Mother is ruining my dating life

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EmBlue

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I am 31 years old and I have been dating long distance for about 10 months to a wonderful man named David. David is not Catholic and when I told my devotedly Catholic mother about him, she became so upset. First, she warned me about how it was wrong to date someone of a different faith and next, she warned me that I am not allowed to ever visit him because that could lead to me sleeping over and making sinful decisions. She has only met him once but she never has anything good to say about him and she always says his name with such spite. I have come to the point where I don’t discuss him around her and I lie about not visiting him when in fact I visit where he lives because it is not fair for him to do all the driving. She is constantly questioning me if I am having sex to the point that it is making me not want to visit her and it is giving me anxiety to be around her. I feel so horrible and guilty about having to lie and remain silent about my relationship but I’d rather avoid any conflict with her. She seems so angry with me being around him and because I never mention him, my mother is under the impression that we only see each other a couple of times a month.

A couple of weeks ago she asked me if we were getting married. I didn’t know how to answer her because I could see her becoming angry. She then proceeded to tell me how in the past she ended relationships because they weren’t Catholic, hinted that I should too. Also she wants me to start taking him to classes at church to convert him and then she asked me if it made me sad to know that he wasn’t going to Heaven. It made me so upset that I cried.

My boyfriend is always saying that he feels like I am hiding him from my parents and I am ashamed of him. I never tell my boyfriend about the hateful things she says because I don’t want him to feel stress or fear about my mother. He doesn’t have parents of his own and says he would like to view mine as his own but I don’t believe that will ever happen. My sister-in-law is also not Catholic and my mother is so rude and mean towards her even though she bends over backwards to make her happy.

I am always jealous of those families that have an open, honest relationship between parents and children but I do not know what to say or do to make everyone happy. I want to share all my happiness with my mom but I don’t want to give her any pain by disappointing her either.
 
Your mother has a mental problem. She’s not going to change.

You are 31. Time to lay down the law. Mom will cease with her comments, stop asking personal questions that are none of her business, stop treating you like a child, and will treat your boyfriend with love and respect OR Mom will not be seeing you anymore until she can behave herself.

This isn’t up for discussion. This is how it is or she is OUT.

As for your boyfriend, you need to tell him the truth— Your mom has a screw loose, she’s not going to be the loving mother-in-law he wants, you need to pray for her but you are not going to subject him to her vitriol.
 
Parents have an obligation to provide their children with two things; roots and wings. It is obviously from your post that your mother has failed in this. As 1ke said, she is not going to change. You are 31; you should not have to take the abuse you are receiving.

Your love and honor for your mother is admirable, you seem to have gone the extra mile in observing the Commandment to honor your father and mother. But that is a two way street; your mother has an obligation to honor the fact that you are an adult, able and free to make your own choices. I suggest that you inform your mother of this in no uncertain terms, telling her you love her but it is your life to lead. She is welcome as a respectful part of your family, but not as she is now. If you don’t change this dynamic, everything that is coming is your own fault.

A prayer said for the successful resolution of your situation. Peace.
 
First thing I’d recommend for you: stop lying. Your boyfriend is right, it is hurtful to him to hide him from your parents. You’re 31. It’s time to stand up for yourself despite what your mother may say. If you don’t learn to do this now, it’ll cause bigger problems down the line when you do get married.

Inter-faith marriages aren’t sinful, you should tell your mother that. It seems she has some good intentions because inter-faith marriages are inherently more difficult, but she’s going about this wrong. Calmly tell her the truth about everything and in time, she’ll likely respect you more because of your convictions. I assume you’re remaining chaste and faithful to the Church in other aspects of your life, so just reiterate that to your mother.

Good luck.
 
Interfaith marriage is not a sin. But for some it may be difficult especially if you take your faith seriously. That said, I cannot tell you whether you should marry him or not. Just throwing this out there. Peace.
 
Just going to nth what everyone else has said. You’re 31, not a teenager, and your mom has no say in your life decisions. You have two options here: either tell your mom you’re going to do things your way, or put up with her nonsense until she dies.
 
