Moving out of my parents' house

[starchick21]

Hey guys! Here’s the situation. I’m a junior in college, and I’ll be turning 21 in a couple of months. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I’m strongly considering the idea of moving out. I recently came out of a brief relationship (only a month long, so I’m not too upset), and it’s given me some perspective on things. My now ex-boyfriend brought up the fact that he didn’t feel fulfilled in the relationship, and expressed how he wished I could just up and spend time with him whenever I wanted (Lord knows I really wished I could, but it’s tough when you live at home), and not have to make excuses to my parents whenever I did. They’re pretty strict with dating in general, so I’ve never really brought a guy home to meet them, and I probably won’t unless I think the relationship is getting serious. As such, I’ve never told them about any of my boyfriends. All three of my relationships have never made it past 6 months .

So the more I think about it, the more I feel my ex is right. I’m an adult, and I shouldn’t really have to “ask for permission” to go out or spend time with anyone. I should be able to just tell them what I’m doing, and let them know when I’ll be back. The only issue with moving out is that my parents are Middle Eastern immigrants (Chaldean Catholic). In the Chaldean culture, kids usually live at home until they’re married. I don’t think this is a good idea, and I certainly feel like I’ve been very sheltered and have previously felt unprepared to deal with a lot of things on my own. I’ve also been made to feel like less of an adult because I still live at home, so I think that finding an apartment near campus with some nice roommates would be a healthy thing for me to do. I already have a job on campus, so it’s only a matter of finding some other girls to live with and budgeting. Any advice would be helpful. I’m strongly considering talking to my priest, as well. My parents have the greatest respect for him. No rude answers, please! Thanks for taking the time to read all of this!

P.S.: I’m planning on going to med school, so I’ll more than likely have to move away when I do that. I figured I might as well see what it’s like living on my own now, when I’m at least living in the same state as my parents. I really want to be seen and treated as a grown woman, not as a child.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

What stood out to me in your post was your worry that you have been sheltered and lack some coping skills. At school I had a friend in a very similar situation and while I don’t doubt her parents love her they didn’t prepare her very well for adult life and it left her seeming very immature and unable to take responsibility. I also think the Western world doesn’t really know how to regard adults living with their parents despite how it used to be commonplace, I lived with my parents after university and felt strangely lost between the teenage world and adult world.

I would move out if I were you. It sounds like you are ready to spread your wings I personally would have concerns entering a long term relationship with someone who was very controlled by their parents. I wish you luck finding some flatmates and the right

 

[robertmidwest]

Your desire for independence is normal and healthy.

I think you might be underestimating the cost of living on your own though. Is the university job going to cover the cost of apartment, utilities and food? Will you lose the support of your parents (financial as well as moral)?

I have a 19.5 year old daughter who is in the middle of become independent. Her first year at school was in the dorms and now her second is now in an apartment with a roommate. It bring me a lot of joy to see he move toward independence. I come from a different background though. You already see the difference in cultures. My recommendation to you is to keep in mind your parents background. If you alienate your parents will you risk losing their support at all.

God bless.

 

[mommy_k]

If the motivation to move out is just based on comments your exboyfriend made, then dont. If a guy truly wants to be with u, they will do so no matter where you live and will respect your upbringing and parents wishes.

If you feel you need independence regardless of orhers opinions, then move out.

 

[Allegra]

I agree with Mommy K. The desire to practice starting your own home and taking care of yourself is a much better reason than wanting to spend more time alone with boys. When talking to your parents, I would focus on the former and avoid the later. You will probably garner more support that way.

 

[Xantippe]

I agree with Mommy K. The desire to practice starting your own home and taking care of yourself is a much better reason than wanting to spend more time alone with boys. When talking to your parents, I would focus on the former and avoid the later. You will probably garner more support that way.

Right.

And don’t be in a rush to bring a boyfriend home when you have one and an apartment of your own. It should be a person you trust 110% and think is totally safe and totally respectful.

 

[St_Francis]

I think the idea of learning to be independent now is great preparation for going to med school. You probably do NOT want to be learning to cope with independent living at the same time you are learning to cope with an arduous course of studies! I would emphasize your wanting to do this while you are still near your parents so it won’t be such a big change and you can still see them and ask for advice and they can be very involved in the process

 

[Xantippe]

Your desire for independence is normal and healthy.

**I think you might be underestimating the cost of living on your own though. Is the university job going to cover the cost of apartment, utilities and food? Will you lose the support of your parents (financial as well as moral)? **

I have a 19.5 year old daughter who is in the middle of become independent. Her first year at school was in the dorms and now her second is now in an apartment with a roommate. It bring me a lot of joy to see he move toward independence. I come from a different background though. You already see the difference in cultures. My recommendation to you is to keep in mind your parents background. If you alienate your parents will you risk losing their support at all.

