My autistic son and church

[irisheyes17]

I’m having a really hard time making it to church with our 4 year old son who has autism. He is mostly non verbal and does not yet understand when its time to be quiet. I’ve tried the quiet room at several churches and even that was too difficult. I looked into special needs masses and they are few and far between. Our diocese holds them once a month and it is over an hour away from us. I’m feeling really frustrated and sad. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be comfortable bringing my son to church. Then I spoke to the religious ed department today at my church and they said that they will try to accomodate him but they don’t always have special ed teachers to teach. I just feel really sad because I want to involve my son in his religion and church as much as possible but the church doesn’t seem to have enough in place for our special needs children. Autism is more prevalent than ever and so many children are going to be coming in to the church with these issues. I wish there was a mass every week for special needs children and I wish they could 100% count on having special needs teachers for religious ed. I worry if my son will ever be able to make his communion or confirmation. I’m thinking of speaking to a priest about my worries. Just needed to vent and was wondering if there are any other special needs parents out there feeling this way too.

 

[Hatikvah]

I’m very glad that you want your son to get involved in church and have a relationship with God. That’s a great thing!

Because I’m not Catholic, nor do I have children, nor do I have any experience with those with special needs, I think that all I can do is pray for your family and prescribe you some saints.

Sts. Cosmas and Damian, twin brothers, both doctors and martyrs, are the patron saints of children and for the protection of children.

St. Joseph of Cupertino (yes, the flying one) is for learning or mental disabilites and for test-taking, and he is a powerful intercessor in these issues.

God bless you and your son.

 

[irisheyes17]

Thank you for your prayers. I will definitely ask these saints to intercede. I appreciate your kind words.

 

[peter26]

How about trying to find a shorter Mass, maybe a said Mass. This would usually be either early morning (8am), Sunday evening or a vigil. There will be less ceremony, it could be as little as 45-50 minutes in total, there are less things one needs to do (i.e. find hymns, remember Mass settings etc). Also if noise is a problem, a physically larger church may be better. More space to sit away from and therefore not annoy others. In a large building where you can have a bit of space, being noisy will be less of a problem. In a small church, it will be more noticeable.

 

[pianistclare]

The DRE should teach him herself, and incorporate him into regular classes often.
Keep looking.
Contact your Diocese for the person in charge of Disability Ministry.
They should be able to help you.
God bless.

 

[Joe_5859]

I’m on both sides of the fence as a parent of a child with autism and a parish DRE.

My son is 7 and is still mostly non-verbal. Mass can be difficult. Honestly, it was easier when he was younger than it is now. When he was little, I could hold him the whole time and he would mainly be still and quiet. Now, not so much.

We still generally sit up front, but that definitely helps me grow in humility. I’m not sure I have an answer for you on what the best thing to do is. I know, for us, the cry room was always the worst place to be. It’s like he can pick up on the distractedness of others because he would always want to be running all over the place when we sat in the cry room. He tends to do best up front (which is not to say he always does that well these days).

I’m sure he’s distracting to others around me, and that does weigh on me, but I’m certain there is a place for him at Mass. So I will never let my discomfort lead me to stop bringing him to Mass. It’s definitely been teaching me new ways to unite my sufferings to Christ.

We often give him a small amount of silly putty to rub between his fingers. Having something like that makes things easier most of the time.

As to the place for special needs children in Church, there certainly is more that needs to be done, but it’s going to take people like us to do it, whether by giving of our time or raising awareness and finding the resources. Would that every Catholic tithed and every parish had more than enough resources to hire a slew of trained, special ed teachers. And would that vocations to priesthood and religious life were booming such that every parish had a slew of priests and nuns, some of whom are trained in special education. Unfortunately, that’s not where we are at. Most all parish CCD classes are taught by volunteers. And these volunteers usually have day jobs and don’t necessarily have special training when it comes to teaching at all let alone teaching special needs children. We do what we can to accommodate, but that’s not always as much as we’d like.

It’s hard. No denying that. My son is of the age to receive First Communion, but that’s not going to be happening for him this year. I’ve got a degree in Theology and I can’t even tell how much of the faith is really sinking in for my son. God can be a tough concept to wrap our minds around when we are “neuro-typical”. For those with autism, it can be even more difficult.

