Mother-in-Law issues

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This question is actually from my wife; her mother has been against our marriage from the start (her engagement gift to my wife was a prenuptial agreement). My wife and I split temporarily this past autumn, but we are well on the way to reconciling. Her mother has been spreading lies about me to keep her daughter from bringing me back into the home.

The problem is: my wife wants to live by the fourth commandment, Honor thy father and mother. She also wants to tear a strip off her mother for her constant lies and disrespect to me. How can she reconcile this conflict? She’s at the point where she’s ready to stop letting her mother see the grandchildren.
 
It’s admirable that your wife is trying to keep things respectful with her mother, but she should remember to also honor the covenent of marriage and show honor to you, her husband. Besides, respecting and honoring someone isn’t the same as being submissive to them. It’s completely possible to respect someone and have healthy boundaries with them at the same time, which is what I think your wife needs to establish with her mother. The message needs to be, “The respect in this relationship needs to be mutual.”
 
I think your wife should read the entire Catechism section dealing with the Fourth Commandment. It is an important analysis of the family in God’s plan, along with its limits.

Pay particular attention to:

2217 As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord."22 Children should also obey the reasonable directions of their teachers and all to whom their parents have entrusted them. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.

As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. **Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. **This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.

And this on the Sacrament of Marriage:

1605 Holy Scripture affirms that man and woman were created for one another: "It is not good that the man should be alone."92 The woman, “flesh of his flesh,” his equal, his nearest in all things, is given to him by God as a “helpmate”; she thus represents God from whom comes our help.93 "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh."94 The Lord himself shows that this signifies an unbreakable union of their two lives by recalling what the plan of the Creator had been “in the beginning”: "So they are no longer two, but one flesh."95
 
Borealis said:
This question is actually from my wife; her mother has been against our marriage from the start (her engagement gift to my wife was a prenuptial agreement). My wife and I split temporarily this past autumn, but we are well on the way to reconciling. Her mother has been spreading lies about me to keep her daughter from bringing me back into the home.

The problem is: my wife wants to live by the fourth commandment, Honor thy father and mother. She also wants to tear a strip off her mother for her constant lies and disrespect to me. How can she reconcile this conflict? She’s at the point where she’s ready to stop letting her mother see the grandchildren.
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The 4th commandment is strict for children who live at home and financially depend on their parents. Even in those cases, parents are expected not to abuse their power. The CCC reminds parents not to attempt to pressure their children in career or spouse choice.

Your MIL is behaving in a way that’s inconsistent with Catholic teaching.
2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. **Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. **This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.
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You should show this to your wife, so she is not mislead about her duty to her mother. The 4th commandment doesn’t require her to be obedient or for that matter to even interact with her mother given her circumstances.
 
We HAD these kinds of issues with my MIL. We are working on reconciliation with my in-laws now - even spending Christmas at their house. We have not seen them since 2 months before the wedding. My dh finally had to cut contact with his parents in order make clear that he would not stand for it. During a rough patch he did make contact with them but he has been making it clear to them that if they want him in their life they need to not only accept but respect me. He also has made it clear that he has done two things in his life that he would never do while living under their roof: regularly attend mass because he wanted to and go to therapy for himself. He tells this to them to show a positive influence from me but I look at it more as the power of the Sacrament.
 
When you have marital problems, the very LAST people to tell is your parents. They will have the most trouble in forgiving if you reconcile.
 
Your wife sounds either very young or very immature. Doesn’t she love you?
Your wife has to make a decision, and especially because you have children. I can’t believe there’s even any question on her part.:eek:
 
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