Moving Out of State--Major Marital Struggle

[Xantippe]

I wish we know if she was doing anything to combat the depression.
Are her parents encouraging her to take her meds or get treatment?
Or is this something that helps her extreme need to stay near them at the price of her marriage? I can’t imagine that she has been diagnosed, and there is absolutely no improvement or discussion of the situation.
If he was depressed, I wonder how everyone would respond.

Yes, there is a diagnosis, but the OP was very vague about his wife’s treatment plan.

I feel like he should know a lot more about his wife’s depression, her treatment plan, whether she’s complying with it, and what he can do to help. I know he’s trying to help in a variety of ways, but it didn’t sound very systematic.

It’s possible that the OP is doing a lot at home, but that it’s not helping much because he is focused on the wrong things.

I would also encourage the OP to do some research on how to get the most out of counseling. Don’t just be a backseat passenger–do your homework and come prepared with areas of concern. For example, if I were you, I’d want to talk about your wife’s depression and whether or not your wife’s parenting approach might not be synergistic with her depression.

Here’s a place to start:

forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2012/07/06/the-better-mother-how-intense-parenting-leads-to-depression/#3768993355f4

“…being a parent may actually take a serious toll on your mental health. Interestingly, but maybe not surprisingly, mothers seem to be more at risk than fathers. The question is, what is it about parenting (or mothering, per se) that might lead to worse mental health? Is there a certain kind of mother who’s more prone to problems than others?”

“In short, the answer is yes. The more “intense” you are about mothering, the worse off you are, mental health-wise.”

“Across the board, about 23% of the mothers in the study were depressed, which is quite a bit higher than the rate of depression in the general public (which is about 6.7%, according to the National Institutes of Mental Health).”

“The authors suggest that women “may think that it makes them better mothers, so they are willing to sacrifice their own mental health to enhance their children’s cognitive, social and emotional outcomes. In reality, intensive parenting may have the opposite effect on children from what parents intend.”"

 

[pianistclare]

"The authors suggest that women “may think that it makes them better mothers, so they are willing to sacrifice their own mental health to enhance their children’s cognitive, social and emotional outcomes. In reality, intensive parenting may have the opposite effect on children from what parents intend.

Well that’s certainly true.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Yes, there is a diagnosis, but the OP was very vague about his wife’s treatment plan.

I feel like he should know a lot more about his wife’s depression, her treatment plan, whether she’s complying with it, and what he can do to help. I know he’s trying to help in a variety of ways, but it didn’t sound very systematic.

It’s possible that the OP is doing a lot at home, but that it’s not helping much because he is focused on the wrong things.

I would also encourage the OP to do some research on how to get the most out of counseling. Don’t just be a backseat passenger–do your homework and come prepared with areas of concern. For example, if I were you, I’d want to talk about your wife’s depression and whether or not your wife’s parenting approach might not be synergistic with her depression.

Here’s a place to start:

forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2012/07/06/the-better-mother-how-intense-parenting-leads-to-depression/#3768993355f4

“…being a parent may actually take a serious toll on your mental health. Interestingly, but maybe not surprisingly, mothers seem to be more at risk than fathers. The question is, what is it about parenting (or mothering, per se) that might lead to worse mental health? Is there a certain kind of mother who’s more prone to problems than others?”

“In short, the answer is yes. The more “intense” you are about mothering, the worse off you are, mental health-wise.”

“Across the board, about 23% of the mothers in the study were depressed, which is quite a bit higher than the rate of depression in the general public (which is about 6.7%, according to the National Institutes of Mental Health).”

“The authors suggest that women “may think that it makes them better mothers, so they are willing to sacrifice their own mental health to enhance their children’s cognitive, social and emotional outcomes. In reality, intensive parenting may have the opposite effect on children from what parents intend.”"

That’s actually a very interesting article. I agree that he needs to learn more about her depression and her meds and treatment. It would be hard for him to know how to help her without getting a better handle on the whys and hows of her mental health.

