Must I reconcile with my family member

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Iamloved

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I recently told my family about past sexual abuse inflicted by my father. At the time of my disclosure my sister admitted she had been abused too. My mother has offered no support or compassion(her biggest worry is everyone is going to find out about it), my 4 brothers were shocked and have tried to be supportive of my sister and I. I found it comforting to know I would have my big sister to share this horrible past with and the fact she had been in counseling for a couple years made feel she could help me as I started a journey to heal. Well last night she let me know that I was on my own. She told me since I made my “announcement” she has has gone backwards in her therapy. She said she did it on her own and I can figure it out too because I have other support of my husband and brothers. I am crushed as I was so hoping for her to help me and now it is just one more family member that has let me down. My question is… I can ask our Lord to forgive my sister and my mother (who knew about the abuse when it was happening but now claims to have no memory of our childhood) but must I have a relationship with them? My mother is narcissistic and perhaps my sister is too as she told me she had to take care of herself and can’t be talking about this to me. Please help me understand the role reconciliation plays in Jesus’ commandment to loving our neighbor.
 
I am sorry this has happened to you and your sister.

Your sister was honest that learning of it happening to you has caused her to backslide in her own healing. That is understandable. But she is getting help from outside and so must you. Are you going for counseling? In a way, your sister is correct, not that she did it on her own (because she did seek help) but that you are responsible for your own healing.

It is good that it is all out in the open. “You are only as sick as your secrets” was what they used to say on that show Intervention. So now, everyone in your family knows, whether they deny it, or support you or not. But only you can get help for you. Your sister has stated she will not be a part of it. It may be too hard for her to deal with your pain when she has so much of her own to bear as well.

I hope that you will get help and that in time, you will be able to not have to cut people out of your life. You can certainly see them less without cutting out all contact.

But only you can decide if they are too toxic to your life or whether you are just reacting out of your pain that they can’t help you right now because they are incapable of doing so.

May God bless you and your family.
 
I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. :console: It hurts to have a mother in denial and a sister looking after her own interests. That’s only natural. Everyone places their trust/hopes in loved ones in time of need. Family members can and often do fail us due to being flawed, as we all are. Each one is on his/her own journey in this life. Many simply cannot deal with such awful behavior, such betrayal, as in your mother’s case, and others have to work things out on their own, as your sister seems to need.

Your sister and mother are hurting. Hurting people often say things they wouldn’t if they were happy. You must excuse them and let them deal with things on their own terms. Our only sure refuge is God and his Saints. Look to Mary for your mother and St. Dymphna for your sister, if it would help you. Pray for your mother and sister and be kind when you see them, but you need not go out of your way to contact them if it only makes things worse for you. Give yourself and your family time to accept what has happened and to heal. That’s my advice, for what it’s worth.
 
You know something of what she is going through, and that it is a rapids that will mess with you if you turn sideways in it. I would not assume that she will never be able to bear this cross with you, but rather that she has said in an unfortunately ungracious way that she cannot help you now.

If you had been through a physical fire and were in a burn unit, you both might easily be too wounded to help in the care of the other. I think this is what she’s trying to say, since she does not have a problem with your brothers being there for you. She is not saying, “Be quiet. Talk to no one. Crawl back under your rock.” She is saying, “I am too weak from my wound to help you with yours.” Whether true or not, she believes that it is, and you do well not to argue with her about it. (Talk to your own counselor, but it is probably best to choose to believe her.)

I would not come to any conclusions about what your relationship is going to be someday. Rather, choose to reconcile yourself with the situation today. If you had a cancer diagnosis and someone in your family couldn’t be there for you, of course you’d put some distance in, particular if their reason was that they themselves were going through chemo. Of course it would be a relief if you could have someone who knows so well there to go through this with you, but not everyone heals that way. That is OK–that is, it is OK for her to need to concentrate on her own recovery, and it is OK for you to put in some distance because she can’t be part of your inner support circle. The main thing is that she is not getting between you and the help that anyone else has to offer.

As far as a legitimate moral complaint you might have against your sister or your mother, put that complaint in the hands of God’s perfect justice. Where we rebel, we must lay down our rebellion against God in order to accept reconciliation. All you need to do as the victim of an offense that also offends against God is to be willing to accept whatever judgment God brings on the offender, including a thirst for their amendment and a willingness to pardon them when they are contrite. Whateever God’s verdict is, even if it is “not guilty,” we must be willing to come to trust in it. (It is OK for this to be a process, provided we are willing to make the move we can make in the right direction.) If you let go of advocating against mercy, that is enough. You do not have to hope that there will be pardon without recognition of sin or contrition for it. You only have to hope that recognition of sin will be followed with contrition, a desire for amendment, and pardon–true reconciliation in the eternal sense.
 
I am guessing your mother and sister are feeling guilt and sorrow, they have had time to reflect. They might have had the chance to intervene but they did nothing, they could have told the police, but they didn’t. To see you hurting now, increases their guilt; your big sister is possibly hurting more, she knew how she suffered, and she could not help you, as you went through the same ordeal.

