Moving Out of State--Major Marital Struggle

[Xantippe]

If he leaves his job to care for her, their lives will change drastically. Have you ever seen what happens when someone has to leave a job due to illness in the family?

If they have a house payment on a home they bought on his much larger salary, they may lose it and end up in an apartment or with relatives. If the kids are in private school, there’s a good chance that’s over. If they have any loans or credit cards or other debt assumed under a much higher income, they could drown in interest. Car payments? Here’s hoping they can make them.** Ultimately, she will probably have to get a job too, and judging from this thread, she really wouldn’t want that. **

Cancer treatment centers bend over backwards to try to help partners and parents of the sick person keep working (chemo at 10pm anyone?) because financial concerns are so enormous to the patient, caretaker, and whole family. I’m having a very hard time justifying this extreme action over depression she refuses to treat when if it were a tumor, her oncologist would refer them to services and info to help him work while she goes through treatment - yes, even if it meant transferring to another hospital.

Just leaving a skilled job for something more local will slash their income to a fraction of what it was. I hate to be a party pooper, but money is a harsh fact of life and necessary to a family. I really can’t think of any job a pilot can switch to and make even 45k annually right off the bat with no training - and even 45 would be a huge step down.

She has a choice, accept treatment for her depression or not. ** But quitting his job to care for her, especially when she’s refusing to try, could ruin them financially for years.**

He’s already working like crazy to support a wife who doesn’t want to budge to make it even a tiny bit easier. How do you all expect him to be superman and continue this level of support, only without a job? The only way I can think of is to take up counterfeiting.

I believe the OP’s wife was working until fairly recently–in fact they probably would not have been able to survive as a family solely on the type of salary he would have been making while paying his dues in the industry. (That was certainly the case for my young pilot cousin and his family.)

So I feel like people are too quickly dismissing the possibility that the OP’s wife would ever be able to make a substantial contribution.

However, whether they can or can’t manage isn’t really relevant if she does collapse and he is forced to give up his current job. The time may come where keeping his current job isn’t even an option, no matter what their current financial obligations are. His ability to keep his current job (no matter where he lives) depends on having a wife at home who has it more or less together–and that is very much in doubt at this point.

You wrote: “She has a choice, accept treatment for her depression or not. But quitting his job to care for her, especially when she’s refusing to try, could ruin them financially for years.”

BEL, I love you dearly, but I’m not really hearing you presenting him good options for coping with his wife. If she spirals down, what is he supposed to do? Divorce her? I’ve already run through the flow chart of results for that, and the likely results are that either he will have to quit his job to parent his children, or the kids will wind up living with an untreated depressed mom 50% of the time. (My older pilot relative had the bright idea of marrying a nice lady–my auntie–to parent his children for him while he was climbing the ladder, but given that he eventually left her, too, I can’t really recommend that model, either on practical or moral grounds.)

 

[BlueEyedLady]

BEL, I love you dearly, but I’m not really hearing you presenting him good options for coping with his wife. If she spirals down, what is he supposed to do? Divorce her? I’ve already run through the flow chart of results for that, and the likely results are that either he will have to quit his job to parent his children, or the kids will wind up living with an untreated depressed mom 50% of the time. (My older pilot relative had the bright idea of marrying a nice lady–my auntie–to parent his children for him while he was climbing the ladder, but given that he eventually left her, too, I can’t really recommend that model, either on practical or moral grounds.)

I’m very skeptical that his wife can be coped with. But in the meantime, I think all he can do is document and wait to see what happens.

Quitting his job to work “in management” somewhere like someone else suggested is a pipe dream. If he doesn’t know anything about working in another industry, and has no specific software skills, it’s just not going to happen.

I don’t know his wife, so I wouldn’t want to suggest more, and certainly not before he saw a lawyer. But he may need to open an honest discussion about their marriage, what those commitments mean, and what she sees the future looking like, especially for him. An honest conversation about the choice she’s making here and what it means for their family might be a wakeup call. It might also be time for him to start putting money aside, etc. But again, that’s a see a lawyer thing first.

This isn’t so much that I think he should divorce, I don’t. I just think there are a lot of signs here that it may not be his choice.

You’re always so sensible about money, I can’t believe you think he should just give up the sole source of household income. If this woman is so frail that he needs to leave his job and mess with his family’s future to take care of her because she won’t take meds, maybe more drastic intervention is needed and the kids need to stay with family for a couple months while mom gets help.

She doesn’t get to hold everyone hostage, and your implications that she could kill her kids if he doesn’t come home and tend to her is a very strong argument against her being in the house right now at all, not an argument that he needs to go fix this. He isn’t qualified to be responsible for something like that, and it’s cruel to put it on his shoulders.

