Must make decision quick...need your advice, please!

[dulcissima]

I’d say meeting his family for a holiday weekend is putting too much pressure on the situation to make it serious. You should be going into this with the expectation that if for whatever reason it just doesn’t feel right, if there is something about him that rubs you wrong in person, that you don’t have to continue things.

I think that would work best with him meeting you on your turf, or at least neutral grounds, and for something low-key with no pressure. Meeting in person is awkward enough, and as much as you think you know about someone that you have met online and talked to on the phone, meeting in person is very, very different.

 

[Lexee15]

Hmm…Sounds like a recipe for a really uncomfortable situation. You call him a “friend,” but is that all there is? Are you ready to start dating again?

Personally, if I was approaching the tail end of an ugly divorce, I’d probably stay home, work on a bottle of gin, and celebrate our independence by blowing stuff up. But that’s just me.

In all seriousness, don’t go if you feel compelled to.

Montanaman you are soooo funny !!! Now, the divorce itself hasn’t been ugly, as a matter of fact he’s been generous and hasn’t been a jerk about the material stuff. It’s taken so long cause he didn’t get an attorney until about 8 months ago. You see, he’s the type of guy that if he doesn’t deal with it then it doesn’t exist:shrug:.

My attorney didn’t think it was wise to reach an agreement without him having an attorney, it’s only fair that he have competent representation and we didn’t want to be back in court because he changed his mind later on, etc. The last few months have been about getting it down in writing, both the divorce and custody agreement. All that legal jargon I had to go through, I did it though:thumbsup:!!!

I feel that I’m very over him, some of my other threads have talked about how many times he’s tried to get back together with me and I’ve always said NO!!! It’s over, there’s no turning back, and I have forgiven him…now let’s all remember that forgiveness is a process, a day to day thing. Just because I’ve forgiven him doesn’t mean that it completely stops hurting or upsetting me when I think about something from the past, but it comes and it goes I don’t dwell on anything. I pray for him everyday and as time has gone on it’s become easier to pray for him, I think that’s a sure sign that I’m on the road of forgiveness.

As far as the “friend” term, well that’s all I can call him right now. I do think that we are a bit more than friends because our intentions are to start a relationship if things go well, but we definitely have started a friendship. Most people on CM and all those on AMS are looking for something serious…so that is how I see this…I’m not looking to just “date” men, I’m searching, with the help of the Holy Spirit, for my spouse.

 

[Robaynne]

Lex go for it. What is the worst that could happen.

First of all you can stay in a hotel not with him. If you have a really good friend that does not mind going with you then why not. You are not going to have sex with him. But maybe meeting him with a group of people is not so bad as meeting him alone. And you guys are friends and have not reached that stage where you are dating. And maybe that is what you need right now a male compaign to talk to without any strings attached.

Lex we have come so far. I remember you from the times when I was having drama and saga in my life. At least you have got the annulment I have not even started that process yet.

By the way Lex do you remember Nana what happened to her. Remember her sister was going through a tough time with her ex the policeman and his wife.

 

[Lexee15]

Find a girlfriend to go along and have a great time.

Meeting family first USED to be normal. Back then, marriage was serious and lasted.

Now, this whole - do not meet his family until at least the 7.58th date idea and marriage has a 50 % chance of tanking

Meet the guy, take along a friend so you will know SOMEONE.

This is how I see it too, back in the day meeting family first was how it was done…at least that’s what I’m told.

I don’t plan on going alone either, I’m bringing a friend with me. Safety is of utmost importance to me…I have a child to take care of so I don’t take things like this lightly or carelessly.

Also, if I go, I plan on meeting him first~spending a day together before I meet any family. I figure this way if things don’t go well or there’s something I don’t like then I just won’t go to the family get together. I’ll go back to my hotel and hang out at the pool!!!

 

[SMHW]

Also, if I go, I plan on meeting him first~spending a day together before I meet any family. I figure this way if things don’t go well or there’s something I don’t like then I just won’t go to the family get together. I’ll go back to my hotel and hang out at the pool!!!

While I still think it’d be better to have him make the first journey this sounds reasonable.

That way if *either *of you decides that you don’t want to pursue this any further it won’t have to be in front of the family audience.

 

[Lexee15]

Lex go for it. What is the worst that could happen.

