Moving out this summer after I turn 18, can't deal with my parents anymore

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LadyJoan

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In about one month I’ll be finally turning 18 years old. I’ve been counting down to the day when I would be old enough to move out and be on my own since I was 11. This is because my parents and I don’t get along very well at all. It’s a long story.

My mother is very religious and so is my dad but not to the extremes that she is. The problem with this is that she expects me to be the same. Most of the time I honestly feel like she cares about nothing except praying. We argue all the time, and I just can’t stand it anymore.

There was a devotion she started doing some years ago that I did with her even though I didn’t believe in it, just because I didn’t want to argue with her about it, but it still managed to cause many arguments, specially because on thursdays you’re supposed to do the prayers from 11pm to 3am. It’s called the Devotion to the Precious Blood (the one by Barnabus Nowye) Finally last year I told her I didn’t believe it and I wouldn’t pray it anymore, and of course she got mad telling me that I had to do it because Jesus said so in the book. Anyway, even though she still tries to argue with me about it I don’t do it. I pray the rosary and the divine mercy chaplet almost everyday, but that doesn’t matter to her. She gets mad because I won’t do the other devotion, and acts as if I’m going to become an atheist someday because of that, and because I don’t want to go to church every single day. In her opinion if she doesn’t drown me in religion, that’s exactly what will happen. But all it’s done is push me further from the church. When I was 14 for a while I was depressed and wasn’t even sure I believed in God anymore. Now I do believe in God and I do pray and go to mass on sundays, and I know I will never become an atheist. My mom is also obsessed with the end times, and I am so utterly tired of hearing about it. She’ll believe anyone who says that God is talking to them and telling them about the end of the world. She even thinks that people shouldn’t bother getting married or having kids anymore because the end is so close.

One of the reasons I was depressed at 14, besides not getting along with mom and the whole thing about religion, was because I was very lonely. I’ve been homeschool-ed all my life, but I never got to be in home school groups or clubs or youth groups. I only have one friend who lives in my area and I almost never see her anymore. When I was younger I saw her a bit more often but I was never allowed to go see her alone, my dad always had to be with me, and since he has to work of course he couldn’t take me that much. I was never allowed to sleep over at her house either, even though we knew her and her parents for 5 years at the time, and they are very good people. I’ve pretty much spent most of my life at home, the only times I go out are with my parents, and they can’t be going out all the time because mom has back pain and dad gets too tired. Many times my friend’s parents offered to take me to the mall with her or just to go and have some fun at her house but my parents always said no. They said it was “too dangerous”. They’re always so paranoid and overprotective.

The only real friends I’ve had who I could really talk to are other teens I met online, and trust me I know that meeting people online can be dangerous, but I know these people are who they say they are. They’ve been there for me when I was lonely and sad and didn’t feel like waking up anymore. My parents never even noticed I was depressed. They always said that keeping me home was for my own good, but how could it be good when it made me feel so sad?

I’m tired of arguing with mom all the time over everything, I just want to live my life, and have some good clean fun, and be with other people my age in person. I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters, but they are all adults and don’t live with us. Only my oldest sister comes to visit us every year, and I love her like crazy, but even with her, mom gets into ridiculous fights. My mom wants to control everything and everyone, and if she can’t have it her way she gets angry and starts yelling. She blames everyone else when something goes wrong, its never her fault. In her opinion simply defending yourself in an argument is being disrespectful.

So there’s all the reasons I want to move out. Last June I met a guy online, he’s 18, and a devout catholic. We became very good friends and he is a wonderful person. If it wasn’t for him I may have even become depressed again. I’ve talked to him on webcam, and met his parents too so I know he’s real. I also added him on facebook. He and I are in a long distance relationship since December. My parents know that he and I are friends, but if they knew he was my boyfriend I know they’d be mad. Not just because we met online, but because my mom doesn’t want me to date anyone, period. I’m planning to go to the same college he’s going to this fall, and its not just because of him that I’m going there. It’s a very good catholic college and many of the students have been homeschooled too, so I’d fit right in. I’ve told him all about the situation with my mom and he told his parents, and they offered to me that I could come and live with them and him this summer. I’d be able to finally get out on my own!