But we keep praying and keep on moving forward. I know that God loves my son. And I know that he has a place in the Church. I haven’t quite figured out how it all works. It’s a work in progress. I would just encourage you that there are other Catholics out there who are going through the same thing that you are going through.

I had one mother of an autistic girl who is now in her 20s tell my wife and I “The Church needs our kids.” I think she’s right. We are many parts and one Body in Christ as the Church. Special needs people are part of the same body that we all are part of. Raising a special needs child is certainly challenging. But he’s also such a source of joy. When I look at him, I know that God loves me so much to have entrusted my son to me. I see what it means to know joy with no pretense whenever my son smiles at me. And, God definitely knows, having a special needs child is a great way to learn selflessness and weed out selfishness.

Sorry for going on and on. You caught me at an emotional time. I will keep you and your family in prayer. Pray for my family, too.

 

[1990Domer]

I, too, have gone through suffering when trying to take my DS to Mass. We do not have a cry room, so we used the chapel when my son was younger (the chapel had windows that faced out to the mail church. I can’t remember what age he made it into the “big church.” It was somewhere around the age of five. And it was a huge accomplishment. He often covered his ears when the organ played and say, “too loud.” Sometimes we took him outside.

After lots and lots and lots of prayers, who knew at age 14 he would be an altar boy and discerning a religious vocation. Nothing is impossible with God.

I think taking pictures or getting a coloring book about the different parts of the church or the symbols of the church really helped my son. We would allow him to draw during Mass. Little did we know that, even with limited verbal skills back then, he was taking everything in. Then almost like magic, the switch turned on and he made large developmental leaps in a small amount of time. He may still be quirky and miss social cues, but he is so devout and pious. He literally receives compliments on how reverent he is on the altar. If you asked me 11 years ago, I would have never believed it!

I feel my child is getting me and my husband to Heaven, as he has taught us more about patience, acceptance and humility than I ever would have had. Our RE director asked if I would be willing to teach one on one to kids that needed extra help. They would be in their regular class but could have an aid to help them with tougher assignments or topics. I was overjoyed, as I had been advocating for this for years. I am more than happy to give back.

I am not saying it won’t be discouraging, that you won’t want to throw in the towel, and there will be tears, stares and maybe an angry comment or two. However, you will see God working through your son.

God bless.

 

[Elena321]

Irish Eyes 17-I can’t offer any advice but I will definitely pray for your son to welcomed and accepted whenever you go to Church and that everyone’s eyes be opened to how special(in the genuine sense) that these children(and adults) truly are.

 

[Elena321]

Thank you for sharing. Please be assured of my prayers. I am sure you already know this, however I am cutting-and-pasting (primarily for others who may have read your post and are discouraged) that a 7-year-old son of a director of religious education is not able to receive his First Holy Communion.

This is a cut-and-paste from the USCCB Guidelines for reception of the Sacraments for Persons with Disabilities. The guidelines are that the person is supposed to be “nourished by the sacrament as early as possible” and that indicating there is something special about Jesus in the sacrament can be done non-verbally, even by a smile, or an eye gesture!

Personally (this is not Catholic church teaching) I believe that compared to the Almighty God, there is very little difference between the brilliance of St. Thomas Aquinas and my child who had very little understanding of anything and the most simple faith imaginable. That is why I don’t think it is necessarily fair to measure how much of our faith is sinking in to our children by high standards. Our children will only absorb as much of the faith as they are able to, period. They will give God all that they have! This is beautiful and all God expects from any of us! I hope your son can receive one day soon, hang in there you are doing the best you can!