God bless.

Very good points.

I personally got a lot out of living with roommates and then having an apartment of my own as a young adult and I think my husband also benefited from his time living on his own.

I think it is very important to have the switch flip and understand–it’s not house elves buying toilet paper and Cheerios, wiping the counters, refilling the soap dispenser, changing the batteries in the smoke detector, changing light bulbs, or doing the laundry. Somebody has to do EVERYTHING. I think it is hard to grasp that if one has been living with parents–even if they are the kind of parents who believe in lots of chores for kids living at home.

I suspect this will sort itself out once you are in medical school, although, come to think of it, you probably should have some pretty solid survival skills before dealing with medical school. I would suggest at least a summer of living by yourself or with roommates (and check them out thoroughly before moving in) before medical school, just so you don’t wind up living off of vending machine food and wearing dirty clothes. (Ideally you’d want roomates who were also in medical school or similar, so that they could accept your weird schedule and habits.)

I think that would make a good argument to your parents, actually–that you’re going to need to leave home for medical school anyway, so you need to have a strong routine set up of doing household tasks, so that you keep taking good care of yourself even school is HARD. The harder school is, the better care you need to take of yourself.

 

[midori]

You’re going to med school? Who’s paying for it? You’re already in undergrad. How much of that is scholarships, how much of that is your money, how much of it is your parents’ money, and how much of that is future debt?

Running a household is expensive. You have rent, renter’s insurance. You have electricity, water, and gas. You have your car, your car insurance, your gas, and your food. You’re already in school, so you have books at least two or three times a year, plus tuition and fees.

You’re living one of the most expensive times of your life, with a whole lot of expenditures, and precious little income. Now is not the time to take on more expenses, campus job or no campus job, roommates or no roommates. Now is the time to be sensible.

If you’re planning on going to med school, med school will be Your Life for the next x number of years— four years of pre-med, four years of med school, and three to seven years of residency. With every relationship you cultivate during that time, he’ll have to realize that you won’t be available at the drop of a hat. If you’re planning on going to med school, your maturity will be measured by your discipline and your focus, not in your ability to do stuff without permission.

So— learn life skills. That’s great. If you’re living with family, and you’re pining for independence, I presume you’re doing your own laundry, and you’re cooking on weekends, you’re cleaning around the house on a regular basis, and you’re regularly buying groceries and maybe even contributing towards the household bills, right? But one of the things that comes with freedom is a strong need for discipline: time, finances, life. It’s okay to live within the structure provided by family during this transition time— independence will come soon enough. But I see so many people fail because they throw away that support system prematurely.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m an adult, and I shouldn’t really have to “ask for permission” to go out or spend time with anyone. I should be able to just tell them what I’m doing, and let them know when I’ll be back…

Have you tried doing that? You do have to be willing to calmly stand your ground about it, but try just saying, “Mom, Dad, I’m going out on Saturday night. I won’t be home until after midnight.” If they object, you say, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m 21 and perfectly capable of making my own social calendar now.”

If you’re ready to have them throw you out, you can stay calm and see what they say.

I would, however, remind you that it is prudent for adults living in the same home to give each other real information on their whereabouts. If, heaven forbid, something ever happens to you, your parents could give the authorities the information they would need to find you.

I have lived with my MIL in our home, and we always told her where we were going, who’d we be with, and vice versa. She told us, too. I think before taking the drastic step of moving out, you may want to try the less drastic step of living with your parents as an adult houseguest. You all let each other know where you will be, with whom, and when you intend to be back. You text each other when there is a change of plans. That is just safety and common courtesy. You don’t ask your parents permission to make social plans except under the same conditions when they would feel they needed to check in with you OR if you were bringing guests into the home that they own and you don’t.

Be ready for the more drastic alternative to be thrust upon you, but try the least-drastic first.

If what you want is to live on your own rather than to just run your own social calendar, just tell your parents you’re going to start looking for a place and then do it. You don’t need to justify yourself. You don’t need to let the situation become a drama. Adult children who are self-supporting move out from their parents’ home all the time. They don’t ask for permission. If their parents object, they take their parents’ objections as suggestions, not as law. Try that.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think the idea of learning to be independent now is great preparation for going to med school. You probably do NOT want to be learning to cope with independent living at the same time you are learning to cope with an arduous course of studies! I would emphasize your wanting to do this while you are still near your parents so it won’t be such a big change and you can still see them and ask for advice and they can be very involved in the process

I would actually make the point that living on your own might be a point in your favor when it comes to gaining admission to medical school. Graduate schools aren’t really wild about applicants who do not operate in the world as adults with a social life. Those are the applicants who don’t do so well as the ones who make their own decisions and run their own lives as a matter of course. People with an active and independent social life do better in graduate school than people who do nothing but go to school and do what they’re told by their parents.

