My "Affair"

[TLM08]

Years ago, a few co-workers wrongly made the assumption that I was involved in a sexual affair with female co-worker whom they did not like because of severe past conflict with her. They made this leap of logic because her and I were working on a project together and were seen (heaven forbid) laughing together. One of them even came up to me and suggested that (his words to follow)… "f#* -ing that “wh***” was a bad idea and stay away from her. At the time, I was stunned to think that this little group was thinking this about us and who was HE to tell me whom to hang around with? I held my tongue, because I felt that I did not owe him any explaination.

So I went to her about the comment and we decided to change nothing. In fact, soon after that she “made eyes” at me a time or two when they were around just to get their goat. As time went by became very good friends. Her and I would sit together at noon lunch in the cafeteria and work together whenever the opportunity presented itself, knowing full well that the others were assuming the worst. She was not the monster or “wh***” they made her out to be. Again, I felt that it was none of this was any of their business. Unfortunately, I took delight my silence as a minor form of “revenge”.

There were a few people that were not involved in the gossip mill
that I confided in and explained the situation to them. Did I sin by not announcing to the world that her and I were not having an affair?

 

[Newbie2]

Years ago, a few co-workers wrongly made the assumption that I was involved in a sexual affair with female co-worker whom they did not like because of severe past conflict with her. They made this leap of logic because her and I were working on a project together and were seen (heaven forbid) laughing together. One of them even came up to me and suggested that (his words to follow)… "f#* -ing that “wh***” was a bad idea and stay away from her. At the time, I was stunned to think that this little group was thinking this about us and who was HE to tell me whom to hang around with? I held my tongue, because I felt that I did not owe him any explaination.

So I went to her about the comment and we decided to change nothing. In fact, soon after that she “made eyes” at me a time or two when they were around just to get their goat. As time went by became very good friends. Her and I would sit together at noon lunch in the cafeteria and work together whenever the opportunity presented itself, knowing full well that the others were assuming the worst. She was not the monster or “wh***” they made her out to be. Again, I felt that it was none of this was any of their business. Unfortunately, I took delight my silence as a minor form of “revenge”.
There were a few people that were not involved in the gossip mill
that I confided in and explained the situation to them. Did I sin by not announcing to the world that her and I were not having an affair?

Feeding gossip=throwing gasoline on the fire. Vengence is mine, says the Lord. “Revenge”, depending on the motives involved, quite possibly in this case is sinful, but it’s not other forumites position to judge.

Speaking of judging, I would think that it’s more a matter of poor judgment on your part as to how to handle the situation.

What you didn’t state was if either of you were married or not. If so, this relationship is inappropriate and especially the feeding of the notion that you two are having an affair. Not to mention that this is how such affairs frequently get started. “We’re just friends” often leads down the road to “Hey, how about dinner” and so on.

If neither or you is married or involved with significant others, no problemo, it’s none of their business unless such a friendship pushes the bounds of business/office ethics.

When asked, the answer should be “No, we’re just friends.”

“Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no”.

 

[1ke]

Possibly. Sin requires full knowledge and free will along with a wrong act.

What you did was definitely wrong, and very imprudent.

Discuss it with your priest if you think you need to.

 

[TLM08]

Feeding gossip=throwing gasoline on the fire. Vengence is mine, says the Lord. “Revenge”, depending on the motives involved, quite possibly in this case is sinful, but it’s not other forumites position to judge.

Speaking of judging, I would think that it’s more a matter of poor judgment on your part as to how to handle the situation.

What you didn’t state was if either of you were married or not. If so, this relationship is inappropriate and especially the feeding of the notion that you two are having an affair. Not to mention that this is how such affairs frequently get started. “We’re just friends” often leads down the road to “Hey, how about dinner” and so on.

If neither or you is married or involved with significant others, no problemo, it’s none of their business unless such a friendship pushes the bounds of business/office ethics.

When asked, the answer should be “No, we’re just friends.”

“Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no”.

YES, both of us were married. I told my wife what was going on by the way. I maintain that this was none of their business and I had no obligation to explain anything to them. Nor was I interested in ending a friendship because of their assumptions.

Yes, I am fully aware that opposite sex friendships require good boundaries and are probably best avoided for the married. Remember, the friendship *didn’t even exist *until after the gossipers got started. The fact that one gossiper confronted me and “banned” me from talking to her was enough to justify (in my mind) these actions at the time.

 

[1ke]

YES, both of us were married. I told my wife what was going on by the way. I maintain that this was none of their business and I had no obligation to explain anything to them. Nor was I interested in ending a friendship because of their assumptions.

Yes, I am fully aware that opposite sex friendships require good boundaries and are probably best avoided for the married. Remember, the friendship *didn’t even exist *until after the gossipers got started.

You were giving *scandal *in a major way. You were provoking them to further gossip-- enabling and participating in their sin.

