Moving Forward with Catholic/Orthodox Relationship

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Hello. I am a devout Roman Catholic and I have been dating a Russian Orthodox man for about 8 months now. We have a lot of fun together and he is very smart, handsome and funny. There have been a few disagreements in what is “allowed” in the physical department/ living together situation (I’m the considerably more conservative partner) but that has so far been the only source of disagreement.

We’ve started talking about marriage, but neither one of us is willing to convert. He talks about how he wouldn’t pressure me to convert, but that would be ideal, and I quickly responded that it would be ideal for me if he were to convert.

I took a comparative religion class in college and I have been very fortunate to be very well-versed in my Catholic faith. I know the differences between the two faiths and remain steadfast in my devotion to the Catholicism. He is not as educated in Orthodox as I am in Catholicism, and he doesn’t know as much about Catholicism as I do about Orthodoxy, as just a shred of background information.

I’m primarily concerned about what happens when you bring kids into the picture (although having to get married in an Orthodox Church and forgo a Catholic Mass is enough to break my heart). We would both take a vow to raise children as our respected religions. Not “I vow to raise children kind of ____.” And that’s the issue I have.

We both practice what we believe to be the truth. The thing about the truth is that it’s uncompromising. That’s what makes it truth. But it seems that no matter what, there is compromise to be made, and I feel like the compromising comes primarily from the Catholic party, based on cases I’ve read.

He says we wouldn’t be the first to do it and promises that we will make it work. But I don’t want my marriage and children’s faith lives to be “something that works” I want these things to flourish and be sources of joy. I want to stay home and raise my kids and take them to daily Mass with me and celebrate Easter with my large extended family and teach them about saints. I’m not going to not do that.

He asked me if I agree that the man should be the head of the house, and I do. But I’ve likened it to a tour guide-- Yes, I would follow a tour guide without question if I had signed up for the trip, but I wouldn’t sign up if I didn’t want to go to the destination.

He said that we could both find good people of our own religions to be with, but he would like us to be together. But I don’t see how. He has talked about going to each other’s services on Sunday, but I don’t see the use. Neither of us has expressed any interest or openness to conversion. I’m ready to just let this relationship go so as to not waste one another’s time and increase heartache as time goes on over something that will never come to be. I won’t raise my kids as anything but Catholic, and that’s not fair to his desires. And I can’t imagine how hard it would be on kids to watch their parents practice separate religions. That seems like it adds a ton of difficulty on the faith formation process.

I don’t want to hurt him, and I would love to pass along your insight to him, too. I don’t have a strict request for your responses. Just anything that you would like to share or weigh in on with either of us would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.
 
Having been through the same thing with a very nice Greek Orthodox man a number of years ago, I can advise you to walk away.

Fortunately for us, we were not yet very serious when we discussed religion and agreed that it would be foolish to pursue what could never be. Neither of us were willing or able to convert and neither of us were willing to bring children up in anything but our own faith.

We agreed to part ways before we became too involved and made decisions we would regret.
 
You may have fun and enjoy his company when you are together now…but marriage is for the long haul and things can change when you are not on the same page…especially when the children come along.
 
Plastic_Spoon said:
Hello. I am a devout Roman Catholic and I have been dating a Russian Orthodox man for about 8 months now. We have a lot of fun together and he is very smart, handsome and funny. There have been a few disagreements in what is “allowed” in the physical department/ living together situation (I’m the considerably more conservative partner) but that has so far been the only source of disagreement.

We’ve started talking about marriage, but neither one of us is willing to convert. He talks about how he wouldn’t pressure me to convert, but that would be ideal, and I quickly responded that it would be ideal for me if he were to convert.

I took a comparative religion class in college and I have been very fortunate to be very well-versed in my Catholic faith. I know the differences between the two faiths and remain steadfast in my devotion to the Catholicism. He is not as educated in Orthodox as I am in Catholicism, and he doesn’t know as much about Catholicism as I do about Orthodoxy, as just a shred of background information.

I’m primarily concerned about what happens when you bring kids into the picture (although having to get married in an Orthodox Church and forgo a Catholic Mass is enough to break my heart). We would both take a vow to raise children as our respected religions. Not “I vow to raise children kind of ____.” And that’s the issue I have.