 

[Irishmom2]

What he says is this:

Again, that’s not even close to enough information to be conclude that he was abusive or that she was “frightened.” We don’t even know exactly what it means, other than that it was negatively affecting their married life. Certainly it is a problem, but one that he is working on and that she acknowledges has improved.

Yes, I think that people are reading too much into it, trying to make some sort of psychological sympathy card for the wife that may not even be needed. Who doesn’t have times in their marriage when stress makes them regret their words? I think it is unfair to try to analyze this further than we have information for. And honestly, it is none of our business to know any more than we know.

Some people are sounding like any negative thing is a reason to divorce, or have their feeling hurt to the point of being frightened. When did he say his wife is frightened by him? Or is this more of the current needing of safe spaces and puppies?

I think if I were OP, I would feel attacked. He came here for advice, not to be put down with pyschological guessing. Since he is the one asking for help, let’s keep that in mind.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Yes, I think that people are reading too much into it, trying to make some sort of psychological sympathy card for the wife that may not even be needed. Who doesn’t have times in their marriage when stress makes them regret their words? I think it is unfair to try to analyze this further than we have information for. And honestly, it is none of our business to know any more than we know.

Some people are sounding like any negative thing is a reason to divorce, or have their feeling hurt to the point of being frightened. When did he say his wife is frightened by him? Or is this more of the current needing of safe spaces and puppies?

I think if I were OP, I would feel attacked. He came here for advice, not to be put down with pyschological guessing. Since he is the one asking for help, let’s keep that in mind.

Well said.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, there is a diagnosis, but the OP was very vague about his wife’s treatment plan.

I feel like he should know a lot more about his wife’s depression, her treatment plan, whether she’s complying with it, and what he can do to help. I know he’s trying to help in a variety of ways, but it didn’t sound very systematic.

It’s possible that the OP is doing a lot at home, but that it’s not helping much because he is focused on the wrong things.

Her treatment plan is none of our business.
We don’t know what he knows or doesn’t know.
Why are we speculating on what he is or isn’t doing? How do we know he is focusing on the “wrong” things? It’s just not right to project feelings onto him.

 

[AClaire11]

Yes, I think that people are reading too much into it, trying to make some sort of psychological sympathy card for the wife that may not even be needed. Who doesn’t have times in their marriage when stress makes them regret their words? I think it is unfair to try to analyze this further than we have information for. And honestly, it is none of our business to know any more than we know.

Some people are sounding like any negative thing is a reason to divorce, or have their feeling hurt to the point of being frightened. When did he say his wife is frightened by him? Or is this more of the current needing of safe spaces and puppies?

I think if I were OP, I would feel attacked. He came here for advice, not to be put down with pyschological guessing. Since he is the one asking for help, let’s keep that in mind.

When I read the phrase “boiling over,” I don’t think of someone just being a bit snappy or sour. I think of yelling and abusive language, which can indeed be frightening. I’ve lived in a house where that happened not infrequently and it was scary. We always felt like we were walking on eggshells, never knowing when the hammer was going drop or what would set him off. To imply that this is on the same level as whiny college kids needing to pet puppies because someone disagrees with them is insulting. Maybe the OP just chose his words poorly, but don’t disparage me for trying to see both sides of the equation when people are frequently scolded on here for only seeing the side of a thread’s original poster. And he himself said that this is a big factor, so we can infer that it was bad enough to be a big deal to his wife.

I do agree that attacking the OP is not helpful and we should all reign in the speculating, myself included.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Yes, I think that people are reading too much into it, trying to make some sort of psychological sympathy card for the wife that may not even be needed. Who doesn’t have times in their marriage when stress makes them regret their words? I think it is unfair to try to analyze this further than we have information for. And honestly, it is none of our business to know any more than we know.

Some people are sounding like any negative thing is a reason to divorce, or have their feeling hurt to the point of being frightened. When did he say his wife is frightened by him? Or is this more of the current needing of safe spaces and puppies?

I think if I were OP, I would feel attacked. He came here for advice, not to be put down with pyschological guessing. Since he is the one asking for help, let’s keep that in mind.

