Mother in Law

[PhiloMed]

And there is NO WAY you can take the high road?
That’s really too bad.

Really. When a MIL acts like this it should warrant no more than a “ho hum, that’s your mum”.

 

[HelenRose]

I believe my MIL is a bit oblivious and aware of what she is saying. Often times it appears as though no one will ever take care of her son like she has and she will.

Having been a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law and a mother of two sons: here is some advice.

These are the lessons I learned as a daughter-in-law:

Your relationship with your mother-in-law has to be between you and her. You will lose if you place her son between you and her. Your husband may do and say what you want him to do and say but he will resent you for it.

It does not matter who is in the right. It does not matter how difficult she is. You will not change her. Men generally marry women who are like their mothers. If his mother is a complainer a man’s wife is often a complainer. If his mother is manipulative, a man’s wife often manipulates.

It is an unfortunate fact of life in this day and age of divorce and relationships - wives and girl friends come and go. Mothers are forever.

You can decide whether or not give your husband a break and learn to get along with his mother or you, your husband and his mother can have a long and difficult time of it.

Fifty years ago a chose to get along with my husband’s mother. I am like her. I am a manager, I am opinionated, I am honest. We learned to love one another. It was not easy for her. I was not easy for me.

 

[As_for_my_House]

It sounds like you do not like her off the cuff comments and challenges. She does sound a little challenging to me. You could be snarky right back… Now mother, you know this is our alone time!!! Now mother, John hasn’t used the name Johnny for over 15 years!!! Now mother, you know I just can’t stand anyone in my kitchen!!! Please make sure you clear this with hubby ahead of time so he knows the drill and can back you up. His answer should be “yes that’s right dear.”

I know my advice sounds like lines from one of those 1940’s black and white comedies where the mother in law is always trying to stick her nose where it doesn’t belong.

But if she can dish it out she has to learn to take it too.

 

[pianistclare]

But if she can dish it out she has to learn to take it too.

So much for Catholic love.
We’re always called to it, even when we feel wronged.

I’m out.

 

[E_7]

This might help you (I have omitted some numbers to shorten the post):

Here are the secret whispers of Jesus to his little bride Faustina on how to protect herself from the attacks of the devil. These instructions became Faustina’s weapon in fighting the good fight.

Jesus began, “My daughter, I want to teach you about spiritual warfare” (1760). (The Lord’s words are in bold text; my comments follow.)

1. Never trust in yourself but abandon yourself totally to My will.

Trust is a spiritual weapon. Trust is part of the shield of faith that St. Paul mentions in chapter six of Ephesians: the armor of God. Abandonment to God’s will is an act of trust; faith in action dispels evil spirits.

** 2. In desolation, darkness and various doubts, have recourse to Me and to your spiritual director. He will always answer you in my name.**

In times of spiritual warfare, immediately pray to Jesus. Invoke His Holy Name that is feared in the netherworld. Bring darkness into the light by telling a spiritual director or confessor and follow his instruction.

… …

** 9. Shun murmurs like a plague.**

The tongue is a powerful vessel that can do great harm. Murmuring, gossiping, is never of God. The devil is a liar who stirs up false accusations and gossip that can kill a person’s reputation. Shun murmurs!

** 10. Let all act as they like; you are to act, as I want you to.
**
To mind one’s own business is key in spiritual warfare. The devil is a busybody attempting to drag everyone down. Please God and let the opinions of others go by the wayside.

…

** 12. If someone causes you trouble, think what good you can do for the person who caused you to suffer.**

Being a vessel of divine mercy is a weapon for good and for defeating evil. The devil is about hatred, rage, revenge, and unforgiveness. Others have hurt us all at some time. What good can we do in return? Returning a blessing breaks curses.

** 13. Do not pour out your feelings.**

A talkative soul will more easily be attacked by the devil. Pour out your feelings to the Lord only. Remember, the good and evil spirits hear what you say aloud. Feelings are fleeting. Truth is the compass. Interior recollection is a spiritual armor.

14. Be silent when you are rebuked.

Most of us have been rebuked at some time. We have no control over that but we can control our response. The need to be right all the time can lead into demonic traps. God knows the truth. Let it go. Silence is a protection. The devil can use self-righteousness to trip us up also.

** 15. Do not ask everyone’s opinion, but only the opinion of your confessor; be as frank and simple as a child with him.**

Simplicity of life can drive out demons. Honesty is a weapon to defeat Satan, the Liar. When we lie we put a foot in his camp and he will try to seduce us all the more.

** 16. Do not become discouraged by ingratitude.
**
No one likes to be taken for granted. But when we are met with ingratitude or insensitivity, the spirit of discouragement can weigh us down. Resist all discouragement for it is never of God. It is one of the devil’s most effective temptations. Gratitude in all things wins the day.

