Mother's Sadness

[Ajnie]

Hello everyone, I thank you for reading in advance. Just need guidance, support, and also to speak/write…

A little background. I have a relatively small family. 3 siblings. One passed away over 20 years ago. The other two live far away and didn’t grow up with me. I am about 15 years in difference to them. Today is my mothers birthday and the two that lived away have not called her on her birthday. It’s not new, but extremely frustrating because I am the one around my mom. I see her sadness, disappointment and pain. I usually blow it off and always try to do an extravagant birthday. I did that today, but it doesn’t take away the frustration. It happens during Christmas, Easter, and Mother’s Day. They may call the day after always stating how busy they were. I understand we are all busy, but I guess I have a hard time with it because I comfort my mom.

In the past, the children of the sibling who passed away have been very close to us. They have since grown up and started their families. They too have have started the same approach of not calling or only sending a text. Again, I am the one that sees the frustration and sadness. What was different this year …is that the Mass Intention for the sibling that passed away was held the same day as my mothers birthday. There are a total of five grandchildren from this sibling. Three catholic and one that is not. Despite inviting to the Mass intention, 3 didn’t call or say they wouldn’t come. Of those 3, only one is catholic but the others in the past have come to the Mass intention. It’s frustrating because it’s their Dad and it’s once a year and it was a birthday as well. Again, I see the sadness in my mom. I know they are living their life, but I guess I would expect them to reach out to her more. Birthdays, my siblings birthday, Christmas, Mothers Day, etc use to have calls but it seems to continue to be less and less each year. I have a hard time with this because if they need a sitter we get a call, but they don’t just come to visit or just call to see how she is doing. I see it as priorities and see my mom and I as an afterthought. I know it’s a different generation, but I guess I would hope more. She recently was very ill and they barely called or came to visit. It broke up my mom significantly all the progress she had made pushed her back. Again, I’m the one here to support. I use to postpone my events etc to help them when they called, but hit a limit after many, many years and since then I only help if it is really needed. Not for dinner dates, etc. I did this because I started to feel like a sitter and not family. Drop off and pick up but not coming later to see her or just to call. We only would see them when they needed a sitter. It’s all very sad to see my mom know that they are around or close by but don’t call. Our priority was always them and we put our life on hold so now it is sad. The birthday gathering went well with the ones that came, but one still hadn’t called and it is the end of the day. To have a more intimate gathering I cooked instead of going to a restaurant but even then they seem to only come to eat. They don’t really spend time talking with her. So I feel it didn’t go as I had hoped.

I am having a harder time helping my mom through this all now. I get more frustrated each time and I offer it up. I know there is little I can do, but with a decrease lack of contact with them she feels more and more alone. I am here, but even with me putting my life on hold it doesn’t take that sadness away. Any wise prayers or thoughts. God bless you all. Again, thank you for listening.

 

[1ke]

And when you told them what you have told us about your mother’s sadness and need for visits and interaction, what has their response been?

 

[Xantippe]

Does your mom have enough of a life outside of just waiting for her kids to call? Also, what does she talk to your siblings and nieces and nephews about? Is there actually something to talk about?

“Birthdays, my siblings birthday, Christmas, Mothers Day, etc use to have calls but it seems to continue to be less and less each year.” As people get older, their nuclear family needs and schedules become more and more pressing and complicated and its less and less feasible to keep up extended family obligations.

Does your mom call your siblings or does she expect them to do all of the calling and all the visiting? One thing that might work for your mom is to have her arrange with the siblings and grown grandchildren for her to call them at certain times. For instance, in my family, it’s understood that my husband’s parents will try to call him pretty much every Sunday night. They don’t connect every Sunday night, but more often than not.

I don’t feel that it’s right for her to be laying this all on you, and if she is explicitly complaining to you, you may need to ask her to stop.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I am sorry you are in this situation. But I feel the need to give tough love. If your mom is complaining all the time, that in itself can turn people away.

Good for you for no longer babysitting and letting these people use you. However, if you choose to be their to comfort your mom, that is your choice and you can not resent the other’s for not showing up. It is nice you want to comfort your mom, but being kind to someone means giving a free gift with no expectations others will change

Honestly though, I totally see the point of view of the people who lost their dad. If a mass was being said for my dad and the whole family was there and after that they were all going to a birthday party, it would take every last ounce of energy for me to refrain from giving them a piece of my mind for how they are being so disrespectful to my dad

 

[Xantippe]

I am sorry you are in this situation. But I feel the need to give tough love. If your mom is complaining all the time, that in itself can turn people away.

