My Best Friend Constantly Offends Me - Help

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MGEISING

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I need help. My best friend often offends me by her negative Catholic remarks. I have been extremely patient with her, especially since her husband is wonderful and is very faithful to the Catholic Faith.

Recently we have had a fallen out - because of a comment made by her about Catholism. I got extremely angry - and mentioned to her that it is fine that we have opinions, but we must be charitable.

Well, no good has come of this … she has stopped speaking with me because she feels she has opinions and she should have to worry about what to say. My feeling is … yes, we have opinions, but we must execute them with a feeling of being charitable. I really love this friend … but I WILL NOT back down on how I feel that one should behave with friends.

Any advise. I haven’t heard from her in a week, but on the other hand … I don’t feel I shoudl gave in. I am praying , praying, praying …

Thanks 👍
 
my suggestion comes from cs lewis. friendship, he says, is when two people stand side-by-side and look at a common interest. seldom, if ever, do they stand and look AT each other.

it sounds to me like your friendship has shifted a bit, to looking AT one another, rather than at a common interest. for the sake of saving your friendship (and perhaps your friend!) i would suggest finding a common interest (which you probably already have) and let the ‘catholic debate’ go. focus on the things you have in common. be her friend. love her. don’t bring up the catholic stuff, and if she does, demonstrate your reluctance to rehash your differences.

my roommate is very non-catholic. he’s a christian, but is adamant in his refutation of the true presence of Christ in the Eucharist. i’ve pretty much just let that bit go, and we focus on what we both believe in. from time to time, i hesitatingly (and i tell him i hesitate) share with him something i’ve learned that is particularly catholic. he listens, and appreciates, and shares his views. it’s returned to a healthy mutual respect for views that are not completely reconcilable.

fortunately, we are called to love everyone, even our enemies. so in this case, your orders are clear. love your friend! 🙂 find her ‘love language’ if you don’t already know it, and express love to her that way. as you grow in your intimacy, perhaps the door will open again to discuss your differences. if not, then forcing the door will only get it locked.

God bless as you reach out to your friend.
 
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MGEISING:
I need help. My best friend often offends me by her negative Catholic remarks. I have been extremely patient with her, especially since her husband is wonderful and is very faithful to the Catholic Faith.

Recently we have had a fallen out - because of a comment made by her about Catholism. I got extremely angry - and mentioned to her that it is fine that we have opinions, but we must be charitable.

Well, no good has come of this … she has stopped speaking with me because she feels she has opinions and she should have to worry about what to say. My feeling is … yes, we have opinions, but we must execute them with a feeling of being charitable. I really love this friend … but I WILL NOT back down on how I feel that one should behave with friends.

Any advise. I haven’t heard from her in a week, but on the other hand … I don’t feel I shoudl gave in. I am praying , praying, praying …

Thanks
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Dear MGEISING,

I love talking to people of other faiths, e.g. Christian, Muslim, Hindu, about their beliefs and Catholic beliefs, and I’ve found that if I bring a genuine curiosity about what they believe and a non-judgmental attitude to the discussion, even people who think they hate Catholics find that we’re not so bad.

From the tone of your letter, I am concerned that your feel judgmental about her just as she seems to about you. She may have acted poorly or may have started it, but if you love her and forgive her, you won’t have to rub it in her face or even remind her of it. It is good that you have exercised patience, but is it just that you have been holding in your ire, or is the patience a genuine expression of your unconditional love for her?

It is interesting that her husband is a devout Catholic and here she is badmouthing Catholics to you. It makes me wonder whether she feels jealous that her husband sees something in Catholicism that she doesn’t – or worse, that he doesn’t see in her. This is really going out on a limb, but could she be trying to put down Catholics to elevate herself in the eyes of her husband, or to lower the chances that he might become attracted to a Catholic woman? This may be totally ridiculous but I’m just throwing it out there to cover the bases.

As far as the actual discussions with her, I suggest you try taking off your shields and listen to her the next time she says something. Instead of defending yourself, use a very calm voice to ask her something fairly benign, such as, “what part of that practice bothers you the most,” or “if you don’t believe that, what do you believe about that subject.” If she is saying something way off base, try “I agree with you and have trouble with it too, but I think you’ll be relieved to hear that we don’t actually believe that.” Get her to start telling you what her beliefs are, and be interested. If possible, if you can get her telling you her value system, highlight your points of agreement until you gain her trust and feel confident enough to say, “that’s interesting; we look at it a different way.”

Anyway I have more to suggest, but I hope this gives you a starter. You might also consider checking out the book “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense” by Suzette Hadin Elgin, which unfortunately is out of print but your library or a used book store might have it. She does have some follow-up volumes, which I have not looked at. Also there are ways to confront her directly that I learned in an assertiveness class, but I’ll save that for a future post since this one is almost too long already.

