Mother in law issues

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longlostone

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hi -

my mother in law has been very needy ever since I have known her. she is 59 years old and she has only worked 5 years in her life. she expects her children to take care of her. she currently does not have a good living condition and it is about to expire. we cannot take her in and her other children do not want to take her in (4 children total). she is a very depressing individual and this whole mess is giving me great anxiety. we have two children who are under the age of 3 and we want them to have a great life. we are working professionals and we worked our butts off to get where we are today. we do not have any available funds to provide her with housing. daycare is super expensive and we are in need of two cars because our cars are so old they are about to die.

everyone wants to get together to talk about the mother and I am going to do my best to remain calm. however, I feel like I might get fired up. my partners siblings think it would be best to have her in our house since we have a spare bedroom. that spare is for baby #3 down the road. there is no such thing as having her in our house temporary because that happened once and it took us forever to get her out.

she does have social security money coming to her, but not sure how much she is making.

am I being insensitive? I just want a HAPPY life for my family. my mother in law is making life very difficult for me right now and I am furious. she has stopped eating and is wasting away to nothing. her doctors are concerned and believe she needs extra attention (assisted living). if that is the case, I know this sounds bad - but we cannot afford assisted living. it is so expensive. partners siblings wives do not work so it is difficult.

my mother in law expects children to take care of her. she is not even of medicaid age.

advice?
 
longlostone said:
my partners siblings think it would be best to have her in our house
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Oh yes, I am sure they do. They know a sucker when they see one.

Your husband and his siblings need to engage with the local government health and human services agencies about placing her in care. She sounds unwell mentally as well as physically.

The two of you trying to care give to a mother who needs professional care along with young children is a recipe for disaster. Your husband needs to stand up to his siblings and tell them he is willing to work with social services on a placement for his mother, but she cannot live with the two of you.

What your mother in law expects is beside the point. She is unwilling to work or care for herself, that is NOT your problem. She may be mentally ill, in which case it is better for her to be under professional care. If she is indigent, Medicaid should assist her until she is Medicare eligible. If she’s receiving social security disability, then she should already be Medicare or Medicaid eligible.

I suggest you contact your county health and human services department and get them involved immediately.
 
longlostone said:
she is 59 years old and she has only worked 5 years in her life. she expects her children to take care of her. she currently does not have a good living condition and it is about to expire. we cannot take her in and her other children do not want to take her in (4 children total). she is a very depressing individual and this whole mess is giving me great anxiety. we have two children who are under the age of 3 and we want them to have a great life. we are working professionals and we worked our butts off to get where we are today. we do not have any available funds to provide her with housing. daycare is super expensive and we are in need of two cars because our cars are so old they are about to die.

everyone wants to get together to talk about the mother and I am going to do my best to remain calm. however, I feel like I might get fired up. my partners siblings think it would be best to have her in our house since we have a spare bedroom. that spare is for baby #3 down the road. there is no such thing as having her in our house temporary because that happened once and it took us forever to get her out.
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I think you need to go to counseling, STAT. Even if you have to travel, I’d look up a good Catholic therapist.

Let’s forget her age for a moment and focus on the needy. God has given you 2 children to take care of. Their care is your responsibility first and foremost. Caring for the elderly is like caring for a small child. This does not sound feasible. You have already experienced caring for her once, you need to say “no more.” Fill the spare bedroom with your children’s playthings. Give each their own room. Your house is filled.

In addition, I would not indicate that your spouse’s siblings are somehow less because they have a wife who is not engaged in paid employment. That is a VERY personal decision and one that often requires an enormous amount of sacrifice.

What does your spouse say? This is probably the most important.

Caring for an elderly person is a FULL-TIME job, especially with mental issues. You are not qualified, full stop.
 
Consider that your children will view what you do as an example for them. I think I’d expect my kids to help look after me in old age if I was incapable of doing so myself.
 
thank you both for understanding the scope of this situation. it is very hard dealing with my mother in law. I am a Christian, yes and I feel bad, yes - but I have a family to build and raise. she is very negative. I am sorry, but I cannot deal with that. I am stressed, it will get to my children. children come first. her siblings do not want to do anything for her. they had enough according to my partner. I am not told much- I want to stay out of it.

Adam: you just do not understand this undertaking. you are a man, so it is hard for you to see it in my way. when we had to tell her she needed a different place (other than our house) she got mad and talked crap about us. she is not happy at all for us.

she uses the money she has on cigarettes and alcohol. I am sorry, but I am not allowing that in our house. when we were away, she was house sitting. we told her not to smoke in our house. we got back - smoke in the house. understand? if not, then you are lost.

please note, I do not like coming here on the internet and talking about her. it is hard for me. but I need answers. I need to hear what others have to say.

we may need counseling depending on how this panes out with the discussion of family members.

question:
what if I bring it to the attention of my partner and siblings that they provide her with an x amount monthly? sure, it will not be a lot - but between the four of them maybe. I doubt they would all do that because they claim they have “no money.”

edit she was living on her own in an apartment, but she did not like it. she moved in with on of her children and then they wanted her out. she does not like living on her own I believe or in an area that is not nice.
 