While I will make it clear that I have doubts as to the op’s portrayal of himself and his wife, and I think there is more to this than we will ever know. you are correct that we have jumped into wild speculation. On both sides.
It’s best we police it ourselves before the op comes back to set us strait or worse a moderator!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Her treatment plan is none of our business.
We don’t know what he knows or doesn’t know.
Why are we speculating on what he is or isn’t doing? How do we know he is focusing on the “wrong” things? It’s just not right to project feelings onto him.

We only know what the op shares. And what the op has shared is that his wife has some diagnosis of which he was dismissive of and he doesn’t know if she takes her meds.

It sounds like while it may be none of our business, it isn’t his either…

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Right. It would be horrible to be trying to have to manage things home alone with little children for much of the month, and then when your husband finally comes home, instead of hugs and kisses, he takes out his anger and frustrations on you.



I imagine that might even be kind of traumatic.

If it’s so bad as to cause fear and “trauma”, then this lady owes it to herself and to her kids to separate and keep this man out of their lives.

But since she’s fine with him living there part time just so long as she doesn’t have to make any sacrifices, I’m going to guess that “trauma” from having work stress taken out on you is a bit of a stretch.

And for Pete’s sake, if that were an excuse to totally stop acting like a family and block him from really being a father, no lawyer, CPA, medical professional, or teacher at the end of the semester would ever be a suitable spouse. Jobs are stressful - especially when you’re the only one working for your family’s income. When you get married, there are things you’re implicitly agreeing to. One of those is dealing with the other at their worst - and that includes foul moods. The other is making sacrifices to live as a family unit. He seems to be breaking his neck between work and home, so she needs to do something now. Of course, no one can make her, but the fact that she won’t, even though it’s best for her family (her real family, not her mom and siblings) is what makes me think this is going to end very poorly. Depressed or not, any good wife and mother wants their kids’ dad in the home and the family together. She won’t sacrifice “her” safety net for the family as a whole.

You’ve said yourself that you used to have something of a temper. Would that be an excuse for your husband to insist that you only live with him and your children part time?

 

[Wings]

Wow, busy place here.

1. I intend to ask my wife about her depression and meds. When she first told me of the diagnosis, she made it very clear that she couldn’t handle any more discussion of moving because of her diagnosis.
2. We are running out of things to talk about, period. I don’t discuss work with her (because then the whole extended family hears about it and I have to talk about it with them), and I really don’t have time for hobbies anymore, aside from my hobby of traveling to and from work. Nearly all parish activities require a regular time commitment, so I am on the outside looking in as far as local parish life goes. I just found out we got a new priest the other day. He’s been here for 6 months. We do talk about the kids. And football. I do attend Mass and Confession on the road as much as I can. Most Sundays I make it.
3. The counselor has not mentioned emotional abuse to either of us. The greatest stress time for me was when I worked a job with an extremely erratic work and travel schedule. Basically I was never home long enough to engage at home. There was no outlet. Changing to a different company in my career field relieved a huge amount of that stress for all of us.
4. I give to this household everything I can. I plan and cook all the meals and spend a great deal of time with my children when I’m home, in addition to the usual “manly” duties of keeping our cars and house running (somewhat) smoothly. My two older kids know how to ride two wheelers because I taught them. I take the kids tent-camping to give my wife a break (though I was unable to work this in this past summer), and they LOVE it. My oldest learned how to read because I taught her. While I may not be here much, I pour my soul into this family as best I know how. As the kids get older in school, I know that there are much greater opportunities for parental involvement such as sports teams and such. Under the current arrangement, I will be very, very irregular in “being there” as the years go on and commitments increase. Home life is very, very compressed into a small timeframe. I found myself frequently mowing the lawn in the dark this summer because there wasn’t enough time in the day.
5. An intermediate move was discussed, that would still have me traveling a few hundred miles to work. At the end of the day though, the lifestyle improvement wasn’t going to be worth the high financial cost, with separating from our current network, and ending up further from my wife’s extended family…with me still having to catch a flight to go to work.
6. My largest frustration right now is that I’ve tried every imaginable way to discuss this move and to make it palatable for my wife, while making it very clear that I can’t live under the current arrangement much longer…and it’s still a third-rail topic. I feel completely, 100% disregarded. I’ve written letters to her and received no response. Countless people that I know (as well as some that we both know) have offered to help offer insight into moving into various different cities, and she has refused to talk with them. “Field trips” have been vetoed. I’ve told her that I would make sure she could make it back to see her extended family when she needed, even if that means buying tickets for everyone, but she says she hates to fly with kids (understandable, but it beats driving). I’ve run out of ways to sweeten the deal.
7. At least two of the cities would allow easy non-stop access back to the airport nearest her home. The others would get her within a 3 hour drive after the flight landed.

