Moving on after porn

[Farmerswife27]

Hello. I’ve been trolling CAF looking for answers… Not sure what I’m seeking: prayers, advice… I’m heartbroken.

10 years ago DH and I were still dating and I found out he watched porn. It devastated me at the timr but he loved me and he quit. I got past it, today we are happily married with 2 children and this past year we have really grown closer, after a lot of turmoil In our marriage. Finally, things were good. Really good. Then this weekend I discovered he was looking at porn again.

He said it was going on about 2 weeks and he was looking at it on his new smartphone after he found the “incognito” browser. Guys at work suggested it. I discovered the phone abandoned in the barn with the horrible pictures still on it. I confrontrd him, He was upset, ashamed, apologetic…said this was the first time it escalated to masturvation.

I don’t know what I did but I feel like I failed him. He is ashamed and mad at himself but is also accusing me of driving him to do it due to lack of intimacy (it had been a week). And he says I’m overreacting by being so broken over it, after all they’re"just pictures" and don’t mean anything… Ya know, “everyone else does it” and “_____'s wife doesn’t mind…”

The worst part is he knew what it did to me 10 years ago. How bad I hurt then, before my body was wrecked by having kids and aging. I can’t trust him right now. He knew it would hurt me deeply. And he was sneaky, hiding it in a browser I wouldn’t see or trace. I told him I felt like he was cheating on me and he blew it off as nonsense.

In a tirade I bawled and told him if I ever caught him again we were over, the kids and I would leave and make him sell the farm. I don’t want to leave him, I love him so much, but I don’t know if I can weather this if it doesn’t end now, today, cold turkey.

I installed mutual accountability apps on our phones last night, which he seemed a little irritated by.

How do I move past this? How do I make him understand why it kills me? I’m not a hot little 21 year old anymore, it seems like that’s what he wants and i cant be that person. I’m so lost and alone right now, he’s my best friend… I feel gut punched… I have nobody to talk to about it. I thought he was different. Better than that. How do I make him stop if he’s so aloof about it? He says he will but… I just don’t know. how do I learn to trust him again?

 

[Filius]

Farmerswife27 -

Keep your chin up…he is ashamed by what he’s done and trying to rationalize it to make himself feel better.

For me, the prospect of losing my family is what finally pushed me to fix it.

PM me your email address and I’ll send you a free proof edition of my book - it deals specifically with phones, internet, email, etc.

He’s not going to WANT to do the things I suggest, but if he cherishes his family, he will do them.

 

[Xantippe]

Hello. I’ve been trolling CAF looking for answers… Not sure what I’m seeking: prayers, advice… I’m heartbroken.

10 years ago DH and I were still dating and I found out he watched porn. It devastated me at the timr but he loved me and he quit. I got past it, today we are happily married with 2 children and this past year we have really grown closer, after a lot of turmoil In our marriage. Finally, things were good. Really good. Then this weekend I discovered he was looking at porn again.

He said it was going on about 2 weeks and he was looking at it on his new smartphone after he found the “incognito” browser. Guys at work suggested it. I discovered the phone abandoned in the barn with the horrible pictures still on it. I confrontrd him, He was upset, ashamed, apologetic…said this was the first time it escalated to masturvation.

I don’t know what I did but I feel like I failed him. He is ashamed and mad at himself but is also accusing me of driving him to do it due to lack of intimacy (it had been a week). And he says I’m overreacting by being so broken over it, after all they’re"just pictures" and don’t mean anything… Ya know, “everyone else does it” and “_____'s wife doesn’t mind…”

The worst part is he knew what it did to me 10 years ago. How bad I hurt then, before my body was wrecked by having kids and aging. I can’t trust him right now. He knew it would hurt me deeply. And he was sneaky, hiding it in a browser I wouldn’t see or trace. I told him I felt like he was cheating on me and he blew it off as nonsense.

In a tirade I bawled and told him if I ever caught him again we were over, the kids and I would leave and make him sell the farm. I don’t want to leave him, I love him so much, but I don’t know if I can weather this if it doesn’t end now, today, cold turkey.

I installed mutual accountability apps on our phones last night, which he seemed a little irritated by.

How do I move past this? How do I make him understand why it kills me? I’m not a hot little 21 year old anymore, it seems like that’s what he wants and i cant be that person. I’m so lost and alone right now, he’s my best friend… I feel gut punched… I have nobody to talk to about it. I thought he was different. Better than that. How do I make him stop if he’s so aloof about it? He says he will but… I just don’t know. how do I learn to trust him again?

He doesn’t sound contrite yet, so I don’t think you can trust him.

I think you should apologize about the divorce threats, though, but maybe wait until he sounds more apologetic?