**17. Do not examine with curiosity the roads down which I lead you.

**
The need to know, and curiosity about the future is a temptation that has led too many people into the backrooms of psychics, witches, etc. Choose to walk in faith. Decide to trust in God who leads you on the path to heaven. Resist the spirit of curiosity always.

…

**19. Do not fear struggle; courage itself often intimidates temptations, and they dare not attack us.
**
Fear is the second most common tactic of the devil (pride is the first). Courage intimidates the devil—he will flee in the face of persevering courage that stands on Jesus, the rock. All people struggle, God is our provision.

**20. Always fight with the deep conviction that I am with you.
**
Jesus instructs a Sister in a convent to “fight” with conviction. She can do so because Christ accompanies her. Christians are called to fight with conviction against all demonic tactics. The devil tries to terrorize souls, demonic terrorism—resist! Invoke the Holy Sprit throughout the day.

** 21. Do not be guided by feeling, because it is not always under your control; but all merit lies in the will.
**
All merit lies in the will because love is an act of the will. We are completely free in Christ. We must make a choice, a decision for good or evil. What camp do we live in?

…

** 23. I will not delude you with prospects of peace and consolations; on the contrary, prepare for great battles.**

St. Faustina suffered physically and spiritually. She was prepared for great battles by the grace of God who upheld her. Christ clearly instructs us in scripture to be prepared for great battles, to put on God’s armor and resist the devil. Be vigilant and discerning always.

…

25. Fight like a knight, so I can reward you. Do not be unduly fearful, because you are not alone.

The Lord’s words to St. Faustina can become our mantra: Fight like a knight! A knight for Christ knows well the cause that he fights for, the nobility of his mission, the King who he serves, and with blessed assuredness of the victory, he fights to the end, even at the cost of his life. If a young, uneducated, simple Polish nun, united to Christ, can fight like a knight, every Christian can do the same. Trust is victorious.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Having been a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law and a mother of two sons: here is some advice.

These are the lessons I learned as a daughter-in-law:

Your relationship with your mother-in-law has to be between you and her. You will lose if you place her son between you and her. Your husband may do and say what you want him to do and say but he will resent you for it.

It does not matter who is in the right. It does not matter how difficult she is. You will not change her. Men generally marry women who are like their mothers. If his mother is a complainer a man’s wife is often a complainer. If his mother is manipulative, a man’s wife often manipulates.

It is an unfortunate fact of life in this day and age of divorce and relationships - wives and girl friends come and go. Mothers are forever.

You can decide whether or not give your husband a break and learn to get along with his mother or you, your husband and his mother can have a long and difficult time of it.

Fifty years ago a chose to get along with my husband’s mother. I am like her. I am a manager, I am opinionated, I am honest. We learned to love one another. It was not easy for her. I was not easy for me.

I really disagree with this advice. Acting as though your parents are forever but your spouse may not be has the potential to be a self fulfilling prophecy.

I actually had much better luck with my MIL when I said “That’s it, you deal with her”. She was very good at baiting me into power struggles over things that really had nothing at all to do with her. Tension grew. Finally, I said I was done and told hubby that unless he put his foot down, we were just going to have to live with this. It worked beautifully. She saw herself as being in competition with me over what was best for my husband’s life. When he started saying things like “Mom, BEL and I have talked about it and we have decided…” The wind was taken right out of her sails. Even now she’ll try once in awhile and I just smile and say “You’ll need to talk to hubby about that” or “That’s definitely something we’ll talk about later and get back to you on”. My husband prefers it too because instead of being between two women, he’s able to keep it from getting to that point in the first place. He’s really established himself as the person who stops the buck. She respects him a lot more and her and I are now free to just be great friends.

 

[ymartinez1015]

I really disagree with this advice. Acting as though your parents are forever but your spouse may not be has the potential to be a self fulfilling prophecy.

I actually had much better luck with my MIL when I said “That’s it, you deal with her”. She was very good at baiting me into power struggles over things that really had nothing at all to do with her. Tension grew. Finally, I said I was done and told hubby that unless he put his foot down, we were just going to have to live with this. It worked beautifully. She saw herself as being in competition with me over what was best for my husband’s life. When he started saying things like “Mom, BEL and I have talked about it and we have decided…” The wind was taken right out of her sails. Even now she’ll try once in awhile and I just smile and say “You’ll need to talk to hubby about that” or “That’s definitely something we’ll talk about later and get back to you on”. My husband prefers it too because instead of being between two women, he’s able to keep it from getting to that point in the first place. He’s really established himself as the person who stops the buck. She respects him a lot more and her and I are now free to just be great friends.

This is awesome feedback and advice! I will definitely go this route. Like you, as far as saying mothers are forever, spouses and girlfriends come and go; what happened to what a sacramental marriage?

 

[ymartinez1015]

I really disagree with this advice. Acting as though your parents are forever but your spouse may not be has the potential to be a self fulfilling prophecy.