I appreciate everyone’s thoughts here, but feel we may have exceeded the useful life of this thread. I just really hope our family can figure this out. I believe in this family…if I can just get them to believe in us, together.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Wow, busy place here.

1. I intend to ask my wife about her depression and meds. When she first told me of the diagnosis, she made it very clear that she couldn’t handle any more discussion of moving because of her diagnosis.
2. We are running out of things to talk about, period. I don’t discuss work with her (because then the whole extended family hears about it and I have to talk about it with them), and I really don’t have time for hobbies anymore, aside from my hobby of traveling to and from work. Nearly all parish activities require a regular time commitment, so I am on the outside looking in as far as local parish life goes. I just found out we got a new priest the other day. He’s been here for 6 months. We do talk about the kids. And football. I do attend Mass and Confession on the road as much as I can. Most Sundays I make it.
3. The counselor has not mentioned emotional abuse to either of us. The greatest stress time for me was when I worked a job with an extremely erratic work and travel schedule. Basically I was never home long enough to engage at home. There was no outlet. Changing to a different company in my career field relieved a huge amount of that stress for all of us.
4. I give to this household everything I can. I plan and cook all the meals and spend a great deal of time with my children when I’m home, in addition to the usual “manly” duties of keeping our cars and house running (somewhat) smoothly. My two older kids know how to ride two wheelers because I taught them. I take the kids tent-camping to give my wife a break (though I was unable to work this in this past summer), and they LOVE it. My oldest learned how to read because I taught her. While I may not be here much, I pour my soul into this family as best I know how. As the kids get older in school, I know that there are much greater opportunities for parental involvement such as sports teams and such. Under the current arrangement, I will be very, very irregular in “being there” as the years go on and commitments increase. Home life is very, very compressed into a small timeframe. I found myself frequently mowing the lawn in the dark this summer because there wasn’t enough time in the day.
5. An intermediate move was discussed, that would still have me traveling a few hundred miles to work. At the end of the day though, the lifestyle improvement wasn’t going to be worth the high financial cost, with separating from our current network, and ending up further from my wife’s extended family…with me still having to catch a flight to go to work.
6. My largest frustration right now is that I’ve tried every imaginable way to discuss this move and to make it palatable for my wife, while making it very clear that I can’t live under the current arrangement much longer…and it’s still a third-rail topic. I feel completely, 100% disregarded. I’ve written letters to her and received no response. Countless people that I know (as well as some that we both know) have offered to help offer insight into moving into various different cities, and she has refused to talk with them. “Field trips” have been vetoed. I’ve told her that I would make sure she could make it back to see her extended family when she needed, even if that means buying tickets for everyone, but she says she hates to fly with kids (understandable, but it beats driving). I’ve run out of ways to sweeten the deal.
7. At least two of the cities would allow easy non-stop access back to the airport nearest her home. The others would get her within a 3 hour drive after the flight landed.

I appreciate everyone’s thoughts here, but feel we may have exceeded the useful life of this thread. I just really hope our family can figure this out. I believe in this family…if I can just get them to believe in us, together.

Thank you so much for posting and thank you for being level headed about the subject.

Perhaps she just won’t move period. What will you do then? You’ve made it clear you can’t continue with this. And she has made it clear she won’t move.
So, you may have to decide between your job or your family.

Since we have moved for a career and it turned out badly I can tell you that moving is kinda like having kids. If one person says no, then it’s no.

 

[ThePCWife]

The OP is in a hard situation. I think the best thing to do is just wait the couple of years and work on the wife’s health and building up more relationships around them. That’s probably all that can be done.