EXCERPT FROM USCCB GUIDELINES ON RECEPTION ON SACRAMENTS FOR PERSONS WITH DISABILITIES: EUCHARIST

1. The Eucharist is the most august sacrament, in which Christ the Lord himself is
   contained, offered, and received, and by which the Church constantly lives and grows. It
   is the summit and the source of all Christian worship and life, signifying and effecting the
   unity of the people of God, providing spiritual nourishment for the recipient, and
   achieving the building up of the Body of Christ. The celebration of the Eucharist is the
   center of the entire Christian life (Canon 897).
2. Parents, those who take the place of parents, and pastors are to see to it that children
   who have reached the use of reason are correctly prepared and are nourished by the Eucharist as early as possible. Pastors are to be vigilant lest any children come to the
   Holy Banquet who have not reached the use of reason or whom they judge are not
   sufficiently disposed (Canon 914). It is important to note, however, that the criterion for
   reception of holy communion is the same for persons with developmental and mental
   disabilities as for all persons, namely,** that the person be able to distinguish the Body of
   Christ from ordinary food, even if this recognition is evidenced through manner, gesture,
   or reverential silence rather than verbally**. Pastors are encouraged to consult with parents,
   those who take the place of parents, diocesan personnel involved with disability issues,
   psychologists, religious educators, and other experts in making their judgment. If it is
   determined that a parishioner who is disabled is not ready to receive the sacrament, great
   care is to be taken in explaining the reasons for this decision. Cases of doubt should be
   resolved in favor of the right of the baptized person to receive the sacrament. The
   existence of a disability is not considered in and of itself as disqualifying a person from
   receiving the Eucharist.

If you don’t mind,would you be able to tell me what is the situation for children (or adults) with Autism or other cognitive issue who can’t grasp the meaning of Jesus and sin fully?
Some children with Autism may understand it cognitively but may be be non verbal but still able to show they comprehend through emotional expression or body language but with other children with Autism,they sometimes can be affected more seriously in regards to their comprehension and ability to feel emotion.They sometimes cannot feel love for their parents so what happens if they can’t feel love for Jesus or understand about His/his significance/specialness?

Even with some “neurotypical” people it can take years before they understand properly.
Eg:my parents are Catholics raised in a Catholic country etc but they still don’t fully get that the bread means more than just bread.
My father probably understands it more than my mother but even he views it sort of as some “spiritual thing that can help people” but not understanding that people shouldn’t receive it if they are in mortal sin.
As for me,I don’t have Autism but I wasn’t able to understand the teachings as a child.
I vaguely remember sitting in Church and “it all going over my head”.
Maybe I’m a rarity,I don’t know,but I did excel at many other subjects at school so who knows…

 

[slh3016]

It’s hard. No denying that. My son is of the age to receive First Communion, but that’s not going to be happening for him this year. I’ve got a degree in Theology and I can’t even tell how much of the faith is really sinking in for my son. God can be a tough concept to wrap our minds around when we are “neuro-typical”. For those with autism, it can be even more difficult.

This statement perplexes me because Eastern Catholic infants receive Holy Communion and Chrismation from birth and they are in full communion with the Latin Church. Therefore, as a matter of theology, it seems that the inability or lack of “faith sinking in”, “understanding”, etc. really should not hinder one from the sacrament of baptism OR Holy Communion. Now, I understand that this may be more of an issue with the Latin Church government, but not one of theology. Otherwise, EC’s (and EO) are inappropriately giving communion to persons not eligible for it.

 

[Mrs_V]

I want to offer my prayers. One of our children is on the spectrum as well and it just took a lot of patience (and hand wringing) but eventually he started to do better. We were persistent. There were many years where we were going to mass but not really able to ‘mentally’ attend. I hope it gets easier for your child and family soon.

 

[Rosebud77]

This statement perplexes me because Eastern Catholic infants receive Holy Communion and Chrismation from birth and they are in full communion with the Latin Church. Therefore, as a matter of theology, it seems that the inability or lack of “faith sinking in”, “understanding”, etc. really should not hinder one from the sacrament of baptism OR Holy Communion. Now, I understand that this may be more of an issue with the Latin Church government, but not one of theology. Otherwise, EC’s (and EO) are inappropriately giving communion to persons not eligible for it.

I was wondering this too. Remembering a severely mentally handicapped young adult at Mass at Rossnowlagh going up for communion. As was right.

 

[slh3016]

I am going to quote your first sentence only and stop there deliberately. The reason is because I do not grasp the meaning of Jesus and sin fully, and I don’t think that you do either, and I don’t think Pope Francis does, and I don’t think St. Thomas Aquinas did, and I don’t think St. Augustine did…I could go on.

