My Aspergers sister is doing my head in

[Denois]

The title probably seems really harsh and un-Christian like but I’m going to try and explain.

At 16 months old my sister was diagnosed with Aspergers. We were pretty close growing up and I have always stuck up for her. Recently she had a baby girl (she’s 21 now) and has asked me to be God mother, which I have accepted- one of my recent posts mentioned this. But the fact is, I’m not allowed to hold the baby, go near her or even acknowledge her at times without being shouted at by my sister. My sister, her fiancé and the baby live with us. They are quite short of money so I used up my student loan and placed myself in a £2000 overdraft debt to help them prepare. I don’t regret doing it and I’m glad they’re living comfortably.

But my sister treats my mum and I really badly. She screamed at my mum yesterday who had 3 minutes to get into hospital to attend her appointment for not dropping her and the baby off at the local supermarket (which was a 2 minute walk away) to buy baby milk to feed her. My mum is really ill. She suffers from severe arthritis, a severe heart condition, a neck condition and quite a bit more. She’ll probably have to have a knee replaced and my sister treats her like her personal taxi. My mum is on high doses of pain medication as her spine is deformed and many discs have slipped out. She rarely takes the pain relief anymore because if my sister wants to go somewhere with the baby in the morning and my mum isn’t able to take her my mum can pretty much say goodbye to seeing her granddaughter for the day.

I’m just so tired of it. My heart is breaking and I feel so angry towards my sister. I know that she can’t help it but it hurts so much. The niece who I’m supposed to be godmother to - I’m not even allowed to look at without being shouted at.

The straw that broke the camels back was today. As I said, I put myself into a lot of debt helping my sister out and I asked to borrow £10 so I could help my mum out with buying a wee gift for another baby who has been born into our parish. After a loud sigh she began to literally interrogate me into why I would need £10. I literally have no money and I was going to pay it back in September when my next student loan came in. I suffer with some severe metal health issues myself so I’m not really able to work right now but I hope I will be able to soon. I have money to give my mum for my keep (to help her out with food, bills ect as we’re a 7-person family at the moment) in my bank but as far as I see it - that isn’t my money and I would feel awful taking out of it knowing I couldn’t put it back in and in result leave my mum short. We’re a big family - my sister expects us to fund everything for her. And I get it - she’s struggling, but I’m just so tired of the public incidents where she screams at my mum for doing one thing wrong. I’m tired of being scared to approach my niece and watching my mum break her heart over not being able to hold her grandchild.

I’d say we’re a good family and my mum is an amazing mum. She’ll do anything for anyone- she has so much love for everyone and everything. She’s much more understanding with my sister, but I just can’t be that way anymore. It just hurts so much.

I want to pray and beg God to help me but I feel so angry. I don’t feel like my sister deserves it, nor does she appreciate my constant attempts at being kind and helping her. She just throws everything back in my face. I’m sorry this is long, I just wanted to get it out and get some opinions. Am I wrong? Am I being unjustly harsh?

Please help me, any advice would be appreciated. I’m so angry and hurt that I wish I could just get away. I don’t feel like I can live like this anymore.

 

[agnes_therese]

Has your sister had further testing and counseling regarding the Asperger’s diagnosis? I ask because I know people with Aspergers, and they don’t treat their families like this. Also, 16 months is very early for this diagnosis.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

I agree with the above poster that sixteen months is very early for a diagnosis. However, I have an acquaintance who has a teenaged son with Asperger’s, and he has been a terror all of his life, and he’s on several medications. If he gets upset with his computer, he throws it out the window, breaking the window and the computer. He refuses to go to school, insists on living on pop tarts and milk, and threatens his mother and anyone else who tries to tell him what he’s doing wrong. I do have to say that this boy’s mother is the opposite of your mother - she is lazy and cares only for herself, which is partly why her son is so awful, I think. She doesn’t even take him to counseling like she’s supposed to. Just enough to get his medication.

If your sister isn’t getting medication (or if it’s not working) or not getting counseling, I would go for counseling myself. It sounds uncharitable and un-Christian of me to write this, but I don’t think I could go through what you’re going through and remain sane. I’d need help. You sound very charitable and Christian and loving to me. I think it’s time you took care of yourself.

Good luck and God bless.

 

[Xantippe]

Has your sister had further testing and counseling regarding the Asperger’s diagnosis? I ask because I know people with Aspergers, and they don’t treat their families like this. Also, 16 months is very early for this diagnosis.

Yes.

In fact, at 16 months, I would expect it to be just a plain autism diagnosis.

Are you sure about the diagnosis? It makes a difference.