First of all you can stay in a hotel not with him. If you have a really good friend that does not mind going with you then why not. You are not going to have sex with him. But maybe meeting him with a group of people is not so bad as meeting him alone. And you guys are friends and have not reached that stage where you are dating. And maybe that is what you need right now a male compaign to talk to without any strings attached.

Lex we have come so far. I remember you from the times when I was having drama and saga in my life. At least you have got the annulment I have not even started that process yet.

By the way Lex do you remember Nana what happened to her. Remember her sister was going through a tough time with her ex the policeman and his wife.

We sure have been through the ringer haven’t we Robaynne, I’ve read your posts and see that you’ve also found a way to move on:thumbsup:, good for you!!! I would definitely suggest that you move forward with the annulment process, I think it’s a good idea and would do wonders for you!!!

I do remember Nana and I don’t know what happened there:shrug:, it sure would be nice to get some updated information from her, I pray everything has worked out the way it’s supposed to.

If I go I do plan on taking someone with me, I wouldn’t go by myself…which is funny cause if he came here I would meet him alone…in public of course, but still alone cause I would feel “safer” which is not always necessarily the case.

 

[kevinsgirl]

Hey Lexee,

I’m so glad you’ve found a nice guy on a Catholic site—you most definitely deserve a good man after all you’ve been through!

I just wanted to tell you that I met my husband on Ave Maria Singles…let me know if you want me to send you our “success story.”

I just wanted to respond to you about the Fourth of July visit that you are trying to decide about going on. I don’t know all the details of ya’ll two, but I’d lean toward meeting the guy on your home turf. I say this because I had a relationship that failed very badly on Ave Maria Singles before I met my husband on there. It’s possible to hide a lot online (I was on AMS on and off for 3 years—believe me I’ve seen it) and it’s best for you as the woman to be surrounded by friends and family rather than the other way around. Also, it says a lot for the guy when he takes the initiative to come out to see you. I guess what I’m getting at, is you want to marry someone who will always do what is best for you. In your case I’m pretty sure that is you staying in your city and him coming out to see you. It is safer for you. It is less costly for you. And it allows you to stay near your son. A man who realizes this is a keeper because he’s already showing some good husband material…he knows how to sacrifice for those he cares for.

In the failed relationship I had, the man in question was not very generous and wanted trips to be 50/50. And future plans were was all about me moving several states away to accommodate his school situation. No accommodation was ever made for me. That isn’t really how it should be. You want a guy who will sweep you off your feet.

The second relationship—my DH really swept me off my feet. He knew what he wanted—to marry me. And he proved to me how much he wanted that by moving across the country just to date me. To paraphrase what he told me—he didn’t want to not give up everything for me and go through the rest of his life regretting not doing everything he could to marry me. You want a guy like that.

So I wouldn’t go—but I would ask him to visit you. You need to see where this friendship is headed. But you also need to do so without the additional pressure of having to meet his family. Family reunions can be difficult events—especially when you take into account that you will be asked lots of personal information by relatives of a person you are only considering a relationship with.

In my opinion, the negatives (you having to go out there first, leaving your son, safety concerns, and the awkwardness of a reunion with his relatives if you don’t hit it off) outweigh the positives (meeting him in a setting where you can see him interact with his family). I think family reunions are better saved for after 6 months of dating.

Again, I wish you the best! Feel free to PM!

kevinsgirl

P.S. In online relationships, the woman’s safety is presumed to be more important than the guy’s. You want to be around your family and friends…not his. This may sound silly, but it is an appropriate precaution to take.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hey Lexee,

I’m so glad you’ve found a nice guy on a Catholic site—you most definitely deserve a good man after all you’ve been through!

I just wanted to tell you that I met my husband on Ave Maria Singles…let me know if you want me to send you our “success story.”

I just wanted to respond to you about the Fourth of July visit that you are trying to decide about going on. I don’t know all the details of ya’ll two, but I’d lean toward meeting the guy on your home turf. I say this because I had a relationship that failed very badly on Ave Maria Singles before I met my husband on there. It’s possible to hide a lot online (I was on AMS on and off for 3 years—believe me I’ve seen it) and it’s best for you as the woman to be surrounded by friends and family rather than the other way around. Also, it says a lot for the guy when he takes the initiative to come out to see you. I guess what I’m getting at, is you want to marry someone who will always do what is best for you. In your case I’m pretty sure that is you staying in your city and him coming out to see you. It is safer for you. It is less costly for you. And it allows you to stay near your son. A man who realizes this is a keeper because he’s already showing some good husband material…he knows how to sacrifice for those he cares for.

