Mother/sisters in law problems. Please give me some advice

[pianistclare]

Thank you all for your advice and words! I truly appreciate all of you taking the time to talk to me. It’s been eating at me and just reading everyone’s responses is a relief and advice that will be taken by me. I wish I would’ve just vented here to all of you instead of my other MIL

I will try what you all are saying by getting my husband to communicate with them that they can’t stay at our house next time and keep it simple. I got him to do it once before because I was really not comfortable with them staying with us at that time, but they made my husband feel terrible about it. There were tears on my MIL’s behalf, which made him feel very guilty.
I didn’t want to put him in this predicament again and I thought we were getting along just fine, which is why I didn’t say no this time.
It’s a tad different for us since we are Hispanic and it is just something that is expected: to go out of town and stay with your son or daughter, without it even being a question. But this will have to change now, at least for my sanity.
And there really is no difference I guess, since it’s obvious they don’t like me enough to spend time with, help me out a bit or even bring a small gift for my child. I hadn’t thought about that. I am just the type of person that can’t stand people being at me or have anything bad to say about me, which I wish I weren’t!

Crocodile tears.
If they loved him, they’d respect his choice of wife.
unless you’re completely unreasonable, I can’t see that you have done anything to merit such awful treatment.
There’s 2 sides to every story, but srsly…
Forget about it, and pray that the hubs has the fortitude to stand up for you even when they “cry”.
Say a prayer to St. Ann.

 

[Xantippe]

Crocodile tears.
If they loved him, they’d respect his choice of wife.
unless you’re completely unreasonable, I can’t see that you have done anything to merit such awful treatment.
There’s 2 sides to every story, but srsly…
Forget about it, and pray that the hubs has the fortitude to stand up for you even when they “cry”.
Say a prayer to St. Ann.

Yeah, even if the OP were Cruella da Ville, there were half a dozen things that the OP’s visitors should have done and didn’t, no matter how terrible the OP is.

Some people are just very unclear on the concept of “grandparent.”

 

[Compostella]

There have been lots of crocodile tears. We’ve had our share of disagreements and some were due to miscommunication, but I am not the only person who thinks she’s problematic. Well more like arrogant or pompous. There are always unnecessary comments, which I now try to ignore. After our last confrontation I decided to just be the bigger person and I told both MIL and SIL that I was sorry if I had ever hurt them. I didn’t like having anger and didn’t want to keep making my husband feel so bad.
I will look up a prayer to St. Ann. Thanks!

Also, this is probably a silly question, but what is OP?

 

[thequeen]

There have been lots of crocodile tears. We’ve had our share of disagreements and some were due to miscommunication, but I am not the only person who thinks she’s problematic. Well more like arrogant or pompous. There are always unnecessary comments, which I now try to ignore. After our last confrontation I decided to just be the bigger person and I told both MIL and SIL that I was sorry if I had ever hurt them. I didn’t like having anger and didn’t want to keep making my husband feel so bad.
I will look up a prayer to St. Ann. Thanks!

Also, this is probably a silly question, but what is OP?

OP means original poster.

 

[tweedlealice]

I do totally understand what you mean. I just didn’t want to straight up ask for help because they never said they would. My husband just assumed that his mom would want to spend time with our son since she hadn’t seen him in so long. Her not trying to spend much time with him does bother me a little, but it’s not like I completely expect her to.
Their rules for baby showers are the same as ours, since when they do go to them, they take a gift, even if it’s small. Also, the purpose for their visit was to come to my baby shower so they knew what it was like I said, I don’t expect for everyone to buy me stuff, it was just hurtful to give me nothing for my baby, but did bring something for their cousin’s baby. My husbands mom just told him she didn’t have the money to buy anything, but didn’t say anything to me. It was just weird that they had money to do lots of other things including going shopping while they were here.
I will try to explain to my husband that I don’t really want to host them at our house anymore, but it’ll just start more drama with them, which is what I try to avoid

Thanks for replying to me!!