 

[Xantippe]

The title probably seems really harsh and un-Christian like but I’m going to try and explain.

At 16 months old my sister was diagnosed with Aspergers. We were pretty close growing up and I have always stuck up for her. Recently she had a baby girl (she’s 21 now) and has asked me to be God mother, which I have accepted- one of my recent posts mentioned this. But the fact is, I’m not allowed to hold the baby, go near her or even acknowledge her at times without being shouted at by my sister. My sister, her fiancé and the baby live with us. They are quite short of money so I used up my student loan and placed myself in a £2000 overdraft debt to help them prepare. I don’t regret doing it and I’m glad they’re living comfortably.

I’m glad you’re happy about it, but don’t do it again–don’t “help” people with borrowed money. If you have actual money, feel free to give–as long as your help is helping. It sounds like you are in the UK, but at least in the US, there are social services and charities that are especially eager to help young families. Young students, not so much. You are in much more material need than your sister if you are living on student loans.

But my sister treats my mum and I really badly. She screamed at my mum yesterday who had 3 minutes to get into hospital to attend her appointment for not dropping her and the baby off at the local supermarket (which was a 2 minute walk away) to buy baby milk to feed her. My mum is really ill. She suffers from severe arthritis, a severe heart condition, a neck condition and quite a bit more. She’ll probably have to have a knee replaced and my sister treats her like her personal taxi. My mum is on high doses of pain medication as her spine is deformed and many discs have slipped out. She rarely takes the pain relief anymore because if my sister wants to go somewhere with the baby in the morning and my mum isn’t able to take her my mum can pretty much say goodbye to seeing her granddaughter for the day.

**You and your mom need to get into family counseling in order to figure out how to deal with your sister and set appropriate boundaries.

Also, if you have any concerns about your sister’s parenting (and I would have a lot of concerns), be prepared to pick up the phone and call your child protective services. It sounds like your sister is going to need to be on the child protective services radar sooner or later. Anybody with temper issues like you have described is a danger to small children. I would be particularly concerned about what she is going to be like with the baby when the baby is crawling and more active. So, keep your eyes open, and do not hesitate to report your sister.

Angry and unstable mothers are very dangerous to small children.
**

I’m just so tired of it. My heart is breaking and I feel so angry towards my sister. I know that she can’t help it but it hurts so much. The niece who I’m supposed to be godmother to - I’m not even allowed to look at without being shouted at.

The straw that broke the camels back was today. As I said, I put myself into a lot of debt helping my sister out and I asked to borrow £10 so I could help my mum out with buying a wee gift for another baby who has been born into our parish.

**Again, why are you borrowing money to give gifts?

Give with real, actual money that you have earned, not borrowed money.

Please think about taking a personal finance course and educating yourself about good money management. You are in the process of creating a financial nightmare for yourself for the next 10-15 years.**

After a loud sigh she began to literally interrogate me into why I would need £10. I literally have no money and I was going to pay it back in September when my next student loan came in. I suffer with some severe metal health issues myself so I’m not really able to work right now but I hope I will be able to soon. I have money to give my mum for my keep (to help her out with food, bills ect as we’re a 7-person family at the moment) in my bank but as far as I see it - that isn’t my money and I would feel awful taking out of it knowing I couldn’t put it back in and in result leave my mum short. We’re a big family - my sister expects us to fund everything for her. And I get it - she’s struggling, but I’m just so tired of the public incidents where she screams at my mum for doing one thing wrong. I’m tired of being scared to approach my niece and watching my mum break her heart over not being able to hold her grandchild.

I’d say we’re a good family and my mum is an amazing mum. She’ll do anything for anyone- she has so much love for everyone and everything. She’s much more understanding with my sister, but I just can’t be that way anymore. It just hurts so much.

**Your mom is an enabler.

psychcentral.com/lib/are-you-an-enabler/**

I want to pray and beg God to help me but I feel so angry. I don’t feel like my sister deserves it, nor does she appreciate my constant attempts at being kind and helping her. She just throws everything back in my face. I’m sorry this is long, I just wanted to get it out and get some opinions. Am I wrong? Am I being unjustly harsh?

Please help me, any advice would be appreciated. I’m so angry and hurt that I wish I could just get away. I don’t feel like I can live like this anymore.

How about you “help” less and give your sister some more space?

 

[Xantippe]

Also, get out of the house as much as you can.

If your sister is on the autism spectrum, the living situation you describe is probably driving her nuts.

 

[DaisymaeD]

I call baloney on “sister can’t help herself”. If she has the social skills to get a long term boyfriend, then she has the social skills to behave herself like a person.

