Mother-in-law problems

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pray99

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Hi CAF! My husband and I have been married over a year and have a little one due in the spring! We are practicing Catholics. When I started dating my husband my future mother-in-law immediately tried to break us up and has talked about me horribly to my husband since then. Trust me, I have tried to apologize many times for misunderstandings (mostly in the beginning of our relationship over 4 years ago) and slowly backed away as she continued to be quite mean/abusive and wouldn’t change no matter what we tried to do. We’ve spoken to priests, prayed for her, etc but we’re still in the situation of not knowing how to handle this especially with a little on on the way. She didn’t support us during our engagement, never came to our wedding/congratulated us, and even when we sent her an email with photo of our sonograms instead of congratulating she brings up misunderstandings from the past most from over 3 years ago. The way she writes her emails is just… unhealthy, abusive, and not humane.

She lives on the other side of the country. I have not seen her in years. We went to my husband’s home town last month and stayed with a family friend because it wouldn’t be healthy to stay with his mom. My husband met up with his mom a few times on her own and their last meeting he explained to her how she talks about me and behaves is unacceptable. Leading up to our visit to my husband’s hometown, we were visiting my sister-in-law, and my mother-in-law spoke to my sister-in-law on skype about how horrible I was for a few hours when we were there visiting. She also sent many hate emails to her. My sister-in-law said she thinks I’m such a great person and she doesn’t know how her mother could speak so unchristian like about me. She admits to also apparently informing all of my husband’s family friends from his home town how she doesn’t like me etc and causes so much drama its not necessary.

Apparently when my mother-in-law and husband met up a month ago, my husband got quite annoyed and mad with how his mother was reacting to the conversation and showed this when he was in her presence. When he said goodbye to his mom he said “please do not send me negative emails about serious topics because I would rather speak to you on skype or over the phone. messages via email arent always understood how they’re meant”. and a week after we left my husband’s hometown, she has already sent a snarky/rude email. my husband replied nicely and said “mom i’m not talking about serious topics over email. i’ll give you a call when I get a chance” and she has sent him four negative, abusive emails since then. My husband wants to reply but I feel like he shouldn’t? He has already asked her in the past to stop abusive emails but my husband does know he wasn’t the nicest to her when he saw her in person last. If he tries to call her on the phone/skypes with her she is short with him and isn’t very nice either. Any ideas on what to do?

If she apologized and stopped gossiping all of the time to her friends and our family, I would be more than willing to move on so she can have contact with us again and a relationship with her grandchild. Of course there would be many boundaries but it’s just unfortunate we can’t get to this point. She is very proud and thinks everything she says is “only the truth”. Please keep us in your prayers.

Also just some of the things (nicer things) she says in her emails about me are “She doesn’t want to share you with anybody. Jealously knows no bounds. I could tell from the beginning she wanted you to herself.” “I just feel really sad for you. You are more than possible just lying to yourself. Your ways (or what you have been led into) are as far from heaven and earth. Yet you blame me for pointing this out Sorry but it is all the truth”. “Well for the last time, from awesome Paradise, on earth…In-which she has talked you out of…Just make shore it is not Paradise Eternal next…” This last comment is saying I made my husband move from the “paradise” he is from and she is insinuating she hopes it is not paradise eternal damnation next. How wrong is that?

She has also said since he has been dating me that he has “not been himself” and “this isn’t you”. She is also belittles my husband a lot. Since she has been acting like this my husband and I have taken it quite well. We just try to pray for her and be nice. Any advice on how to move forward? Ignore her until the baby comes next year? Call her on the phone? Ignore her completely because she is condescending? :confused:
 
pray99 said:
Hi CAF! My husband and I have been married over a year and have a little one due in the spring! We are practicing Catholics. When I started dating my husband my future mother-in-law immediately tried to break us up and has talked about me horribly to my husband since then. Trust me, I have tried to apologize many times for misunderstandings (mostly in the beginning of our relationship over 4 years ago) and slowly backed away as she continued to be quite mean/abusive and wouldn’t change no matter what we tried to do. We’ve spoken to priests, prayed for her, etc but we’re still in the situation of not knowing how to handle this especially with a little on on the way. She didn’t support us during our engagement, never came to our wedding/congratulated us, and even when we sent her an email with photo of our sonograms instead of congratulating she brings up misunderstandings from the past most from over 3 years ago. The way she writes her emails is just… unhealthy, abusive, and not humane.

