Moving Out of State--Major Marital Struggle

[BlueEyedLady]

Picking up the slack at home while he works at his dream job.

That’s a big deal.

Really? She can “pick up the slack” anywhere. Right now, she’s benefiting from his “dream job” and he isn’t even being treated as a family member. At least not one worth considering over his wife’s parents.

This thread sounds a lot like she wants a divorce without actually having to go through or be divorced.

 

[AnastasiaRomano]

I agree that a move would make sense, but wish to echo some previous points made:

1. Your wife has been doing it mostly on her own for quite a while. She’s probably exhausted with the demands of basically being a single parent to several young children. As someone above noted, it’s very difficult to problem-solve when you’re exhausted and stressed out! Do what you can to get her some outside help and get her a little break.
2. Moving is hard. Very hard. It’s one of the most stressful events in a person’s life. That doesn’t mean it isn’t the right decision, of course, but I think acknowledging your wife’s perspective about the difficulty of the move would go a long way. She’s probably worried she’ll lose her support network, her friends, everything she’s familiar with. She probably worries that she’ll have to find a new pediatrician, new schools for the children, learn how to get where she needs to go, learn what stores are available in the new city, pack and unpack, organize a new home, etc., all on her own. She probably worries that she’ll bear the full burden of the move and you still won’t be home all the time.

My advice is, think in advance about how you could make this move easier for your wife and address her major areas of concern. Then have a discussion and ask her what her concerns are about moving. Affirm her concerns. (“Yes, I can see why you might be concerned about ____.” or “Yes, I can understand that would be difficult.” “Are there any ways we could address that if we did move?” Discuss her proposal for addressing that area of concern, then discuss yours. Problem-solve together.) Like Xantippe said, outside help with a move is going to be especially important when there are several small children at home…

1. I also think that bringing your family on trips to the new city prior to any move is important. The idea of moving can be overwhelming, so work to make your family familiar with the new city. Labor Day weekend is coming up – any way you could fly them to the new city and spend the long weekend there? Not house-hunting or anything yet, just seeing the new city and what it has to offer. Have fun together. Explore. See what’s out there and get familiar with the new city.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

From the wife’s point of view she is being asked to give up her support network and move to an unfamiliar place. Even if it would be better in the long run it’s not going to be easy for her. As said before this woman is exhausted and may worry how she will cope in a new place. Would visiting the area as a family be another option?

This was my first thought too.

Also, please remember that you are asking you wife to move across the country and leave her family behind, for your career. I’m not saying that is a bad thing, but I don’t necessarily agree with the people saying the wife has to move and not considering the fact that the husband should accept a different job near to the family.

All I am suggesting is to consider it. I’m a career lady so I know exactly where you are coming from. But if your wife is very close to her parents she will be very lonely and a support network is a great help when raising children.

You will still be gone for 1/3 of the month. That is your wife having to look after your children with no support network in a strange place at all for 1/3 of the month. I think that is very. very hard.

 

[AnastasiaRomano]

Really? She can “pick up the slack” anywhere. Right now, she’s benefiting from his “dream job” and he isn’t even being treated as a family member. At least not one worth considering over his wife’s parents.

This thread sounds a lot like she wants a divorce without actually having to go through or be divorced.

I don’t know. I’ve known a lot of women whose husbands work in the offshore oil industry. Those guys are often gone for 2 weeks at a time, then home for 2 weeks. Not quite the same schedule as the OP, but still a difficult one. The key for most of those women is living in a location where they have a support network – and that location might not be the closest to the town where their husbands depart from. That adds to their husbands’ commute before and after their two weeks on rig, and probably isn’t fun for their husbands having to drive an entire day before/after their offshore time, but it’s how the wives can manage basically single parenting for half the month. So I can kind of understand the OP’s wife’s perspective. She’s been basically single parenting for some time now. She has a support network where she is, she has a system to manage things on her own. Moving would take away that support network, wouldn’t mean her husband was always home, etc. So she’d still be doing things on her own for part of the month in a new place, without her existing support network, and would have to figure out a new system to manage things on her own while the OP is gone for work. She also might not trust that the OP would be home in the new city as often as he says he will, etc.

I think those concerns certainly can be addressed and overcome, but I do see why she’d be concerned.

 

[EasterJoy]

Picking up the slack at home while he works at his dream job.

That’s a big deal.

I am going to guess she knew she was marrying a pilot. He’s not chasing a hobby. The family has already paid a lot to get him to this point in his career. This is what he does.