 

[EasterJoy]

You’re going to med school? Who’s paying for it?..Now is the time to be sensible…

So— learn life skills. That’s great. If you’re living with family, and you’re pining for independence, I presume you’re doing your own laundry, and you’re cooking on weekends, you’re cleaning around the house on a regular basis, and you’re regularly buying groceries and maybe even contributing towards the household bills, right? But one of the things that comes with freedom is a strong need for discipline: time, finances, life. It’s okay to live within the structure provided by family during this transition time— independence will come soon enough. But I see so many people fail because they throw away that support system prematurely.

A 21 year old who has to ask permission to conduct her own social life is not being unreasonable when she considers that taking on the expense of finding roommates and living independently may be the price of gaining the maturity necessary for medical school.

I’ve known immature people who move out and actually amount to dependents even though they’ve moved out. If their parents died tomorrow, they’d be on the street in a year. I’ve known mature people who lived with their parents until they were over thirty. Whether you live at the same address with your parents does not have a necessary connection to maturity level. Sometimes, though, the only way to force one’s parents to give the room to develop maturity is to move out. If the parents can’t recognize the adulthood of a 21 year old son or daughter while their adult child is still living at home, that doesn’t leave the adult child with many options but to move out at the first reasonable opportunity.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If the motivation to move out is just based on comments your exboyfriend made, then dont. If a guy truly wants to be with u, they will do so no matter where you live and will respect your upbringing and parents wishes.

If you feel you need independence regardless of orhers opinions, then move out.

I disagree. She’s in her early 20’s and the guys her age are finishing college and moving on in life. Its very reasonable for a young man to say “I like you, but I’m looking for someone I can comfortably build a real relationship with, and you don’t seem like you’re at a point in your life that you can do that”. And obviously, she’s not.

Not being allowed to even date means that guys will never get a chance to know if they really want to be with her. If she doesn’t grow more independent, she’ll probably be hearing the above often.

 

[EasterJoy]

I disagree. She’s in her early 20’s and the guys her age are finishing college and moving on in life. Its very reasonable for a young man to say “I like you, but I’m looking for someone I can comfortably build a real relationship with, and you don’t seem like you’re at a point in your life that you can do that”. And obviously, she’s not.

Not being allowed to even date means that guys will never get a chance to know if they really want to be with her. If she doesn’t grow more independent, she’ll probably be hearing the above often.

If she can’t afford to live on her own, then she isn’t at a point in her life where she can build a relationship that’s going to progress to marriage very soon.

In my experience, both men and women benefit from at least a short stint of living on their own and having to do their own grocery shopping and home maintenance before they marry. The ones who don’t are not ready to hold up their end of a marital relationship, let alone cope with the loss of a spouse to death or divorce after they have children of their own.

 

[CountrySteve]

I think it is very important to have the switch flip and understand–it’s not house elves buying toilet paper and Cheerios, wiping the counters, refilling the soap dispenser, changing the batteries in the smoke detector, changing light bulbs, or doing the laundry. Somebody has to do EVERYTHING. I think it is hard to grasp that if one has been living with parents–even if they are the kind of parents who believe in lots of chores for kids living at home.
].

Not if its your job to do that for your parents.

 

[JanetF]

Have you tried doing that? You do have to be willing to calmly stand your ground about it, but try just saying, “Mom, Dad, I’m going out on Saturday night. I won’t be home until after midnight.” If they object, you say, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m 21 and perfectly capable of making my own social calendar now.”

If you’re ready to have them throw you out, you can stay calm and see what they say.

I would, however, remind you that it is prudent for adults living in the same home to give each other real information on their whereabouts. If, heaven forbid, something ever happens to you, your parents could give the authorities the information they would need to find you.

I have lived with my MIL in our home, and we always told her where we were going, who’d we be with, and vice versa. She told us, too. I think before taking the drastic step of moving out, you may want to try the less drastic step of living with your parents as an adult houseguest. You all let each other know where you will be, with whom, and when you intend to be back. You text each other when there is a change of plans. That is just safety and common courtesy. You don’t ask your parents permission to make social plans except under the same conditions when they would feel they needed to check in with you OR if you were bringing guests into the home that they own and you don’t.

Be ready for the more drastic alternative to be thrust upon you, but try the least-drastic first.

If what you want is to live on your own rather than to just run your own social calendar, just tell your parents you’re going to start looking for a place and then do it. You don’t need to justify yourself. You don’t need to let the situation become a drama. Adult children who are self-supporting move out from their parents’ home all the time. They don’t ask for permission. If their parents object, they take their parents’ objections as suggestions, not as law. Try that.

THIS.

