Must I apologise?

  • Thread starter Thread starter bobolink
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
B

bobolink

Guest
I work as a car park attendant. This morning, I was directing traffic in a multi-storey carpark, when one woman ignored my directions and drove into an area that was closed. I wondered what to do, so then I went over to her car and waitied 'til she got out. Meanwhile, my adrenaline was pumping, as I anticipated what she would say and what I would respond with.

Anyway, she got out, and then I said this level is closed. Then she said ‘‘But what about those other cars?’’ - pointing at some cars which remained in this closed-off area. I snapped and said ‘‘LISTEN - THIS LEVEL IS CLOSED. YOU WILL NOT QUESTION ME.’’

She said ‘‘But I am staff.’’ To which I replied, ‘‘It doesn’t matter. Staff are to park on level 2 anyway.’’

She then said she would report me.

So anyway, my question is this:

I have a very short temper. But I know that what I did was wrong. What the woman did was wrong, but I, in my approach to the situation, was wrong. I know part of me desired the conflict that followed. Do I need to apologise to this person, even though she provoked me, and even though she has already been disobedient to instructions from management about where she is and is not meant to park, and that she has given ‘bother’ before?

Is confession and absolution dependent on me apologising? Do I have to apologise?

I just feel like people such as this are used to doing just whatever they want, whenever they want, only this morning, this woman chose the wrong car park attendant to cross.

I’m not happy about what happened, I am sorry, and I know I was wrong to be so sharp and aggressive. I just snapped. It would be very difficult to apologise for various reasons, and part of me feels that she would then feel vindicated. Also, I have no idea how she would respond to me if I was to make such an effort. She is not a work colleague of mine, merely a person working in a shop in the shopping mall of which the car park is part.
 
First of all anger is an emotion you choose to feel and respond with. You could have responded with charity or even indifference; however you chose anger. Why? It’s easy to say “she provoked me,” but that transfers the blame away from yourself. Ultimately you are responsible for your emotions and how you engage them.

I think an apology would be a charitable thing to do. A simple, “Mam, you caught me on a bad day and I was a little short with you. Please forgive me. Here’s why we close this section of the parking lot…” Now whether she accepts your apology or not is her issue, not yours. She may verbally call you on the carpet, but I suspect she will simply thank you and then go on with her day feeling less fearful of you who in her mind is probably “that maniacal parking lot guy downstairs.”

As the song goes…“Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me.”
 
Sorry, Steel, but yes…you sort of blew it (I know the feeling, BTW. Trust me). This is where you went wrong:

" YOU WILL NOT QUESTION ME.’'

Wow. That’s something a *king or **military commander might say. Yeah…you have some *authority over the parking lot, but, it’s obviously a very limited authority. I’d apologize for that part of what was said, and then explain why the section was closed and why you were frustrated on that issue, that day. You don’t have to demonstrate your authority. You have it. You can have cars towed away. Just explain that to those who violate the rules. That should suffice. I spent a lot of time as a junior officer in the Army making similar apologies. I know the deal.
 
bobolink said:
I work as a car park attendant. This morning, I was directing traffic in a multi-storey carpark, when one woman ignored my directions and drove into an area that was closed. I wondered what to do, so then I went over to her car and waitied 'til she got out. Meanwhile, my adrenaline was pumping, as I anticipated what she would say and what I would respond with.

Anyway, she got out, and then I said this level is closed. Then she said ‘‘But what about those other cars?’’ - pointing at some cars which remained in this closed-off area. I snapped and said ‘‘LISTEN - THIS LEVEL IS CLOSED. YOU WILL NOT QUESTION ME.’’

She said ‘‘But I am staff.’’ To which I replied, ‘‘It doesn’t matter. Staff are to park on level 2 anyway.’’

She then said she would report me.

So anyway, my question is this:

I have a very short temper. But I know that what I did was wrong. What the woman did was wrong, but I, in my approach to the situation, was wrong. I know part of me desired the conflict that followed. Do I need to apologise to this person, even though she provoked me, and even though she has already been disobedient to instructions from management about where she is and is not meant to park, and that she has given ‘bother’ before?

Is confession and absolution dependent on me apologising? Do I have to apologise?

I just feel like people such as this are used to doing just whatever they want, whenever they want, only this morning, this woman chose the wrong car park attendant to cross.

I’m not happy about what happened, I am sorry, and I know I was wrong to be so sharp and aggressive. I just snapped. It would be very difficult to apologise for various reasons, and part of me feels that she would then feel vindicated. Also, I have no idea how she would respond to me if I was to make such an effort. She is not a work colleague of mine, merely a person working in a shop in the shopping mall of which the car park is part.
Click to expand...
Your line of work, like mine, requires occasional assertiveness. Some people need to be barked at a bit to get their attention. You can be assertive without being a jerk, I do it all of the time.