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longlostone said:
question:
what if I bring it to the attention of my partner and siblings that they provide her with an x amount monthly? sure, it will not be a lot - but between the four of them maybe. I doubt they would all do that because they claim they have “no money.”

edit she was living on her own in an apartment, but she did not like it. she moved in with on of her children and then they wanted her out. she does not like living on her own I believe or in an area that is not nice.
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I would honestly contact elder affairs and social services. Your money will be taken from the mouths of your children to provide smokes and alcohol to your mother in law.

You cannot reason with mental illness and it sounds clearly like that’s clearly what you’re dealing with. You have to understand something. The family dynamics isn’t that they are refusing charity to an impoverished old lady. They are refusing to give monetary donations to a woman who is refusing reasonable means of help and refuses to do for herself. You’re only going to come off as ignorant if you ask they give even a few bucks a week. This is quite clearly a MUCH larger issue than providing for an elderly person.

We ARE called to care for our elders. We are NOT called to be abused by them. Your MIL is rejecting ordinary living conditions because she’s manipulating you. You all can provide her resources but housing or money is off the table.
 
I agree with the advice to look into what social services she might be eligible for. Assisted living can be very expensive, but perhaps she would be eligible for some housing assistance and the care of a visiting nurse, or whatever her specific needs are.

I would be careful about ever bringing up that she “only worked five years in her life”. If she raised four children, she did not “only” work for five years. Similarly, the fact that your sisters-in-law do not have paid employment is not really relevant. It sounds like they’ve had enough of her and so have you, so who works for pay and who doesn’t isn’t really important.

Really, what matters is what your husband thinks about all of this. You don’t mention what his views are- is he in support of having his mother move in with you? If so, your problem is very different than trying to figure out what to say to other family members.
 
Clementine14 said:
I would be careful about ever bringing up that she “only worked five years in her life”. If she raised four children, she did not “only” work for five years. Similarly, the fact that your sisters-in-law do not have paid employment is not really relevant. It sounds like they’ve had enough of her and so have you, so who works for pay and who doesn’t isn’t really important.
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At the same time, once kids are grown an adult woman has little excuse not to rejoin the workforce or volunteer on a job-like basis if she is still young and well enough to do so. Seeing as she has grandkids it sounds like she’s been an empty nester for quite some time. It seems that this is what was being implied. At 59, if it weren’t for her disability, she should very much be in the workforce/volunteer world. Many of the resentments towards SAHM is the idea that they get a “free ride” once their children are grown.
 
AdamPeter said:
Consider that your children will view what you do as an example for them. I think I’d expect my kids to help look after me in old age if I was incapable of doing so myself.
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Consider the example that an unwell grandparent would set for the children. Sometimes, taking care of someone doesn’t mean letting them into your home. If doctors think she needs assisted living, that is more care than two working adults with young children can provide.
 
If she is only 59 she probably gets social security disability, since no one can get social security until age 62. She may qualify for help for assisted living, if family is unable to provide for her. She might enjoy living in an assisted living facility, where she would find other adults to talk to. As others have mentioned, if she’s not working at such a young age, she may have a disability, which could include clinical depression.
Before having a family discussion, it would be wise for your husband to find out the facts, such as what she does get and what help is available for her. Call a social worker at a hospital or assisted living facility.
 
A person who is ill, physically and/or mentally, and needs assisted living help is likely not going to be well taken care of in a household where the two people have two jobs and two small children.

I think you as a family need to realistically determine
  • what resources your MIL has, exactly;
  • what assisted living options are available for her; and
  • what money each of you can realistically contribute.
The hospital should be able to refer you to social services people who can help you with assisted living options and what coverage she might have.
 
You can also call Catholic Charities as another resource for direction and help.

Praying for your family too.
 
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Actually, if she is a widow she may get Social Security from her deceased husband’s earnings at age 60. Be sure to check that out. If she is a divorced woman and her ex husband is deceased and they were married for 10 years or more, she can claim SS from the deceased ex husband’s earnings but that will have to wait until she is 62.
 
First of all, she needs to be signed up for everything she qualifies for. This includes housing etc. I would offer to provide paperwork and filing assistance at the very least. That is the absolute minimum that anyone should do for somebody, if their “cars are dying.” If you find some humility in that, it may build you into an incredible person. Sometimes The Lord puts issues like hers there as pollen, and it’s up to you whether or not to know how to use it.
 