Sometimes the best way to honour a parent is to keep him or her in your prayers and not see them. My FIL tried to destroy our marriage. Hubby has him on extremely low contact. So does my 13-year-old stepdaughter. If we have more children he will not be notified nor will he be allowed to meet them. This is because of his toxic behaviour. (What does it say to my children if I allow them to be around someone who is disrespectful to their mother and speaks badly of her?) If he apologized and tried to make amends I would be open to a relationship but he has been this way as long as Hubby can remember and I think it’s rather unlikely to change.
 
As a parent, if you ask me “what is the one thing you want for your child” my answer without any reservations is “that my child go to heaven”.

I know that culture says I am supposed to answer “that my child is happy”, but, I know that happiness in this world is temporary, that happy is a fleeting emotion. I know that in leading a life of Christian virtue comes joy.

Desire to see your children and grandchildren go to heaven is not license to be mean or rude. Maybe if you acknowledge “mom, I know that your desire is for me to go to heaven. That is also my desire and my goal in this life. I promise you that the faith foundation you gave me will help me through eternity. I value my faith.” It might calm her down a little bit.

Hiding, sneaking around, lying to her, only is going to make the whole thing worse. You are a grown woman. If you want to go visit your boyfriend, unless you are asking mom to pay for the plane tickets, it is nothing to hide.

Your boyfriend is a grown man. I’d wager that your mom is not the most imposing character he has ever met. If he is a man of virtue, he will be kind and gentlemanly to her in spite of her quirks.

You can search the eleventy million threads here about mixed marriages and read the statistics, the disparity of faith is really a separate thread.
 
Agree with this SO much. Maybe I am a tad bit pessimistic but I don’t see her mom getting better - I see her having a major extinction burst. OP needs to decide what is more important - the man she has a relationship with or Mom’s feelings. Mom seems the type that will never be happy, and is toxic/abusive.
Just my opinion, of course.
 
Idk. I would not tell your mom much if she reacts like this.

Just let her know you’re praying about it and thank her for the feedback if she continues on what was,already disclosed.

Let your boyfriend know the truth too.
 
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First of all, your mama just ain’t right. The relationship you are describing isn’t a difference of theology, but a severe lack of respect for boundaries. You need to start setting some healthy boundaries in your relationship with your mom.

Second of all, while it is not sinful to date a non-Catholic, it does make things difficult and you probably should seek some guidance from a priest regarding your relationship with your boyfriend. My concern is that you might be telling him what he wants to hear (kind of like you’ve been doing with your mom.) If you are “getting serious” with him, he needs to know what’s what with your faith. It’s only fair that he is made aware of what he has already halfway gotten into. The added bonus is that if you do seek spiritual guidance from a priest, you can tell you nosey mother that and hopefully that will help her to back off.

Lastly, while you’re being forthright with your boyfriend about matters of faith, you should probably let him know that your mom has a screw loose and while you intend to work on your relationship with her, he probably shouldn’t expect her to become his new mommy anytime soon. Frankly, even if you did have a healthy relationship with your mom, it would be a little unrealistic for him to expect her to extend that to him when he hasn’t even put a ring on your finger yet.
 
I have learned from personal experience that you can’t make someone (especially family) not try to control your life. But, you can make sure that they don’t actually control your life. Your mother may not like your choices, but they are yours. Until you are firm in this, she will never respect that you are a grown woman whose decisions are not open for unwanted (name removed by moderator)ut. In this case, tell her the truth or tell her what she’s asking is none of her concern (maybe put it more nicely). If she continues to be negative towards your relationship and to try and make you do what she wants (or, what she would do in your situation), some extended time away may be helpful; I have found that my own mother, who also likes to be controlling and manipulative, tends to cool down after realizing that what she wants is not going to happen and, if she wants to continue to have a mother/daughter relationship with me, she has to back off and keep her opinions to herself.

That said, everyone is different; results may vary.

I agree with previous posters that you need to tell your boyfriend about the situation. It sounds like you have been together for some time. Because of this, he has a right to know what family situation he is considering entering into.

Again, that’s just my opinion on the matter.
 
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