She failed to comply with your lawful request. Perhaps SHE can be reported for failing to comply with the “code of conduct” regarding parking regulations. Do not confuse your necessary assertiveness with sinful anger. You’re not out there to be a doormat. You have a job to do. Talk it over with your priest my friend and don’t lose any sleep over this.
😉
 
I apologize frequently because it get rids of the anger associated with the previous act. If you apologize everytime you see her or even think of her, you will no longer feel guilty about what you did previously. You will be able to give her a warm and open smile and move on with your days and years in peace.
 
bobolink said:
I work as a car park attendant. This morning, I was directing traffic in a multi-storey carpark, when one woman ignored my directions and drove into an area that was closed. I wondered what to do, so then I went over to her car and waitied 'til she got out. Meanwhile, my adrenaline was pumping, as I anticipated what she would say and what I would respond with.

Anyway, she got out, and then I said this level is closed. Then she said ‘‘But what about those other cars?’’ - pointing at some cars which remained in this closed-off area. I snapped and said ‘‘LISTEN - THIS LEVEL IS CLOSED. YOU WILL NOT QUESTION ME.’’

She said ‘‘But I am staff.’’ To which I replied, ‘‘It doesn’t matter. Staff are to park on level 2 anyway.’’

She then said she would report me.

So anyway, my question is this:

I have a very short temper. But I know that what I did was wrong. What the woman did was wrong, but I, in my approach to the situation, was wrong. I know part of me desired the conflict that followed. Do I need to apologise to this person, even though she provoked me, and even though she has already been disobedient to instructions from management about where she is and is not meant to park, and that she has given ‘bother’ before?

Is confession and absolution dependent on me apologising? Do I have to apologise?

I just feel like people such as this are used to doing just whatever they want, whenever they want, only this morning, this woman chose the wrong car park attendant to cross.

I’m not happy about what happened, I am sorry, and I know I was wrong to be so sharp and aggressive. I just snapped. It would be very difficult to apologise for various reasons, and part of me feels that she would then feel vindicated. Also, I have no idea how she would respond to me if I was to make such an effort. She is not a work colleague of mine, merely a person working in a shop in the shopping mall of which the car park is part.
Click to expand...
Rules exists to keep order and she disobeyed the rules. It is your job to enforce those rules. Granted, I don’t know the specifics of the situation beyond what you’ve said here but it doesn’t sound like you were too out of line. Your human and all humans lose their temper from time to time. Even our Lord, Jesus Christ, had occasion to fly off the handle when he saw people so blatantly disregarding the rules - i.e. the money changers in the temple. If you feel the need to confess the event, definitely do so, but unless your priest recommends so, it doesn’t seem that any further action on your part is necessary.
 
I feel pretty wretched about the whole thing now.

I was completely out of line. In fact, before she even came along, I was planning in my head what to say to anyone who might try and challenge me. I lost it, pure and simple, but not only that, I set myself up to lose it, and even enjoyed the prospect of doing so.

It might seem like not too big of a deal, but I know what I did.

The issue now is my desire to apologise. I have never seen this lady before, yet she works in a shop within the shopping mall. I’ve see her car before though. One slight issue is, my dad is the manager of the shopping mall building…

I might see her again in the car park, and I would say sorry then, but to go into the shop in which she works, and apologise to her there and then, would be difficult. Plus if she was to find out I am the complex manager’s son, it would not be very good for my father, knowing he has a maniac for a son.

I have power/control issues. It’s not the first time I’ve lost it with someone in the car park. My therapist said that this kind of behaviour is typical of someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, as I have. Yet I know full well what I did was wrong, I *could *have chosen a different approach, such as those suggested, yet I chose the one that would give me a kick and a power/ego trip, upset this woman, and leave me feeling wretched at the end of the day.

I do feel awful.
 
bobolink said:
I feel pretty wretched about the whole thing now.

I was completely out of line. In fact, before she even came along, I was planning in my head what to say to anyone who might try and challenge me. I lost it, pure and simple, but not only that, I set myself up to lose it, and even enjoyed the prospect of doing so.

It might seem like not too big of a deal, but I know what I did.

The issue now is my desire to apologise. I have never seen this lady before, yet she works in a shop within the shopping mall. I’ve see her car before though. One slight issue is, my dad is the manager of the shopping mall building…

I might see her again in the car park, and I would say sorry then, but to go into the shop in which she works, and apologise to her there and then, would be difficult. Plus if she was to find out I am the complex manager’s son, it would not be very good for my father, knowing he has a maniac for a son.

I have power/control issues. It’s not the first time I’ve lost it with someone in the car park. My therapist said that this kind of behaviour is typical of someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, as I have. Yet I know full well what I did was wrong, I *could *have chosen a different approach, such as those suggested, yet I chose the one that would give me a kick and a power/ego trip, upset this woman, and leave me feeling wretched at the end of the day.