 

[pianistclare]

I’m very skeptical that his wife can be coped with. But in the meantime, I think all he can do is document and wait to see what happens.

Quitting his job to work “in management” somewhere like someone else suggested is a pipe dream. If he doesn’t know anything about working in another industry, and has no specific software skills, it’s just not going to happen.

I don’t know his wife, so I wouldn’t want to suggest more, and certainly not before he saw a lawyer. But he may need to open an honest discussion about their marriage, what those commitments mean, and what she sees the future looking like, especially for him. An honest conversation about the choice she’s making here and what it means for their family might be a wakeup call. It might also be time for him to start putting money aside, etc. But again, that’s a see a lawyer thing first.

This isn’t so much that I think he should divorce, I don’t. I just think there are a lot of signs here that it may not be his choice.

You’re always so sensible about money, I can’t believe you think he should just give up the sole source of household income. If this woman is so frail that he needs to leave his job and mess with his family’s future to take care of her because she won’t take meds, maybe more drastic intervention is needed and the kids need to stay with family for a couple months while mom gets help.

She doesn’t get to hold everyone hostage, and your implications that she could kill her kids if he doesn’t come home and tend to her is a very strong argument against her being in the house right now at all, not an argument that he needs to go fix this. He isn’t qualified to be responsible for something like that, and it’s cruel to put it on his shoulders.

Yes. Even very junior pilots make a chunk of money. That’s hoe she has been able to be a SAHM. She definitely needs amakir consult with her physician and spouse. Praying for them.

 

[ThePCWife]

I would think already burning herself out taking care of very closely spaced children is a sign that she’s willing to sacrifice to support him as a wife and mother of his children, but apparently she needs to sacrifice more of her body and her health so he can mow the lawn at night even more often instead of hiring a service and taking all the kids during the day?

 

[Xantippe]

I’m very skeptical that his wife can be coped with. But in the meantime, I think all he can do is document and wait to see what happens.

Quitting his job to work “in management” somewhere like someone else suggested is a pipe dream. If he doesn’t know anything about working in another industry, and has no specific software skills, it’s just not going to happen.

I don’t know his wife, so I wouldn’t want to suggest more, and certainly not before he saw a lawyer. But he may need to open an honest discussion about their marriage, what those commitments mean, and what she sees the future looking like, especially for him. An honest conversation about the choice she’s making here and what it means for their family might be a wakeup call. It might also be time for him to start putting money aside, etc. But again, that’s a see a lawyer thing first.

This isn’t so much that I think he should divorce, I don’t. I just think there are a lot of signs here that it may not be his choice.

You’re always so sensible about money, I can’t believe you think he should just give up the sole source of household income. If this woman is so frail that he needs to leave his job and mess with his family’s future to take care of her because she won’t take meds, maybe more drastic intervention is needed and the kids need to stay with family for a couple months while mom gets help.

She doesn’t get to hold everyone hostage, and your implications that she could kill her kids if he doesn’t come home and tend to her is a very strong argument against her being in the house right now at all, not an argument that he needs to go fix this. He isn’t qualified to be responsible for something like that, and it’s cruel to put it on his shoulders.

I would not be in a hurry to throw away a good job, but I think this job may not be one he can hold onto, given how things have deteriorated on the home front.

For a family with minor children, a job like that with a lot of travel requires a very solid team effort from the spouse at home. The at-home spouse needs to be rock solid.

It would be very difficult for most of us to find family who would take three little kids for a couple of months, but (looking on the bright side), she might well have that with her family that she is so close to and that they live within easy driving distance of. I have been mentioning previously that it may be time for the OP to speak frankly to his wife’s family. I have qualms about this, because it’s the sort of thing that once you do, you can’t undo, but if she’s depressed and will not accept treatment but she is close to her family, it actually makes a lot of sense to appeal to her family and ask for their support.

But as long as they are married, he has no legal right to take the children away from his wife–he would have to persuade her to let him send the kids to family. Most options involve persuading her to do stuff she doesn’t want to.

I have been trying to talk the OP out of his somewhat magical thinking that all he has to do is move his depressed wife to an area with a convenient commute for him and everything will be totally awesome.

I have also been encouraging him to know as much as he can about her condition and treatment plan. It sounds like he knows more than he did when the discussion here started (which is good), but this is just the beginning. He needs to know everything there is to know.

 

[Xantippe]

Also, if they’re going to need a lot of help from family and friends going forward, that would be a strong argument for not relocating at this point.

 

[Zelie_Louis]

Some situations are beyond the scope of an internet forum. Please seek and heed the advice of professionals only.