She lives on the other side of the country. I have not seen her in years. We went to my husband’s home town last month and stayed with a family friend because it wouldn’t be healthy to stay with his mom. My husband met up with his mom a few times on her own and their last meeting he explained to her how she talks about me and behaves is unacceptable. Leading up to our visit to my husband’s hometown, we were visiting my sister-in-law, and my mother-in-law spoke to my sister-in-law on skype about how horrible I was for a few hours when we were there visiting. She also sent many hate emails to her. My sister-in-law said she thinks I’m such a great person and she doesn’t know how her mother could speak so unchristian like about me. She admits to also apparently informing all of my husband’s family friends from his home town how she doesn’t like me etc and causes so much drama its not necessary.

Apparently when my mother-in-law and husband met up a month ago, my husband got quite annoyed and mad with how his mother was reacting to the conversation and showed this when he was in her presence. When he said goodbye to his mom he said “please do not send me negative emails about serious topics because I would rather speak to you on skype or over the phone. messages via email arent always understood how they’re meant”. and a week after we left my husband’s hometown, she has already sent a snarky/rude email. my husband replied nicely and said “mom i’m not talking about serious topics over email. i’ll give you a call when I get a chance” and she has sent him four negative, abusive emails since then. My husband wants to reply but I feel like he shouldn’t? He has already asked her in the past to stop abusive emails but my husband does know he wasn’t the nicest to her when he saw her in person last. If he tries to call her on the phone/skypes with her she is short with him and isn’t very nice either. Any ideas on what to do?

If she apologized and stopped gossiping all of the time to her friends and our family, I would be more than willing to move on so she can have contact with us again and a relationship with her grandchild. Of course there would be many boundaries but it’s just unfortunate we can’t get to this point. She is very proud and thinks everything she says is “only the truth”. Please keep us in your prayers.

Also just some of the things (nicer things) she says in her emails about me are “She doesn’t want to share you with anybody. Jealously knows no bounds. I could tell from the beginning she wanted you to herself.” “I just feel really sad for you. You are more than possible just lying to yourself. Your ways (or what you have been led into) are as far from heaven and earth. Yet you blame me for pointing this out Sorry but it is all the truth”. “Well for the last time, from awesome Paradise, on earth…In-which she has talked you out of…Just make shore it is not Paradise Eternal next…” This last comment is saying I made my husband move from the “paradise” he is from and she is insinuating she hopes it is not paradise eternal damnation next. How wrong is that?

She has also said since he has been dating me that he has “not been himself” and “this isn’t you”. She is also belittles my husband a lot. Since she has been acting like this my husband and I have taken it quite well. We just try to pray for her and be nice. Any advice on how to move forward? Ignore her until the baby comes next year? Call her on the phone? Ignore her completely because she is condescending? :confused:
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It sounds like her personality is the problem. Not much you can do to change that. I think your husband is handling things well; giving her a way to establish a healthy relationship but establishing barriers. If she will agree to behaving like a nice person, she can be in the grandkid’s life; if not, she gets emailed pictures and stories of the grandkid and (when the grandkid can talk) a QUICK ‘happy birthday grandma’ or ‘happy mothers day grandma’ on the phone (or recorded message by Skype might be better). I think cutting her out completely is a bit too mean, but definitely the main thing to do is to protect your relationship with your husband and your child.

P.S. Congratulations.
 
First of all, congratulations! Secondly, be thankful she lives on the other side of the country!

Seriously, I think your husband has to lay down the law with her about how she treats you and the negativity she’s bringing into your lives. If she can’t/won’t change her behavior, then I think it would be best for the contact to be limitied (and whatever contact there is, let it be through your husband).

I’m sorry you have to deal with this!
 
Pick up a copy of “Toxic Parents.” It gives good strategies for dealing with this sort of behavior.

Do not respond to the negative Emails. If she brings it up, it’s your spouse’s responsibility to gently remind her that the boundaries have been set.

Read Fulton Sheen’s “Three to Get Married” for strength. You are a family unit, a united front. No one can take that away; God bless you.
 
You’ve done more than most people would do to create a relationship with your MIL, and she has refused to cooperate.

It’s time to cut her out of your life.

You will soon be blessed with a child, and it will be your responsibility to protect him and keep him from harm. It’s more than likely that your MIL will transfer her animosity toward you to the poor child and treat him as badly as she does you. Do you want that?

On the off chance that she doesn’t do that, she will probably try to use the child and her relationship with him to manipulate and wound you. Do you want that?

Just as you would not allow your child to be around a person with a contagious illness, so should you not expose him to someone who is so filled with hate.

Your DH should take some of those antagonistic emails and send them back to with a note saying that unless she apologizes to you and proves that she will treat you with respect and courtesy, she will no longer be in your lives.

She has behaved abominably toward you (who doesn’t attend their child’s wedding?) and there have been no consequences. She’s learned that you will tolerate her behavior so she keeps repeating it.
 