In the failed relationship I had, the man in question was not very generous and wanted trips to be 50/50. And future plans were was all about me moving several states away to accommodate his school situation. No accommodation was ever made for me. That isn’t really how it should be. You want a guy who will sweep you off your feet.

The second relationship—my DH really swept me off my feet. He knew what he wanted—to marry me. And he proved to me how much he wanted that by moving across the country just to date me. To paraphrase what he told me—he didn’t want to not give up everything for me and go through the rest of his life regretting not doing everything he could to marry me. You want a guy like that.

So I wouldn’t go—but I would ask him to visit you. You need to see where this friendship is headed. But you also need to do so without the additional pressure of having to meet his family. Family reunions can be difficult events—especially when you take into account that you will be asked lots of personal information by relatives of a person you are only considering a relationship with.

In my opinion, the negatives (you having to go out there first, leaving your son, safety concerns, and the awkwardness of a reunion with his relatives if you don’t hit it off) outweigh the positives (meeting him in a setting where you can see him interact with his family). I think family reunions are better saved for after 6 months of dating.

Again, I wish you the best! Feel free to PM!

kevinsgirl

P.S. In online relationships, the woman’s safety is presumed to be more important than the guy’s. You want to be around your family and friends…not his. This may sound silly, but it is an appropriate precaution to take.

agreed. I’m also in agreement, but didn’t post this specifically, in this man making the effort to come to see you. I agree wholeheartedly with kevinsgirl–good wise post, kevinsgirl!

 

[hasikelee]

I would love to meet family first, or at least very early on in a friendship/relationship.

I suppose it would depend on the specifics, though. Will you be staying over at the parents’ house? Staying in a hotel? Is this area far away or familiar to you?

If it was an event that required travel, I would locate a hotel a short distance away and also make sure I had my own car so as to avoid any awkwardness.

He seems to have easily invited you…perhaps he and his family are social creatures who enjoy a good party.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

…The second relationship—my DH really swept me off my feet. He knew what he wanted—to marry me. And he proved to me how much he wanted that by moving across the country just to date me. To paraphrase what he told me—he didn’t want to not give up everything for me and go through the rest of his life regretting not doing everything he could to marry me. You want a guy like that.

So I wouldn’t go—but I would ask him to visit you. You need to see where this friendship is headed. But you also need to do so without the additional pressure of having to meet his family. Family reunions can be difficult events—especially when you take into account that you will be asked lots of personal information by relatives of a person you are only considering a relationship with.

In my opinion, the negatives (you having to go out there first, leaving your son, safety concerns, and the awkwardness of a reunion with his relatives if you don’t hit it off) outweigh the positives (meeting him in a setting where you can see him interact with his family). I think family reunions are better saved for after 6 months of dating…P.S. In online relationships, the woman’s safety is presumed to be more important than the guy’s. You want to be around your family and friends…not his. This may sound silly, but it is an appropriate precaution to take.

These three paragraphs sum up what I was trying to say, but somehow I missed the mark. Good advice, kevinsgirl!!!

 

[Sierrah]

Be careful and follow your instinct. If something’s nagging at you not to go then don’t. One of my ex’s invited me to a family function in order to make me feel he was more serious about the relationship then he really was. He was after a quick booty call that’s about it. Anyway I’m always sceptical about guys moving too fast and learned the hard way to trust those intuative feelings God may have given us for our own protection. If you choose not to go and this guy is one of the good guys he’ll be understanding and not take offense. If he’s not a good guy and out for just a quickie then better to find out sooner rather then later. Sorry if this sounds harsh or overly cautious but that’s just how you have to be today sometimes. If you feel positive about going after some reflection and prayer then by all means go with your eyes though and guard up.

 

[Lexee15]

Hey Lexee,

I’m so glad you’ve found a nice guy on a Catholic site—you most definitely deserve a good man after all you’ve been through!

I just wanted to tell you that I met my husband on Ave Maria Singles…let me know if you want me to send you our “success story.”

