My 12yo has asked to be baptized

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JoyToTheWhirled

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For a number of months, my middle daughter has been attending Saturday 5pm Mass with me. She also attends my husband’s church on a Sunday - even when he doesn’t! She really engages with Christianity and is very tenaciously faithful. Recently she has been asking about being baptized, and I am in a bit of a quandary. She would like to be baptized in my church because she says that is the place she feels most comfortable in. But all her friends and commitments are at my husband’s church, and in all honesty, he is really not very happy about her being baptized in a Catholic church.
As far as I understand it, a full immersion trinitarian baptism in an Anglican church would be considered valid should she decide she wants to follow me into the Catholic church.
How would you advise me to proceed, in terms of encouraging her in her choice, and helping navigate the issue?
 
I think it’s a bit beyond raising her at this point. She has been brought up in a Protestant home, and I have not shied away from sharing my conversion with her, which is why she comes along to Mass with me now through her own choice. I am unapologetically Catholic but I am not the only parent in the equation.
 
From the Catholic point of view…

Your daughter is over the age of reason. That means that she has to want to be baptized and has to be prepared for it. It also means that she is old enough to decide (with parental approval) which church she wants to be baptized in.

If she has asked to be baptized in the Catholic Church, why would you not support her in that decision? That makes more sense to me than saying “Anglicans are good enough and she can change later if she wants to.”
 
JoyToTheWhirled said:
For a number of months, my middle daughter has been attending Saturday 5pm Mass with me. She also attends my husband’s church on a Sunday - even when he doesn’t! She really engages with Christianity and is very tenaciously faithful. Recently she has been asking about being baptized, and I am in a bit of a quandary. She would like to be baptized in my church because she says that is the place she feels most comfortable in. But all her friends and commitments are at my husband’s church, and in all honesty, he is really not very happy about her being baptized in a Catholic church.

As far as I understand it, a full immersion trinitarian baptism in an Anglican church would be considered valid should she decide she wants to follow me into the Catholic church.

How would you advise me to proceed, in terms of encouraging her in her choice, and helping navigate the issue?
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Sounds like she is old enough to make this decision but may need some help with defending the decision to her father. I would support her decision in any way possible and make some phone calls to see what is required (this will depend upon her age) for her to become Catholic.
 
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I would take the view that she is old enough to decide for herself. Where does she want to be baptised?
Explain (or let her research) the differences between baptism in each denomination.
The fact she feels ‘more comfortable’ in the Catholic setting implies she is heading that way, but it is up to her.
 
Has she decided to be a Catholic?
I think it makes a difference whether she wants to be baptized “as a Catholic” or to be baptized “as a Christian” but would just like it to be done in your church.
 
SuscipeMeDomine said:
If she has asked to be baptized in the Catholic Church, why would you not support her in that decision? That makes more sense to me than saying “Anglicans are good enough and she can change later if she wants to.”
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Based on my read of Joy’s post, her daughter’s father is not thrilled with her participation now in the Catholic Church. The question I have is if her daughter is baptised in the CC - and therefore bound by canon law and Sunday obligation to attend under penalty of mortal sin - how does that square with the father’s opposition?

If she is baptized Anglican, her baptism would be valid.
 
Indeed, and she would need to go through RCIA, is she prepared to live as a Catholic or would she be the type to possibly follow her friends? I understand that they are not Catholic, but I’m wondering if they would make it difficult for her to live as a Catholic. If you explain what that means, or RCIA explains it, and she is happy to do so then I would baptize her Catholic.

How does your husband feel about your conversion? If he felt it was your daughters free choice would he accept it or still be unhappy?

Great that she wants to be baptized.
 
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Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut everyone. My husband is reasonably supportive of my conversion. He’s not overly happy about it, and has been a bit cold about quite a bit of it, and delights in playful mockery from time to time, but he drives me to and from Mass and asks how it went.
My daughter is the only family member who came to the Easter Vigil to see me confirmed, and was profoundly moved by it.
Of course, I’d like her to be Catholic. I’d like all my family to be Catholic! 🙂 But I am very aware that my husband is not going to be remotely supportive of the idea of her being baptized as a Catholic. This is probably the most significant issue really.
I agree with the suggestion that I need to help her explore exactly what it is she wants to pursue in terms of Church identity.
 