We both practice what we believe to be the truth. The thing about the truth is that it’s uncompromising. That’s what makes it truth. But it seems that no matter what, there is compromise to be made, and I feel like the compromising comes primarily from the Catholic party, based on cases I’ve read.

He says we wouldn’t be the first to do it and promises that we will make it work. But I don’t want my marriage and children’s faith lives to be “something that works” I want these things to flourish and be sources of joy. I want to stay home and raise my kids and take them to daily Mass with me and celebrate Easter with my large extended family and teach them about saints. I’m not going to not do that.

He asked me if I agree that the man should be the head of the house, and I do. But I’ve likened it to a tour guide-- Yes, I would follow a tour guide without question if I had signed up for the trip, but I wouldn’t sign up if I didn’t want to go to the destination.

He said that we could both find good people of our own religions to be with, but he would like us to be together. But I don’t see how. He has talked about going to each other’s services on Sunday, but I don’t see the use. Neither of us has expressed any interest or openness to conversion. I’m ready to just let this relationship go so as to not waste one another’s time and increase heartache as time goes on over something that will never come to be. I won’t raise my kids as anything but Catholic, and that’s not fair to his desires. And I can’t imagine how hard it would be on kids to watch their parents practice separate religions. That seems like it adds a ton of difficulty on the faith formation process.

I don’t want to hurt him, and I would love to pass along your insight to him, too. I don’t have a strict request for your responses. Just anything that you would like to share or weigh in on with either of us would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.
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Hi PS.

Getting married in an Orthodox Church (which as you noted does not mean becoming Orthodox) is not a big issue – basically you would talk to your bishop and get permission beforehand.

On the other hand, being Catholic and raising your children would (arguably) be a bigger issue – although it definitely does happen. Given what you’ve said, it sounds like he probably isn’t the one for you.

P.S. This probably goes without saying, but let me say it: I salute you for not wanting to get into a “tug of war”, as it were, over future children.
 
I suggest reading the thread ‘What would you do if your children wanted to leave the faith’. The OP gives a detailed description of what can happen if you marry a non catholic. Think long and hard about what the OP says. If you don’t have the energy to live through what she is, then walk away.
 
Anglewannabe said:
I suggest reading the thread ‘What would you do if your children wanted to leave the faith’.
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If you reread Plastic_Spoon’s post, you’ll see there isn’t anything in it about leaving Catholicism. (Well, either that or I misread it myself. 😊)
 
Peter_J said:
If you reread Plastic_Spoon’s post, you’ll see there isn’t anything in it about leaving Catholicism. (Well, either that or I misread it myself. 😊)
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In the aforementioned thread, it’s the daughter who wants to leave the faith, but the thread primarily discusses the issues that have come out since one is Catholic and the other is Deist.
I think that is what she is referring to…
 
My sister-in-law told me the story of her mother’s parents. He was Serbian Orthodox and she was Catholic, but they were kind of inseparable. They got married only two weeks after they met. The difference is, he wasn’t very religious so he let her raise their only daughter Catholic.

The comment about how conservative you are is wonderful, but it bothers me that he tries to push you. A real man never pressures his significant other like that, and especially before marriage. You can find yourself a nice Catholic guy who respects you.

I understand that you like him, but ask yourself one thing. Is you relationship so powerful, filled with a Romeo and Juliet type love that it’s worth trying to make it work? I personally believe nothing in this world is worth giving up my religion. If I were in your shoe I would tell him, “I’m Catholic. That will never change.My children have to be Catholic. That’s the only way this is going to work.”

You could always introduce him to the Eastern Catholics. They’re identical to orthodoxy, but in communion with the pope. However, I think your best best bet is to break it off.

Good Luck, and God Bless!
 
Sounds to me like the Orthodox man you are dating has a lot in common with the Roman Catholic faith - He thinks that the man is the head of the household, and that is very Roman Catholic considering that the Pope is the head of the Church, not the “first amongst equals” theology of the Orthodox church where the “bishop of Rome” as the “head of the household” is firmly rejected. I think it is wise of you to look closer at all the personality traits and faults this man may have outside of the religious issues that you are focusing on - and make sure you can live with those faults all your life.
 
pianistclare said:
In the aforementioned thread, it’s the daughter who wants to leave the faith, but the thread primarily discusses the issues that have come out since one is Catholic and the other is Deist.
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Thank you. Hence that thread is really another matter.