Good for you for no longer babysitting and letting these people use you. However, if you choose to be their to comfort your mom, that is your choice and you can not resent the other’s for not showing up. It is nice you want to comfort your mom, but being kind to someone means giving a free gift with no expectations others will change

Yep.

Is talking to your mom an invigorating or a draining experience? Does she lift people up, or does she pull them down? It certainly doesn’t sound like you are finding it an energizing and joyful experience to be her main social outlet, so I"m guessing that it’s draining and depressing to communicate with her.

 

[petra22]

It’s kind of a sad commentary on society today. The children have moved away and the old folks are left to themselves. I know you are there for your mom and you see the pain. There are lots of parents who don’t have one like you to feel the pain. When I was younger I helped take care of our grandmother when she had a stroke that left her paralyzed. I was just a teenager, but I noticed my aunts who lived close and visited still didn’t make her miss the ones any less who didn’t visit . She always wanted to see the ones who lived far away. I know it’s not the same situation, but it’s more common than I think you may realize. I’ll pray for your siblings to change because of the 4th commandment of honor your father and your mother. I 'll pray for you to find strength, faith, peace, hope and love with your family and for your mom…

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

 

[Cricket2]

First, God bless you for your care for your mother. Don’t stop caring. I am the primary care giver for my sister, and was for my paternal grandparents, my father (still living) and an aunt. It does mean a lot to them.

That said, I strongly suggest you talk to your mother about getting Medical and General Power of Attorney. Make sure she states what authority you have and when. Believe me, those who have no or little contact now, will come out of the woodwork like flies in a field if she becomes critically ill or they think the end is near. Sorry to be so blunt but I have seen it way too many times.

Without these papers, and a living will, as well as a Last Will and Testament, you have absolutely no authority to decide anything for your mother or on her behalf. You would be surprised how interest “distant” relatives, including children, sisters, cousins, grandchildren, can become when they think they might gain something from a person’s passing or illness.

So please continue your care, make sure to take time for yourself, email me if you want as I totally get where you are, and see to it that your mom allows you general power of attorney, medical power of attorney (both are different so are both needed) and that she fills out a Will. Please do this for her sake and yours.

Peace.

 

[blujazz25]

I have seen this many times when I was still working in a long term care unit. Families close, and there are those who do not visit except on special occasions and there are there who just not care at all.

This is hard, but one member did give a point on getting the medical and general POA. this is important, not just for the family but also for the healthcare workers who will work with you if need be. We will need someone who we can talk to legally on important issues and able to give us a decision when needed. We do not need a whole consortium of people to make just one decision, its hard enough seeing your mom for example suffer in pain or sickness and we cannot do anything to help just because its by law that we have to wait the POAs decision.

Going back to the point, do not expect for them to do anything. As the kids grow, marry and have kids of their own, their main focus will be their families, that’s the hard reality. But you being the main care giver, it does not hurt to REMIND them once in a while that your mom misses them and wants them to visit. Is your mom complaining a lot? maybe she is expressing her boredom, get her more involved with activities…times that you have depression and lonliness kicking in is when you are not doing anything with your time. Perhaps diverting her focus on something else now that she is free from taking care of kids fulltime will help her spirits up.

 

[petra22]

God bless you and thank you for coming here and taking the time to share your story.

Okay, now my advice to you is this: please do all you can to expect NOTHING from your siblings. Yes, I actually said that. Have no expectations whatsoever. I speak from experience, I used to seethe with anger thinking of one of my siblings. This individual really didn’t help much at my parent’s home years ago and regularly “forgot” gatherings. When it came to help after a family Thanksgiving, I could be found washing dishes for my parents while this person sat on the sofa drinking an iced tea relaxing! I used to get all worked up with anger and then by God’s bountiful grace I was able to let it go.

I expected nothing. My parents were still hurt and I prayed for them, however the healing of their broken hearts was so deep it was Jesus’ job, not mine. I asked myself, “What would I do if I were the only one here?” and I tried NOT to think about my siblings and just went on with my life and behaved according to my own conscience! I would wash the dishes while they sat on the sofa but suddenly I was not angry! I would call my mother and they didn’t but suddenly I was not upset! It was my job to do my best, not to fix my siblings or to make up for their shortcomings. This was a radical change for me but one I had to make. We cannot control other people, we cannot make them behave the way we want. We can sit with our frustration that others are being selfish in their behavior and get angry or we can somehow let it go and be at peace that we can do nothing about it… You can find peace, seek the peace and freedom from this that you deserve.