So the long short of it is that you and your husband need to sit down–maybe with a councilor–and decide how you are going to raise your child and the implications her Baptism caries in both religions.

It shouldn’t be a “mine vs his” conversation but how are you going to handle your daughter making decisions about religion that may displease either of you. How you will vet that your 12 year old understands she’s making a lifelong commitment…and perhaps parental help on dialing back the implied permissions that your child is allowed to make adult decisions for herself.
 
I think it should boil down to what is practical, unless she won’t be pursuaded either way.

It may be best to speak to your pastor so he can go over the practical pros and cons with you.
 
You rock, Joy !
12 years old is such a sweet age 😇
But also a very aware age !
Sounds like your faith - is moving mountains -
 
Yes, I think that is certainly the way forward. I’m only positing the question here as a way of teasing out the pertinent issues really, I don’t expect you guys to sort it out for me!
HSAT, I don’t think there is any implication that she is making adult decisions w/o our (name removed by moderator)ut. My husband’s church doesn’t see baptism as much more than a public declaration of faith, and as such, big thunderous lifelong commitments are a little out of place. I see baptism as per Catholic belief, and understand the heady follow up involved.
My concern is primarily that I want to navigate this thoughtfully, as a brand new Catholic myself, who doesn’t really have the strongest of Christian backgrounds from childhood and frankly no experience at all of kids in the Catholic church.
 
Right. She will enter something similar to RCIA but fro children.
Likely it will last a year, not a quick fix.
But anything worth doing is worth doing right, and you are in a unique position to help her a bit and also learn some more yourself!
Congratulations!
 
JoyToTheWhirled said:
Yes, I think that is certainly the way forward. I’m only positing the question here as a way of teasing out the pertinent issues really, I don’t expect you guys to sort it out for me!
HSAT, I don’t think there is any implication that she is making adult decisions w/o our (name removed by moderator)ut. My husband’s church doesn’t see baptism as much more than a public declaration of faith, and as such, big thunderous lifelong commitments are a little out of place. I see baptism as per Catholic belief, and understand the heady follow up involved.
My concern is primarily that I want to navigate this thoughtfully, as a brand new Catholic myself, who doesn’t really have the strongest of Christian backgrounds from childhood and frankly no experience at all of kids in the Catholic church.
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The way I see it is that you have opened the door to imply that she can be baptized at your church over her fathers–from my understanding, it is the one she is raised in. This is really the crux of my issue. She’s gotten to the point where she believes that she can make her own faith decisions.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just something you need to address with a 12yo. They are good at manipulation and extrapolation. So letting her pick where to get Baptized can be a dangerous proposition. You need to both be on the same page and be very clear about where your parenting lines are being drawn. Some parents allow their young daughters to pierce their ears whenever the girl decides. Some pierce their child’s ears as infants. Some tell a child when they are 7 or 12 or 16 they can. Some put the decision on chores or maturity. But most parents consider the matter and decide together so the child can understand where the groundwork is. Right now, in some ways, you’re letting your daughter dictate the ground rules without realizing it.

Regardless of where she gets Baptized you and your husband need to discuss what you are going to do about these sort of disparate parenting issues in your faith. Are you, as a family unit, ready to let your daughter decide her faith?

It’s a difficult situation. Personally, I think I would comprimise. She can be baptized anglican but can take RCIC classes with the understanding that when the time comes she will be allowed to convert or not. And no matter what the outcome both parents will work to ensure she practices that faith.
 
Ah, yes, I see what you’re saying. She has been asking for some time about baptism in my husband’s church. It came up again last week because she saw the baptisms at the Easter Vigil. All I have actually discussed with her is that I would speak to her dad about it and told her she needs to give the matter some prayer. Certainly haven’t presented it as a ‘pick a church’ scenario, more listened to her talk about her thoughts as we waited for our lift after Mass.
 
This is a good starting point for conversation, isn’t it? The huge difference in how Catholics and some Protestants view baptism.
 
If she is interested would your husband be OK with her going to RCIA? It’s not a commitment and at least gives her an understanding of your faith.
 
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