travel, but they’re older and not in perfect health, and it’s hard for them. I was disappointed, but figured “it’s ok”. I asked when they might come down to see the baby…and they were pretty vague. So, I finally said “all right, we’ll come up and visit you in October then”

It’s been a hard few months, between April and now. We have no family nearby, and I struggle with a lot of physical health problems. We’d just moved into our first house. And, my husband began struggling with health problems as soon as the baby was born. Medical professionals were telling us that we needed to get more help with the baby immediately. (Which we’ve been scrambling to do.)

My mom just kept telling me “you see? If only you lived closer.”

Well, since it’s always one problem or other, we suddenly hear that a relative on my Dad’s side has entered hospice, and if we ever want her to meet my husband and the baby, then we have to visit NOW. So, we scramble to make reservations, and drive to FL. As do my parents.

Great, I think. At least now my parents can see the baby and all that.

And they do.

And my mother proceeds to tell me, my husband, and my Dad that we’re doing everything wrong. If we pick the baby up, we’re holding her wrong, If we rock her, we’re shaking her too hard and we’re going to give her shaken baby syndrome. If we make funny faces at her, we’re scaring her. Seriously, it’s been THAT ridiculous this whole time.

Despite that we’re doing nothing right, she certainly doesn’t volunteer to show us how to do anything. No. She makes a big point of telling us, over and over, pointedly, how grandparents do NONE of the work, and only enjoy the fun. Indeed. To the point that she’s barely held the child, because if the kid makes a peep, then she is handed back to me and my parents leave.

Am I wrong to feel puzzled, disappointed, and really rather hurt??

I thought she wanted grandchildren?? And, I mean, it’s not like I wanted them to babysit for days or something…but I thought she might like to, say, spend some time with the kid?? (I don’t even feel comfortable asking them to babysit for 30 minutes, while we dash out for supper, since she’s made it plainly obvious that she doesn’t want any “work”)

All this, knowing how much we’ve been struggling, and that we’ve had to hire outside people???

(Not even “we can’t babysit” …just the “we don’t WANT to”, y’know)

Heck, aside from babysitting…it’s like she’s barely interested in the child, aside from cute photo opportunities, and the chance to buy cute baby objects, and the ability to brag to the world about her adorable granddaughter.

I don’t get it.

They sound similar to my wife’s parents. You are at least lucky they live far away. I would reduce contact and not visit very often. Your mom sounds very selfish.

 

[peace2u2]

My mom just kept telling me “you see? If only you lived closer.”

And my mother proceeds to tell me, my husband, and my Dad that we’re doing everything wrong. If we pick the baby up, we’re holding her wrong, If we rock her, we’re shaking her too hard and we’re going to give her shaken baby syndrome. If we make funny faces at her, we’re scaring her. Seriously, it’s been THAT ridiculous this whole time.

Despite that we’re doing nothing right, she certainly doesn’t volunteer to show us how to do anything. No. She makes a big point of telling us, over and over, pointedly, how grandparents do NONE of the work, and only enjoy the fun. Indeed. To the point that she’s barely held the child, because if the kid makes a peep, then she is handed back to me and my parents leave.

Am I wrong to feel puzzled, disappointed, and really rather hurt??

I don’t get it.

Maybe point out to your mother, this IS why you don’t live closer!

I don’t know if you had a close relationship with your mother, but I did and I would be extremely hurt if my mother treated me that way… Tell her your hurt and your trying to figure out all this baby stuff. I would tell her that you and your husband are new parents so of course you may not do everything “perfect” but your learning as you go. Parenting is a hands on learning experience. The hospitals today throw you out right after delivering and most hosp. don’t give the new parents any good books or information to read to help you. I was given Dr. Spock’s book on babies and child care and it was immensely helpful. I also had a very compassionate and loving mother who raised a dozen children or so and she was a wealth of information and when she corrected, she did it without being critical.

Your pediatrician can also be a wealth of information. So email him or her or call with anything and I’m sure they will help you with any difficulties that you encounter.

Good luck and you and your new family are in my prayers.

Also, your mother may being feeling left out because you don’t live near by so send her lots of pictures and tell her things like baby has your pretty smile, etc. Grandparents eat that stuff up.