I actually had much better luck with my MIL when I said “That’s it, you deal with her”. She was very good at baiting me into power struggles over things that really had nothing at all to do with her. Tension grew. Finally, I said I was done and told hubby that unless he put his foot down, we were just going to have to live with this. It worked beautifully. She saw herself as being in competition with me over what was best for my husband’s life. When he started saying things like “Mom, BEL and I have talked about it and we have decided…” The wind was taken right out of her sails. Even now she’ll try once in awhile and I just smile and say “You’ll need to talk to hubby about that” or “That’s definitely something we’ll talk about later and get back to you on”. My husband prefers it too because instead of being between two women, he’s able to keep it from getting to that point in the first place. He’s really established himself as the person who stops the buck. She respects him a lot more and her and I are now free to just be great friends.

I brought this to my husband’s attention. His response was this “we should honor thy mother and father however it does not mean we should allow them to run our lives. If their advice seems good and if it works for us, we could try it.”

 

[As_for_my_House]

So much for Catholic love.
We’re always called to it, even when we feel wronged.

I’m out.

As I reread it my advice sounded harsh when I meant it to sound humorous. Snarky was a poor choice of a word.

I really meant that she should feel free to answer an odd comment or challenge with a little humor instead of feeling that she had been zinged with no way to handle it. Who knows the MIL might be the kind of person who respects a DIL with a little sass.

It was her cooking challenge story that persuaded me that MIL likes a little challenge and that this might be the way MIL likes to relate to other women.

It seems to be a clash of personalities. Sassy vs timid maybe.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I am actually on the OPs side. I hate people in my kitchen and if I was married and my MIL posted on FB that she was going to come into my kitchen, I would see no humour in it.

If the problem is the son feels guilty, then the OP needs to let her husband work that out for himself. But if the problem is the MIL annoys the OP, the husband needs to man up and stand up for her

 

[Anglewannabe]

. Even when the woman tells you that she loves you and she is glad you married her son you get mad at her, this is pretty bad.

I am going to go out on a limb here and assume that the OP is like me. To some people being told ‘I am glad you married my son’ can feel like a judgment. Like we are a possession to be owned or a hood ornament. There is no room to be human. All we can hear is ‘since up to now you have been perfect, you are accepted, but one little human mistake and we will turn on you’. It feels like we are under the microscope always having out every move scrutinized and rated.

Depending on MIL’s tone, it can easily seem like we should be grateful we met her approval. No 50/50 where we can become friends as friends. It is always about the son/husband and a fight to be his #1.

And if this is a situation where the OP can not set a simple boundary like ‘Please don’t go in my kitchen’, without a big fight following, anything the MIL says will just add salt to the wounds

 

[CatholicSheila]

^The more I read the thread the less convinced I become MIL is actually the majority of the problem here. It sounds to me that she is a typical MIL (at worst) but the OP is not willing to make any concessions or acknowledge that she plays a part in the relationship and how well it works. Relationships, of any sort, require people to meet in the middle. That is true whether the relationship is a matter of choice or circumstance.

I wonder if MIL made the comment about been happy the OP married her son because she is trying to reach out and have a positive relationship with the OP. She no doubt knows the OP is upset about her continuing friendship with the ex’s mother and this could very well be her way of saying “I’m not upset he is married to you instead”. Given how sensitive the OP about MIL the OP may very well have missed many more subtle attempts to let her know she is accepted and MIL decided to try and be blunt instead. Whoops, that didn’t work.

I’m still curious if the OP treats her mother as a guest to be waited on hand and foot when she visits. If she is and she’s happy with it then it may simply be that the two families have very different family dynamics and understandings about how family is treated. MIL in that case isn’t difficult but simply has a different view than what the OP grew up with. In that case both MIL and the OP need to find a way to work together - to expect MIL to simply change the way she views family is unreasonable. It just isn’t going to happen.

 

[Book_Worm]

I am going to go out on a limb here and assume that the OP is like me. To some people being told ‘I am glad you married my son’ can feel like a judgment. Like we are a possession to be owned or a hood ornament. There is no room to be human. All we can hear is ‘since up to now you have been perfect, you are accepted, but one little human mistake and we will turn on you’. It feels like we are under the microscope always having out every move scrutinized and rated.

Depending on MIL’s tone, it can easily seem like we should be grateful we met her approval. No 50/50 where we can become friends as friends. It is always about the son/husband and a fight to be his #1.

This really took the wind out of my sails. If I told my DSIL that I was glad my DD married him, I would mean several different things: that because she married him, he is now a treasured part of my family, that it has given us the chance to get to know him so very well, that I liked him so much better than any other man DD dated, that together he and DD created the unique and wonderful beings that are my DGSs. Believe me, I know that he is human and that he makes mistakes. We all are and do, but saying that doesn’t mean that there’s no room for his human imperfections. I really have trouble finding that in her statement.

I think I would have been over the moon with happiness if my DMIL had ever said anything like that to me. We got along fine, but she wasn’t given to open shows of affection or effusive statements.