I just wanted to respond to you about the Fourth of July visit that you are trying to decide about going on. I don’t know all the details of ya’ll two, but I’d lean toward meeting the guy on your home turf. I say this because I had a relationship that failed very badly on Ave Maria Singles before I met my husband on there. It’s possible to hide a lot online (I was on AMS on and off for 3 years—believe me I’ve seen it) and it’s best for you as the woman to be surrounded by friends and family rather than the other way around. Also, it says a lot for the guy when he takes the initiative to come out to see you. I guess what I’m getting at, is you want to marry someone who will always do what is best for you. In your case I’m pretty sure that is you staying in your city and him coming out to see you. It is safer for you. It is less costly for you. And it allows you to stay near your son. A man who realizes this is a keeper because he’s already showing some good husband material…he knows how to sacrifice for those he cares for.

In the failed relationship I had, the man in question was not very generous and wanted trips to be 50/50. And future plans were was all about me moving several states away to accommodate his school situation. No accommodation was ever made for me. That isn’t really how it should be. You want a guy who will sweep you off your feet.

The second relationship—my DH really swept me off my feet. He knew what he wanted—to marry me. And he proved to me how much he wanted that by moving across the country just to date me. To paraphrase what he told me—he didn’t want to not give up everything for me and go through the rest of his life regretting not doing everything he could to marry me. You want a guy like that.

So I wouldn’t go—but I would ask him to visit you. You need to see where this friendship is headed. But you also need to do so without the additional pressure of having to meet his family. Family reunions can be difficult events—especially when you take into account that you will be asked lots of personal information by relatives of a person you are only considering a relationship with.

In my opinion, the negatives (you having to go out there first, leaving your son, safety concerns, and the awkwardness of a reunion with his relatives if you don’t hit it off) outweigh the positives (meeting him in a setting where you can see him interact with his family). I think family reunions are better saved for after 6 months of dating.

Again, I wish you the best! Feel free to PM!

kevinsgirl

P.S. In online relationships, the woman’s safety is presumed to be more important than the guy’s. You want to be around your family and friends…not his. This may sound silly, but it is an appropriate precaution to take.

Thanks for your post kevinsgirl, it makes a lot of sense. I can see where you’re coming from, and congratulations…I’m so glad to hear that online relationships can happen and work!!! I would love to hear your success story:thumbsup:!

I’m leaning towards not going since most on here feel that it wouldn’t be a good idea, I am going to pray about it though. I have to say that my instinct is to go…not sure why, I don’t feel uneasy about it at all, again not sure why:shrug:.

I am taking all this (name removed by moderator)ut into consideration as I make this decision, thanks:thumbsup:.

 

[Lexee15]

I would love to meet family first, or at least very early on in a friendship/relationship.

I suppose it would depend on the specifics, though. Will you be staying over at the parents’ house? Staying in a hotel? Is this area far away or familiar to you?

If it was an event that required travel, I would locate a hotel a short distance away and also make sure I had my own car so as to avoid any awkwardness.

He seems to have easily invited you…perhaps he and his family are social creatures who enjoy a good party.

These are the specifics, I’m in Chicago and he’s in DC. I would travel with a friend, not alone and stay in a hotel. I would also rent a car to get where ever I need to go. I’ve been to DC three times, so it’s not completely unfamiliar territory, if we didn’t hit it off I’m sure my friend and I could find things to do.

He’s very close to his family and spends as much time as he can with them. His mom is a cancer survivor, she’s had a double mastectomy and it looks like the cancer could be coming back. I completely understand his wanting to spend as much time as he can with her…I don’t blame him, I’m sure I’d do the same.

It also seems like his family is very social and easy going from what he tells me. I think it took a lot for him to ask me because he felt really bad when he thought he made me uncomfortable. I don’t think his intentions were or are bad, I actually feel like he thought about it for a long time before asking.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

My thoughts?
Family gatherings can be fun, but what if you are uncomfortable with HIM? Suppose his family loves you - but you decide to be friends with this person. Would you feel guilty?

Really, most importantly, be safe and at peace. Perhaps he’s decided to ask because he knows his mom doesn’t have much longer to live and he’d like you to meet her before it’s too late. I certainly don’t know…

 

[Lexee15]

Be careful and follow your instinct. If something’s nagging at you not to go then don’t. One of my ex’s invited me to a family function in order to make me feel he was more serious about the relationship then he really was. He was after a quick booty call that’s about it. Anyway I’m always sceptical about guys moving too fast and learned the hard way to trust those intuative feelings God may have given us for our own protection. If you choose not to go and this guy is one of the good guys he’ll be understanding and not take offense. If he’s not a good guy and out for just a quickie then better to find out sooner rather then later. Sorry if this sounds harsh or overly cautious but that’s just how you have to be today sometimes. If you feel positive about going after some reflection and prayer then by all means go with your eyes though and guard up.

