Moving back home: Torn

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Liz_Smith

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Hello,

I’ve been married for several years, no kiddos yet. We’ve lived the first part of our marriage ~800 miles away from any family/friends (landed here because of his job) but now we’re able to move.

We’re moving near my family, and I’m surprised to find I’m a bit torn. I have a very part-time job in my field that I absolutely love. What makes it great is my co-workers and boss, as well as the job itself. I could work at another location of the same company (but there isn’t a branch in the state we’re moving to) or work at a similar place, but I’ve filled in at other branches… it was awful! It REALLY makes a difference who owns / works at a place!

Other than my job and 1-2 friends we’ve made, there’s not much keeping us here. And frankly, this is a really expensive part of the country. My husband left his job to start a small business (online) so we’ll need to find somewhere more affordable to live while his company takes off. For the time being, that “more affordable place” is near my hometown. Three large states away from where we live now.

My family is great, and I’m still in touch with a few friends from back home. But I worry that we’ll lose a kind of independence we gained by being “on our own” and fall into old habits (on my part) of asking mommy or daddy to help when the car gets a flat, for example.

I also know that we’ll have to go through yet another moving transition, to make this familiar place actually “ours.” We’ve called our first state home, and I’ve been away from my family for nearly seven years total.

I guess I’m just not good with transitions. Any advice from people out there who’ve moved a lot?

Having good friends (just a few) is really important to me, and I don’t necessarily want to rekindle old high school friendships. I’m starting from scratch, in a way. (I also really don’t want to piggyback on my siblings’ social lives! Eeee!)

I know it’s not a very important issue, but just thought I’d throw it out there and see if any one else has been in a similar situation.

Thanks!

TL;DR: Husband and wife moving to more affordable place near wife’s family, wife sad to leave job, mixed feelings about being near family again.
 
It can be really nice to be close to family when children come onto the scene. It makes it so much easier for children to get to know their grandparents and aunts and uncles. Heading home for the holidays is easier when you don’t have to worry about flights or cross-country travel. And if your siblings have children, it’ll be a blessing for you to get to know them and for your future children to get to know their cousins.

That said, you don’t need to move back to your hometown, do you? I mean, presumably the low cost of living in your hometown is also available three or four or seven towns over? I live about an hour away from my in-laws which feels just right to me. I love them a lot and really enjoy their company. It’s also nice having our own family and home apart from them. It’s close enough to make the drive on a random Saturday, but far enough that people don’t pop over unannounced and we don’t go there every night for dinner. If you were about that far, you could call them in an emergency, but you’d probably call a tow truck to change a flat or get you into your locked car.

Spend some time thinking about what type of town you’d prefer (rural, suburban, etc) and what type of amenities are important to you and look at tax rates and school systems. You may find the perfect place. It can be difficult to leave a job you love. In my opinion, that con would be outweighed by the pros of lower cost of living, being supportive of husband’s start up, and being closer to family.

I’ll make you a deal? We’re moving about a half hour away from our current house this summer, and I’m also nervous about making friends. I’ll pray that you end up somewhere where you’ll make good friends and you pray the same for me?
 
Count your lucky stars you have a family to be near.
It’s a luxury that many don’t have any longer.
You can make friends anywhere…
it’s just part of growing up and being wiser. Focus on your new business venture.
good luck to you both!
 
I think you answered your own Question ,
Your adults now , and have your own life , if you go back you might or might not lose your independence, if your happy with your life now , then build upon it where you are now,
 
Right now we live about 20 minutes away from both sets of our parents. I don’t think that having people around to help when you need it is a bad thing, as long as you don’t take advantage of them (or vice versa). Aside from wanting to be near because we love them, we’re around when there is an emergency (medical or otherwise), can help with shoveling snow and other things around the house, when someone needs a ride home from surgery or their car breaks down we can be there, and they can do the same and watch our son if something comes up. I have always wanted to move to another part of the country, but my husband and I made a decision to stay near our families. If you have a healthy relationship with your family, it can be a really good thing. If not, it can be very difficult. What does your husband want to do?