I can get a job and save money and then I can go to college in the fall. I’m pretty sure I want to do this, but I’m still a bit worried. After all I’m going to be leaving my parents for the first time and going to another state. But this is the only way I can start to live my own life. Things will never get better with my mom, I’ve tried for years to make things better but its no use. I know my parents love me, I know they care about me, but they don’t care about how I feel. I’ve had enough, I want out. I guess I just want some of your opinions on my situation…
 
I can understand why you are anxious to leave home. The college you are going away to is real and seems to be a solid choice, so it is somewhat less of a concern whether or not the boyfriend turns out to be a great match in person. It doesn’t always go that way, but you will manage, either way, because you’re not sending yourself off to meet him in a setting where you will be dependent on (and therefore vulnerable to) him or his family.

I was not in any huge hurry to get away from home, and going away was still a profitable experience. I know you have chosen a Catholic college, but do arrange before you get there to find a spiritual director. You do need to put safeguards on your chastity, even with a very good Catholic fellow on a campus full of Catholics. Nature has a power that can be seen in the power of water. People are very often surprised by how shallow flood waters have to be in order to sweep them away. Do not underestimate the power of attraction God has designed to bind couples together, do not be arrogant about your own power to withstand temptation, and I think you will do well.

Have you talked to your father about your hopes to go to this college? Yes, you can move out and try to accomplish all of this on your own, but it will be easier if you have the backing of your parents. Do not burn bridges you are not forced to burn.
 
Sory to hear of your troubles. I’m glad to hear that you have maintained your faith in spite of it all. Not everyone would.

I can understand why you feel this way, and going away to college will probably be a great (if challenging) opportunity for you to strike out on your own.

Are your parents the one’s paying for your college? If so, be aware that moving out at 18 may carry with it financial repercussions. You’ll want to be prepared for that.

Of course, I don’t know you personally nor know the whole story, but I would encourage you not to close the door on any type of future relationship with your parents. As you transition to adulthood, you’ll need to think through the type of relationship you want to have with them and set boundaries accordingly.

Is there a priest you could talk to about all this? I would recommend trying to find someone that you can talk to in person. I know that would probably be a challenge for you given your story, but it sounds like your parents would be okay with you wanting to go to Confession. So go to Confession and talk to the priest. And if you need more time, inquire about spiritual direction.

I will pray for you.
 
It must be very difficult not to have anyone your age to socialize with. I do have a question- you said that your parents “never noticed that you were depressed”? Did you tell them about how you were feeling, or expect them to notice and do something about it? If you have not tried talking with them about it, please do. They may be more interested than you think in getting you some help.

If you do not feel that you can talk with your parents, could you talk to one of your older siblings? They know what it’s like to grow up in your household and could maybe provide some emotional support to you.

Alternatively, could you set up a meeting with your priest? Presumably your parents would be okay with that. It sounds like you do need to talk to someone, if you feel depressed please do seek some help.

About your online friend (I hesitate to call him your “boyfriend”- it sounds as though you have never met, and no matter how much skyping you do, it’s not the same. Wait to date him in real-life before you decide that he is your boyfriend.) I don’t really think it is wise to move out into a strange house with people you have only ever met online, no matter how eager you are to leave. The summer is only a few months- if you really cannot bear it, can you stay with one of your siblings? You will be living at college soon enough, even if it doesn’t seem like it. What happens if these people are not who you thought they were? Where will you go? How will you earn money to live?

I think your best bet is to find someone you can talk to- a sibling, a priest, a counselor, etc. And wait out the time you have left until you can leave for college.
 