Peace

 

[peace2u2]

They sound similar to my wife’s parents. You are at least lucky they live far away. I would reduce contact and not visit very often. Your mom sounds very selfish.

I would try and repair the relationship as Jesus calls us to love - even those difficult people. Remember God has placed all the people in our life for a purpose. Pray for healing, forgiveness and say a Hail Mary ever time that you would rather hurl a curse!

 

[St_Francis]

My mother did that whole criticize without offering explanations or much help at all… it’s cery annoying and sometimes drove me to serious anger when she got really manipulative!

I too was older when I started having children, and now I am about the same age my mother was at that time. In truth, I am realizing that there are things I want to do but lack the energy or mental resources to do… Sometimes that is badly expressed by the person experiencing it.

I went to La Leche League meetings for a brief time and that was really nice–I met other mothers and could ask questions. Hanging around in parks is also good. And, finally, I met my best friend at church Twenty years later we are still friends, our children are friends.

 

[Allegra]

If it helps, maybe your mom just isn’t a “baby person”. Perhaps she’ll bond with your daughter when she’s a bit bigger, talking, doing more, and is more interesting to her. I have people like that in my family. It’s not that they don’t love the baby, it’s just that they would prefer to experince her via shutterfly until she is old enough to bake cookies with them. It might be a little bit premature to assume that your mom doesn’t want grandchildren. On the other hand, I know I wouldn’t be able to tolerate the bossiness you are describing and I’d have to put the kabosh on that right away.

 

[maryjk]

They sound similar to my wife’s parents. You are at least lucky they live far away. I would reduce contact and not visit very often. Your mom sounds very selfish.

And very similar to my husband’s parents.

They only wanted to do the fun things. Including, when our son was a little older, keeping him up through nap time and then getting upset that he was cranky.

We tried for years to love as Jesus intended. But the toxic relationship was way to detrimental to our family.

Luckily, about 10 years ago, we moved hundreds of miles away.

 

[Bklynguy]

And very similar to my husband’s parents.

They only wanted to do the fun things. Including, when our son was a little older, keeping him up through nap time and then getting upset that he was cranky.

We tried for years to love as Jesus intended. But the toxic relationship was way to detrimental to our family.

Luckily, about 10 years ago, we moved hundreds of miles away.

The only thing is that sometimes living hundreds of miles away can be harder because then visits, though much more rare than if they lived closer, are longer and more stressful. But, you have to take the good with the bad. My parents and the rest of the extended family live 500 miles away. They are not controlling or selfish, but visits do tend to be stressful, especially when we go back there because, of course, we need to see everybody.

 

[Bklynguy]

Pray for healing, forgiveness and say a Hail Mary ever time that you would rather hurl a curse!

This is actually a very good idea. I never thought of doing this.

 

[EasterJoy]

I can’t blame you for being puzzled, and by the negative feedback alone I’d feel offended. I’m thinking that those who suggest you can privately thank heavens that you don’t live closer are right on the mark. If she’s implying she’d be more help if she were closer, I’d not be inclined to believe it. If that’s the truth, she’s got a weird way of being passive-aggressive. Whatever. Don’t try to figure that one out. Just realize that the prospect of moving her closer would have been a roll of the dice, at best, in turns of gains and losses.

Grandma does none of the work, Grandma makes none of the rules. When she’s babysitting, she can run things, but otherwise, sorry, feedback is neither wanted nor appreciated. How you decide to play that, though, is up to you. You can bite your tongue or have your say, it’s your mother.

Ah, well. At least she sees that her grandchild is adorable. She also did not grab the child and proceed to take over, which also sometimes happens. She is not in a power struggle with the other grandmother over who gets some position or other with the child. She is not pouting because the child was not named after her. She is not blabbing in front of the child that a boy would have been preferable, or that a cousin’s child or one of your schoolmate’s children is superior in some way. She’s not insisting on driving the child all over without the benefit of a car seat, or feeding her hotdog rounds at 12 months. She’s not flipping her over onto her belly every time you put her down for a nap or telling you that you should/shouldn’t pierce her ears. She’s not insisting that the child play with toys from her own childhood that are flaking lead paint or just the right size to block an airway because “they were good enough for you.” The mother-daughter relationship very often goes through some growing pains over grandchildren, so I don’t think you’re far off of par for the course. You got hit by a few bullets, but you’ve dodged a lot of them. Take that and run, honestly.