My only good friends live too far away to see more than once or twice a year. We’ve moved a lot, so that is part of it, but also once we had our son I just don’t have as much time for friends in general- I work part time and care for him full time. You may find that even if you stay where you are, future life circumstances make it so that you drift away naturally.

You might consider moving near your family, but far enough away that you will still feel independent. Close enough to see them when you want, but far enough that you won’t have people stopping by unannounced (if they are those kind of people and you would mind).
 
You need to do what is best for you regardless of other people. Let me explain. Just because you love your current co-workers, it does not mean they will be around forever. They may move for a good opportunity and the dynamics at your work change and it is no longer as great as it once was. And if you move back home, guess what. Your family and friends from your home town may move out of town.

Sure we hold people dear to our heart, but it isn’t always God’s will that they are with us forever

Angie
 
I concur with the poster who stated don’t move so close that people can drop in unannounced. 20 minutes away from family might be a good idea. Consciously deciding not to fall into old habits will help. Hit the ground running as soon as you get settled in the new place, find a new job (with perhaps even better co-workers…you never know). Get involved in activities that you want to do, and then make time for family on your terms. Having family close is a good thing when kids enter the picture, especially if both parents are working full-time outside of the home.

Good luck with the move. Think of it as an adventure, a new chapter in life to be embraced with a positive attitude and you’ll be fine!
 
nodito said:
It can be really nice to be close to family when children come onto the scene. It makes it so much easier for children to get to know their grandparents and aunts and uncles. Heading home for the holidays is easier when you don’t have to worry about flights or cross-country travel. And if your siblings have children, it’ll be a blessing for you to get to know them and for your future children to get to know their cousins.

That said, you don’t need to move back to your hometown, do you? I mean, presumably the low cost of living in your hometown is also available three or four or seven towns over? I live about an hour away from my in-laws which feels just right to me. I love them a lot and really enjoy their company. It’s also nice having our own family and home apart from them. It’s close enough to make the drive on a random Saturday, but far enough that people don’t pop over unannounced and we don’t go there every night for dinner. If you were about that far, you could call them in an emergency, but you’d probably call a tow truck to change a flat or get you into your locked car.

Spend some time thinking about what type of town you’d prefer (rural, suburban, etc) and what type of amenities are important to you and look at tax rates and school systems. You may find the perfect place. It can be difficult to leave a job you love. In my opinion, that con would be outweighed by the pros of lower cost of living, being supportive of husband’s start up, and being closer to family.

I’ll make you a deal? We’re moving about a half hour away from our current house this summer, and I’m also nervous about making friends. I’ll pray that you end up somewhere where you’ll make good friends and you pray the same for me?
Click to expand...
YES! I’ll certainly pray for you! Our original plan was to be about an hour away from family, but we’re starting out at an apartment about 20 mins away. They’re very good about not dropping by (according to siblings), the only thing they might do is have an expectation to see us more often than we are willing / able. But after being 18 hours away, I think I can remind them to be grateful we’re close, even if we don’t get together every week. 🙂
 
Anglewannabe said:
You need to do what is best for you regardless of other people. Let me explain. Just because you love your current co-workers, it does not mean they will be around forever. They may move for a good opportunity and the dynamics at your work change and it is no longer as great as it once was. And if you move back home, guess what. Your family and friends from your home town may move out of town.

Sure we hold people dear to our heart, but it isn’t always God’s will that they are with us forever

Angie
Click to expand...
Thank you, this is a very good point! And I was just remembering this morning of some horror stories of insufferable co-workers that occurred at my work place before I started.
 
pianistclare said:
Count your lucky stars you have a family to be near.
It’s a luxury that many don’t have any longer.
You can make friends anywhere…
it’s just part of growing up and being wiser. Focus on your new business venture.
good luck to you both!
Click to expand...
Thank you! I will certainly keep that in mind. I definitely want to be close to my grandma - we talk on the phone a lot - and as she says, “I’m no spring chicken!” 😃
 
I concur with a lot of posters, near enough to visit but not so near they can just drop in on you is best. I am about 4 hours from my folks and would rather be a little nearer.
 
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