Continue letting your husband be the one who deals with his mother. And let him deal with his mother and her emails as he sees fit. Continue praying for her.
 
I may have misunderstood what you were saying, but I just want to say that your uusband, in his talk with his mother, tried to set boundaries with her. She did not take that well. *this does not mean that he did something wrong. *

He is holding to the boundaries he set with her, and that is good. Pray for him to hold fast as well as for her.
 
You don’t need to deal with this woman anymore. If your husband wants to deal with her toxic personality, leave it to him. Don’t let her around your child. I’m sorry you have to deal with her venom.
 
Block her emails, and tell her you are doing so.

You have asked her not to communicate via email and she will not respect that. Block her. This will also save you and your husband the heartache of reading them.

I agree with others that you should continue to let your husband handle her, and once your little one arrives (congratulations) be very strict about contact with her. If I was in your position, I would never allow this person around my children without me being present, and I would see that as being more than generous. Unless you control this, you can count on your children hearing all these negative things she says about you to seemingly anyone who will listen.
 
WWJD?

He endured and forgave and taught while doing so.

What should you do?

Your best to do what you feel He would do.

I think that for myself I would try to limit my contact and then kill’em with kindness.

Keep on praying and loving.
 
Your husband should not be sharing these negative emails with you. You should not even be hearing of these negative things.
 
It looks like you’re trying the right approaches and getting good advice.

I’ll only add that it is nearly impossible to break the bond between mother and son. I say this as a son. And I can see the bond developing between my son and my wife.
 
WHY does your husband still talk to her??? Seriously, it’s time for him to man up and remember that he is a married man and where his loyalties lie.

My MIL is very much like your MIL. But she only got ONE chance to bad mouth me once we were married. ONE chance and DH told her firmly to stop immediately and if she EVER said another negative word about his wife again, he would completely cut her out of his life. She knew he meant it because he’s done it before with toxic family members.

She never opened her mouth again.

ONE time is all it should take.
 
Thank you all for your kind replies and advice. I truly appreciate it!

In the beginning of our relationship my husband actually believed a lot of what his mother was saying about me (it was all lies/misconceptions) and used to argue with me about it. It took him a year and a half of me making him realize how she was treating us and particularly me and how she was abusive and not normal at all! Thankfully, he has finally realized how she is these last couple of years. Unfortunately the relationship with her has not improved. I guess you could say it has gotten worse. My husband misses his home town and actually wants to move back in a few years. These are the reasons why I am so concerned about how he handles the situation with his mother now. Its possible we could be living down the street from her in a few years! She is obviously abusive and just very mean, and no matter what kind of communication we try to keep in touch with her, she just brings up stuff from the past and is nasty. By sending her friendly updates with sonogram photos and letting her know how we are, are we making her sin more as we always get a rude response that has nothing to do with what we said but her misunderstandings/lies of the past and then she gets mad we dont reply to her angry emails? This is why I’m confused as to how we should keep in touch because it seems as though nothing good is coming from it.

We tried to speak with my husband’s brother about this topic just because his brother listens to what his mom says and tries to help her. Unfortunately I think my brother-in-law doesn’t understand the extent to which his mother is treating us. We briefly tell him about the emails we receive from her and he says “that’s not abuse. you don’t konw what abuse is. she is reacting like that because she is hurt.” I understand there are different kinds of abuse, but this is definitely abuse too. And if you are hurt, it is understandable to be upset, but handling the situation like this for years you have to know you’re not going to get anywhere!

I realize my husband and his mom used to be close however she is making it impossible for us to have a relationship with her. I feel as though I should be involved with how we handle this situation because my husband and I are one flesh and considering how my husband handled it in the past (even if it was a few years ago) it is possible for him to “slip up” again and kind of be brainwashed by the situation. He has honestly been blind in many situations that are unhealthy with his mom thinking its all normal.

Please keep us in your prayers!
 
It would be a huge mistake for you to agree to move back to his hometown. Not only would it put stress on your marriage, but the games your MIL play will harm your children.
 
pray99 said:
Thank you all for your kind replies and advice. I truly appreciate it!

In the beginning of our relationship my husband actually believed a lot of what his mother was saying about me (it was all lies/misconceptions) and used to argue with me about it. It took him a year and a half of me making him realize how she was treating us and particularly me and how she was abusive and not normal at all! Thankfully, he has finally realized how she is these last couple of years. Unfortunately the relationship with her has not improved. I guess you could say it has gotten worse. My husband misses his home town and actually wants to move back in a few years. These are the reasons why I am so concerned about how he handles the situation with his mother now. Its possible we could be living down the street from her in a few years! She is obviously abusive and just very mean, and no matter what kind of communication we try to keep in touch with her, she just brings up stuff from the past and is nasty. By sending her friendly updates with sonogram photos and letting her know how we are, are we making her sin more as we always get a rude response that has nothing to do with what we said but her misunderstandings/lies of the past and then she gets mad we dont reply to her angry emails? This is why I’m confused as to how we should keep in touch because it seems as though nothing good is coming from it.