You have taken on a burden that I fear, you cannot fulfill dear one. You are trying to fix your mother’s broken heart and you cannot. That is God’s job, not yours. You cannot be a “super-child” and make up for the lack of your siblings. However, what you can do is go on with your life and do the best you can! Be the best child you can, and when your mother is hurt do all you can to let it go. This is not your burden to bear. Jesus has known since the creation of the Heavens and the Earth that these children would be HER children, this was part of the Divine plan even though it is hard to see the hand of God.

Monicad, what good advice… Good for the OP and good for us! Thank you!

 

[CradleJourney]

You have taken on a burden that I fear, you cannot fulfill dear one. You are trying to fix your mother’s broken heart and you cannot. That is God’s job, not yours. You cannot be a “super-child” and make up for the lack of your siblings. However, what you can do is go on with your life and do the best you can! Be the best child you can, and when your mother is hurt do all you can to let it go. This is not your burden to bear. Jesus has known since the creation of the Heavens and the Earth that these children would be HER children, this was part of the Divine plan even though it is hard to see the hand of God.

Thank you. I’m not the OP, but needed to hear this today.

 

[rinnie]

Hello everyone, I thank you for reading in advance. Just need guidance, support, and also to speak/write…

A little background. I have a relatively small family. 3 siblings. One passed away over 20 years ago. The other two live far away and didn’t grow up with me. I am about 15 years in difference to them. Today is my mothers birthday and the two that lived away have not called her on her birthday. It’s not new, but extremely frustrating because I am the one around my mom. I see her sadness, disappointment and pain. I usually blow it off and always try to do an extravagant birthday. I did that today, but it doesn’t take away the frustration. It happens during Christmas, Easter, and Mother’s Day. They may call the day after always stating how busy they were. I understand we are all busy, but I guess I have a hard time with it because I comfort my mom.

In the past, the children of the sibling who passed away have been very close to us. They have since grown up and started their families. They too have have started the same approach of not calling or only sending a text. Again, I am the one that sees the frustration and sadness. What was different this year …is that the Mass Intention for the sibling that passed away was held the same day as my mothers birthday. There are a total of five grandchildren from this sibling. Three catholic and one that is not. Despite inviting to the Mass intention, 3 didn’t call or say they wouldn’t come. Of those 3, only one is catholic but the others in the past have come to the Mass intention. It’s frustrating because it’s their Dad and it’s once a year and it was a birthday as well. Again, I see the sadness in my mom. I know they are living their life, but I guess I would expect them to reach out to her more. Birthdays, my siblings birthday, Christmas, Mothers Day, etc use to have calls but it seems to continue to be less and less each year. I have a hard time with this because if they need a sitter we get a call, but they don’t just come to visit or just call to see how she is doing. I see it as priorities and see my mom and I as an afterthought. I know it’s a different generation, but I guess I would hope more. She recently was very ill and they barely called or came to visit. It broke up my mom significantly all the progress she had made pushed her back. Again, I’m the one here to support. I use to postpone my events etc to help them when they called, but hit a limit after many, many years and since then I only help if it is really needed. Not for dinner dates, etc. I did this because I started to feel like a sitter and not family. Drop off and pick up but not coming later to see her or just to call. We only would see them when they needed a sitter. It’s all very sad to see my mom know that they are around or close by but don’t call. Our priority was always them and we put our life on hold so now it is sad. The birthday gathering went well with the ones that came, but one still hadn’t called and it is the end of the day. To have a more intimate gathering I cooked instead of going to a restaurant but even then they seem to only come to eat. They don’t really spend time talking with her. So I feel it didn’t go as I had hoped.

I am having a harder time helping my mom through this all now. I get more frustrated each time and I offer it up. I know there is little I can do, but with a decrease lack of contact with them she feels more and more alone. I am here, but even with me putting my life on hold it doesn’t take that sadness away. Any wise prayers or thoughts. God bless you all. Again, thank you for listening.

I understand what you are going through and I think it seems to happen in every family.

I had a time of it for the last 7 years after my Brother and Dad died, it seems my Mom sucked the life out of me.

When I look back I see now that I created a monster and spoiled her very much.

I saw the most considerate, put everyone first Mom all my life, turn into a selfish spoiled child.

It was not until the last year I saw that I can’t make her happy, my Dad and Bro are gone and it is what it is.

I know she didn’t mean to, but my Holidays were hell.

So I changed things and said if you want to feel sorry for yourself, etc you are on your own. I can’t be put through hell anymore because you refuse to enjoy the holidays.

I told her I am not judging you, but I can’t live my life and put my family through this anymore.

Thing’s have changed! She now appreciates everything I do, and I got my Mom back.

You have to see as I did, that we are not God and cannot make someone happy. They make themselves happy with the help of God.