Thanks for the advice. So far I haven’t felt weird or uneasy about going, I have felt very ok, like I said in a previous post not sure why. I have that nervous excited feeling of meeting someone new, but not any bad feelings.

When I told him I wasn’t sure about meeting his family before meeting him he immediately apologized for making me feel uncomfortable. He said he didn’t mean to make me feel uncomfortable and that he totally understood why I wouldn’t want to come. I ended up feeling bad for him because I could tell that he thought he may have messed things up by asking me. I told him not to feel bad, he had just caught me by surprise. I do think he’s a good guy, of course I still don’t know if he’s my good guy, nonetheless, he’s a good guy.

 

[Lexee15]

My thoughts?
Family gatherings can be fun, but what if you are uncomfortable with HIM? Suppose his family loves you - but you decide to be friends with this person. Would you feel guilty?

Really, most importantly, be safe and at peace. Perhaps he’s decided to ask because he knows his mom doesn’t have much longer to live and he’d like you to meet her before it’s too late. I certainly don’t know…

If I were to go I would go a day ahead of the get together to meet him and spend some time with him first…if I’m not feeling it or he’s not feeling it then I won’t go to the family function. Since I’ll be in a hotel there shouldn’t be any issues or pressure.

I do think that it has something to do with his mom, his parents also are older. I think his mom is 69 and she’s dealing with this cancer thing. I don’t know for sure, but I do think that may have something to do with it:shrug:.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

Then I say go and enjoy…

IF this turns into something, you’ll have the background with his family to support him when his mother does pass, and you’ll have memories of that together, which he will appreciate.

IF this turns into just friendship, the same applies!

 

[ks60]

I didn’t read all of the responses, Lexee, but you should be wary of having to make this decision fast.

You are beginning a fun and exciting time, aren’t you? At the same time, you don’t want to move too fast while you are getting know someone new. Like a few said, a keeper will respect this.

I agree, too with having the man visit your town first. He might not be what you expect, and you need to security of being close to friends and family if you decide upon meeting him that you don’t want to pursue a relationship.

It’s flattering that he wants you to meet his family so soon. If it were me, I would want to spend some time getting to know him better so taht I could determine if I even wanted to meet his family.

Look out for your safety, and your feelings.

 

[Cristiano]

I am sorry if I missed it, but I do not see any comments about your son.

Are you planning to go by yourself and leave your three years old with someone else? Are you planning to bring him with you and introduce him to a new family? Either scenarios are very bad ideas to me. A child that age does not need this kind of stress. I am not sure that the priorities are in the right place.

Assuming that the guy is deeply interested in you, he should get on an airplane and come to visit you. He should not meet your son and he should not take you away from your son at critical times of the day.

At this point in time your child is your priority number one.

 

[Lexee15]

I am sorry if I missed it, but I do not see any comments about your son.

Are you planning to go by yourself and leave your three years old with someone else? Are you planning to bring him with you and introduce him to a new family? Either scenarios are very bad ideas to me. A child that age does not need this kind of stress. I am not sure that the priorities are in the right place.

Assuming that the guy is deeply interested in you, he should get on an airplane and come to visit you. He should not meet your son and he should not take you away from your son at critical times of the day.

At this point in time your child is your priority number one.

If I decided to go, my son would go with me along with a friend, I would not leave him behind. Also, my son has been traveling extensively since he was 3 months old so he has no problem with planes, boats, cars and hotels he would not have any undo stress. He would not attend the family function, he would hang out with my friend until I returned.

If I decided to take him and my friend to the family event he would see it just like any other place we go, from the perspective of a 3 year old. As long as there’s food and toys to play with he’s fine. For him, this would be like any other place we’ve gone where we don’t know anyone except maybe 1 or 2 people.

My son is my number 1 priority and I hope that you’re not insinuating that because I’m open to finding a spouse, which would also be good for him, that I’m somehow neglecting him, being a bad mother or putting my needs before his because you would be completely and utterly out of line.

I would NEVER choose a man over my son or put my needs ahead of his. If you’ve read any of my posts you’ll see that my son and daughter have ALWAYS come first!