We tried to speak with my husband’s brother about this topic just because his brother listens to what his mom says and tries to help her. Unfortunately I think my brother-in-law doesn’t understand the extent to which his mother is treating us. We briefly tell him about the emails we receive from her and he says “that’s not abuse. you don’t konw what abuse is. she is reacting like that because she is hurt.” I understand there are different kinds of abuse, but this is definitely abuse too. And if you are hurt, it is understandable to be upset, but handling the situation like this for years you have to know you’re not going to get anywhere!

I realize my husband and his mom used to be close however she is making it impossible for us to have a relationship with her. I feel as though I should be involved with how we handle this situation because my husband and I are one flesh and considering how my husband handled it in the past (even if it was a few years ago) it is possible for him to “slip up” again and kind of be brainwashed by the situation. He has honestly been blind in many situations that are unhealthy with his mom thinking its all normal.

Please keep us in your prayers!
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Ask your husband if he would be willing to live in your home town and yet cut his mother out of your social life for treating his wife in an unacceptable manner, not to mention presuming to argue with him about what is “him” and what is “not him” and daring to insinuate that she has the right to judge which Catholics are going to heaven and which ones are going to hell. I can’t see that this is really what he’s going to want to do.

If the entire town and the local extended family saw her game long before her son ever caught on to it, well, you might have a great deal of local support for your cause. If everyone assumes as your BIL does that your MIL is “not that bad” and will pressure you to put up with behavior you have decided for yourself is not to be endured, then don’t move.

“Easily in but not easily out, as the lobster said in the lobster pot!”
Sallowpad the Raven, “The Horse and His Boy,” C.S. Lewis
 
You’re considering moving back to be closer to this woman? :eek:

My strong suggestion is that such a move would put great strain on your marriage, and expose your child to a toxic family environment.

If this issue starts to become a sticking point between you and your husband, some counselling might help. An independant third party may be the best person to help the two of you decide on an appropriate course of action. It sounds drastic (eg surely people only go to counselling when their marriages are already in trouble?) but I think it could be very healthy step in this case, before the rot sets in.
 
on_the_hill said:
It looks like you’re trying the right approaches and getting good advice.

I’ll only add that it is nearly impossible to break the bond between mother and son. I say this as a son. And I can see the bond developing between my son and my wife.
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No, it can be done. My husband also has a toxic mother who hurt me one time too often (not to mention the times he has been hurt by her as well). He will only communicate with her by letter so he has written proof of her feelings/thoughts/etc. If they get on the phone, she tells all kinds of untruths. Remember, a son leaves his father and mother and clings to his spouse, as they are now one.

My MIL still wanted to reign supreme in my husband’s life. We put a stop to that in a hurry.
 
My MIL is also very toxic. However, when I brought up these unfortunate situations, my husband felt it was easier to deal with me and ask me to blow her off rather than defend the fact that I was being hurt and the hurt needed to stop. It finally took my threatening to leave him and eventual marriage counseling that my husband realized he HAD to speak up on my behalf, even though it would mean an altercation with his mom.

She is not involved in either my son’s or our lives. We extended an olive branch and asked her to come to his First Holy Communion. She gave my husband 20 excuses as to why she could not come. All were lame. She had the nerve to call and accept our invite only after her other son chewed her out. However, we got no apologies, just a “I found a way to come” phone call. My husband said no. He was so insulted that she didn’t have the decency to apologize for all her excuses.

Well, Confirmation rolls around in May. She won’t even know the event happened. As a priest said to me, when Jesus tried to evangelize in a place not open to his message, he wiped the dust from his sandals and moved on. We have done the same. We literally feel that Satan uses her to destroy our family.
 
Hi CAF. Thank you again for your kind replies and messages of advice! I can’t thank you enough for your prayers as well. We don’t speak about this topic to family (to the extent we do on this forum or speak to priest) so it is nice to get different opinions about our difficult situation. We haven’t replied to my mother-in-law’s toxic emails because we feel as though no good will come from it. No matter how nice, kind, and loving we are in our emails and towards her, we still receive the abuse over and over again. We will continue to pray about this situation, and send her birthday, Christmas cards, etc.

My husband is actually from a large city so we wouldn’t have to live very close to her. It would be very difficult to live in a place where we don’t have support from family (all of my siblings and parents live close to us now). But we will continue to pray about the situation and what God’s will is for our future.

May God Bless all of you!
 
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