From my perspective as the mother of a 19-year old freshman in college who is home for the holidays, we have had some adjustments to make recently. She has been reminded that her parents need sleep and would she please text us if she’s going to be out past midnight. Other than that, we trust her judgment and don’t require a full accounting of her time, that is, “I’m going out with so and so tonight, I should be home by midnight, but I’ll text you before 10 if that changes” is perfectly acceptable…

She’s in a dorm this year, but will be sharing a townhouse with roommates next year for the following 3 years and then on her own, so the little bird has for all intents and purposes flown the coop, just returns for visits occasionally. We just ask that she be considerate during those visits.

If you have the funds and want to try living on your own, then by all means try it, but don’t burn the bridge with your parents on moving day. Explain to them that you need to spread your wings and this is the first step, that you’d like to find out about the pitfalls before the stresses of med school begin…in other words have sound logical reasons for making the move at this time (don’t mention boyfriends).

Good Luck!

 

[starchick21]

If the motivation to move out is just based on comments your exboyfriend made, then dont. If a guy truly wants to be with u, they will do so no matter where you live and will respect your upbringing and parents wishes.

If you feel you need independence regardless of orhers opinions, then move out.

Thanks for the reply! And no, I’d actually been flirting with the idea of moving out since last year, before I even knew this guy. In fact, I really wanted to live in the dorms my freshman year, but my parents couldn’t really see the point in that. Then again, I was a little younger back then and didn’t have a job

 

[starchick21]

I disagree. She’s in her early 20’s and the guys her age are finishing college and moving on in life. Its very reasonable for a young man to say “I like you, but I’m looking for someone I can comfortably build a real relationship with, and you don’t seem like you’re at a point in your life that you can do that”. And obviously, she’s not.

Not being allowed to even date means that guys will never get a chance to know if they really want to be with her. If she doesn’t grow more independent, she’ll probably be hearing the above often.

That’s pretty much what my ex implied in his comments. It really sucks because unless someone’s actually been raised by Middle Eastern parents, they really won’t be able to understand just how difficult this situation is . I just wanted to note that they actually don’t have a problem with me dating now (high school was a different story, though), but they’d prefer that I don’t just “date for the sake of dating”. If I ever bring a guy home to meet them, it would be a pretty big deal. But of course, if I have so many restrictions, how on earth am I supposed to know if a relationship has long-term potential?

 

[ConfusedLucy]

That’s pretty much what my ex implied in his comments. It really sucks because unless someone’s actually been raised by Middle Eastern parents, they really won’t be able to understand just how difficult this situation is . I just wanted to note that they actually don’t have a problem with me dating now (high school was a different story, though), but they’d prefer that I don’t just “date for the sake of dating”. If I ever bring a guy home to meet them, it would be a pretty big deal. But of course, if I have so many restrictions, how on earth am I supposed to know if a relationship has long-term potential?

That sounds very difficult, I imagine in areas where this is the cultural norm you would get more understanding and opportunities to meet members of the opposite sex through your family or community but obviously that isn’t the case for you.

I think speaking to your priest for advice is a good idea. It would be better if you can get them on board with the idea of you moving out.

 

[AdamP88]

Have you tried doing that? You do have to be willing to calmly stand your ground about it, but try just saying, “Mom, Dad, I’m going out on Saturday night. I won’t be home until after midnight.” If they object, you say, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m 21 and perfectly capable of making my own social calendar now.”

If you’re ready to have them throw you out, you can stay calm and see what they say.

I would, however, remind you that it is prudent for adults living in the same home to give each other real information on their whereabouts. If, heaven forbid, something ever happens to you, your parents could give the authorities the information they would need to find you.

I have lived with my MIL in our home, and we always told her where we were going, who’d we be with, and vice versa. She told us, too. I think before taking the drastic step of moving out, you may want to try the less drastic step of living with your parents as an adult houseguest. You all let each other know where you will be, with whom, and when you intend to be back. You text each other when there is a change of plans. That is just safety and common courtesy. You don’t ask your parents permission to make social plans except under the same conditions when they would feel they needed to check in with you OR if you were bringing guests into the home that they own and you don’t.

Be ready for the more drastic alternative to be thrust upon you, but try the least-drastic first.

If what you want is to live on your own rather than to just run your own social calendar, just tell your parents you’re going to start looking for a place and then do it. You don’t need to justify yourself. You don’t need to let the situation become a drama. Adult children who are self-supporting move out from their parents’ home all the time. They don’t ask for permission. If their parents object, they take their parents’ objections as suggestions, not as law. Try that.

This is the sensible answer I think. I’m 28 and only moved out of my parents home a few months ago when I got married. But my mother would still call at 11pm each evening as I cycled home from work to make sure I wasn’t dead. lol…I used to make fun of it but it’s perfectly reasonable for other members of the household to worry about you/Wonder if you’re safe etc. If you were married you’d have to relay that information to your wife as well.