How many times must I forgive them Lord? Seventy times seven.
Before you look for a piece of wood in another person’s eye, look for a log in your own.
You have a dysfunctional family w the in-laws. Sometimes words fail me. Tell your husband. You are 8 months pregnant. You don’t want this stress. Be Happy, Happy, Happy. She can obviously stay w the cousin who got the present. You can message the people on fb if its private and be kind. Blame it on expectations and misunderstandings. Show your husband what you will write. IF they want to visit later, IT IS INCONVENIENT AT THIS TIME. Put pics of new baby of fb. Unless you think someone will help you by cleaning and cooking for 3 weeks. Your Mom would. Be at peace
in Christ’s love
tweedlealice…

 

[Isca]

Personally, I think for people to descend for several days on a toddler’s mum who is also heavily pregnant is very thoughtless, unless they chip in and help out. You are the one who needs some R&R time, not them!

I’m sorry that you felt snubbed and hurt. Congratulations on your pregnancy and don’t let this upset you too much - you have more important things to look forward to!

 

[mommy_k]

Thank you all for your advice and words! I truly appreciate all of you taking the time to talk to me. It’s been eating at me and just reading everyone’s responses is a relief and advice that will be taken by me. I wish I would’ve just vented here to all of you instead of my other MIL

I will try what you all are saying by getting my husband to communicate with them that they can’t stay at our house next time and keep it simple. I got him to do it once before because I was really not comfortable with them staying with us at that time, but they made my husband feel terrible about it. There were tears on my MIL’s behalf, which made him feel very guilty.
I didn’t want to put him in this predicament again and I thought we were getting along just fine, which is why I didn’t say no this time.
It’s a tad different for us since we are Hispanic and it is just something that is expected: to go out of town and stay with your son or daughter, without it even being a question. But this will have to change now, at least for my sanity.
And there really is no difference I guess, since it’s obvious they don’t like me enough to spend time with, help me out a bit or even bring a small gift for my child. I hadn’t thought about that. I am just the type of person that can’t stand people being at me or have anything bad to say about me, which I wish I weren’t!

Ok—…there’s your answer. They have not forgiven you for not letting them stay last tiime.
They tried to get you mad so they feel vindicated.
In other words-they like to get even.

 

[Compostella]

How many times must I forgive them Lord? Seventy times seven.
Before you look for a piece of wood in another person’s eye, look for a log in your own.
You have a dysfunctional family w the in-laws. Sometimes words fail me. Tell your husband. You are 8 months pregnant. You don’t want this stress. Be Happy, Happy, Happy. She can obviously stay w the cousin who got the present. You can message the people on fb if its private and be kind. Blame it on expectations and misunderstandings. Show your husband what you will write. IF they want to visit later, IT IS INCONVENIENT AT THIS TIME. Put pics of new baby of fb. Unless you think someone will help you by cleaning and cooking for 3 weeks. Your Mom would. Be at peace
in Christ’s love
tweedlealice…

I know that I must forgive them. I’ve done it many times and will continue to. That’s actually what I want; to not look at piece of wood in their eyes. I do want to keep my distance, though. I don’t think it’s wise to have them over again. They mentioned when they were leaving that they’d be back when the baby is born, which is already worrying me.
I will tell my husband to communicate it with them that it’s not convenient. I hope they can understand. That cousin won’t let them stay. She is very, very straight forward so they know not to even ask.
Thanks for your advice

 

[Compostella]

Personally, I think for people to descend for several days on a toddler’s mum who is also heavily pregnant is very thoughtless, unless they chip in and help out. You are the one who needs some R&R time, not them!

I’m sorry that you felt snubbed and hurt. Congratulations on your pregnancy and don’t let this upset you too much - you have more important things to look forward to!

That’s what I thought too, but then considered that I maybe was just being unreasonable.
My problem is not knowing how to stop over thinking and preoccupying myself with what they think of me and the fact that they don’t like me, especially since I think they know that I mentioned that they didn’t buy anything for my baby. I’m the one that feels bad now.
Thanks for your words I do have so much more to be happy about and look forward to.

 

[Compostella]

Ok—…there’s your answer. They have not forgiven you for not letting them stay last tiime.
They tried to get you mad so they feel vindicated.
In other words-they like to get even.