CatholicSpirit said:
First of all, she needs to be signed up for everything she qualifies for. This includes housing etc. I would offer to provide paperwork and filing assistance at the very least. That is the absolute minimum that anyone should do for somebody, if their “cars are dying.” If you find some humility in that, it may build you into an incredible person. Sometimes The Lord puts issues like hers there as pollen, and it’s up to you whether or not to know how to use it.
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Yes, there is no doubt that this family needs to help her navigate resources. However, it also sounds like the dynamic has been that if MIL complains she simply doesn’t need to and gets a free ride.

This family needs to sit down and make reality clear to her. As I said before, it would be wise to get an elder attorney or social worker assigned to her case. This woman has become accustomed to abusing her family. It’s got to stop.
 
I agree with that, with the exception of the last part. The trick is to get the complaining towards the right people. Sometimes we direct or aim our frustrations at the wrong people, it’s like punching a wall after a bee sting…

After a lot of practice throughout my life, I realized the easier to identify that it is going in the wrong place, the more we should be understanding with them. To know and see it while they do not immediately shows not only that we are wiser then they, but also that it is sad because their future literally depends on them crunching that seemingly “easy” problem.

All the more it seems like a test from the almighty as to whether we have matured or not to realize we are there to do what we must.
 
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The OP has made her abuse and disrespect clear. If she insists that family must take care of her, then have a 3rd party is necessary. Her family cannot care for her health in its current state financially, physically or emotionally. They also cannot risk the harm that she will cause their children by smoking indoors and could cause their children by alcoholism.

It’s not inappropriate to aim frustrations at her–she is the one doing wrong. However, I agree it would be just as futile as punching a wall. Thus, getting a 3rd party involved.

This isn’t about maturity. They can’t stop granny from doing real and lasting harm to their children (via smoking indoors) and they are unlikely to be able to prevent the mental, and perhaps physical, harm she could do. I think in many cases people see “difficult” when really “abusive” should be applied.

We are not called to be in an abusive relationship for the sake of being wiser or more mature. That’s very ignorant on how abuse works.
 
her husband passed away 14 years ago so I am not sure if he would have that much in savings when she turns 60. I am not exactly sure what he did, but he did support all of them at one point and lived in an incredible house. ever since her husband passed - it seems that is when she got in this depression. I know a lot of people who had their spouse passed and it is hard but they are working and not giving anyone anxiety.

I went to private school and that was my dream - to send my children to private school as well. we are making enough to where we can afford private school when the time comes. I worked my butt off to get to this point. I do not make a lot but I make enough to where I can provide my children the best education. my husband worked hard to get where he is as well. We do not have enough on reserve to just give to her. maybe, we can afford a small amount monthly, but that would be paying for her habit. so it really does not make any sense.

smoking is a big no-no for me. I was furious when I found out she smoked in our house when we told her not to. smoke stays. it travels. I do not want my children exposed to that. I am sorry. but I do not. my partner says it has not effected him at all because his mom and dad would do it all the time when he was little.

I need to organize my thoughts because we are meeting at the end of this month. I need to figure out how to approach this without looking like a “B.”

Thank you all.
 
longlostone said:
her husband passed away 14 years ago so I am not sure if he would have that much in savings when she turns 60. I am not exactly sure what he did, but he did support all of them at one point and lived in an incredible house. ever since her husband passed - it seems that is when she got in this depression. I know a lot of people who had their spouse passed and it is hard but they are working and not giving anyone anxiety.

I went to private school and that was my dream - to send my children to private school as well. we are making enough to where we can afford private school when the time comes. I worked my butt off to get to this point. I do not make a lot but I make enough to where I can provide my children the best education. my husband worked hard to get where he is as well. We do not have enough on reserve to just give to her. maybe, we can afford a small amount monthly, but that would be paying for her habit. so it really does not make any sense.

smoking is a big no-no for me. I was furious when I found out she smoked in our house when we told her not to. smoke stays. it travels. I do not want my children exposed to that. I am sorry. but I do not. my partner says it has not effected him at all because his mom and dad would do it all the time when he was little.

I need to organize my thoughts because we are meeting at the end of this month. I need to figure out how to approach this without looking like a “B.”

Thank you all.
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  1. You need to stop using emotional arguments. You work hard and want nice things. Fine. But she’s emotionally manipulative. She will always one up you. Always.
  2. Get your husband on board. Period. Do not go to any meeting until you are both of one mind.
  3. You’ve stated more than enough information to show that she is mentally ill. You need a 3rd party professional. You can’t provide enough lay support to help her.
 
Her husband passed away when she was in her mid forties? How has she lived since then? How old were the children? How is it your spouse doesn’t know what his father did for a living?

Bottom line is that your MIL is ONLY 59. She’s not considered a senior citizen for Social Security. If she is of reasonably sound mind, no one will be able to force her into assisted living, she’ll need to decide that on her own.

If she has no assets she might qualify for Medicaid. But assisted living facilities are normally not covered by Medicaid completely. The medical care might be, but not room and board.

Is she ill enough to go to a nursing home? Again if she isn’t it will be difficult placing her, and even more so against her will.

:woman_shrugging:t2:
 
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