 

[Bklynguy]

Grandma does none of the work, Grandma makes none of the rules. When she’s babysitting, she can run things, but otherwise, sorry, feedback is neither wanted nor appreciated. How you decide to play that, though, is up to you. You can bite your tongue or have your say, it’s your mother.

This is a good point. If she keeps making it very clear that she should have to do none of the work, then the OP should consider saying something like, “Well, then you can’t make any of the rules or give me and my husband lectures on the right and wrong way to do things. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

 

[stayathomemommy]

unfortunately you just learned a hard lesson a little too early…parents disappoint. Its one thing getting married but children really change our relationship with our parents. We still think of ourselves as the kids, but i think much of the time, parents struggle with how to treat us now that we have kids of our own.

people just say silly things. your mothers way to show that she cares is to knit pick about everything you do with the baby. she wants to show she still knows what she is doing but bottom line its been a long time since she has had a baby, cared for a baby, and it can be pretty intimidating. she might not be as comfortable with it as you would think.

i have also found parents have a hard time knowing how to be grandparents from afar. either they are great when you live down the street or they just stink at it when you live far away. they just dont know how to bridge the gap and they protect themselves by putting up a wall and acting like they dont care. its weird, its silly, but it happens.

just try not to hold a grudge or become bitter or dishonor your parents in anyway. Keep anger at bay and forgive. to combat that, send updates, pictures, and invite them to visit often. other then that depend on those that are near you and dependable. its hard when parents dont rise to our expectations. its a hard lesson to learn.

 

[TraderTif]

First, congrats on your baby!

What was your relationship with your mother before you had your baby? Is it normal for her to be critical of you regarding other things?

I thought we were pretty close. I was still living with them, until I moved to KY to get married last year. (My health problems slowed me down, and I took 13 years, instead of 4, to get through college.). And I’m their only child.

Yes, she’s always been critical - I was expecting that…although, this current degree, where nobody can do ANYTHING right, has surprised even me.

(This baby is the world’s most easy-going child. Our doula, who has been working with us since before birth, showing us how to do everything, has commented that this is one of the most easy-going kids she’s ever worked with. So it seems really bizarre to see, say, my Dad making a face at the baby, who is smiling and laughing away, and hearing my Mom behind me hollering that we’re scaring her.).

I know that my Mom isn’t a “baby person”, and that she’s grown increasingly unaffectionate with age. (I still bear the scars from being raised in such an environment). I wasn’t expecting her to be all naturally rushing in to play with the kid or anything. But, just based on her years of longing for grandchildren, especially a granddaughter, and based on the fact that she knows of our severe recent struggles with physical and mental health problems, and the fact that she’s always tried so hard to help me with my health problems before…I do feel puzzled and hurt that she’s basically “washed her hands” of the whole situation…aside from telling us that we’re doing it all wrong.

 

[TraderTif]

.

Ah, well. At least she sees that her grandchild is adorable. She also did not grab the child and proceed to take over, which also sometimes happens. She is not in a power struggle with the other grandmother over who gets some position or other with the child. .

Yes…although, we dodged that bullet by the fact that my husband’s parents have both passed away. However, we are dealing with this set of problems from his birth mother (who didn’t raise him)…known as “Nana”…who doesn’t understand why we can’t continuously bring the child up to see her. (Freaked out when we couldn’t travel with the kid, 3 weeks after birth, as we were desperately trying to cope with everything and I was struggling to heal from the c-section). Etc., etc. (and yet, she is too unstable to be left alone with the child, so in her case we have someone who wants tons of involvement, but is incapable of offering any real support…and who can’t possibly realize how stressful it is on all of us to go visit her.)

So yes…we dealing with a lot all around.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I’m so sorry your mother has been behaving like this. I experienced something very similar from my father - a lot of talk before I had children but zero interest and involvement once it finally happened. It hurt.

The best I can offer here is that you simply accept this disappointment and don’t expect anything from your mother. Equally, don’t feel obliged to dance to her tune: always make your own family a priority. So if it is not convenient to travel and see her do what works best for you and your family.