Don’t let her suck the life out of you anymore and quit taking responsibility for the others. Tell her to call them and ask them herself. That you are here, and can only take responsibility for yourself.

Trust me things will change.

Make the others step up to the plate, don’t let them off the hook anymore. Even if they don’t call or come, don’t let it be put on you. Just say I am here, and I love you!

Then call them and say Mom has questions! Make them explain to her why or whatever. Trust me it will be lifechanging!

 

[Ajnie]

And when you told them what you have told us about your mother’s sadness and need for visits and interaction, what has their response been?

Basically, “oh, I’ve been busy” or regarding her birthday “oh was that yesterday, I’m sorry”. Then, we see it happen again the next year. It’s all in God’s hands.

 

[Ajnie]

Does your mom have enough of a life outside of just waiting for her kids to call? Also, what does she talk to your siblings and nieces and nephews about? Is there actually something to talk about?

“Birthdays, my siblings birthday, Christmas, Mothers Day, etc use to have calls but it seems to continue to be less and less each year.” As people get older, their nuclear family needs and schedules become more and more pressing and complicated and its less and less feasible to keep up extended family obligations.

Does your mom call your siblings or does she expect them to do all of the calling and all the visiting? One thing that might work for your mom is to have her arrange with the siblings and grown grandchildren for her to call them at certain times. For instance, in my family, it’s understood that my husband’s parents will try to call him pretty much every Sunday night. They don’t connect every Sunday night, but more often than not.

I don’t feel that it’s right for her to be laying this all on you, and if she is explicitly complaining to you, you may need to ask her to stop.

Yes, they talk about a number of things for example her crocheting, grand kids, and other stuff she is doing or they are doing. Plenty to talk about. I agree, we all get busy. My Mom gets busy too, but like any other relationship it requires work. She calls them despite sometime not hearing back. She tries and that is all she can do. The one way communication continues with the grand kids is through group texting and that works most of the time. She is not always complaining, but gets frustrated at certain times. I don’t think she is intentionally putting it on me, but I see it. Maybe I was the one more frustrated this year than her because it doesn’t seem to change. She said she had a good birthday. I think it all worked out. God is great!

 

[Ajnie]

I am sorry you are in this situation. But I feel the need to give tough love. If your mom is complaining all the time, that in itself can turn people away.

Good for you for no longer babysitting and letting these people use you. However, if you choose to be their to comfort your mom, that is your choice and you can not resent the other’s for not showing up. It is nice you want to comfort your mom, but being kind to someone means giving a free gift with no expectations others will change

Honestly though, I totally see the point of view of the people who lost their dad. If a mass was being said for my dad and the whole family was there and after that they were all going to a birthday party, it would take every last ounce of energy for me to refrain from giving them a piece of my mind for how they are being so disrespectful to my dad

She is not always complaining, but at certain times. These are scenarios that happen during the year. I agree I can’t resent them. The disappoint will still happen… I know it. Sometimes we all reach our limit. This is many, many years in the making. My problem is that I have expectations and of course they will not always be met. I know that is one of the areas I continue to work on with God’s help. Despite that it doesn’t mean I should do the same and not be there to help or comfort. I grew up in a single parent home. This is one small way I can honor my mother. She did so much for us. This frustration is a cross that I have since I know my siblings will not help. You bring up an interesting point - disrespectful. I don’t see it as disrespectful because we always gather to eat after each Mass intention. This year it was different because the birthday fell on the same day. I asked for the next available day at the parish office and it was three months later. It wasn’t intentionally planned that way, but that is how it happened. They haven’t ever requested the Mass intention. In many ways it appears they have forgotten about him based on their actions. This is one way where we help gather them to remember him and hope they will continue when we are gone.

 

[Ajnie]

Yep.

Is talking to your mom an invigorating or a draining experience? Does she lift people up, or does she pull them down? It certainly doesn’t sound like you are finding it an energizing and joyful experience to be her main social outlet, so I"m guessing that it’s draining and depressing to communicate with her.

You hit it on the head! It is not a draining experience all the time. Certain time periods of the year. I have a great friend that told me to be sure and take care of myself. Because I can’t be there for her otherwise.

 

[Ajnie]

It’s kind of a sad commentary on society today. The children have moved away and the old folks are left to themselves. I know you are there for your mom and you see the pain. There are lots of parents who don’t have one like you to feel the pain. When I was younger I helped take care of our grandmother when she had a stroke that left her paralyzed. I was just a teenager, but I noticed my aunts who lived close and visited still didn’t make her miss the ones any less who didn’t visit . She always wanted to see the ones who lived far away. I know it’s not the same situation, but it’s more common than I think you may realize. I’ll pray for your siblings to change because of the 4th commandment of honor your father and your mother. I 'll pray for you to find strength, faith, peace, hope and love with your family and for your mom…

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Very beautiful prayer and one do my favorites, thank you! Your post was comforting.