You have every right to move out and start a life of your own, however, stand by for major drama when you make the announcement. Tell your parents with your bags packed, and the taxi waiting in the driveway. The arrangement with your boyfriends parents sounds good now, but you should have a back up plan in case it doesn’t work out. You have had a very closed, sheltered life and you must be very careful in the coming years that you don’t trust the wrong people or make the wrong decisions. Stay in school, no matter what and stay close to Jesus in the Eucharist; everything will work out.
 
Lorelei12 said:
It must be very difficult not to have anyone your age to socialize with. I do have a question- you said that your parents “never noticed that you were depressed”? Did you tell them about how you were feeling, or expect them to notice and do something about it? If you have not tried talking with them about it, please do. They may be more interested than you think in getting you some help.

If you do not feel that you can talk with your parents, could you talk to one of your older siblings? They know what it’s like to grow up in your household and could maybe provide some emotional support to you.

Alternatively, could you set up a meeting with your priest? Presumably your parents would be okay with that. It sounds like you do need to talk to someone, if you feel depressed please do seek some help.

About your online friend (I hesitate to call him your “boyfriend”- it sounds as though you have never met, and no matter how much skyping you do, it’s not the same. Wait to date him in real-life before you decide that he is your boyfriend.) I don’t really think it is wise to move out into a strange house with people you have only ever met online, no matter how eager you are to leave. The summer is only a few months- if you really cannot bear it, can you stay with one of your siblings? You will be living at college soon enough, even if it doesn’t seem like it. What happens if these people are not who you thought they were? Where will you go? How will you earn money to live?

I think your best bet is to find someone you can talk to- a sibling, a priest, a counselor, etc. And wait out the time you have left until you can leave for college.
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I told them I felt sad and lonely, and they just said I had no reason to feel that way. I can’t talk to a priest. Last time my sister came to visit she just said hello to the priest at church as we were leaving, and mom got mad at her for it. So there’s no way they’d be okay with me talking to him. I have talked to my sister about everything at home (and she’s seen it too of course) but there’s nothing she can do about it. My parents are planning to move in with my oldest sister before summer hopefully, so I’d still be stuck with them there, and all my other siblings live in California, and I don’t want to go there, plus I barely know them really…

I know these people are who they say they are, I googled his father’s name and found proof. I trust this boy, I really do. I’m still nervous though… About telling my parents I’m leaving :confused: I don’t want to stay with my parents this summer and if I move in with him, he said there’s lots of jobs in the area, I could save my money and then get my own place next summer maybe.
 
You’ve gotten some good advice above and I think you are wise to put some distance between yourself and your parents. At some point we all need to learn to live on our own. I have friends whose parents were a bit like yours in the overprotective department and their children only learned how to be very crafty at hiding things from their parents.

Your mother sounds very devout, but quite overzealous in her faith. While it’s lovely to pray together as a family, I think expecting you to take up a devotion and pray nightly into the wee hours is excessive.

As others have said, don’t put all your eggs in the boyfriend basket but do enjoy the college experience. Make friends. Join clubs. You may find opportunities to stay on campus for the summer. Maybe there will be some classes you can take or perhaps a service project you will be involved in. I went to a catholic college also and there were often summer derive trips to other countries or even a different area of the US.

Good luck!
 
Thanks for the advice everyone 🙂

I hope everything will turn out well, and I’m very excited to start living my life and to go to college! Please Keep me in your prayers 🙂
 
I think you are making the right decision to move out, as it sounds like an unhealthy situation.
The only thing which I would say is that once your mum sees you standing on your own feet and stops thinking of you as a child but rather as an adult, your relationship may well change.
I could have written some of what you wrote when I was your age, but with a bit of distance between us (and grandchildren who she was keen to visit) we have re-established our relationship on an adult footing.
It sounds like your mum is really afraid that you may drift away from the church and that she might lose you, so she is doing everything possible to keep hold of you. I would try to keep the lines of communication open with your parents but I think a bit of distance would help a lot.
God Bless.
 