She is using the baby as leverage over all of you. Make sure she doesn’t harm the baby some day in a fit of rage.

Set limits and stick by them, and I wouldn’t give her any more money until she can act like a person.

It will be harder to get your mom on board with this, but you have to stop letting Sis get away with this, and that time is now.

It will be rough at first, as she realizes what her new normal will be, and expect tears and drama, but remember, a terrible ending is better than unending terror.

 

[Denois]

Yes.

In fact, at 16 months, I would expect it to be just a plain autism diagnosis.

Are you sure about the diagnosis? It makes a difference.

Hi sorry I confused myself. There is a 16 months age gap between my sister and I. I think she was diagnosed around the age of 4 or 5. Apologies!
And she definitely has Aspergers. She saw a doctor throughout her whole childhood who specialised in the condition. But yeah, apologies!

 

[Denois]

How about you “help” less and give your sister some more space?

Yeah, I completely agree. I’m pretty bad with money, which is a symptom of my own mental illness. It isn’t an excuse through. When I say student loan, I also mean student bursary which we don’t have to pay back. Where I live student loans are the norm. The system over here isn’t quite as strict in the states. We pay our loans back at an easy pace, I think for a £20,000 wage it’s about £15 a month. Even so, you’re right. I guess I just wanted the baby to have the best chance,

 

[Denois]

How about you “help” less and give your sister some more space?

Maybe you’re right. We live in a 3-storey house and she, her boyfriend and the baby live in the bottom. The bottom storey has a bathroom, kitchen, bedroom ect so they are quite independent in that respect.

I don’t really see her that much in the scheme of things but when I do things are hard. It’s just my nature to want to try and help. I don’t feel like I’m getting in her face or anything, I rarely bother her, but that’s the whole point.

 

[ack]

I call baloney on “sister can’t help herself”. If she has the social skills to get a long term boyfriend, then she has the social skills to behave herself like a person.

You would be surprised at how easy it is for a very dysfunctional man or woman to find a long-term SO.

The SO is often even more dysfunctional in some other way.

 

[Denois]

How about you “help” less and give your sister some more space?

Also, I’d just like to say that I’m not completely delusional. My sister isn’t a danger to her child - she loves that little baby more than anything. She just doesn’t seem to like the rest of her family. She does get stressed and there have been situations which have been ‘embarrassing’ when she gets stressed but I would never consider her a danger. She’s had medical visitors in many a time to check the baby’s progress and they are quite happy with her.

I’m not defending her as I am quite upset with her but I would never ever consider her a danger.

And my mum is enabling her but she’s too ill to do much else. We’re a family who look after each other. We’re all very close knit. It’s just hard to know what to do. I don’t like causing arguments in front of the baby, nor do I like stressing my mum out.

 

[DaisymaeD]

Dear ack–you are totally right, that water finds its level, and dysfunction finds dysfunction. I have aspergers people in my family, and I work with special needs kids!

But I still stand by my statement that if she can pull herself together long enough to act “nice” and attract a mate, then she is fully capable of acting nice to family.

 

[Xantippe]

Hi sorry I confused myself. There is a 16 months age gap between my sister and I. I think she was diagnosed around the age of 4 or 5. Apologies!
And she definitely has Aspergers. She saw a doctor throughout her whole childhood who specialised in the condition. But yeah, apologies!

That makes more sense.

I think this situation is in your mother’s hands if she is the head of the household.

She can tell your sister (if she chooses to) that your sister’s further residence in your household is contingent on your sister going to individual and family counseling.

If your sister does that, she can stay. If she doesn’t, she needs to find a new home for herself and her family.

But, if your mom isn’t on board, none of this is going to happen.

Your mom is the one that is creating this situation, not your sister.

 

[Xantippe]

You would be surprised at how easy it is for a very dysfunctional man or woman to find a long-term SO.

The SO is often even more dysfunctional in some other way.

Yes.

 

[Xantippe]

Also, I’d just like to say that I’m not completely delusional. My sister isn’t a danger to her child - she loves that little baby more than anything. She just doesn’t seem to like the rest of her family. She does get stressed and there have been situations which have been ‘embarrassing’ when she gets stressed but I would never consider her a danger. She’s had medical visitors in many a time to check the baby’s progress and they are quite happy with her.

I’m not defending her as I am quite upset with her but I would never ever consider her a danger.

And my mum is enabling her but she’s too ill to do much else. We’re a family who look after each other. We’re all very close knit. It’s just hard to know what to do. I don’t like causing arguments in front of the baby, nor do I like stressing my mum out.