 

[Lorelei12]

There are other jobs and other industries.

The OP’s handle is “Wings”–I suspect that a lot of his identity is wrapped up in his profession. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just that sometimes, when people are pursuing their dreams, they forget how many sacrifices the people back home are making to help their dream happen…

Exactly. I encourage my husband to work in the position he wants, but if it came to the expense of him being gone most of the month and moving us all far away, I’d probably be a bit resentful that he was pursuing his dream, and then expecting us all to just go along for the ride. Yes, “Wings” is the breadwinner and they need his income, but the OP did make it sound like he’s been after this position for awhile, and if it wasn’t a shared decision, it’s easy to understand why she wouldn’t want to move.

I’m a little surprised by all of the people saying that she should just pick up and go and be happy about it, because he makes the money and he’s her husband. Yes, there is an element of truth to that, in that you make an effort to go where the money is and keep your nuclear family together, and she shouldn’t put her parents before her husband, but it’s not really clear what kind of discussions they’ve had in the past about his career path or that he wouldn’t be able to find a more suitable position for the whole family. Also, the OP wrote that:

We have had marriage struggles in the past, and she is concerned that I won’t be the loving husband she needs to lean on while she is so far from her family. At times in the past, I have let the stress of my work (and my commute) boil over and reflect on my family.

That is concerning, if she has sacrificed for his career (and I’d say raising kids alone much of the time is a sacrifice…) his career has already been negatively affecting the family as it is.

 

[EasterJoy]

… I provide approximately 98% of the income to support our family…

Let’s say you’re a pilot and let’s say you make $150 K. If your wife makes 2% of that, she’s bringing in $3 K.

I’ve been in a similar position. Why does a woman work to make an extra $3K when she is exhausted all the time and her husband makes 50 times more than she can? The reasons I can think of are a) she has a profession of her own, and she doesn’t want to lose her resume entirely or b) she would go crazy from boredom and loneliness if she didn’t do something besides work that always has to be done all over again tomorrow.

I’d really suggest a Married Encounter weekend. There are many things that could be leading to your wife’s resistance to this move. You can hardly make this decision together if you don’t both understand what the other one is thinking and feeling about your careers and your hopes and dreams as parents and spouses. I mean that you need a plan that you have come up with together, not one that says, “we made this investment in time to go in Direction X, it will give us the most financial security, therefore we need to go in that direction.” Even if you wind up with the exact same plan you are proposing now, it is very important that your wife feels that the two of you looked at all the options together and came up with one you can both agree to.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

Right now, he’s bringing home 98% of the income, spending very little time with his family, and spending a terrible amount of his life traveling. He’s making huge sacrifices, and for the sake of their ability to live as a family, now she needs to make some.

Man or woman, if you can’t move away from your family of origin to meet the needs of your spouse and children, you shouldn’t be getting married. “Leave and cleave” and such.

That is one way of looking at it. Another is that she is allowing him to follow his dreams while raising his children and she would rather do it with a support network than on her own for 1/3 of the month in an unfamiliar city. I actually think her sacrifices are equally as great, if not more so, depending on whether she wants to be a SAHM or not.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

Also, her family is 80 miles away. She isn’t exactly losing a quick, easy babysitter.

800 miles I think.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

That is one way of looking at it. Another is that she is allowing him to follow his dreams while raising his children and she would rather do it with a support network than on her own for 1/3 of the month in an unfamiliar city. I actually think her sacrifices are equally as great, if not more so, depending on whether she wants to be a SAHM or not.

She stays home with the kids all month. He sees them 1/3 of the time and misses out on a lot. At this point, he’s a paycheck. His wife is choosing to keep it that way to avoid leaving her parents. Who does this to their husband? More to the point, the kids need their father.

If I were the OP I would speak to a lawyer. This sounds like the start of a divorce and he doesn’t want to be caught off guard.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I think we are all jumping to a lot of conclusions and maybe we should give the original poster a chance to come back and answer some things.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

She stays home with the kids all month. He sees them 1/3 of the time and misses out on a lot. At this point, he’s a paycheck. His wife is choosing to keep it that way to avoid leaving her parents. Who does this to their husband? More to the point, the kids need their father.

If I were the OP I would speak to a lawyer. This sounds like the start of a divorce and he doesn’t want to be caught off guard.

Support network is different to just seeing mom and dad for coffee and a chat every other day. It does depend on the context of her wanting to stay near them, I agree. But they say “it takes a village to raise a child” and that is assuming that both parents are around.