 

[Xantippe]

Wow, busy place here.

1. I intend to ask my wife about her depression and meds. When she first told me of the diagnosis, she made it very clear that she couldn’t handle any more discussion of moving because of her diagnosis.
2. We are running out of things to talk about, period. I don’t discuss work with her (because then the whole extended family hears about it and I have to talk about it with them), and I really don’t have time for hobbies anymore, aside from my hobby of traveling to and from work. Nearly all parish activities require a regular time commitment, so I am on the outside looking in as far as local parish life goes. I just found out we got a new priest the other day. He’s been here for 6 months. We do talk about the kids. And football. I do attend Mass and Confession on the road as much as I can. Most Sundays I make it.
3. The counselor has not mentioned emotional abuse to either of us. The greatest stress time for me was when I worked a job with an extremely erratic work and travel schedule. Basically I was never home long enough to engage at home. There was no outlet. Changing to a different company in my career field relieved a huge amount of that stress for all of us.

4)** I give to this household everything I can. I plan and cook all the meals and spend a great deal of time with my children when I’m home, in addition to the usual “manly” duties of keeping our cars and house running (somewhat) smoothly. **My two older kids know how to ride two wheelers because I taught them. I take the kids tent-camping to give my wife a break (though I was unable to work this in this past summer), and they LOVE it. My oldest learned how to read because I taught her. While I may not be here much, I pour my soul into this family as best I know how. As the kids get older in school, I know that there are much greater opportunities for parental involvement such as sports teams and such. Under the current arrangement, I will be very, very irregular in “being there” as the years go on and commitments increase. Home life is very, very compressed into a small timeframe. I found myself frequently mowing the lawn in the dark this summer because there wasn’t enough time in the day.

1. An intermediate move was discussed, that would still have me traveling a few hundred miles to work. At the end of the day though, the lifestyle improvement wasn’t going to be worth the high financial cost, with separating from our current network, and ending up further from my wife’s extended family…with me still having to catch a flight to go to work.
2. My largest frustration right now is that I’ve tried every imaginable way to discuss this move and to make it palatable for my wife, while making it very clear that I can’t live under the current arrangement much longer…and it’s still a third-rail topic. I feel completely, 100% disregarded. I’ve written letters to her and received no response. Countless people that I know (as well as some that we both know) have offered to help offer insight into moving into various different cities, and she has refused to talk with them. “Field trips” have been vetoed. I’ve told her that I would make sure she could make it back to see her extended family when she needed, even if that means buying tickets for everyone, but she says she hates to fly with kids (understandable, but it beats driving). I’ve run out of ways to sweeten the deal.
3. At least two of the cities would allow easy non-stop access back to the airport nearest her home. The others would get her within a 3 hour drive after the flight landed.

I appreciate everyone’s thoughts here, but feel we may have exceeded the useful life of this thread. I just really hope our family can figure this out. I believe in this family…if I can just get them to believe in us, together.

You are doing a lot of stuff when you’re home–but I think you may be misallocating yourself given the limited time you have at home.

Why, for example, would you be mowing the lawn? Any guy with a truck can mow your lawn.

Also, it’s very worrisome that you feel like “B]We are running out of things to talk about, period.”



I feel like your wife and your marriage are getting very short shrift in the way you allocate your time at home. I would mention that possibility in counseling. Your kids need you to have a good relationship with their mother and a decent marriage and they need a mom in good mental health WAY more than they need some sort of manic Disneyland dad.

It may be that one of the things you need to do to improve your quality of life at home is to chill a little more. You don’t need to pack each moment with significance. Just slow down and be their dad.

Also, maybe use counseling to figure out activities for you to do with your wife that will be fun for the two of you? BEL has some good dating advice about watching the movie first, THEN going to dinner that might help you guys find stuff to talk about.

Good luck!

 

[Xantippe]

The OP is in a hard situation. I think the best thing to do is just wait the couple of years and work on the wife’s health and building up more relationships around them. That’s probably all that can be done.