 

[Filius]

No, he needs to be hit in the head with a frying pan so he will wake up from whatever place he is in…

Also, she didn’t threaten divorce - only that she would leave, take the kids and force the sale of the farm/house

However, be prepared to actually carry out anything you threaten. It may take something big to wake him up.

 

[heidi_storage]

He doesn’t sound contrite yet, so I don’t think you can trust him.

I think you should apologize about the divorce threats, though, but maybe wait until he sounds more apologetic?

 

[Filius]

I agree that contrition would be the first step for him to take.

However, I do not believe she owes him an apology. In order to get a guy to do something, he has to realize that there is something at stake here. You cannot approach this from a feminine perspective.

 

[edwest2]

Hello. I’ve been trolling CAF looking for answers… Not sure what I’m seeking: prayers, advice… I’m heartbroken.

10 years ago DH and I were still dating and I found out he watched porn. It devastated me at the timr but he loved me and he quit. I got past it, today we are happily married with 2 children and this past year we have really grown closer, after a lot of turmoil In our marriage. Finally, things were good. Really good. Then this weekend I discovered he was looking at porn again.

He said it was going on about 2 weeks and he was looking at it on his new smartphone after he found the “incognito” browser. Guys at work suggested it. I discovered the phone abandoned in the barn with the horrible pictures still on it. I confrontrd him, He was upset, ashamed, apologetic…said this was the first time it escalated to masturvation.

I don’t know what I did but I feel like I failed him. He is ashamed and mad at himself but is also accusing me of driving him to do it due to lack of intimacy (it had been a week). And he says I’m overreacting by being so broken over it, after all they’re"just pictures" and don’t mean anything… Ya know, “everyone else does it” and “_____'s wife doesn’t mind…”

The worst part is he knew what it did to me 10 years ago. How bad I hurt then, before my body was wrecked by having kids and aging. I can’t trust him right now. He knew it would hurt me deeply. And he was sneaky, hiding it in a browser I wouldn’t see or trace. I told him I felt like he was cheating on me and he blew it off as nonsense.

In a tirade I bawled and told him if I ever caught him again we were over, the kids and I would leave and make him sell the farm. I don’t want to leave him, I love him so much, but I don’t know if I can weather this if it doesn’t end now, today, cold turkey.

I installed mutual accountability apps on our phones last night, which he seemed a little irritated by.

How do I move past this? How do I make him understand why it kills me? I’m not a hot little 21 year old anymore, it seems like that’s what he wants and i cant be that person. I’m so lost and alone right now, he’s my best friend… I feel gut punched… I have nobody to talk to about it. I thought he was different. Better than that. How do I make him stop if he’s so aloof about it? He says he will but… I just don’t know. how do I learn to trust him again?

Hi,

I can’t say I can fully understand what you’re going through. But, being a guy who’s been tempted by porn all the time, it’s like becoming an addict. Is there a priest you could talk to? That way, I hope, he can listen to another man and get some perspective and the two of you can find a way to get through this. I’m a sinner, God knows, but we live in a culture where Catholics have gone for the “My buddy Bob does it and it doesn’t affect his family. What’s the big deal?”

Being a woman is difficult. My closest lady friend is beautiful and a wife. And she’s in her 50’s now. I know how much pressure society puts on women to look a certain way. But this a family matter and I think a priest can help. Even if, for some reason, you can’t see one right away, make a phone call. And pray. Pray to God. Pray to the Blessed Virgin Mary. Marriage is hard even for those not in your situation.

May God Bless you and help you,

Ed

 

[Farmerswife27]

Thank you everyone. To be fair, my emotions have been off the wall the last 24 hours, I go from depression/crying to irate and back like a yoyo. I don’t remember my exact words but I think I did imply divorce. I don’t want that to happen but I’m not sure I can deal with this long term. It’s not right but I’m being honest.

We spoke tonite and he’s sounding like he gave it some thought and is more apologetic. He refuses to equate it with infidelity but that’s another battle. I’m going to have to give this some time.

He read an article I sent about why porn tears apart a marriage, then had the nerve to say he found another article saying how much it helps couples connect. (What!?!?). I think he’s still in CYA mode.

I don’t know if I should forgive… But not trust… Yet. Torn but after tonight I feel a bit more positive. I think it’s some progress at least.

 

[TxGodfollower]

Thank you everyone. To be fair, my emotions have been off the wall the last 24 hours, I go from depression/crying to irate and back like a yoyo. I don’t remember my exact words but I think I did imply divorce. I don’t want that to happen but I’m not sure I can deal with this long term. It’s not right but I’m being honest.