Abusive people hold a lot of power, the power he had over you, he also had over your mum and your sister.

So sorry to hear of your past experience…

Blessings

Eric
 
It is also possible that your big sister may now be suffering from guilt because she should have protected you from abuse after she experienced it.

Just a thought.
 
Iamloved said:

“My mother is narcissistic and perhaps my sister is too as she told me she had to take care of herself and can’t be talking about this to me.”

I would not put your mom and your sister in the same category here. Your sister may not wish to talk to you about this because it is retraumatizing her. Let her lead the way with regard to whether or not to bring up the subject, but if you can, try to have an otherwise normal relationship with her.
 
I appreciate all the thoughtful advice from everyone. I will definitely pray on all of this. I know my relationship with my mother is toxic and I have turned that over Jesus. As far as my sister that just happened last night so I am still to emotional to make any decisions about my relationship with her. A priest recently told me to pray that Jesus would raise up new earthly parents for me (even tho I am 53) I obviously have never had a loving family so I hope that prayer gets answered quick!! My husband is my rock and I do have 3 wonderful adult children that will always be there for me too. Please pray for all the victims of incest as we suffer deep in our souls often for many years totally alone.
 
May I gently ask that you don’t become estranged from your sister that she feels inability to carry any part of your hurt at this time. Really, talking about it with your sister after all this time might only rub the salt in further. You can discuss what happened but that puts two victims with stark rawness into the trauma. Your sister could be right.
Your bringing you own abuse to light may actually have forced her to a deeper level of realization of the huge betrayal of your father.

The enormity of such a grave betrayal one ones’ children’s vulnerability and trust can come by stages. You have privately known about your own abuse, now you have reached a state where you needed to face it openly. You realize more acutely than before, do you not.
Your sister may also have reached a deeper awareness, and it isn’t always the case that a problem shared is a problem halved. You sister is in a different place.

She also is a victim so please don’t cause her to lose you her sister, also. Please give her time and respect her different need at this time. You both have a right to the stages each has arrived at, you want to talk, but really it could probably make it worse for each other. It may not necessarily help. You may find an independent counselor to be more helpful.

Whatever guilt your mother has, she must answer for, but don’t be surprised at her shame and fear for the family name. A father’s abuse, a parent’s abuse if something that impacts on the whole family in various ways. Your bothers share in the sense of betrayal. A father they trusted has behaved in an horrific way.

I thank God that you have a wonderful husband and loving children.

Regarding your sister, the kindest thing might be to say you care about her (love her), you respect her wish and that you are sorry it happened to her too, and you’ll both find a way through this.

Regarding your mother, you can’t know for sure what happened there, whether or not she did suspect and betray you both by not protecting you, but I do understand that not knowing does make trust very difficult and when trust is lost it is very hard to restore. Your sister and you most likely came out of this with trust issues because you were betrayed by a parent who should protect you both from all harm, and potentially also by the other parent, who is hurting you now by not respecting the seriousness of the harm against you and your sister.

My prayers for you, your sister, and all your family
 
Just a PS to my reply. I have been in therapy for about 6 months. Some days it feels helpful and some days I feel like it was a waste of time but I know in the long run it should help me heal.
 
Iamloved said:
Just a PS to my reply. I have been in therapy for about 6 months. Some days it feels helpful and some days I feel like it was a waste of time but I know in the long run it should help me heal.
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Someone very beloved to me was similarly betrayed by a parent, but it was her mother, not her father. (If you have ever read the book or seen the movie “Sybil” you can imagine some of the things her mother did.) She is 61 years old now, and my husband and I brought her to live with us about 6 years ago. (She and I first met and became fast friends/sisters in the late 1970s, but then she was seduced a sociopath/narcissist who took her away with promises of a happy married life, and who then abused her. It was nearly 30 years before I found her again, and she has been damaged beyond repair, with both physical and mental scars.) She is very fragile, and my husband and I protect her, now.

Both of her parents are deceased. She has 2 sisters, one younger and one older. The longer they interact now, the more she discovers how many more sick/evil acts were perpetrated upon them by the one woman they had the right to expect to love and protect them. She had been told she was “marrying Jesus” when she was preparing for her First Holy Communion, and wanted desperately to be a nun for years; however, her mother told her that she was so bad and disgusting that God didn’t want her, and it only got worse from there. 😦

The one thing that helps her get through all this is believing that their mother must have been mentally ill. It is terribly frightening to think that someone in full possession of their faculties would do such evil things to children. (She sometimes wakes up screaming from the memories that present themselves in nightmares.)

Since moving in with us, she has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder springing from post-traumatic stress disorder. She had previously been diagnosed with depression, agoraphobia, OCD, ADHD, and panic disorder. Only recently have her long-term meds been changed, and she seems very much improved from the last few years. She sees her psychiatrist monthly, and her therapist at least weekly, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week depending upon how she feels.

My point is this: NEVER give up on therapy! It makes all the difference in the world. It can bring you from survivor to thriver.
 