Lady Joan,

I understand your frustration and desire to be on your own. I have some suggestions, but what you do is up to you. They are suggestions only:
  1. When you move out (and you should) give some thought to finding a place that is at least 300 miles distant from your parents. Maybe there is another county in your state you could live in. If you have ever been interested in another State give it a shot. But review a few places on line, check out the jobs, cost of living and different community services. Do a little research before deciding what to do.
You could even look up local Parishes, and I would do that so you have a familiar place to go and become involved with those of Faith. You will need this, and a good Confessor. Your parents approach to life in general and the Faith is dysfunctional and you need to overcome your own problems related to that.

It will be hard, and you will find you experience a lot of emotions you won’t even expect. You may even find that you miss your parents control and seek it out in others. This is why you need to be careful about any “boyfriend” ideas. Please, please wait on this for at least 2 years while living on your own. I found I needed 2 years to really discover my own personality, faults and issues before really coping well.

Get some counseling as soon as you can, especially when you do move out. And as far as College, you may want to wait a year. If you do leave the State you will need to in order to get resident tuition rates. Also, since you have been home schooled you may not really have a good idea how to handle a more formal educational setting, the demands, how long to study to get the grade etc. You should see a good academic counselor when you finally enroll. A year’s wait will give you time for some self discovery without the stress of grades and work.

You may certainly PM me. I will be glad to be your friend on line if you like. You just have a lot to do based on what you have said. I pray for your success.
 
You’ve already received a huge amount of good advice here, and I wish you the very best. 🙂

Please be aware that unless your school is one of the handful in the US which doesn’t accept federal or state financial aid, they will require financial forms from your parents–specifically, tax forms. I come from a dysfunctional family, too, albeit one that is dysfunctional in a different way from yours. When I left home at 18, one of the ways they tried to sabotage my efforts was to delay getting me these forms until it was too late for me to get various kinds of financial aid. Until you’re 23 or married, schools require these forms, period.

However, there is a way to get around this requirement. It’s tedious and can be triggering.

If they refuse to get you this information, go to (or call) your school’s financial aid office. Explain that you want to gain independent status. You’ll probably run into a few roadblocks because the process, as I said, is tedious. I was actually told by two separate counselors that it isn’t possible, but it is.

Your school will have a system in place in which they’ll need you to fill out a fair amount of paperwork for this. You’ll need to write an essay explaining the family situation and why you cannot get these documents. Generally speaking, you’ll need to demonstrate gross dysfunctionality, prior abuse, and estrangement. It sounds as though you’ve got all of those areas covered. You also may need statements from one or two other people. These statements are kept entirely confidential; your parents will not be contacted by the school about them. I suggest that your older sister might be a good choice, and that once you’ve started counseling, your counselor may be able to write something similar.

Don’t let something as petty as a few financial aid forms keep you from an education and the freedom which comes with it. Both my sister and I went through this process, and we both got our independent status. Do be aware that having to write extensively about the family situation and present it to a stranger can be upsetting and can bring back a lot of bad memories. It’s worth it, though.

Best of luck to you, and if you need help with the financial aid process, PM me. I’ve been there, first in getting my independent status and then in getting my sister’s.
 
UbiCaritus,

A very good post. Frankly, I think that once a person is 18 and moves out on their own and can show at least one years independence it should not be so hard for them to deal with the financial end of getting an education. But, as you advised our friend here, it can be done, and she should not give up. A good counselor is in order too.
 