In the OP of this thread, I believe Plastic_Spoon makes it clear that in the (unlikely) event of her marrying the Orthodox man in question, their children would be Orthodox and she wouldn’t push them (or him) to leave Orthodoxy, but neither would she leave Catholicism.
 
I think you will be heading into trouble if you decide to marry this man. The trouble that I speak about is this. You might not get into arguments now but you will definitely will later on. You are a very deeply religeous Catholic girl but you are not ready to embrace the Orthodox faith. And it seems by what you have said he is not ready to embrace the Catholic faith. This might create problems for the both of you. I find when the two parties embrace the same ideals there is this great possibilities that your marriage will be a blessing especially for the children. This does not mean a Catholic cannot marry an Orthodox. I believe Catholics can marry Orthodox as long as their is agreement from both parties. Yet I will tell you that unless the man is also a very religeous man there will occur problematic issues that will create division within any family. You are a very religeous woman so decide if you want to be the only one to carry the cross than marry someone who is not religeous but if you want the both of you to share in that cross than it is the most beautiful and wholesome type of relationship one will ever enter.
 
My husband was/is a Roman Catholic and I’m a Ukrainian Catholic which has the Divine Liturgy that the Orthodox use. We have settled into the Ukrainian Catholic Church. The 2 of you might like to explore that option.
 
1ke said:
Having been through the same thing with a very nice Greek Orthodox man a number of years ago, I can advise you to walk away.

Fortunately for us, we were not yet very serious when we discussed religion and agreed that it would be foolish to pursue what could never be. Neither of us were willing or able to convert and neither of us were willing to bring children up in anything but our own faith.

We agreed to part ways before we became too involved and made decisions we would regret.
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Marriage may not be in the cards, but OP should know that if the courtship is not continued, doesn’t continue the courtship, that to “walk away” or “part ways” need only apply to the pursuit of marriage.

We should never, “walk away” or “part ways” from a Christian brother or sister because of differences in faith traditions. We should follow the cue of His Holiness, Pope Francis, who maintains warm and cordial relationships with leaders of not only what Saint Pope John Paul II called the “second lung of the Church”, but of other faiths including not just Judaism, but also Islam.

Don’t overlook the commonality because of being blinded by difference.

Praying with you!
 
I must say that different religions can pose issues. I have been married 29 years to a Lutheran, I am RC and raised my 2 children RC. He has been nothing but supportive in their raising and even attends mass a lot with me ( and the kids when they lived here, daughter ages 20 at college son24 on his own) I still must say though there is a disconnect even though he is and has been supportive. I guess I am happy he at least believes the same Christian beliefs. oh how I longed for him to convert but it’s not in the cards so I settled for the next best thing.

My daughter (20 yr old) started to date a Greek Orthodox last year and I was concerned because I read up on that faith. he was very involved with his faith and his father was RC but converted when his parents married. Anyway, the relationship went very serious very fast and I as her mother had a hard time with it. you see I think because I was the only Catholic, I sometimes felt like my kids got the watered down version of Catholicism because it was only me with the rules of the church. So I was afraid she would be swayed to his faith. Her relationship ended after 6 months which I must say I was relieved. However, as far as your relationship goes, it sounds like you know what you want and since he is steadfast in his faith, I would let him go before more problems come your way especially if children are involved. After all, THAT is where the issues arrive.

Good luck to you and God bless. Pray for the answers and God will lead to to the right path.
 
I am a convert to the Catholic faith from the Greek Orthodox faith. I converted after 28 years of marriage to a Catholic man. It can happen but I wouldn’t bet the farm when it comes to your boyfriend. Your marriage could be OK but you must talk about the issue of respect for both religions. You boyfriend probably has tremendous pressure from his Russian Orthodox family and friends to raise any children in his faith. For most Greeks it is all about ethnic pride and the religion goes along with that. It may be the same for your Russian Orthodox boyfriend. It doesn’t mean that faith and weekly attendance at church is really important to them though since it is just a way to express ethnic pride.
Decide how to raise the kids way before the marriage and inform parents of your decision so there will not be any pressure and objections later on. Be respectful of both religions at all times to set a good example for the kids. Proceed with caution here in this relationship.
 
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