Alan

P.S. It isn’t about “giving in” as I see it, as much as it is showing unconditional love. You love her and accept her even though she has this anger problem. When she sees how well you do it, she may learn it herself.
 
There is very good advice here. My only other point is that you should not back down if that means that she will see that as “forgive and forget” and back to business as usual. If she is unwilling to curb her anti-Catholic remarks and gets some satisfaction in lashing out in this way, you may need to put some “distance” in your friendship. An important part of any relationship–friendship or love–is being able to subordinate your own needs for the benefit of the other person and the relationship. So if she is so thoughtless that she doesn’t care what the effect of her unkind words is on you, then you need to take that into consideration in how you view your friendship with her. Keep praying for guidance and for your friend.
 
Hello MGEISING,

Jesus tells us that He does not bring peace but a sword. Mother will be set against son and daughter against father. (Sorry, my computor is struggling with a virus or I would use my bible on disk to post His words.)

Jesus tells of how evil the Jewish Pharisees are and they, in turn, instegate His crucifixion.

Religion is not always peaceful and easy. In the controversy between the Protestants and Catholics, truth and people’s souls are at stake. One must stay strong in their convictions.

I would try to establish religion as an out of bounds area in your conversations. You have the right to demand self respect. If your friend refuses to respect such boundrys then you will have to make a decision. You can either live with her insults toward you or end the friendship. I have been around anti Catholics many times and coming to any peaceful understandings on religion is rare.

Jesus never said following Him would be easy.

Peace in Christ,
Steven Merten
www.ILOVEYOUGOD.com
 
What would be your reaction if your friend constantly put down your husband, made fun of his job, accent, table manners, bald spot, ethnic background, his goofy laugh, his golf handicap, the way he disciplines your kids? Sounds like you need some new friends.
 
I can think of any number of choice responses to such a bigot, but this is a G-rated board. (Except for the Family Life board–that’s at least PG-13).

The best you can do is stretch the friendship as far as possible–the the point of compromise. But once you reach the point of compromise, don’t. That’s when you can tell your friend that you’ve done the best you could to remain friends, but she’s too ignorant to appreciate what she’s got in you. You can tell her that snarky comments aren’t the signs of intelligence. Or, you can really guilt-trip her with something like “I didn’t know you were so intent on throwing away our friendship. I apologize for presuming there was something here. Oh, and best of luck in Hell.”

Well, maybe not that last part…

The point is, don’t get bent out of shape over ignorant bigots. I used to take on everyone who made a comment. Now, I just laugh in their faces and ask them if they learned their history from a Dr. Seuss book.
 
I agree with the advice that’s been already given to you, in particular the post by Steven Merten that suggested establishing religion as an “out-of-bounds” area of conversation.

Having said that, I will warn you that this friendship may not survive. I say this from my own experience: I had a friend that I had known since the first grade–first grade!—in Catholic elementary school. We were best friends throughout school, though we drifted apart when we went to different high schools and then college. After we were both married, the friendship resumed. Unfortunately, she became fond of making snarky comments about the Church, as she was always off searching for some wierd “esoteric Christianity”, which included, among other things, reincarnation, the Rosacrucians (sp?), and Tai Chi. Not for her that boring ol’ orthodoxy…Anyway, when I was an ignorant Catholic I simply put up with the comments without a word, but after I began to know more about my faith I wouldn’t put up with the comments anymore. That created problems, as she just wasn’t used to me standing up for the Church and initially didn’t know how to react. It became an area that we avoided. That worked, though not very well, until she became a died-in-the-wool, hard-core atheist. Now she let it be known that scorn was appropriately heaped upon the heads of all theists, not just Catholics, though clearly Catholics were the worst offenders against reason and intelligence. Our friendship did not survive this—and how could it? When someone who supposedly likes and respects you has nothing but contempt for your values and their source, how can there be friendship? A shared youth, in our case, was the only thing that had kept the friendship going for as long as it did. I do pray for her, though…and hope that someday the friendship will be resumed—by her return to the Church.
 
Congratuluations! You are on the way to sainthood. You probably cannot change your friend but you can change the way you react to insults. A great way is to read on the lives of the saints. St. Faustina endured many insults from her peers and they were Catholic and nuns. Learn from her example. Almost all the saints endured sufferings from their own community. When you read of her sufferings it can make yours endurable, you endure them not for yourself but for God and the other person.

When you endure insults as the great saints you begin to become one yourself.
 
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jeffreedy789:
my suggestion comes from cs lewis. friendship, he says, is when two people stand side-by-side and look at a common interest. seldom, if ever, do they stand and look AT each other.
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How true. And correct of course … but I need to get over how I have been feeling about this … I just feel like a failure … because I have let her down, but on the other hand, I can’t take the negative abuse like I have. I get it from my Baptist inlaws all the time. I would have hoped that I could find refuge with friends.