You can love your baby more than anything and still be a danger to the baby, even kill a baby.

Keep your eyes open. The toddler years are very trying.

 

[esieffe]

I work with special needs kids [my day job] and have for years. My nephew has aspergers.
I passed a test that suggests that I have mild aspergers, but the doctors do not all agree.

Here is the important thing to keep in mind with someone on the spectrum. The fully realize there are rules that must be followed. The rules have to be explained to them. They are just like anyone else and are capable of grasping situations that are explained to them.

You must establish boundaries, and set consequences, and follow through. Here is the big rub, MOST people with aspergers cannot empathize with people. So if a bunch of people from your town go down in a plane crash, it will not bring about any feelings for her. It is not their fault, but if you are waiting around for her to realize the awful impact that her way out of bounds behavior is having on you and your mother… its NOT going to happen!

If you do not establish boundaries and consequences now, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that this situation is going to fall apart in a bad way. Just like the wonderful metaphor; when the cabin on a jetliner decompresses and the oxygen masks fall, you must first breath, and THEN you can help others. You and your Mom HAVE got to take care of yourselves THEN and only then, help her. I hate being so direct, but this is too important for me to mince words.

I will include all of you in my prayer intentions.

 

[Xantippe]

I work with special needs kids [my day job] and have for years. My nephew has aspergers.
I passed a test that suggests that I have mild aspergers, but the doctors do not all agree.

Here is the important thing to keep in mind with someone on the spectrum. The fully realize there are rules that must be followed. The rules have to be explained to them. They are just like anyone else and are capable of grasping situations that are explained to them.

You must establish boundaries, and set consequences, and follow through. Here is the big rub, MOST people with aspergers cannot empathize with people. So if a bunch of people from your town go down in a plane crash, it will not bring about any feelings for her. It is not their fault, but if you are waiting around for her to realize the awful impact that her way out of bounds behavior is having on you and your mother… its NOT going to happen!

If you do not establish boundaries and consequences now, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that this situation is going to fall apart in a bad way. Just like the wonderful metaphor; when the cabin on a jetliner decompresses and the oxygen masks fall, you must first breath, and THEN you can help others. You and your Mom HAVE got to take care of yourselves THEN and only then, help her. I hate being so direct, but this is too important for me to mince words.

I will include all of you in my prayer intentions.

Yes.

And having trouble regulating temper and having uncontrollable rages is an Asperger’s an autistic feature.

If your family wants to help your sister live a happier and more productive life, she’s going to have to learn to control her temper. It’s going to destroy all of her relationships and the possibility of a successful future (both at home and with regard to career) unless she gets control of herself.

If she can’t do it by herself, she needs to do therapy and get help at managing herself.

 

[esieffe]

Yes.

And having trouble regulating temper and having uncontrollable rages is an Asperger’s an autistic feature.

If your family wants to help your sister live a happier and more productive life, she’s going to have to learn to control her temper. It’s going to destroy all of her relationships and the possibility of a successful future (both at home and with regard to career) unless she gets control of herself.

If she can’t do it by herself, she needs to do therapy and get help at managing herself.

 

[Sarcelle]

I work with special needs kids [my day job] and have for years. My nephew has aspergers.
I passed a test that suggests that I have mild aspergers, but the doctors do not all agree.

Here is the important thing to keep in mind with someone on the spectrum. The fully realize there are rules that must be followed. The rules have to be explained to them. They are just like anyone else and are capable of grasping situations that are explained to them.

You must establish boundaries, and set consequences, and follow through. Here is the big rub, MOST people with aspergers cannot empathize with people. So if a bunch of people from your town go down in a plane crash, it will not bring about any feelings for her. It is not their fault, but if you are waiting around for her to realize the awful impact that her way out of bounds behavior is having on you and your mother… its NOT going to happen!

If you do not establish boundaries and consequences now, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that this situation is going to fall apart in a bad way. Just like the wonderful metaphor; when the cabin on a jetliner decompresses and the oxygen masks fall, you must first breath, and THEN you can help others. You and your Mom HAVE got to take care of yourselves THEN and only then, help her. I hate being so direct, but this is too important for me to mince words.

I will include all of you in my prayer intentions.

I was diagnosed with Autism at age 7. I definitely can empathize but I do not know how to express it to another person. At most, I can mimic what other people do to display empathy, but I definitely can empathize.

I thought it was sociopaths that cannot empathize and while I am autistic, I am by no means a sociopath. Autistics like predictability and set routines and I can imagine having a baby is a huge disruption in one’s life hence the sister’s reaction. Autistics find it difficult when their set routines are disrupted.