Well, first of all, if you’re 18 and living at home, it’s still important t obey your parents as far as the Commandments, but your frustration is not lost on me. I’m a little 😃 older than you and I still do listen to my parents. 👍

There is some wisdom in your parents concern because, well, one of the things that does concern me about homeschooled kids is I just wonder if they really know how bad and evil the world is. I even wonder about that from older Catholic clergy, and let me assure you things in our culture are not getting any better. Some disingenuous folks may try and go out and shock you with all kinds of nonsense for the purpose of trying to change you and pull you away from a Faith they see as archaic and/or meaningless. 🤷

Second, meeting someone once or a few times does not mean you know they are legitimate or even what you may think. I’ve met Catholic women on-line before too, who weren’t exactly what they appeared to be, so be open about that. I think you’re in a good situation though if you’ve at least met him and his parents and are going to see each other at the same college, so you’ll be able to date in person.

Overall, I like the plan that you have. I suspect that your relationship with your parents may actually improve once you get out, but given that your older sister still has problems with your Mom when she comes home, I guess I’d be mindful of that in your case too.
 
UbiCaritas said:
You’ve already received a huge amount of good advice here, and I wish you the very best. 🙂

Please be aware that unless your school is one of the handful in the US which doesn’t accept federal or state financial aid, they will require financial forms from your parents–specifically, tax forms. I come from a dysfunctional family, too, albeit one that is dysfunctional in a different way from yours. When I left home at 18, one of the ways they tried to sabotage my efforts was to delay getting me these forms until it was too late for me to get various kinds of financial aid. Until you’re 23 or married, schools require these forms, period.

However, there is a way to get around this requirement. It’s tedious and can be triggering.

If they refuse to get you this information, go to (or call) your school’s financial aid office. Explain that you want to gain independent status. You’ll probably run into a few roadblocks because the process, as I said, is tedious. I was actually told by two separate counselors that it isn’t possible, but it is.

Your school will have a system in place in which they’ll need you to fill out a fair amount of paperwork for this. You’ll need to write an essay explaining the family situation and why you cannot get these documents. Generally speaking, you’ll need to demonstrate gross dysfunctionality, prior abuse, and estrangement. It sounds as though you’ve got all of those areas covered. You also may need statements from one or two other people. These statements are kept entirely confidential; your parents will not be contacted by the school about them. I suggest that your older sister might be a good choice, and that once you’ve started counseling, your counselor may be able to write something similar.

Don’t let something as petty as a few financial aid forms keep you from an education and the freedom which comes with it. Both my sister and I went through this process, and we both got our independent status. Do be aware that having to write extensively about the family situation and present it to a stranger can be upsetting and can bring back a lot of bad memories. It’s worth it, though.

Best of luck to you, and if you need help with the financial aid process, PM me. I’ve been there, first in getting my independent status and then in getting my sister’s.
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Thanks for the information! Actually I started signing up/applying on the FAFSA site yesterday and today my dad is helping me with all the info that needs to be put in like the taxes thing, is that what you meant? I have a feeling that even after I left if i needed help with those things my dad would still help me even if mom didn’t want him to, but I can’t be sure.
 
SuperLuigi said:
Well, first of all, if you’re 18 and living at home, it’s still important t obey your parents as far as the Commandments, but your frustration is not lost on me. I’m a little 😃 older than you and I still do listen to my parents. 👍

There is some wisdom in your parents concern because, well, one of the things that does concern me about homeschooled kids is I just wonder if they really know how bad and evil the world is. I even wonder about that from older Catholic clergy, and let me assure you things in our culture are not getting any better. Some disingenuous folks may try and go out and shock you with all kinds of nonsense for the purpose of trying to change you and pull you away from a Faith they see as archaic and/or meaningless. 🤷

Second, meeting someone once or a few times does not mean you know they are legitimate or even what you may think. I’ve met Catholic women on-line before too, who weren’t exactly what they appeared to be, so be open about that. I think you’re in a good situation though if you’ve at least met him and his parents and are going to see each other at the same college, so you’ll be able to date in person.