You were also setting up a situation in which your reputation and her reputation could be severely damaged in the workplace. It is very difficult to undo such damage with later protestations of “but we were just friends.” Managers have long memories when it comes to promotion time, and these types of office affairs are trouble with a capital T. One or both of you might now be looked on unfavorably by higher ups-- based on YOUR actions feeding the appearance of an affair. And, explaining to the boss that you weren’t “really” having an affair but just provoking the gossipers has “troublemaker” and “poor judgment” written all over it… also damaging your workplace prospects.

I think you were very immature in how you chose to handle it. You had an opportunity to squash the gossipers, help rebuild relationships between these coworkers, and foster maturity and cooperation in the workplace. Instead you chose to play a game like a 5th grader.

 

[yellowbird]

I agree with the other posters. You were doing nothing wrong to begin with, but after you knew what your jerky co-workers were thinking, you purposly tried to make it look worse.

If they thought you were a Christian, they now think you are a hypocrite. It’s a reflection on all of us.

 

[TLM08]

You were giving *scandal *in a major way. You were provoking them to further gossip-- enabling and participating in their sin.

You were also setting up a situation in which your reputation and her reputation could be severely damaged in the workplace. It is very difficult to undo such damage with later protestations of “but we were just friends.” Managers have long memories when it comes to promotion time, and these types of office affairs are trouble with a capital T. One or both of you might now be looked on unfavorably by higher ups-- based on YOUR actions feeding the appearance of an affair. And, explaining to the boss that you weren’t “really” having an affair but just provoking the gossipers has “troublemaker” and “poor judgment” written all over it… also damaging your workplace prospects.

I think you were very immature in how you chose to handle it. You had an opportunity to squash the gossipers, help rebuild relationships between these coworkers, and foster maturity and cooperation in the workplace. Instead you chose to play a game like a 5th grader.

I must add that this occurred many years ago, long before I came back to the church. Management never said one word to us about it. If they had, I would have set the record straight. In fact, our work was praised as “outstanding” at evaluation.

I understand what you are saying, but there was no “relationship building” between these people.

 

[puzzleannie]

I am pretty old fashioned and my take is that any guy put in this position should have as his first priority defending the honor of the lady involved.

My second thought as a former business owner is that you all need to quit fooling around and gossiping in the break room and get back to work.

 

[yellowbird]

I must add that this occurred many years ago, long before I came back to the church. Management never brought it up? If they had, I would have set the record straight.

I understand what you are saying, but there was no “relationship building” between these people.

Do you still work with her? If not, do you keep in touch?

 

[greythound64]

Years ago, a few co-workers wrongly made the assumption that I was involved in a sexual affair with female co-worker whom they did not like because of severe past conflict with her. They made this leap of logic because her and I were working on a project together and were seen (heaven forbid) laughing together. One of them even came up to me and suggested that (his words to follow)… "f#* -ing that “wh***” was a bad idea and stay away from her. At the time, I was stunned to think that this little group was thinking this about us and who was HE to tell me whom to hang around with? I held my tongue, because I felt that I did not owe him any explaination.

So I went to her about the comment and we decided to change nothing. In fact, soon after that she “made eyes” at me a time or two when they were around just to get their goat. As time went by became very good friends. Her and I would sit together at noon lunch in the cafeteria and work together whenever the opportunity presented itself, knowing full well that the others were assuming the worst. She was not the monster or “wh***” they made her out to be. Again, I felt that it was none of this was any of their business. Unfortunately, I took delight my silence as a minor form of “revenge”.

There were a few people that were not involved in the gossip mill
that I confided in and explained the situation to them. Did I sin by not announcing to the world that her and I were not having an affair?

Wow. Some of the people replying to your question need to look up the word hyperscrupulous. My goodness. And I also have to disagree with the theory that people of the opposite sex cant be friends. I am a tomboy and a firefighter/paramedic. I am female and most of my friends are males. I am in a relationship and dont have any trouble with friendship boundaries, and neither do they. We aren’t animals after all. I agree with the person that siad. " Relax", and discuss it with your Priest if you feel you need to.
God loves us very much.

Lanta:thumbsup:

 

[TLM08]

I am pretty old fashioned and my take is that any guy put in this position should have as his first priority defending the honor of the lady involved.

My second thought as a former business owner is that you all need to quit fooling around and gossiping in the break room and get back to work.

Regarding her honor, I considered a left hook to the chin. However the man was nearly 60 years old and I didn’t want to lose my job. Again, I was away from the church at the time.

I am not claiming complete innocence here. And it’s agreed that gossip is a terrible thing. But remember the flapping mouths that spewed poison belonged to the others.

 

[puzzleannie]

I am not claiming complete innocence here. And it’s agreed that gossip is a terrible thing. But remember the flapping mouths that spewed poison belonged to the others.

all that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing. that was said in a far graver context but the point is the same. the other cogent point is that silence gives consent, and by not speaking out immediately to correct the way-out-of-line comment by your co-worker you helped confirm and spreak the erroneous assumption. I’m not saying you should have decked him but you should have insisted firmly he cease spreading the flame.