Hadn’t really considered this, but you’re probably right. Yikes.
Please say a prayer for me!

 

[EasterJoy]

How many times must I forgive them Lord? Seventy times seven.
Before you look for a piece of wood in another person’s eye, look for a log in your own.
You have a dysfunctional family w the in-laws. Sometimes words fail me. Tell your husband. You are 8 months pregnant. You don’t want this stress. Be Happy, Happy, Happy. She can obviously stay w the cousin who got the present. You can message the people on fb if its private and be kind. Blame it on expectations and misunderstandings. Show your husband what you will write. IF they want to visit later, IT IS INCONVENIENT AT THIS TIME. Put pics of new baby of fb. Unless you think someone will help you by cleaning and cooking for 3 weeks. Your Mom would. Be at peace
in Christ’s love
tweedlealice…

Note that the passage says to forgive 70 x 7 times, not to trust 70 x 7 times. You do not have to be slow to catch on that other people have different operating rules than you do. Don’t judge them for it, but don’t hesitate to catch on when someone else is playing from a different rule book than you do.

Yes, blame this on expectations. It is as likely to be the case as anything, and why not take the charitable assumption? The old rule was that there was no baby shower for any but the first baby, the theory being that baby stuff would be handed down and the burden of buying a few gender-specific clothes if a boy followed a girl (or vice versa) was something the parents could handle. Maybe that was the issue, who knows.

 

[EasterJoy]

Hadn’t really considered this, but you’re probably right. Yikes.
Please say a prayer for me!

You do not know that, though. The less you assume you know, the better off you will be.

 

[EasterJoy]

I will try what you all are saying by getting my husband to communicate with them that they can’t stay at our house next time and keep it simple. I got him to do it once before because I was really not comfortable with them staying with us at that time, but they made my husband feel terrible about it. There were tears on my MIL’s behalf, which made him feel very guilty.
I didn’t want to put him in this predicament again and I thought we were getting along just fine, which is why I didn’t say no this time.
It’s a tad different for us since we are Hispanic and it is just something that is expected: to go out of town and stay with your son or daughter, without it even being a question. But this will have to change now, at least for my sanity.
And there really is no difference I guess, since it’s obvious they don’t like me enough to spend time with, help me out a bit or even bring a small gift for my child. I hadn’t thought about that. I am just the type of person that can’t stand people being at me or have anything bad to say about me, which I wish I weren’t!

How about you and your husband take each of these visits one at a time?

If having one’s mother-in-law stay the weekend could literally drive someone insane, you’d be reading about a lot more all-female murder-suicides in the newspapers. You can host your in-laws and live. You will not snap. You will survive. It is a matter of whether you choose to do so.

In your situation, I would tell a friend to forget what reaction her MIL makes. I would tell my friend to do what helps her to look in the mirror with serenity. Sometimes, the headaches that give us stories to tell at our MIL’s funeral do us some good. Sometimes, the good of all requires us to stand our ground for a bit of family drama in exchange for protection of the innocent. Do your best to be faithful to patience, kindness, and truth, do not give more than you have to give, rely on grace whatever you do, and you can count on whatever path you try as being time off of Purgatory. Who knows, maybe for both of you! You would laugh about that one for eternity, wouldn’t you?

(You do realize that if all goes as you each plan, you’ll be spending eternity together, right? In total happiness and love? Sometimes, I think Purgatory is the process of learning how to make that work…)

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Lots of good advice already. I am stuck a little on the first part of your predicament, so I will address that.

While it is ideal that Grandma would WANT to spend the day with her grandchild, and would happily offer to watch him for you, I don’t think such things are a given. It could be that Grandma is anxious about watching a toddler who doesn’t know her well. Is she physically sturdy, and authoritative? A lot of adults would have a hard time dealing with an unruly child, especially when they don’t have an established position of authority with them. Add the fact that he is heavy, and it might just seem like a lot for an older person to handle. Or maybe she is dense and doesn’t take hints well. Or isn’t a “kid person” even with her own grandkids. Some people just aren’t clever about the value of spending time with their grandkids/young relatives. And of course, there is the possibility that she was just being selfish.