But listen to me again, it would seem it is all about me and I am not that type of person. I am struggling very much 😦

Thanks so much for the awesome message! I need to hear that!

:eek: :eek: :eek:
 
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AlanFromWichita:
Dear MGEISING,
From the tone of your letter, I am concerned that your feel judgmental about her just as she seems to about you. She may have acted poorly or may have started it, but if you love her and forgive her, you won’t have to rub it in her face or even remind her of it. It is good that you have exercised patience, but is it just that you have been holding in your ire, or is the patience a genuine expression of your unconditional love for her?

It is interesting that her husband is a devout Catholic and here she is badmouthing Catholics to you. It makes me wonder whether she feels jealous that her husband sees something in Catholicism that she doesn’t – or worse, that he doesn’t see in her.
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I know and you are right. I have had years of her battering out faith (and she is Catholic). I have always been loving in response back … but this time … it really struck me … do I want someone like this as a friend. I get this from my Bapist inlaws … do I want it from friends.

I think it is fine to have an opinion … but you need to express that charitable, and if at all possible … informative. Have an informed opinion …

She has often mentioned she is looking into Budda as her God. I ignore it … because I think it is just another way to egg something on.

Most of our conversations arne’t Catholic … I try and steer clear away from that topic. Her husband is open to books and tapes I give him, but she just makes fun of them.

It is extremely hurtful … I do love her … I love her hubby and they have no children. She has had a horrendous childhood also … which really plays into her negativity about Catholics. 😦

Me
 
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AlanFromWichita:
Dear MGEISING,

I love talking to people of other faiths, e.g. Christian, Muslim, Hindu, about their beliefs and Catholic beliefs, and I’ve found that if I bring a genuine curiosity about what they believe and a non-judgmental attitude to the discussion, even people who think they hate Catholics find that we’re not so bad.

From the tone of your letter, I am concerned that your feel judgmental about her just as she seems to about you. She may have acted poorly or may have started it, but if you love her and forgive her, you won’t have to rub it in her face or even remind her of it. It is good that you have exercised patience, but is it just that you have been holding in your ire, or is the patience a genuine expression of your unconditional love for her?

It is interesting that her husband is a devout Catholic and here she is badmouthing Catholics to you. It makes me wonder whether she feels jealous that her husband sees something in Catholicism that she doesn’t – or worse, that he doesn’t see in her. This is really going out on a limb, but could she be trying to put down Catholics to elevate herself in the eyes of her husband, or to lower the chances that he might become attracted to a Catholic woman? This may be totally ridiculous but I’m just throwing it out there to cover the bases.

As far as the actual discussions with her, I suggest you try taking off your shields and listen to her the next time she says something. Instead of defending yourself, use a very calm voice to ask her something fairly benign, such as, “what part of that practice bothers you the most,” or “if you don’t believe that, what do you believe about that subject.” If she is saying something way off base, try “I agree with you and have trouble with it too, but I think you’ll be relieved to hear that we don’t actually believe that.” Get her to start telling you what her beliefs are, and be interested. If possible, if you can get her telling you her value system, highlight your points of agreement until you gain her trust and feel confident enough to say, “that’s interesting; we look at it a different way.”

Anyway I have more to suggest, but I hope this gives you a starter. You might also consider checking out the book “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense” by Suzette Hadin Elgin, which unfortunately is out of print but your library or a used book store might have it. She does have some follow-up volumes, which I have not looked at. Also there are ways to confront her directly that I learned in an assertiveness class, but I’ll save that for a future post since this one is almost too long already.

Alan

P.S. It isn’t about “giving in” as I see it, as much as it is showing unconditional love. You love her and accept her even though she has this anger problem. When she sees how well you do it, she may learn it herself.
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It is possible to show charity & still have limits. There’s no reason to tolerate insults & bigotry, but having said that, we shouldn’t respond with anger or bad temper. From my own experience with such people, I’d say you have 2 options. First, as some others have suggested, avoid religion as a topic of discussion. I’ve been forced to resort to this with people I can’t avoid (relatives & “significat others” of friends). Second, avoid her. She doesn’t sound like someone who wants to be a true friend. You may feel for the pain she’s experienced in the past, but it’s not your duty to “fix” her. Also, just because she’s had some bad experiences in the past does NOT give her the right to hurt other people. A very dear friend of mine recently came to me with a very similar issue and I told him the same thing: you’re not a punching bag.

I suspect that there are a lot of people like her coming out of the woodwork because it is now officially fashionable to malign Catholics. It’s done openly & publicly, and is the ultimate hypocrisy in this age of so-called “political correctness’” (I hate that phrase!).
 