 

[Xantippe]

There are two extremes in grandparenting 1) smothering and encroaching and 2) couldn’t care less. The OP’s mom is interesting, in that she manages to combine them in a way that I’ve never seen done before–both encroaching and unhelpful.

It’s very likely that what people have mentioned upthread is the case–that she doesn’t have the get up and go that she used to have, and the only area where she’s able to exert herself is verbally, which she is doing in a very unpleasant way. It probably didn’t help that when you guys met it was while visiting a dying relative, so I’m sure her mind was not totally committed to meeting her grandbaby. (In fact, I think you can probably attribute a lot of her weird controlling behavior to her anxiety over the relative going into hospice–even if she isn’t close to that relative, she’s probably having to think about her mortality more than she wishes to.) I wouldn’t write her off yet–it’s possible that she will find a bigger child (like a 4 or a 5-year-old) more manageable or that she’ll do better when she isn’t emotionally multi-tasking. Or maybe not. It’s too early to say.

Your mom’s comment about how “grandparents do NONE of the work, and only enjoy the fun” is worth unpacking. In my family, there’s a set of grandparents and parents who have had a touchy relationship. For a while, the grandparents were complaining that the parents were keeping them away from their grandson, etc., while meanwhile the parents complained that the grandparents were underinvolved with the grandson. How is that possible, you ask. I think the answer to the mystery was that the grandparents were really passive about their relationship with their grandson and they weren’t putting really any effort into making time for him and figuring out activities to do with him. They were expecting to have a relationship with the grandson handed to them on a silver platter (which is very similar to your mom’s approach). I don’t know if I ever told the grandparents this, but my eventual conclusion is that with grandparenting, what you put in is strongly correlated to what you get out. So, relating this back to your situation, your mom is putting little into this relationship, and she’s going to get back no more than she put in. It’s a mistake to believe that she can have “fun” with “NONE of the work.” There will be no fun without at least some effort on her part. (Interestingly, even though this went on for years and years in my family, there’s been a last minute save, and not a minute too soon–the kid’s in his early teens now.)

 

[Bklynguy]

Yes…although, we dodged that bullet by the fact that my husband’s parents have both passed away. However, we are dealing with this set of problems from his birth mother (who didn’t raise him)…known as “Nana”…who doesn’t understand why we can’t continuously bring the child up to see her. (Freaked out when we couldn’t travel with the kid, 3 weeks after birth, as we were desperately trying to cope with everything and I was struggling to heal from the c-section). Etc., etc. (and yet, she is too unstable to be left alone with the child, so in her case we have someone who wants tons of involvement, but is incapable of offering any real support…and who can’t possibly realize how stressful it is on all of us to go visit her.)

So yes…we dealing with a lot all around.

It is amazing that with all the work and stress being a parent can and does entail, sometimes the most stress and grief comes not from the dramatic life change becoming a parent brings, but from the adult family members around us who act like spoiled children.

 

[madelynn]

I know that my Mom isn’t a “baby person”, and that she’s grown increasingly unaffectionate with age. (I still bear the scars from being raised in such an environment).

Since you know that your mother isn’t a “baby person”, that answers one question. Perhaps she may interact with your daughter better once she gets older. I agree with the others, though, who say that it’s a good thing you know that your parents are not supportive; you saved yourself a relocation. You’ll do yourself good to find support from other sources.

I have a granddaughter myself, and I am also still coping with advice that my mother gives to my daughter, who was a teen mother (19). I learned that setting boundaries is important, for your own sanity. If anybody told me that every little thing I did was wrong, I’d get impatient with the person, as I’m sure you did with your mother. I also agree with the person who said that if Mom doesn’t want to help, then she doesn’t need to criticize either.

Again, get yourself some support. Parenting classes may be helpful for you and your hubby. Another poster mentioned that hospitals discharge new moms so quickly, without any helpful information. I came after the Dr Spock era, but the hospital I went to had a maternity clinic, and the patient got a “prize pack” on every visit which included reading material. It’s sad that it’s not like that today. Get a sitter (who you can trust) and go out on a date with your husband-or by yourself-when you need a break.

Above all, remember to enjoy that baby! They grow up so quickly.