Whatever the reason, it sounds like much of the frustration was due to the fact that poor communication resulted in your plans being spoiled. If you had known she wasn’t going to take him, you would’ve brought him to MDO, gone on your errands, and have been much happier leading into the weekend. Backtracking, I wouldn’t even say you needed to have your husband ask his mom to watch the toddler, because this didn’t have to be a taboo subject. I would have just had a conversation with her on Thursday night before going to bed. “Mom-in-law, I have a lot of errands to run tomorrow, and I was planning on bringing Toddler to daycare so I can get them done. Did you have something planned for tomorrow? Would you like to come on my errands with me? Or would you like to spend the day with Toddler? I don’t have to bring him to the daycare.” And then she could have said yes or no. Dh could have had the same conversation with her as well.

 

[Xantippe]

Whatever the reason, it sounds like much of the frustration was due to the fact that poor communication resulted in your plans being spoiled. If you had known she wasn’t going to take him, you would’ve brought him to MDO, gone on your errands, and have been much happier leading into the weekend. Backtracking, I wouldn’t even say you needed to have your husband ask his mom to watch the toddler, because this didn’t have to be a taboo subject. I would have just had a conversation with her on Thursday night before going to bed. “Mom-in-law, I have a lot of errands to run tomorrow, and I was planning on bringing Toddler to daycare so I can get them done. Did you have something planned for tomorrow? Would you like to come on my errands with me? Or would you like to spend the day with Toddler? I don’t have to bring him to the daycare.” And then she could have said yes or no. Dh could have had the same conversation with her as well.

Right.

Also, a lot of toddlers are TERRIFIED of strange adults, even if the strange adult is grandma that they only see once or twice a year. Being left alone with grandma could be very hard on the toddler, who might be quite happy at parents’ day out.

 

[tweedlealice]

I know that I must forgive them. I’ve done it many times and will continue to. That’s actually what I want; to not look at piece of wood in their eyes. I do want to keep my distance, though. I don’t think it’s wise to have them over again. They mentioned when they were leaving that they’d be back when the baby is born, which is already worrying me.
I will tell my husband to communicate it with them that it’s not convenient. I hope they can understand. That cousin won’t let them stay. She is very, very straight forward so they know not to even ask.
Thanks for your advice

Hi,
Have your husband read these posts. Read Ephesians around 5 or 6. It says where the husband is to love the wife as Christ loves the church even to lay his life down for her,etc. Genesis where the angel throws Notice a man wants respect. " You look good honey." Thank you for taking the trash out." That carpentry you did was great, etc." Obviously the desire spot speaks for itself. But Ephesians He is responsible for your happiness. I can’t recall where it says you leave your parents and become one flesh. Underlining LEAVE YOUR PARENTS. Now, who is going to help you w the baby. YOu take care of baby and helper cooks and cleans and you rest and breast feed. If they want to come, your husband tells them on the phone he needs them to take care of his house while he takes care of you and your child. If they can’t or aren’t doing it when they get there==off they go. Because the doctor will say you need the rest to recover not to take care of guests. NO ONE SICK IS TO VISIT.Get the scripture verses ready.
in Christ’s’ love,
Alice

 

[GreyWings]