I know its not easy but its good for you to hold your ground. You do her no favors by excusing bad behavior. I guess the key is to forgive her and of course pray for her but do not tell her it is ok! That is the mistake that so many people make, letting people off the hook before they show any signs of contrition.
 
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martino:
I know its not easy but its good for you to hold your ground. You do her no favors by excusing bad behavior. I guess the key is to forgive her and of course pray for her but do not tell her it is ok! That is the mistake that so many people make, letting people off the hook before they show any signs of contrition.
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Martino:

I know and you are right … but I feel so bad … I am praying and will continue to pray! Thank you so much …

It is often very difficult to feel and know what is right! 👍
 
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MGEISING:
…especially since her husband is wonderful and is very faithful to the Catholic Faith.
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I bet this figures into the equation somehow.
 
mark a:
I bet this figures into the equation somehow.
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Hi MarkA:

Why do you say that? Jim, her husband, is awesome and is very very faithful to the Catholic Faith. I am not sure why you would think this.

This isn’t a critism, I am not sure why one would feel that way.

Her husband is wonderful, although she feels he has a wondering eye. When I tell her that she is crazy to think this … she comments, because He goes to church.

My husband, who is so incredibly awesome, but not Catholic, attends Mass with us every Sunday and Holy-Days … I just don’t understand? Can you clue me in??? I just find that frightening … :eek: :eek: :eek:

Thank you,

Mgeising
 
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MGEISING:
Hi MarkA:

Why do you say that? Jim, her husband, is awesome and is very very faithful to the Catholic Faith. I am not sure why you would think this.

This isn’t a critism, I am not sure why one would feel that way.

Her husband is wonderful, although she feels he has a wondering eye. When I tell her that she is crazy to think this … she comments, because He goes to church.

My husband, who is so incredibly awesome, but not Catholic, attends Mass with us every Sunday and Holy-Days … I just don’t understand? Can you clue me in??? I just find that frightening …

Thank you,

Mgeising
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Dear Mgeising,

Bingo! Above I was just speculating, but now you have given me enough evidence that I’d bet you a steak dinner there is a connection, as Mark guessed, between her husband’s faith and her behavior toward you. It sounds to me like you have nearly answered your own question.

She says she thinks he has a wandering eye because he goes to Church. Does she feel similarly insecure if he is in other places, such as at work, or at some public event? She knows he has feelings for the Church that she cannot understand or redirect toward herself. This obviously means that she is not everything to him, by her logic. If that is the case, then that’s all the evidence her insecure mind needs to imagine he is attracted to other women.

One possibility I can’t rule out, is that she is actually jealous of your respect for his religion. Again, she cannot participate emotionally in his love for the Church, but you can. Therefore, you have an emotional attachment to him that she doesn’t have; perhaps subconsciously she is concerned that he may even have feelings for you! If that is the case, then your sticking up for him against her suspicions could actually be aggravating the situation in her mind. This is all speculation, but it would be one explanation for what you’ve said so far.

In short, it sounds to me like your friend feels left out. The three of you go to Church and she doesn’t. No wonder she has negative feelings toward Church. Maybe you should offer to sponsor her in RCIA so that she may learn directly about the Church.

Also, does she have relatives or friends who chide her for having a Catholic husband? If so, could she be passing her frustration on to you?

Alan
 
She says she thinks he has a wandering eye because he goes to Church. Does she feel similarly insecure if he is in other places, such as at work, or at some public event?

She has actually left parties because he may have looked a way towards someone … but certainly not for the reason she thinks. He travels three days out of the week – (has a hotel room those three nights) … He actually lives in another state those three days.

One possibility I can’t rule out, is that she is actually jealous of your respect for his religion.

She is Catholic. That is the funny thing about it. Even told me my husband and I would make the best God Parents. So it is just so mind baffling why you would bring you kids up in a faith you are always making negative comments about … of course unless it is her husbands will and not hers. I don’t know though.

Also, does she have relatives or friends who chide her for having a Catholic husband?

**All of them are Catholic. The major thing that drew me overline in patients with her is that she was bashing the church on annulments and that it was the way for the church to get more rich. I guess her mother wants her sister to get an annulment. I took a personal offense to that because I have a sister who is going through that now … and while it isn’t a wonderful experience, it certainly not for the church to get rich. But if you truly want to be part of the sacraments – and get the graces obtained with them … it is a must …

Thanks so much for the thoughts. Very interesting assumptions! Have a blessed Day,

Moe**
 
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MGEISING:
She has actually left parties because he may have looked a way towards someone … but certainly not for the reason she thinks. He travels three days out of the week – (has a hotel room those three nights) … He actually lives in another state those three days.
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Ouch! That’s pretty hard to deal with.
**Thanks so much for the thoughts. Very interesting assumptions! Have a blessed Day,

Moe**
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Wow. Good luck with her. It sounds like there is quite a bit to her story that nobody knows.

Alan
 
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