We spoke tonite and he’s sounding like he gave it some thought and is more apologetic. He refuses to equate it with infidelity but that’s another battle. I’m going to have to give this some time.

He read an article I sent about why porn tears apart a marriage, then had the nerve to say he found another article saying how much it helps couples connect. (What!?!?). I think he’s still in CYA mode.

I don’t know if I should forgive… But not trust… Yet. Torn but after tonight I feel a bit more positive. I think it’s some progress at least.

I would try to get him to a support group for addiction. That is what this is, and he will find whatever means he can to justify his actions.

Also, what app did you get? They are not all made equally. Some are very easy to circumvent. (I don’t code, just know things)

 

[Farmerswife27]

I purchased “covenant eyes”. I did some tests and Google searches in normal or incognito browsers don’t show up unless you physically click a link. We all know he could just click “images” and have more than enough…I’m still looking at how thus works. what app is recommend?

Also, is this an addiction already? If its only been a few weeks? Am I being unrealistic to expect him to quit cold turkey? As his wife, what should I do to help? He claims I don’t show him enough affection as justification, and he’s probably right that we are in a comfortable married couple rut… I’m not sure I’m comfortable with feeling like I have to be affectionate or intimate to keep him from this evil. I feel like if I tell him I’m not in the mood he’ll look elsewhere. I’m so frustrated! But like I said, at least he seems apologetic now, I told him I wasn’t going to stand for him to ever look again, EVER, but that I would do anything in my power to help him through this.

I hate porn. Everything about it. I don’t understand it.

 

[TxGodfollower]

I purchased “covenant eyes”. I did some tests and Google searches in normal or incognito browsers don’t show up unless you physically click a link. We all know he could just click “images” and have more than enough…I’m still looking at how thus works. what app is recommend?

Also, is this an addiction already? If its only been a few weeks? Am I being unrealistic to expect him to quit cold turkey? As his wife, what should I do to help? He claims I don’t show him enough affection as justification, and he’s probably right that we are in a comfortable married couple rut… I’m not sure I’m comfortable with feeling like I have to be affectionate or intimate to keep him from this evil. I feel like if I tell him I’m not in the mood he’ll look elsewhere. I’m so frustrated! But like I said, at least he seems apologetic now, I told him I wasn’t going to stand for him to ever look again, EVER, but that I would do anything in my power to help him through this.

I hate porn. Everything about it. I don’t understand it.

I’ll do some digging and see what I can find out about apps. What you want is one that can’t be disabled or uninstalled without a password, or completely wiping the phone’s memory.

The time he has been using it doesn’t really matter. People become addicted to drugs after only a few uses.

I don’t want to sound like I’m defending what he did, but he explained why he did what he did. He wasn’t getting his needs met, so he sought to fulfill them elsewhere. What he did wasn’t your fault. He made a choice. But, little acts of affection from you would probably help him greatly.

 

[Farmerswife27]

Thank you for looking into those apps. Also, I agree completely. I have become complacent and routine about my marriage because of work, the kids, the farm… I am working on that now, but its difficult to be affectionate with someone who hurt me this badly. but I’m trying. I will continue to pray on it.

How can I make him understand that porn IS a form of cheating?!

Does the amount of intimacy a man gets have a direct correlation to the amount he seeks porn out or is this something he needs in addition to me… I guess what I’m wondering is if its habitual with men to the point of needing it regardless of the frequency or intensity of their love life? Because I thought things were good compared to how they were a few years ago, we are more intimate, fight less often… This still blows my mind.

Also, this part really kills me: all the girls he looked at are like 20 year old fair skinned redheads. I’m 35 with have brown hair and a (what I assumed was a) nice tan. Their bodies are much nicer than mine, I’m not horrible but I show my age and childbearing. I don’t know how to compete with those girls. Several years ago he admitted having a thing for redheads so I dyed my hair, which looked ridiculous on me, we both had a good laugh. I obvioulsy can’t transform into what i know he desires, so is this a losing battle? He claims to love and want only me but his cell told me otherwise. I almost smashed it to bits with a hammer when I saw it.

 

[Filius]

Farmerswife - keep plowing through my book…I address pretty much all you asked about here.

The thing is, if he is addiction (which from all indications he is), it’s not a matter of you being good enough, it’s a matter of the rush and feeling he gets from the visual stimulation. The red-head thing is just a matter of liking Coke over Pepsi - it’s inconsequential.

As hard as it may be, more “initiation” on your part may help some, but he has to realize that this is his last chance. Cold turkey is acceptable if you’re willing to “fill the gap”.

Covenant Eyes is actually a very good program for mobile devices - but does have some loopholes. Safe Eyes was VERY good.