Yep.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The OP is in a hard situation. I think the best thing to do is just wait the couple of years and work on the wife’s health and building up more relationships around them. That’s probably all that can be done.

His situation is not sustainable. Even a cancer patient would be referred to a hospital for treatment in a city with her husband.

You really seem to take for granted how things just “happen”. Is this a life you would tolerate for yourself? Oh, lemme guess, you would somehow switch careers to something in your city while still maintaining the financial commitments they took on at his current salary.

I’m not seeing how he can be expected do this for “a few years”. If he has to switch careers, she’ll probably have to work. Something tells me his wife won’t be up for that either. But something has to give and money doesn’t just magically appear.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I’m sorry you don’t feel like you are getting anywhere. Neither of you sound like bad people, it’s a bad situation. I concur with Xantippe in that maybe it would be better to hire someone to help around the house so you and your wife can spend time together or you could spend time at church.

I don’t have kids but I do have a husband that has to work away a lot and it’s hard. While your spouse is away every part of running a household falls on you plus they often have errands that you have to take over. When my husband comes back for weekends he is exhausted and I am torn between wanting to do something together or wanting him to do something around the house but not wanting to stress him out knowing he will be travelling again soon. I can well imagine with kids I would feel like a single mother albeit with more money.

Your wife clearly doesn’t think she will find things easier if you move right now. When people get depressed they can go into a preservation mode which could be why she isn’t considering how difficult this is for you.

 

[Wings]

I’m not seeing how he can be expected do this for “a few years”.

This is indeed my biggest concern. I understand the logic behind “wait a couple years,” I really do. But these “couple years” are for naught if we are unable to improve our marriage (which I of course want to do). The current situation is less than ideal for our marriage, because it literally divides us, for the sole purpose of staying near people that aren’t in our family…by choice. That hurts a great deal when I’m sitting alone in a cheap hotel on my off time.

What if the “couple years” are a success? Then, does it become “Life is so great here now, why would we leave?” I have asked this very question and have been told that “We can’t talk about that right now,” which concerns me. Keep in mind that in a couple years my daughter will be 8 years old and nearing the time when I hear moving isn’t the best idea…

 

[Xantippe]

**His situation is not sustainable. ** Even a cancer patient would be referred to a hospital for treatment in a city with her husband.

You really seem to take for granted how things just “happen”. Is this a life you would tolerate for yourself? Oh, lemme guess, you would somehow switch careers to something in your city while still maintaining the financial commitments they took on at his current salary.

I’m not seeing how he can be expected do this for “a few years”. If he has to switch careers, she’ll probably have to work. Something tells me his wife won’t be up for that either. But something has to give and money doesn’t just magically appear.

One of the things he can fix is not going flat-out on home stuff when he is home, but slowing down and being more strategic.

He doesn’t need to continue doing exactly what he has been doing at home–that indeed would be unsustainable. There is a possibility that the stuff he currently does at home (even if it is well-meant) is stressing his wife out. (Have you ever had a high energy house guest who helped so much that you can’t wait for them to go away?) Plus, adopting a sustainable pace of work at home gives his wife a more realistic picture of what the life she has chosen looks like. I would suggest being more strategic and having more balance when he’s at home and increasing fun couple time–the time split he describes is something like 50% kid time and 50% housework, and I would suggest he needs both more down time and more fun couple time.

The reason that TPC and a lot of others of us have so much faith in the effect of time and patience and just chugging along and making incremental improvements is that we’ve done this and been through this (or something similar), sometimes multiple times, at least the wife’s (or stay at home dad’s) mental health aspect. When one has been through the crazy and sad a number of times, seen friends in real life go through it, and seen online friends (for example on CAF) go through it (sounding crazy and sad and obsessive–check out the CAF new mom threads!) and come out on the other side sounding OK and functioning like an actual adult, one starts to have a lot of hope about this sort of situation.

Also, I can’t find it right now, but there’s a stat that says that a very large percentage of unhappy marriages become happy marriages after five years. I feel like the OP is a very good candidate for being one of those success stories.