 

[TLM08]

Do you still work with her? If not, do you keep in touch?

She has long since moved on to another local company. She is among the many other former co-workers who have moved on or retired that I have occasional email with. We never see each other or meet for coffee if that’s what you are wondering.

 

[TLM08]

I agree with the other posters. You were doing nothing wrong to begin with, but after you knew what your jerky co-workers were thinking, you purposly tried to make it look worse.

If they thought you were a Christian, they now think you are a hypocrite. It’s a reflection on all of us.

This was long before I returned to the church. I lived very much like the rest of the world in my day to day work life.

 

[1ke]

I’m not clear on why you asked this question.

You seem ready to defend your actions to the death. So, why ask if it was wrong/sinful if you are fully convinced it was not and are only going to continue to defend your actions no matter what someone else posts on the thread regarding their opinion of your actions.

 

[Elizabeth502]

TLM, I respectfully feel that you did give scandal, twice: you fed a dishonest perception that you were having an affair while married, which is bearing false witness. Another person was involved, so you scandalized her reputation as well, even though clearly the co-workers were behaving like jerks, to say the least, & perhaps deserved a different kind of prank or comment.

I think someone’s comment about scandal to Christianity does not apply unless you were parading around as a practicing Catholic or devout Christian & made that a feature of your identity at work. Then it would have increased the gravity of the sin, i.m.o…

I’ve done an awful lot of really bad things before reverting. I’m not sure that they were all included in previous “return” confessions, & sometimes I’d like to purge those sins as well. I think as we become more attached to Christ our past comes into clearer view in a way that was not so when we were less distant from that past. It’s amazing how flagrant & casual we can be in our habits, our judgments about behavior, when we are separated from grace. Behaviors kind of blur into one when our vision is clouded & undifferentiated.

Blessings,
E.

 

[yellowbird]

She has long since moved on to another local company. She is among the many other former co-workers who have moved on or retired that I have occasional email with. We never see each other or meet for coffee if that’s what you are wondering.

Yep, that’s sort of what I was wondering.

Well, what’s done is done. Since it was years ago, and you’re no longer in that situation, what made you think of it today?

I think the co-workers who first said you should leave her alone because whe was a “w” are awful… did it bother her? I think if I were her, I wouldn’t have wanted that sort of reputation so I can’t figure out why she’d want to “make eyes” at you to feed the flame? Did part of her (and you?) enjoy the attention and the thought that others imagined you were having an affair?

I don’t know… it’s odd… ? I can say with 100% conviction that I would HATE it if my husband were “pretending” to be having an affair. It makes me look like his poor wife who’s clueless to her husband’s shenanigans - even if it’s not true.

 

[Elizabeth502]

…and you also participated in the sins of others by participating in their degradation of her as well as their ongoing destruction of her reputation. You injured the reputations of each others’ spouses as well. If I were confessing this sin, I would also confess not speaking up when others reduced her to an animal object by first of all calling her a whore and secondly using the F expletive to describe the activity. I wish guys would knock it off: I know they commonly use the F word all the time, in casual conversation, as well as to be explicit about sex, but when applied to a particular individual, it’s offensive to the integrity of the woman. It degrades her by association.

I know it’s in the past, bud. You asked for opinions, so I’m giving.
:twocents:

 

[TLM08]

…and you also participated in the sins of others by participating in their degradation of her as well as their ongoing destruction of her reputation. You injured the reputations of each others’ spouses as well. If I were confessing this sin, I would also confess not speaking up when others reduced her to an animal object by first of all calling her a whore and secondly using the F expletive to describe the activity. I wish guys would knock it off: I know they commonly use the F word all the time, in casual conversation, as well as to be explicit about sex, but when applied to a particular individual, it’s offensive to the integrity of the woman. It degrades her by association.

I know it’s in the past, bud. You asked for opinions, so I’m giving.
:twocents:

If this same thing were to happen now, I would certainly handle it differently. At the time I would be considered a fallen away catholic… at best.

 

[Paul2274]

I am pretty old fashioned and my take is that any guy put in this position should have as his first priority defending the honor of the lady involved.

My second thought as a former business owner is that you all need to quit fooling around and gossiping in the break room and get back to work.

I can see defending the “lady’s” honor but if we stop and think…
with this almost “funny charade” going on and both were married (and yes even playing into this is considered scandel)
what about the feelings of their spouses???
Even if they were aware of the game going on, they may feel the effect on their reputation and what their marriage relationship would look like to others.
Remember, even if it was a game, that you are putting on an air that having an affair and being married is no big deal and you may lead someone else to think the same thing and cause them to fall into sin because you may have (although maybe not intentionally)
caused them to think it is acceptable to cheat on one’s spouse.

I would have squashed the “rumor mill” immediately for the honor of my wife!!! I love my wife enough not to play these games.

Paul