Overall, I like the plan that you have. I suspect that your relationship with your parents may actually improve once you get out, but given that your older sister still has problems with your Mom when she comes home, I guess I’d be mindful of that in your case too.
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I still listen to my parents when the things they want or say are actually reasonable but a lot of the time they’re not. While I can understand they’d be worried about me not knowing enough about the world I do know some things. Being on the Internet as much as I have, and seeing what people talk about (Not on this site) I can clearly see there certainly is a lot of evil in the world, but of course there’s also a lot of good! I’ve met multiple people online who have tried to change my mind about believing in Faith and in God but obviously they never managed to change my mind 🙂
 
LadyJoan said:
Thanks for the information! Actually I started signing up/applying on the FAFSA site yesterday and today my dad is helping me with all the info that needs to be put in like the taxes thing, is that what you meant? I have a feeling that even after I left if i needed help with those things my dad would still help me even if mom didn’t want him to, but I can’t be sure.
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Yep, that’s the kind of information I’m talking about. I’m very glad he’s helping you now, and hope he continues to do so in the future.

My parents helped me with this information the first year, too, but when I decided to transfer to a school of which they didn’t approve, they became less and less cooperative. My case was probably somewhat different from yours, though. I’d initially gone to a very Catholic school on the understanding that my parents would support me and pay the tuition, fees, etc while I was there. However, they didn’t do that after the first few months, so I transferred to a community college to avoid going into significant debt. They were embarrassed by the fact that I was attending a community college, though I had warned them that I would go to a CC if they didn’t hold up their end of the agreement. (There was a lot more backstory than that, but this’ll suffice for here.) As a result, I ended up having to get independent status in order to have my financial aid forms processed.

As I said, I sincerely hope he’ll continue to help you with this, but just in case he doesn’t and/or your mom, once you’re gone, puts so much pressure on him that he won’t, you now know you have another option. 🙂
 
LadyJoan said:
I told them I felt sad and lonely, and they just said I had no reason to feel that way. I can’t talk to a priest. Last time my sister came to visit she just said hello to the priest at church as we were leaving, and mom got mad at her for it. So there’s no way they’d be okay with me talking to him. I have talked to my sister about everything at home (and she’s seen it too of course) but there’s nothing she can do about it. My parents are planning to move in with my oldest sister before summer hopefully, so I’d still be stuck with them there, and all my other siblings live in California, and I don’t want to go there, plus I barely know them really…

I know these people are who they say they are, I googled his father’s name and found proof. I trust this boy, I really do. I’m still nervous though… About telling my parents I’m leaving :confused: I don’t want to stay with my parents this summer and if I move in with him, he said there’s lots of jobs in the area, I could save my money and then get my own place next summer maybe.
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I didn’t mean you should suspect that these are bad people or anything, but choosing a college in order to be with a boyfriend, even one you have dated for a long time, is not a good idea. If you go on the outs with him, it poisons you on the college. If the college is not right for you, it poisons you on him. I have seen these things happen. That is why it is good that both the college and the boyfriend seem to be ones you might easily have chosen if you were very happy at home, each on its own merits. That really is excellent.

As for your mother, I don’t know any “very religious” people who won’t talk to their pastor and aren’t pleased when their children so much as say “hello”. This absolutely includes those who homeschool, even those who think their pastors are too liberal. They may not like their politics, but they still respect the priesthood and the station of a pastor. I’m getting the idea that you don’t have a very religious mother so much as you have a very controlling mother who has a very odd relationship with religion. (Is it possible that your pastor is a confessor who may have advised your mother that she is wrong? I wonder.) It is also very telling that you barely know your own siblings. If they avoid your parents, I’m guessing they will be very sympathetic towards you!

I am beginning to gather that you are essentially living under house arrest. Yes, get what guidance and support you can from your siblings, and get out as quickly and with as little drama as possible. It is no lie to be discrete in order to avoid strife, not when you are withholding information that the person in question does not have a right to know. Your parents do not have a right to know what your plans are when you reach majority. I think you are wise to keep those cards close to your vest, except as you have described with your dad. Besides, it is possible that your mother may have some serious mental issues. It is better not to upset her, not when there isn’t good that might come out of it.
 
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