WiccanWoman, you are an angel to this woman. She is blessed to know you and have you in her life.
 
Irishmom2 said:
WiccanWoman, you are an angel to this woman. She is blessed to know you and have you in her life.
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Oh my. 😊

Irishmom… I am humbly honored and so very grateful for your kind words, but I’m not an angel. I am only her sister (by love and by choice, if not by birth) and hope that by living my life the way I do, that I can hope to better the lives of those in need.

As for my beloved sister, I will protect her with every ounce of my being until the day I die. She is the part of my heart which supplies the beat. She is the part of my life which sings the song which gives me reason to be. Those years I could not find her were the darkest of my life. No matter what good I did or how much I knew I enjoyed living, there always was a dark, empty place inside me.

May you and your family be blessed with joy, good health and prosperity. May you be peaceful and content, all the days of your lives.

Thank you. Your kindness has brought tears to my eyes, and has made my day. :o
 
WiccanWoman said:
Someone very beloved to me was similarly betrayed by a parent, but it was her mother, not her father. (If you have ever read the book or seen the movie “Sybil” you can imagine some of the things her mother did.) She is 61 years old now, and my husband and I brought her to live with us about 6 years ago. (She and I first met and became fast friends/sisters in the late 1970s, but then she was seduced a sociopath/narcissist who took her away with promises of a happy married life, and who then abused her. It was nearly 30 years before I found her again, and she has been damaged beyond repair, with both physical and mental scars.) She is very fragile, and my husband and I protect her, now.

Both of her parents are deceased. She has 2 sisters, one younger and one older. The longer they interact now, the more she discovers how many more sick/evil acts were perpetrated upon them by the one woman they had the right to expect to love and protect them. She had been told she was “marrying Jesus” when she was preparing for her First Holy Communion, and wanted desperately to be a nun for years; however, her mother told her that she was so bad and disgusting that God didn’t want her, and it only got worse from there. 😦

The one thing that helps her get through all this is believing that their mother must have been mentally ill. It is terribly frightening to think that someone in full possession of their faculties would do such evil things to children. (She sometimes wakes up screaming from the memories that present themselves in nightmares.)

Since moving in with us, she has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder springing from post-traumatic stress disorder. She had previously been diagnosed with depression, agoraphobia, OCD, ADHD, and panic disorder. Only recently have her long-term meds been changed, and she seems very much improved from the last few years. She sees her psychiatrist monthly, and her therapist at least weekly, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week depending upon how she feels.

My point is this: NEVER give up on therapy! It makes all the difference in the world. It can bring you from survivor to thriver.
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:imsorry: All the hurt! I’m so sorry.
 
SecretaryMonday said:
:imsorry: All the hurt! I’m so sorry.
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Thank you for your kindess, SecretaryMonday, but what I described was only offered so that **Iamloved **would know she is not alone.

Please offer prayers and support to the original poster of this thread - Iamloved - that she find the strength to repair herself, and that the relationship with her sister can grow from a new place. (I cannot and will not attempt to address her “relationship” with her parents as that is another thing altogether, and what I have to say may not be proper at this time, as I do not have all the facts.)

Iamloved, yes, you ARE loved. There are people here praying for you, including me, and even though I don’t follow your religion, it’s how I was raised. I do know that there is truth in our beliefs that evil cannot exist when it is dragged out of the darkness in which it hides. Evil counts on its victims to be weak and embarassed and confused. You need to count on the knowledge that you are valued and loved, and refuse to be a victim any longer.

You have done well to confront what happened to you as an innocent child and what still impacts you now as a grown woman. It is hard to work on recovery. Sometimes it must seem like a waste of your time, as if you’ll never get there. I see it myself, every day, in my Sister. However, I also see the value of that hard work whenever I look into the eyes of my Sister and see momentary joy, a smile, an acknowledgement that she is SOMEBODY and she is loved by us, and by GOD.

I’ve been in ugly places in my own life as well, but somehow as I strove to survive, I became stronger than most, and as I “fought against the ugly”… I won. 👍 I believe you can, too.

These days, I find great value in volunteering for domestic violence causes, against child and animal abuse, donating food to free sustenance pantries in my town/neighborhood (one of the poorest on Long Island - please pray for the residents, if you would). I work full-time as a personal injury paralegal because I’ve been hurt and want to help others who find themselves where I have been. I have a blog… I am trying to write a “cozy mystery” novel… my family and I care for a colony of stray cats in our yard… we own some real properties which we rent to friends who need a place to call home. My life is varied, full and happy. Yours should be, too.

Don’t let the ugly hide within the darkness inside you… don’t let the ugly win. Make your life the most beautiful life you can imagine… the life given to you by God.

If ever you need to talk, I’d be glad to listen. If ever you need to listen, I’d be glad to talk.

May you be blessed with joy, good health, peace of mind and prosperity. And remember, yes you ARE loved, and yes you ARE valued. Back in my high-school days at St. Edmund’s a lot of the gals wore a button that said “GOD DON’T MAKE JUNK.”

Believe it. 😉
 
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