Moving away from almost independent child

[Deltadeliquent]

So here’s my problem:

I have one son, and only child. He and I went through some terrible times during his adolecence. He lived on his own for a couple of years in which he didn’t talk to me, or respond to my emails. Except, that is to launch a few very hurtful and nasty missives which left me cut to pieces. He was meant to go to college in the states, and then university, but he took three years at community college, and never graduated.

He’s had a couple on minor incidents with the law.

Whilst he was at college, I moved to Canada from the U.K. He returned to us, in Canada. Neither of us had ever lived in Canada before. My English husband wanted to experience North America.

Now my husband and I are wanting to return to the U.K. All of his family, which is most of mine, and all our friends are there, including his daughter, who is better put together than my son, and has been pretty much independent and is now going after a PhD.

My relationship with my so. Is much, much better. He is nice to me,and helps out sometimes. He’s been working well, and kept his nose clean for about 2.5 years now. He has finally decided to study a trade, and has been admitted to a foundation course in welding at a local university. All seems well. I’m very proud of him!

However, I have never settled well in Canada. I long to go “home” to England. We have no friends here, in spite of both of us having good jobs. We also have a beautiful house that has appreciated so much since we’ve owned it, we could easily sell it, pay off the mortgage, and buy a little land with a house back in England, or Scottish Borders. We are at the top of the market now, and we think it’s will start to go down after Christmas. My husband can retire, and I can continue to work as a teacher for a few more years. We are both pretty happy about the prospect, and we’ve put the house in the market starting on Wednesday. (6Sept). We are paying for his tuition, and would be paying for a years rent, which would get him through school and the first few months of a paying apprenticeship.

My problem is the fact that I am not sure my son, who is 25,is happy with the prospect. He tells me we should go do whatever we want to do, but I hear disappointment in his voice. It has occurred to me that I am actually hurting him by allowing him to live with us, and that he needs to be out of my house in order to really pick up his life and get on with it. He has no desire to go back to England although he admits he has fond memories.

I worry that by moving so far away, in spite of our connections (he grew up there, even) to England, it will seem just too far away for comfort. I don’t ever want to go through the bad times with him again. I feel like I have him back, I dont want to lose him again. I feel that I’ve been able to sort of relate to him, and I am loathe to break down the progress we and he has made. And I’m not entirely sure he’s ready to be without nearby parental support and love.

I am also aware that having lost a 6 year old many years ago, I might be being too attached to the child I have left, an am not looking at this in a logical way.

Am I risking a life without my son through a reoccurrence of anger and resentment? Is it alright for me to live in the place I have loved since I first visited at 15. My son and I spent 10 years there, I have an English husband, English step daughter who has never asked for anything from us, either material or psychological.( Maybe it’s her turn? )

As the song says: I’m torn up and shaking from changing my mind.

 

[pianistclare]

It’s his decision to stay or go.
Having said that, you can always move once he is more settled.
You lost him once…I wouldn’t be so quick to uproot him just when he is getting on his feet. But that’s me, in my Hispanic culture, it’s not considered horrible for adult children to be with their parents. Americans are likely to be much more critical of that set-up.

Family. It’s a really good thing when they are close to one another.
Just my 2 cents.

 

[Allegra]

I think it’s normal to be reluctant to move to a different continent from your child.

 

[pianistclare]

Indeed. We have a house and 64 acre cattle farm in Ireland.
We could retire there today, if our daughters had the kind of jobs where they could afford the plane tickets to come out to visit a couple of times a year. But tickets run around $1500 each round trip. NO way can they afford that. So we’re staying put.
I’d rather work and see them daily then move to a paid in full home and never see them again.
Easy choice.

 

[Deltadeliquent]

The only family. In Canada is my son. Everyone else, is in England.
We have money to visit two or three times a year.

 

[pianistclare]

The only family. In Canada is my son. Everyone else, is in England.
We have money to visit two or three times a year.

So I guess you have made up your mind?

 

[Deltadeliquent]

I was asking for advice about when to let go of parenting my 25 year old son.

I was asking advice about if a parent of grown children ever gets to return to making their own choices.

I was asking for advice on the hard choices between your and your husband’s desires, and your grown sons preferences.

I was not asking for a hard time.

If the answer is obvious to you because of family culture, or whatever, please respect that it may not be so clear to me. In my family you were expected to be independent by 20. My father was an airline pilot and I and my siblings grew up on airplanes and travel.

My son will move away from where we are now sometime in the not too distant future. He plans to return to the US, something we, as a retired couple cannot do because of the healthcare system. A $1500.00 a month heath insurance payment would buy an ticket to visit America. Neither of us can get Medicare now or in the future. We are not eligible for government subsidies. We would be paying full price up front every month. That a lot of airline tickets.

The housing market is expected to cool in the next 6 months. If we don’t do this now, we are not going to be able to do it at all. My husband misses his daughter who deserves some grown up parenting of her own. All of his family including his 92 year old mother are in England. All of our friends are in England. We have been here for 4.5 years and I detest Canada with a passion. The presence of my son would be the only reason we stay.

Perhaps you are right, I already know the answer. But thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[pianistclare]

I was asking for advice about when to let go of parenting my 25 year old son.

I was asking advice about if a parent of grown children ever gets to return to making their own choices.

I was asking for advice on the hard choices between your and your husband’s desires, and your grown sons preferences.

I was not asking for a hard time.

If the answer is obvious to you because of family culture, or whatever, please respect that it may not be so clear to me. In my family you were expected to be independent by 20. My father was an airline pilot and I and my siblings grew up on airplanes and travel.

My son will move away from where we are now sometime in the not too distant future. He plans to return to the US, something we, as a retired couple cannot do because of the healthcare system. A $1500.00 a month heath insurance payment would buy an ticket to visit America. Neither of us can get Medicare now or in the future. We are not eligible for government subsidies. We would be paying full price up front every month. That a lot of airline tickets.

The housing market is expected to cool in the next 6 months. If we don’t do this now, we are not going to be able to do it at all. My husband misses his daughter who deserves some grown up parenting of her own. All of his family including his 92 year old mother are in England. All of our friends are in England. We have been here for 4.5 years and I detest Canada with a passion. The presence of my son would be the only reason we stay.

Perhaps you are right, I already know the answer. But thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

What are you mad about?
You asked for thoughts. People gave them.
Sheesh.

 

[WilliamE]

I was not asking for a hard time.

I didn’t see anyone give you a hard time.

Regarding the matter at hand…your son is 25 now. Old enough to fend for himself. If I understand correctly you’re going to pay his tuition plus rent for a year. That’s pretty generous from my perspective. It’s not as if you’re throwing him to the wolves. IMHO, it’s time to live your life and let him live his.