 

[Ajnie]

First, God bless you for your care for your mother. Don’t stop caring. I am the primary care giver for my sister, and was for my paternal grandparents, my father (still living) and an aunt. It does mean a lot to them.

That said, I strongly suggest you talk to your mother about getting Medical and General Power of Attorney. Make sure she states what authority you have and when. Believe me, those who have no or little contact now, will come out of the woodwork like flies in a field if she becomes critically ill or they think the end is near. Sorry to be so blunt but I have seen it way too many times.

Without these papers, and a living will, as well as a Last Will and Testament, you have absolutely no authority to decide anything for your mother or on her behalf. You would be surprised how interest “distant” relatives, including children, sisters, cousins, grandchildren, can become when they think they might gain something from a person’s passing or illness.

So please continue your care, make sure to take time for yourself, email me if you want as I totally get where you are, and see to it that your mom allows you general power of attorney, medical power of attorney (both are different so are both needed) and that she fills out a Will. Please do this for her sake and yours.

Peace.

Thank your for reaching out. I appreciate your suggestions and will look into it. I won’t forget to make time for myself…thanks for the reminder.

 

[Ajnie]

God bless you and thank you for coming here and taking the time to share your story.

Okay, now my advice to you is this: please do all you can to expect NOTHING from your siblings. Yes, I actually said that. Have no expectations whatsoever. I speak from experience, I used to seethe with anger thinking of one of my siblings. This individual really didn’t help much at my parent’s home years ago and regularly “forgot” gatherings. When it came to help after a family Thanksgiving, I could be found washing dishes for my parents while this person sat on the sofa drinking an iced tea relaxing! I used to get all worked up with anger and then by God’s bountiful grace I was able to let it go.

I expected nothing. My parents were still hurt and I prayed for them, however the healing of their broken hearts was so deep it was Jesus’ job, not mine. I asked myself, “What would I do if I were the only one here?” and I tried NOT to think about my siblings and just went on with my life and behaved according to my own conscience! I would wash the dishes while they sat on the sofa but suddenly I was not angry! I would call my mother and they didn’t but suddenly I was not upset! It was my job to do my best, not to fix my siblings or to make up for their shortcomings. This was a radical change for me but one I had to make. We cannot control other people, we cannot make them behave the way we want. We can sit with our frustration that others are being selfish in their behavior and get angry or we can somehow let it go and be at peace that we can do nothing about it… You can find peace, seek the peace and freedom from this that you deserve.

You have taken on a burden that I fear, you cannot fulfill dear one. You are trying to fix your mother’s broken heart and you cannot. That is God’s job, not yours. You cannot be a “super-child” and make up for the lack of your siblings. However, what you can do is go on with your life and do the best you can! Be the best child you can, and when your mother is hurt do all you can to let it go. This is not your burden to bear. Jesus has known since the creation of the Heavens and the Earth that these children would be HER children, this was part of the Divine plan even though it is hard to see the hand of God.

Thank your for the post. I will remember it since it reminds me of a favorite quote " All the darkness of the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle" God is so great!

 

[Ajnie]

I have seen this many times when I was still working in a long term care unit. Families close, and there are those who do not visit except on special occasions and there are there who just not care at all.

This is hard, but one member did give a point on getting the medical and general POA. this is important, not just for the family but also for the healthcare workers who will work with you if need be. We will need someone who we can talk to legally on important issues and able to give us a decision when needed. We do not need a whole consortium of people to make just one decision, its hard enough seeing your mom for example suffer in pain or sickness and we cannot do anything to help just because its by law that we have to wait the POAs decision.

Going back to the point, do not expect for them to do anything. As the kids grow, marry and have kids of their own, their main focus will be their families, that’s the hard reality. But you being the main care giver, it does not hurt to REMIND them once in a while that your mom misses them and wants them to visit. Is your mom complaining a lot? maybe she is expressing her boredom, get her more involved with activities…times that you have depression and lonliness kicking in is when you are not doing anything with your time. Perhaps diverting her focus on something else now that she is free from taking care of kids fulltime will help her spirits up.

Great advice, it is something I will definitely use. Maybe I’ll get her in fb to give another way to connect.

 

[Ajnie]

Monicad, what good advice… Good for the OP and good for us! Thank you!

I agree!!