Mother doesn't want to move to another country

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Danielelfe

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Hi all,

I posted a topic some time ago about my brother, but this is about my mother (it is related though).

Basically, my mother doesn’t want me to go to another country. Not just for holiday, but for working and living. She even starts to be annoyed (and crying a little) when I even mention the possibility of me moving to another country. I have no specific plans whatsoever, but I’d like to do that in the future…

She is very lonely and doesn’t have friends really and she needs me psychologically/ emotionally. Sometimes it feels I’m her husband or something (my parents are divorced) or even her father. It puts a lot of stress on me since I know it will hurt her a lot when I move to another country for an extended period of time.

When I think about going to another country or getting vacancies I feel guilty and anxious because I know she will be upset and will disapprove of it. She is talking about that we are one family and we should stay together. Also she asks me if I willingly want to leave them behind…? Asks me why I should take a job in another country if I can take the same job in our own country without leaving them? She doesn’t see why a person would go to a different country to work and live. It feels like I cannot leave her without feeling guilty about it. It feels like I have responsibility for her…

I don’t really know what’s right or wrong or what to do? I feel suppressed in my life because of her. Do I need to stay close to her? Thanks in advance!

Greetings Daniel.

ps. btw I’m 32 years old and living on my own.
 
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It almost sounds as if she’s using you as a surrogate spouse. That’s called emotional incest. It’s entirely inappropriate.

You’re 32 years old. If your mother doesn’t approve of something you want to do, that’s not your problem. It sounds as if she may need some psychological help.

As an adult, you are able to make your own decisions and to create your own family. She needs to respect that.

You may find it helpful to read the book “Boundaries”.
 
When Jesus was on the cross, dying, He made sure that there was someone to care for His Mother.

If you are unable to care for your aging mother, then, make sure she is cared for before you move to a distant land.
 
Ordinarily that would be true. But the impression I have from the OP is that his mother has more problems with emotional manipulation than with truly needing assistance.

If she truly has psychological problems, she needs to seek help. There’s a difference between supporting and enabling. If she is fully capable of caring for herself but chooses not to do so, or if she refuses outside help because she wants her son to look after her, he’s not bound to consider her wishes.
 
His_helpmeet said:
There’s a difference between supporting and enabling. If she is fully capable of caring for herself but chooses not to do so, or if she refuses outside help because she wants her son to look after her, he’s not bound to consider her wishes.
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Would you point me to this in Church teaching?

I was taught the Catechism and various Scriptures that it is the duty of children to care for their aging parent(s).

For instance, aside from Christ’s words from the cross with regard to His own mother, Christ’s words in Mark chapter 7.

Here is the Catechism reference:

THE FOURTH COMMANDMENT

Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you.4

He was obedient to them.5

The Lord Jesus himself recalled the force of this "commandment of God."6 The Apostle teaches: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother,’ (This is the first commandment with a promise.) 'that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth.”'7

[2197] The fourth commandment opens the second table of the Decalogue. It shows us the order of charity. God has willed that, after him, we should honor our parents to whom we owe life and who have handed on to us the knowledge of God. We are obliged to honor and respect all those whom God, for our good, has vested with his authority.

[2198] This commandment is expressed in positive terms of duties to be fulfilled. It introduces the subsequent commandments which are concerned with particular respect for life, marriage, earthly goods, and speech. It constitutes one of the foundations of the social doctrine of the Church.

2199 The fourth commandment is addressed expressly to children in their relationship to their father and mother, because this relationship is the most universal. It likewise concerns the ties of kinship between members of the extended family. It requires honor, affection, and gratitude toward elders and ancestors. Finally, it extends to the duties of pupils to teachers, employees to employers, subordinates to leaders, citizens to their country, and to those who administer or govern it.

This commandment includes and presupposes the duties of parents, instructors, teachers, leaders, magistrates, those who govern, all who exercise authority over others or over a community of persons.

[2200] Observing the fourth commandment brings its reward: "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the LORD your God gives you."8 Respecting this commandment provides, along with spiritual fruits, temporal fruits of peace and prosperity. Conversely, failure to observe it brings great harm to communities and to individuals.
 
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“Caring for” doesn’t mean “enabling”. In fact, it is documented that if older people engage in physical and mental activity, their minds and bodies stay sharp and they have a lower risk of problems such as dementia, falls, hip fractures, etc.

It frankly sounds as if the mother is being manipulative and emotionally abusive. At the very least, she’s practicing emotional incest with her son. That’s not healthy. He doesn’t need to take the abuse from her. If she’s perfectly capable of getting assistance for herself, or of doing things herself, and she chooses not to, it’s not his responsibility to pick up the slack. That’s enabling. It isn’t helping.
 
What country do you presently live in?
What country are you considering moving to?
 
it seems that the mother is currently need her son, because she is lonely due to divorce. Just said she needs psychological help is true but not sufficient. It will not cure her from loneliness. Loneliness of old people are a serious problem. Can she develop relationships, activities? perhaps some activities are organised via catholics structures?

She might be afraid of aging and being alone with her other son in the near future. This need to be taken in consideration.

All that said, the OP is an adult and doesn’t need her mother “agreement” in order to emigrate, if he want to.
 
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There is nothing stopping this lady from making friends, having hobbies, or helping out a charity. She is not an invalid, so why is she not doing anything for herself?
 
Maybe this is mentioned in another post, but as the son is 32, his mother may not be very old. She might not be more than early 50s, hardly elderly. If she’s not physically ill, then her issues are emotional ones and ones that she likely could find help for. Unless of course she’s in a country that doesn’t have a vast network of social programs such as in the U.S. Might change the perspective then.
 
So I live in the Netherlands and considering moving to Italy for example. My mother is 59 years old…
 
So, your mom is single, with two children. One is profoundly disabled. I can see how the idea of her other son moving 800+ miles away would be upsetting.
 
She also sleeps in the same bed with my brother (27) while he is at her place…I have said something about that but they keep saying nothing is happening…
 
I’d suggest you read the Catechism on an adult child’s duty to parents, speak with your priest and make arrangements for someone to help your mother. Maybe you can pay someone to do handyman chores or shop for groceries/deliver her groceries. Make sure someone comes by to visit with her, help her make friends at Church before you leave.

Get her a smart phone so she can do video chats with her. Set up a “skype date” for every Sunday afternoon or something.

There are ways to move without making your family feel you are deserting them.
 
So it is not like you are emigrating to the United States or someplace really far away like that. I think you should go.
 
This is a serious question. Dont take the advice of strangers on the internet to make a decision. Talk to a priest about it. Ask your senior pastor if he can spare 20 minuets to talk to you about your situation. You can explain the situation better with a person in front of you instead of behind. Computer. God bless
 
I think you should be careful how you phrase that.
You don’t want to sound disrespectful to your mother by making it seem you think there is something sexual when clearly it is just emotional issue.

Would you be willing to look for a job where you can spend some time in Italy and some time in Nederlands or alternately would your mother and brother be able to move to Italy with you once you are settled?
I don’t know your financial situation but have you considered going on a holiday with them to Italy first?
 
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