Hello all. Okay so there has been tension between my mother and sisters in law off and on since I got married. I thought we were okay and that we were getting along just fine until they came to visit and stayed at our house for four days. The reason for their visit was to come to my baby shower. I have a son, whom they haven’t seen since last August. Well they were going to get here on Thursday night and my husband was working nights. I told him that I needed to take our son to daycare ( Mother’s Day out) on Friday because I had many, many things to get done and our toddler is very active and unruly at times. It’s hard for me to handle him alone at eight months pregnant because he is very heavy and I just can’t keep up at stores alone with him. Well he made me feel bad and asked me to please let his mom watch him while I ran errands since she hadn’t seen him in so long and would want to spend time with him. I agreed and he didn’t go. Come Friday morning I kept mentioning to them all of the things I had to get done and how I was afraid how I’d be able to do it all alone with my son, hinting to see if she’d offer to watch him or help. Well she didn’t. My husband, who usually sleeps till about 1:30-2pm since he has to go back in to work at 5, woke up at 10:30am with the noise and noticed she hadn’t offered so he said in from of her, “just leave him with me, I know you have a lot to do.” She turns and says “no, you have to sleep baby, she can’t leave him here.” I took my son and left, struggling to get anything done. She left to get her hair done and didn’t get back to our house till 10:30pm. Next day, same thing. She went out to eat with her daughters and nephews to a nice restaurant and visit her brother and didn’t even come back to our house to sleep. She slept over there, again not even trying to spend time with my son. The good thing is that my father in law (they are divorced) and his wife offered to watch him that day so I could get things done. Sunday, the day of my shower, she did not offer to help me with anything, got there, stayed for a little and left early. Neither she nor my sisters in law bought one single thing for my baby. I don’t expect big gifts from people, just something to show that they cared. Then I found out that my sister in law did bring a gift for her cousin who is also pregnant. I couldn’t help but get offended and think that it was intentional to not get me anything for my baby. I was more so shocked.

My father in law’s wife text me late that night asking how it all went and I kind of vented and told her that I was shocked that they didn’t give me anything for the baby or even mentioned it. She was driving back to the city thy live in and my younger sister in law was with them. I think she saw the messages and now the three of them are purposely ignoring anything I post on social media even if it has to do with my son, but commenting on everyone else’s stuff, which leads me to believe that they again don’t like me. I know, it sounds silly and that I really didn’t do anything wrong, except express how I felt, but it’s literally taking over me. I feel guilty now for even saying anything and the fact that I know they are mad at me is eating at me. This always happens. I hate when people are mad at me and can’t let it go.
How can I let this go? Should this be taking up so much of my feelings?

First, your husband sounds like a great husband. He’s the only one who has your back in this.

I’m pretty surprised by your MIL and SIL behavior. Have you asked them for help, point blank? Dropping hints should be effective but unfortunately not in this case. Still, it’s pretty unfair how they’re treating you. My advice is to ignore them, shake it off, don’t look at Facebook, and then make a plan of action. Do you have friends in your parish that can help, who are mothers you could join, or even hire a teen from your parish who can babysit for a little money? I used to watch three kids when I was a teen and the little bit of money was GOLD to me.

You sound like you have a lot on your plate and really need some “me” time. I suggest making a list and writing out a plan: i.e., friends that can help, getting in touch with people in your parish, looking for a babysitter, and if possible enlist help from your side of the family.

When the time is right, talk with your husband gently about your feelings. Don’t accuse, just tell him how you feel. Make “I” statements so he doesn’t feel defensive. He will likely want to defend his mother and sister despite their bad behavior, so letting him know you love him, yet are having a hard time juggling, and yet the fact that your MIL and SIL aren’t helping you has left you feeling hurt.

I’ll keep you in my prayers. Perhaps ask for the intercession of St. Anne and the Blessed Virgin.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation and are feeling bad. I’ll keep you in my prayers. I hope things perk up for you.

GreyWings

 

[schaeffer]

Sounds like they are rude and passive aggressive.

The ONLY time it’s ok to not bring a gift to a shower is if you have already had the gift sent to the person the shower is for, and even then it’s good to have a card.

If they call and ask to stay again, have your husband speak to them AND deal with them while they are there. Of course you would be involved, but let him arrange activities, schedules and expectations.

I am really sorry they behaved that way and understand why you feel as they do.

My MIL was also passive aggressive and it’s hurtful, tedious and irritating, especially when they start using the way they relate to the grandchild as part of their game.

The only behavior we can control is our own, and if you are polite, respectful etc, then you are in the good. It’s good to have a friend to confide in, and best not to speak of it to other family member who may wonder if you are hinting about some of their behavior, or may simply feel that some of their behavior fits the description and get weird about it.

Everything is 10 times as charged when it comes to family.

If you complain to family about family, they assume you are complaining about them to other family members as well…and things immediately get awkward.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy is without issue and you have a great birth. Congrats on your growing family!