 

[Rico_S]

Farmerswife, I am so sorry you are going through this and I sincerely hope your husband sees how his actions hurt you and decides to remove porn from his life forever.

With that being said…does anyone else feel that sometimes these threads end up as dog piles on the husband? Accusations of addiction…pushing wives to lay down the ultimatum of breaking up the family…all based on just a bit of info. (not saying that these aren’t valid sometimes, but everyone is so quick to go there.) I honestly feel that she would likely get much better balanced counsel from a priest and that the piling on of the husband can actually be counterproductive to the wife finding healing and path forward.

 

[Filius]

Rico - I definitely see what you are talking about here.

However, and not to belittle the value of a priest at all (they are DEFINITELY an integral part with this issue), but a priest has never been married, never had to personally deal with any of this.

Also, in talking to many priests, many did not know the issue was really this bad. The prevalence of the problem will only get worse as the younger folks come of age with handheld internet since the time they were babies.

 

[Farmerswife27]

I’m blaming myself for letting myself be complacent in our marriage and just humming along thinking things were good. However i do blame him alone for his decisions/actions. My husband is a good guy but this is unacceptable and he was wrong to do this. All husbands are, no matter the situation.

 

[Sugabee43]

As someone 23 years into the throes of this exact problem, I can say that from my experience (which may be different than yours)

1. it’s not your fault. Even if I am sexually intimate with my husband every day of the week, it doesn’t matter; he still indulges in his addiction.
2. Church teaching is unequivocal about it - looking at porn and satisfying his lusts in this way IS adultery. It’s a mortal sin, and he needs to know that and seek reconciliation.

The reason these types of threads turn into a “pile-on” of the husband is because they’re the ones (usually) engaging in this behavior, and it’s a sin and it hurts. Especially when they KNOW that what they’re doing hurts and they still do it.

The fact that your husband is at least halfway contrite is good. You both need to go to a trusted priest and talk about it, and the priest needs to make sure your husband realizes the spiritual and emotional ramifications of his actions. Perhaps that will spur him on enough to disengage from this behavior. If he’s only just started up again, it might be easier for him to stop.

Mine has been doing this since he was a young adult, even before we were married (unbeknownst to me). He stopped completely for about 6 months after we were first married (at least that’s what he tells me). We had lots and lots of sex the first two years we were married, but it didn’t matter.

 

[Farmerswife27]

Wow, I’m so sorry, 23 years! And he’s not gotten it under control, you’re a better wife than I am.

Its agonizing but I can’t promise i will stay with him if this doesn’t stop. I’ve never had an addiction, really, judt coffee, chocolate, my horses, things like that, but I could give it up if it was a problem. So I can’t really grasp what he is going through. All I know is what I’m going through and I don’t feel like I deserve it. Then there’s the kids, they’re 4 & 6, I can’t let them be exposed, this affects so much more than his selfish desires. I don’t understand how men like our husbands can’t just stop. They have faithful, loving wives, I know good single guys who would love that and ours take it for granted.

 

[Farmerswife27]

I also live in the sticks, no nearby big city for specialized support groups. Are there any online options?

Not sure I can make myself go to our preist with this, I’m probably just as ashamed for DH as he is of himself. He married us, baptized our son, its a small, close knit parish… I know he doesn’t judge and has heard it before but…

 

[Sugabee43]

Wow, I’m so sorry, 23 years! And he’s not gotten it under control, you’re a better wife than I am.

Its agonizing but I can’t promise i will stay with him if this doesn’t stop. I’ve never had an addiction, really, judt coffee, chocolate, my horses, things like that, but I could give it up if it was a problem. So I can’t really grasp what he is going through. All I know is what I’m going through and I don’t feel like I deserve it. Then there’s the kids, they’re 4 & 6, I can’t let them be exposed, this affects so much more than his selfish desires. I don’t understand how men like our husbands can’t just stop. They have faithful, loving wives, I know good single guys who would love that and ours take it for granted.

Me either - just the food-type stuff, too! I really don’t know why he can’t give it up, either. I know it’s been with him for a very long time, and he uses it for comfort/to rid himself of anxieties. He has a lot of ‘stuff’ going on, and that’s primarily why I’ve stayed. Our kids are older (19,18,15) and I’m really NOT sure how much they know- he hides it pretty well. I’m sure they know (at least the older two) that our relationship isn’t the best, but we really don’t argue- it’s more like roommates, really. He’s told me that he’s going to leave me when our youngest turns 17 (not sure why he picked that time frame-he’ll still be in high school), but I don’t know if he really means it.

I’m just holding on and praying - St. Monica is a great comfort to me!!

Prayers to you, that everything will be resolved according to His plan!