Mother/daughter/granddaughter relationship?

  • Thread starter Thread starter TraderTif
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peace2u2 said:
I don’t know if you had a close relationship with your mother, but I did and I would be extremely hurt if my mother treated me that way… Tell her your hurt and your trying to figure out all this baby stuff. I would tell her that you and your husband are new parents so of course you may not do everything “perfect” but your learning as you go. Parenting is a hands on learning experience. The hospitals today throw you out right after delivering and most hosp. don’t give the new parents any good books or information to read to help you. I was given Dr. Spock’s book on babies and child care and it was immensely helpful. I also had a very compassionate and loving mother who raised a dozen children or so and she was a wealth of information and when she corrected, she did it without being critical.

Your pediatrician can also be a wealth of information. So email him or her or call with anything and I’m sure they will help you with any difficulties that you encounter.

Good luck and you and your new family are in my prayers.

Also, your mother may being feeling left out because you don’t live near by so send her lots of pictures and tell her things like baby has your pretty smile, etc. Grandparents eat that stuff up.
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We’ve had a doula with us throughout this process - from prenatal care through birth and postpartum, showing us how to do everything. And everyone keeps telling us that we’re doing just fine. The baby is just fine, aside from being large (over 10 lbs. at birth, and almost 15 pounds at 3 months old), and unusually strong - all the doctors have commented on her unusual strength. Breastfeeding didn’t work for us, between her being so large and my health problems interfering, but my mom didn’t support the breastfeeding idea anyway, so she was thrilled when I switched to the bottle. The baby is healthy, happy, and ridiculously easy-going. Barely fusses at all. But, after dealing with all this criticism from my Mom, I still have times where I feel like a complete failure as a parent.

I thought maybe we’d be able to bond a little bit, since now we’ve both been through childbirth, having a daughter, having a c-section, etc…but, if I try to talk about how much work it is, and how stressed I get, she just says “Well, I TOLD you so!!” (As if I didn’t believe her when she told me about the work, back when I was pregnant??) :mad: 😦

And now I’m totally stressed about our visit in Vermont. I had been so looking forward to finally bringing my husband to see my home-state (which I still miss terribly). And that my folks would finally be able to spend time with the baby. But now…my husband and I are both so shocked by my Mom, that we’re considering staying in a hotel, instead of with my folks. And now I know that they don’t want to spend any time with the kid, so we’ll have no respite while we’re there. (And if I didn’t have a doctor’s appointment scheduled, with my old NaPro specialist in Massachusetts, while we’re there…I’m almost tempted to cancel the whole darn trip - that’s how much I’m dreading the experience.)

I don’t know what to do.

And I certainly have sent my mother pictures and things…but it never seems to be enough, and I don’t get them out fast enough. I remember, in the worst of the stressful times, when my husband’s problems hadn’t yet been diagnosed, and I had basically assumed complete care of the baby, and my own physical problems were threatening to crash, my Mom kept complaining because I hadn’t mailed her recent photo prints of the baby. She seemed so eager…which is why I was so confused when she seemed to show so little interest in the actual BABY when we were together in person…?? :confused:
 
“which is why I was so confused when she seemed to show so little interest in the actual BABY when we were together in person…??”

There’s an old-time joke that goes like this:

A proud new mother is complimented by a passerby on the beauty of her baby. “That’s nothing,” says the proud new mom, “You should see his photograph.”

That’s a really old joke, but even back in the day, people had the problem of the representation being viewed as superior to real live people.

Put some planning into this trip. Put out some feelers about the hotel. “Mom, Bob and I were thinking it might be easier if we stayed in a hotel with Baby Suzie to make it easier on you and dad.” Is she offended? Does she sound relieved? Take note and make plans accordingly, communicating your plans well in advance. Expect no child care from your parents. Also, talk to your parents and make general plans (nothing too exact) about activities and outings that will be suitable for you to enjoy with your husband and baby or for you to enjoy with husband, baby and parents. I know in my family that some people just have no idea what to do with company. They don’t quite get that you should make a plan for entertaining company (even if it’s family) and showing them around.

There are a lot of disappointing grandparents out there, just as there are a lot of smothering grandparents. My kids have one set of grandparents who probably didn’t spend a total of 20 minutes supervising any of them before they were school age.
 
“…my Mom kept complaining because I hadn’t mailed her recent photo prints of the baby.”

Maybe that would be a good time to remind her, “Bob’s been having a lot of health problems and so have I. I feel like I’m doing really well to feed Baby Suzie, change her diapers, feed us, do our laundry, do the dishes, and keep our home reasonably hygienic. It’s really hard, I have to pay for any help I get and I don’t have a lot of time for anything beyond the basics.”
 
OP,

from what you’ve described, it seems to me that your mom has serious control and boundaries issues over you. She insists you dance to her tune all the time and uses every opportunity to treat you like a child (telling you off when you say how demanding things are with the baby and life in general). I wonder if her attitude towards the baby are result of her relationship with you. Has she always been controlling and manipulative? If no, that perhaps means that you have always been meek and obliging, and now that you priorities have changed she is punishing you. Just an idea. I hope I’m not suggesting anything offensive, it’s just that I have experienced very similar things in my family and have picked up on a few things in your posts.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
OP,

from what you’ve described, it seems to me that your mom has serious control and boundaries issues over you. She insists you dance to her tune all the time and uses every opportunity to treat you like a child (telling you off when you say how demanding things are with the baby and life in general). I wonder if her attitude towards the baby are result of her relationship with you. Has she always been controlling and manipulative? If no, that perhaps means that you have always been meek and obliging, and now that you priorities have changed she is punishing you. Just an idea. I hope I’m not suggesting anything offensive, it’s just that I have experienced very similar things in my family and have picked up on a few things in your posts.
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No, that’s not offensive…I’m sure there are some elements of truth in that…I know she was very upset that I moved to KY to marry my husband (upset that we didn’t choose to live in Vermont).

🤷
 
madelynn said:
I am so sorry to hear this, TraderTif. Could this be linked to your parents’ attitude towards your child?
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I suppose it’s possible - I really don’t know. I do know it was a factor in my Mom always telling me to “have kids as soon as you get married” (since they felt that my Mom’s advanced age was the reason behind the miscarriages - they waited 10 years after marriage to have me). And, it seems to me that my Mom got more “overprotective” at around the same time as the miscarriages…but that was also about the time that I started developing chronic health problems, so I really don’t know.

🤷 😦
 
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