I do feel awful.
Click to expand...
As an outside observer it seems as if you are on the road to scrupulosity. However, if you feel as terrible as you say you are about the incident go to confession and discuss it with your priest.
 
One question, did you discuss this with your dad? After all, it may affect him as well. It could be that this woman has caused other problems elsewhere. Get the facts before you fall into a complere guilt trip.

I also have problems with OCD. And, yes, I’ve flown off the handle before. But, I don’t want to judge you, or myself, on that issue. It may be that you need a change of position to one less stressful. And don’t settle for a “demotion.”
 
bobolink said:
I feel pretty wretched about the whole thing now.

I was completely out of line. In fact, before she even came along, I was planning in my head what to say to anyone who might try and challenge me. I lost it, pure and simple, but not only that, I set myself up to lose it, and even enjoyed the prospect of doing so.

It might seem like not too big of a deal, but I know what I did.

The issue now is my desire to apologise. I have never seen this lady before, yet she works in a shop within the shopping mall. I’ve see her car before though. One slight issue is, my dad is the manager of the shopping mall building…

I might see her again in the car park, and I would say sorry then, but to go into the shop in which she works, and apologise to her there and then, would be difficult. Plus if she was to find out I am the complex manager’s son, it would not be very good for my father, knowing he has a maniac for a son.

I have power/control issues. It’s not the first time I’ve lost it with someone in the car park. My therapist said that this kind of behaviour is typical of someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, as I have. Yet I know full well what I did was wrong, I *could *have chosen a different approach, such as those suggested, yet I chose the one that would give me a kick and a power/ego trip, upset this woman, and leave me feeling wretched at the end of the day.

I do feel awful.
Click to expand...
I know that if you are human you must have disobeyed a rule or two now and then. How would you have wanted the car park attendant to respond if you had done the same? You might say that you wouldn’t have done that but, like I said, you must have done something wrong in the past.

We are all human beings and we all goof up. Yes, you were absolutely right in demanding that she move her vehicle. But next time just talk to her as you would want someone to talk to you. I hear so many guys at work saying things like, “That cop was a jerk” or “that security guard was a &^%”. And then they treat people in the same way.:confused:

Remember to be the change that you want to see in others. For you it may require a little more work because of your OCD but I believe that you can do better. And if you can’t for now, yes I would apologize for your harsh words. You do not have to apologize for making her move, just the way that you handled it…teachccd 🙂
 
I’m going to confession tomorrow, God-willing, and so will confess it and see what the priest says. I certainly feel the desire to apologise.

(Incidentally, the woman has caused some issues before with regard to parking, but I didn’t actually know this before I ‘lost it’ with her. She was, at that point, still a member of the public to me.)
 
Don’t worry too much. Go to confession of course. But if your parking garage? Or lot? is like any here in chicago, there is a camera that takes footage of everything that happens. If she filled a complaint against you, they will look at it before they do anything (like fire you) and by the same token, when they look at it, and note she is an employee, they may relate this to her boss, and she may be in trouble. Are you in a union? You may need to demand they replay the tape if your boss gives you any flack.
 
I’m not at risk of losing my job. It is more the guilt I feel about what I did which bothers me!
 
An apology would be an execellet example of imitating Christ, who went out of His way to help man and was humiliated for us. Glory in the Cross of our Lord Jesus Christ!
 
If you get a chance to see her again, an apology would be nice; the “you will not question me” was a bit over the line, and obviously spoken in anger.

Sometimes, as has been said, some people just don’t “get it” and need to be instructed assertively. I have found the broken record technique works quite well; simply repeat what they’re not getting over and over as your response to their objections. “Sorry, M’am, staff has to park on level 2, this level is closed”…“Sorry, M’am, staff has to park on level 2, this level is closed” etc.

In this case, she had already parked the car. Do you have any procedure for how to deal with such people? A supervisor that can let you know what to do next time?

I too have a short fuse, but I find apologizing even if it’s in doubt whether or not an apology is due costs me nothing and is a very charitable thing to do.
 
I suppose an apology would be appropriate. But wouldn’t that give the woman the impression that she had the right to park wherever she wanted? There are times when rule bending shouldn’t be an issue.

Maybe saying something like, “I’m sorry for yelling at you. But you did park in the wrong area. I was trying to do my job, and direct you to another area to park. I would appreciate it if you will consider that next time you come to park here.”
 
Christy_Beth said:
I suppose an apology would be appropriate. But wouldn’t that give the woman the impression that she had the right to park wherever she wanted? There are times when rule bending shouldn’t be an issue.

Maybe saying something like, “I’m sorry for yelling at you. But you did park in the wrong area. I was trying to do my job, and direct you to another area to park. I would appreciate it if you will consider that next time you come to park here.”
Click to expand...
Exactly; the apology wouldn’t be for doing the job, rather for how it’s done and the tone with which the message was delivered.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top