If the wife feels that she can’t cope with looking after the children completely alone for 10 days a month, that is a very valid and unselfish concern because she won’t be able to be the best mom to her children if she is stressed to the nines. Just because some women can do that, doesn’t mean everyone can.

It all depends on context and we only have a small part of the story.

I also don’t agree that a person’s career should go before their family. This sounds like a “dream job” rather than a career of necessity. If he could get a less well-paid job but have a happier family life closer to home, that should at least be considered.

Bringing home the paycheck doesn’t grant you extra influence or sway in a marriage with children in my opinion; looking after them can be more exhausting and is often utterly thankless.

 

[Irishmom2]

Picking up the slack at home while he works at his dream job.

That’s a big deal.

Picking up the slack? Wow. That’s a really bad attitude.

And as far as I can tell, you are the only one that referred to this as his dream job, the OP hasn’t.

 

[AClaire11]

Really? She can “pick up the slack” anywhere. Right now, she’s benefiting from his “dream job” and he isn’t even being treated as a family member. At least not one worth considering over his wife’s parents.

This thread sounds a lot like she wants a divorce without actually having to go through or be divorced.

He’s gone 20 days a month and has admitted to often “boiling over” aka being verbally abusive in the past when he is home. I’m not sure I’d blame her for considering divorce.

I don’t have any advice to add. Other posters have covered pretty much everything. OP, I hope you’ll be able to work out a compromise or otherwise come to an agreement.

 

[AClaire11]

800 miles I think.

He works 800 miles away and her family of origin lives 80 minutes away.

 

[Xantippe]

Really? She can “pick up the slack” anywhere. Right now, she’s benefiting from his “dream job” and he isn’t even being treated as a family member. At least not one worth considering over his wife’s parents.

This thread sounds a lot like she wants a divorce without actually having to go through or be divorced.

She’s being asked to pick up more slack if they move–no wonder she’s not excited about it.

I think it’s not a great thing to bring up the D-word if it’s not on the table.

The OP needs to demonstrate to his wife that she will have a better quality of life if the family moves–that it’s not just about making his life easier.

 

[Xantippe]

She stays home with the kids all month. He sees them 1/3 of the time and misses out on a lot. At this point, he’s a paycheck. His wife is choosing to keep it that way to avoid leaving her parents. Who does this to their husband? More to the point, the kids need their father.

If I were the OP I would speak to a lawyer. This sounds like the start of a divorce and he doesn’t want to be caught off guard.

That is really dangerous advice, especially since he works 800 miles away.

A lot of people would view a spouse speaking to a lawyer about divorce as the beginning of the end–it could be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[Xantippe]

I’d really suggest a Married Encounter weekend. There are many things that could be leading to your wife’s resistance to this move. You can hardly make this decision together if you don’t both understand what the other one is thinking and feeling about your careers and your hopes and dreams as parents and spouses. I mean that you need a plan that you have come up with together, not one that says, “we made this investment in time to go in Direction X, it will give us the most financial security, therefore we need to go in that direction.” Even if you wind up with the exact same plan you are proposing now, it is very important that your wife feels that the two of you looked at all the options together and came up with one you can both agree to.

Yes!

 

[Xantippe]

Picking up the slack? Wow. That’s a really bad attitude.

And as far as I can tell, you are the only one that referred to this as his dream job, the OP hasn’t.

I have two commercial pilots in my extended family and my brother tried (but unfortunately failed) to get on as a military pilot–it had been a lifelong dream.

People in aviation (or who dream about it) are often crazy about it.

I feel like it’s not that much of a stretch to assume that a guy who posts as “Wings” is really into aviation.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

She’s being asked to pick up more slack if they move–no wonder she’s not excited about it.

I think it’s not a great thing to bring up the D-word if it’s not on the table.

The OP needs to demonstrate to his wife that she will have a better quality of life if the family moves–that it’s not just about making his life easier.

What??? If my husband gets a job to support me and our children, I would not have to be convinced it would be better to live with him and have him be a real father to said kids.

You’re asking him to audition for the role of family against her family of origin. They need to stick together because they need this income and his job, and they are a family and that’s the commitment they made.

I am very suspicious that she’s trying to make it look like he up and left for a job for an upcoming custody battle. This whole situation is so insane it’s hard not to think that’s the case. He needs to talk to a lawyer so that he can document his efforts should he end up fighting for his children.