Mother-in-law problems

[Gullveig]

I know, right? I’ve already told her no and that if they want to come down for a few days, that’s fine, but my mom, who is a doctor, lives close by so I have all the help I need, but she just says that as we get closer to the due date, I’ll probably change my mind.

As for the names, we haven’t told them about it yet, but the issue is that we want to use the Icelandic patronymic style last name for the kids instead of my husband’s family name, since the kids will be both Icelandic and American citizens and it’s likely that they’ll be spending the most time around my family, who all have Icelandic names. Given that my husband is the oldest son and comes from a very traditional family, and our kid is going to be the first male grandchild we found out this last week, I’m guessing this is going to be a big deal.

 

[Xantippe]

Gullveig said:

“So, hopefully, that’s dealt with for now, although I foresee another argument about the baby names and about whether my MIL can come down and stay for a month or so around the birth date to “help” in the near future, which she wants to do.”

I have a lot of experience with graduate families as that’s my social circle and here is my suggestion:

As long as you are on maternity leave and not trying to do academic stuff, feel free to turn MIL down. Particularly if you wind up breastfeeding, there’s a limit to what she can do for you (unless you and she are comfortable with her taking over a lot of household tasks). Plus, you’ll probably be much happier learning to breastfeed without her (unless she’s an RN or a lactation consultant). However, once you refocus on academics and the baby gets older, your MIL’s offer may sound more and more attractive.

I hear through the grapevine that there are two graduate moms of big babies/toddlers in our circle who are suddenly looking MUCH perkier now that their moms are in residence. There’s a tendency for academic output to flatline with pregnancy and new motherhood.

If I were you, I would thank MIL effusively, keep her newborn visit short, and try to take a raincheck on the longer visit. That may not be possible (I find that newborns are much more enticing to grandmas than bigger babies and children), but it’s definitely worth trying. Think about your academic schedule and see if you can book her a long visit during high need times like the end of your maternity leave, exams, prospectus, etc.

But if you don’t really have enough space to comfortably house her, feel free to not do it.

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

One of your options for the name is to do it like this: Icelandicfirstname Iclandicpatronymic Husband’slastname.

That’s more or less the way Russian names work: there’s a first name, a patronymic (where Americans would have a middle name) and then a family name.

 

[Gullveig]

In regards to her staying a month, it might be nice to have additional help, but at this point a week in my MIL’s company would be pushing it unless something drastic changes in the next 4 months or so. I’ve got maternity leave set up through August, so I’ve got a little bit of to adjust and my mom is going to take some time off from her practice after the birth to help, which would be easier for me to deal with than the MIL, so it should be ok.

One of your options for the name is to do it like this: Icelandicfirstname Iclandicpatronymic Husband’slastname.

That’s more or less the way Russian names work: there’s a first name, a patronymic (where Americans would have a middle name) and then a family name.

That would work only as long as we were going to stay here in the US more or less permanently, which is undecided as I’d like the kids to spend at least a few years in Iceland as they’re growing up if possible. My husband’s surname would be a nightmare to try and use with the Icelandic language declensions and it would set up some issues getting their citizenship papers together and other logistical problems, so it’s easier from a legal standpoint just to give them Icelandic names at birth. Plus, we agreed that my husband would get to make the call on naming, since that holds religious significance in Asatru, and so far he’s said he prefers the patronymic last name. With the boy, we’ll probably give him my husband’s surname as a middle name instead, since that won’t cause nearly as many problems and maybe appease the in-laws. They can call him whatever they want, it just makes more logistical sense for his legal name to have the Icelandic format.

 

[Xantippe]

While I’m thinking of it, “We’d like you to come for a longer visit later on when we need you more,” is a very versatile answer, as “later” could be any time from now until the heat death of the universe.

It’s good you and your husband have figured out the name.

 

[Kelfa28]

Do not cave on the names. In fact, I wouldn’t even tell the inlaws what you are planning to do in regards to naming the baby.

I got into a minor disagreement with my MIL about baby names and we like each other. I got shut out of my first choice name for both of my daughters because of everyone sticking their nose in our business and clucking their disapproval.

Your baby, your choice. If hubby is on board with your decision then it’s done. Let the inlaws know after the baby is born and the ink on the birth certificate is dry.

 

[Cricket2]

So, I talked to my husband about it to see what he thought would be the best way to approach it given the way his parents work. I’ve been reluctant to respond in any way, because I’ve always felt that people have a right to their feelings and if this is how my MIL feels then, well, whatever. But, my husband said that, knowing his mom, he wasn’t entirely convinced it was an accident and that if we let her get away with it she would be a lot pushier in the future, which resulted in a very awkward phone conversation with his mother where she basically said she was sorry for mis-sending the e-mail and that I took it “that way” and so on and didn’t actually listen to a word we said. >.<

Interestingly, though, my father-in-law called the next day to apologize on her behalf and say that he had talked to her and that he hoped we could all just put it behind us and start over.
So, hopefully, that’s dealt with for now, although I foresee another argument about the baby names and about whether my MIL can come down and stay for a month or so around the birth date to “help” in the near future, which she wants to do.

Having watched my parents struggle with MIL issues via my dad’s mother, for their entire marriage, I find myself having to make a suggestion my dad made to his kids: If you get married move 2000 miles away from either of your parents. He felt that this would make for a stronger marriage and one in which the married partners were more dependent on each other, versus what the inlaws dictated. It’s just a thought.