You went on in your post to say “it can take years before some people understand properly” but frankly I don’t think any human being understands properly…EVER! This is a blessing! We are all as little children compared to the Almighty God. We are all his little children which is perfectly fine. Jesus said this is the way our faith was supposed to be!

I didn’t understand fully what was going on at my First Communion when I was a child, and when I go to Mass now (I am a grown woman) I don’t understand fully either. But back then I loved Jesus simply. Even though I was distracted by my pretty white dress and veil. Now I love Jesus simply too, even though I am distracted by my problems and my sins.

If some of the things you learned as a child went over your head you are not alone. Perhaps now is a good time to go deeper, Jesus may be calling you to learn more and grow closer to Him that is always a good thing. Hope this helps, God bless.

^^^^^This is such a brilliant response. How true that none of us will ever fully grasp the enormity of Christ’s Sacrifice. The most beautiful event I ever saw was a mentally and physically handicapped girl receive First Holy Communion when my DD’s did this past spring. It was truly humbling and reduced me to a mess of tears

 

[RedSoxWife]

I’m having a really hard time making it to church with our 4 year old son who has autism. He is mostly non verbal and does not yet understand when its time to be quiet. I’ve tried the quiet room at several churches and even that was too difficult. I looked into special needs masses and they are few and far between. Our diocese holds them once a month and it is over an hour away from us. I’m feeling really frustrated and sad. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be comfortable bringing my son to church. Then I spoke to the religious ed department today at my church and they said that they will try to accomodate him but they don’t always have special ed teachers to teach. I just feel really sad because I want to involve my son in his religion and church as much as possible but the church doesn’t seem to have enough in place for our special needs children. Autism is more prevalent than ever and so many children are going to be coming in to the church with these issues. I wish there was a mass every week for special needs children and I wish they could 100% count on having special needs teachers for religious ed. I worry if my son will ever be able to make his communion or confirmation. I’m thinking of speaking to a priest about my worries. Just needed to vent and was wondering if there are any other special needs parents out there feeling this way too.

Hi IrishEyes17! I have a six year old daughter on the more severe side of the spectrum. Mass was so hard when she was three and four and five and even sometimes still. But it has gotten easier. We used to have to go out constantly, but now we can actually stay in the cry room. I think, in the sixty minutes of the last Mass I probably had to redirect her attention about thirty time… but there were no major outbursts.

I could never have imagined that being even a possibility when she was four.

I think, one thing that I’ve learned over the last three years, is that it’s so hard to know where she’s going to be developmentally from month to month. It would have been impossible for the me of three years ago, being told she was in the lowest one percentile of functioning for children on the autism spectrum, to imagine the child that she is today. I mean, we definitely still have our challenges, and our challenging days, but I’m finally starting to feel like there’s a place for us in our parish and Mass is getting a little less impossible feeling.

The other resource I wanted to pass along are these kits. They’re religious education programs for special needs kids. Our old parish had them, and I wanted to pass them along.

Prayers for you and your family!

 

[praccath]

Dear irisheyes -

My family and I are in a similar situation. Our daughter is on the spectrum and simply cannot pay attention during mass. We bring a “church time kit” along with us, which consists of Catholic books for children and a stack of holy cards held together by a keychain. When we are really having a rough time, we bring her weighted vest and a weighted lap pad to help keep her a little more calm.

Some helpful items for your son may be “manipulatives” such as putty or any type of item he can squeeze. Perhaps he would like to look at the missal during mass. Our daughter does!

We are about to start Faith Formation classes and I am unsure as to whether she will be able to attend. I may request to bring the materials home and teach her myself. I am currently on a mission to get special needs students in Catholic schools. I hope that one day soon we will see the inclusion of ALL special needs kids - no matter the disability -in all Catholic schools across the country!

May God bless you and your family!

St. Thomas Aquinas, pray for us!

Sincerely,

• praccath

 

[gardenswithkids]

I’m having a really hard time making it to church with our 4 year old son who has autism. He is mostly non verbal and does not yet understand when its time to be quiet. I’ve tried the quiet room at several churches and even that was too difficult. .