Not to scare you off from parenthood, but what the OP describes is actually more common than you might imagine with a mother of small children. As I mention from time to time, aside from the well-known mental health risks of pregnancy and new motherhood, being a SAHP is also a big risk factor for depression. Some really bad brain chemistry can start happening for women who are pregnant, new moms, and/or SAHMs, especially when isolated. (And as Hoosier Daddy can tell you, this can affect SAHDs, too.)

That is not to say that one should be overconfident or too laissez faire (I could still kick a friend’s husband who was wanting her to pull herself up by her socks because he doesn’t believe in modern psychology when she was having thoughts of self harm–he was taking an enormous risk with his wife’s and his children’s lives). It’s pretty unpopular on the forum, but I do mention Andrea Yates from time to time. Maternal depression is an emergency, especially when mom spends as much time alone as she does in the OP’s wife’s case. I want the OP to treat his wife’s depression as if he had just found out that his house is on fire–it is that serious.

dallasnews.com/news/crime/2016/03/31/missing-frisco-mother-found-dead-in-vehicle-3-children-alive

If the OP’s wife thinks she can’t cope with a relocation, I would take that VERY seriously. Rusty Yates thought that his wife could totally cope with a new baby even when she told him she needed a break, and look where that got them.

The OP’s wife’s returning to work (especially part time) might actually be really good for her–social interaction, a schedule, getting away from the kids more, etc. I believed she was working not too long ago.

They haven’t had the “current salary” all that long, so hopefully there aren’t many large financial commitments yet. (I may have mentioned earlier in this thread that my young pilot cousin was making $18k a year when he was paying his dues–he and his wife were the frugalest frugals that ever frugaled during that period.) In any case, “large financial commitments” could be an obstacle to relocation.

 

[Xantippe]

This is indeed my biggest concern. I understand the logic behind “wait a couple years,” I really do. But these “couple years” are for naught if we are unable to improve our marriage (which I of course want to do). The current situation is less than ideal for our marriage, because it literally divides us, for the sole purpose of staying near people that aren’t in our family…by choice. That hurts a great deal when I’m sitting alone in a cheap hotel on my off time.

What if the “couple years” are a success? Then, does it become “Life is so great here now, why would we leave?” I have asked this very question and have been told that “We can’t talk about that right now,” which concerns me. Keep in mind that in a couple years my daughter will be 8 years old and nearing the time when I hear moving isn’t the best idea…

Isn’t that kind of like the old joke–it would be terrible if I liked broccoli, because then I would eat it, and broccoli is terrible?

If you actually created a sustainable life for yourself on this schedule, your wife got more functional, happier, more fun, you did stuff together, you got to resume your proper place in the master bedroom, etc., wouldn’t everything be more doable?

Is it really the time away that is the problem or what life is like when you’re home? Or, to look at it differently, how would you feel about having 2X your current lifestyle at home? Do you really want more of the same, or do you want something better?

I think you’re putting way too much weight on the relocation as something to make you happier, when your existing home life isn’t that amazing (at least the marriage side of it). As I may have said earlier, a relocation would mean (under the best of circumstances) at least a year of treading water because of the chaos and inefficiency produced by moving and settling in in a new area. Nobody’s marriage gets better during a move, especially not with a houseful of little children.

Also, as HD was saying (or something close to what he was saying), it takes two people happy with the move to make it a succesful move. You’re not going to move a wife who is ambivalent about the move and wind up with a happy family.

I think both of you have tunnel vision about the move–you for, her against. You can see the ridiculousness of her not even wanting to talk about or research it, but I would suggest that you also have an Underpants Gnomes things going with the move idea. Here’s what it sounds like:

1. Move depressed wife!
2. ???
3. Happy wife and family!

I think you need to think a lot harder about Step 2 in that sequence. I think you will find that there is a lot of Step 2 stuff you can do right now where you are. For example, you can provide your wife some accountability for her depression treatment while you are on the road–if you keep yourself informed as to what her treatment plan is.

Also, don’t be borrowing trouble by worrying about the distant future. Work for six month at making things better and then evaluate the situation and make another six month plan. As the kid says in Meet the Robinsons, Keep Moving Forward. Or as Dory from Finding Nemo says, Just keep swimming!