Hello and welcome!

Please know that you and your child are welcome at Mass. Autism or not, I always found Mass with a four year old difficult! Trying to keep any young child quiet can be a challenge. I have lots of children, and how I handled it, depended on the child.

Look at his daily schedule compared to the Mass time schedule. If he’s generally tired and irritable at 10 am, avoid a Mass at that time. Regardless of the typical snack time, I made sure they were fed right before we left-- as a hungry child is far more prone to meltdowns. (I’m also one of “those” moms who lets young kids eat dry cereal.) I dress my children neatly but in comfortable Church clothes. Sensory issues are common with children on the spectrum, so if you are putting your son in tight, scratchy or otherwise irritating clothes for Mass, find something else for him to wear. Also if you hadn’t already thought about it, there are* lots *of sensory experiences happening at Mass! Think about any sensory issues that your child might have (loud music, flickering lights, funny noises from a malfunctioning sound system, smells from incense or the perfume of the woman next to you…) and see if there are some slight modifications you can make. (Some of what’s at Church can serve to teach your non-verbal child without using words, such as touching holy water, bending knees, and seeing beautiful stained glass windows.)

If a parish has Mass with music and a service that typically exceeds an hour, perhaps look for a Mass without music and/or with a shorter homily. Even a very well behaved young child can only sit still and quite for so long. (Besides being the annoying person who lets her kids eat cereal, I also make it a point* not* to arrive early.) If the child is quiet for a half hour, then arriving right at the start of a Mass that has little or no music and a short homily might be enough to get the child through Mass without lots of disruption. And then Mass becomes part of their routine. Once it’s routine for the child, it’s much easier for both of you.

 

[holyrood]

OP, I can relate. I have twin boys on the autism spectrum, now in their teens. Now, today, you might think one of them is a bit immature, but it’s still been a very long road. We’ve had days when other families left the cry room because of their behavior. Even now, I don’t expect to get through a Mass without something happening–although it’s far better than it was.

I have spent years, however, talking with them at home about what is happening at Mass, about faith, about why we follow it and read the Bible. We say a family Rosary–at times, almost every night, at other times, not so often, but it’s always been a part of their lives. We talk multiple times a week, at home, about how our faith plays into our daily lives–for instance, what happened at school and what the proper response would have been.

One thing my daughter mentioned just this week is that they both behaved far better in the cathedral for Mass than in our very modern-architecture church. They themselves said it made a difference. I haven’t had a chance to talk with them about that, but I found it interesting.

 

[Rosebud77]

OP, I can relate. I have twin boys on the autism spectrum, now in their teens. Now, today, you might think one of them is a bit immature, but it’s still been a very long road. We’ve had days when other families left the cry room because of their behavior. Even now, I don’t expect to get through a Mass without something happening–although it’s far better than it was.

I have spent years, however, talking with them at home about what is happening at Mass, about faith, about why we follow it and read the Bible. We say a family Rosary–at times, almost every night, at other times, not so often, but it’s always been a part of their lives. We talk multiple times a week, at home, about how our faith plays into our daily lives–for instance, what happened at school and what the proper response would have been.

One thing my daughter mentioned just this week is that they both behaved far better in the cathedral for Mass than in our very modern-architecture church. They themselves said it made a difference. I haven’t had a chance to talk with them about that, but I found it interesting.

Cathedrals are sheltering places… The arches curve and protect and the light is more diffused. Thank you for this. I find the same.also cathedrals have been prayed in foe centuries, The one here has a deep atmosphere that quietens, When I learned it was used, half built, as a hospital during the Famine, I understood why

 

[jeannetherese]

Hi IrishEyes,
We have an autistic child at one of the churches I frequent who is about the same age. He and his family like to be in the back of the church (separated by glass doors ) where he is able to see and to be able to move freely.
The parishioners who share this space are used to his movement and periodic interruptions/vocalizations and he is well loved.
I hope that reading of the joy I experience whenever I assist at this Mass and see this little boy also assisting, in his own way, will help you with your discomfort.
He reminds me of Christ’s call to let the little children come unto Him.
May God bless you and your child and all of our autistic children.
Amen.