My Best Friend Constantly Offends Me - Help

[MGEISING]

AlanFromWichita:

Ouch! That’s pretty hard to deal with.
Wow. Good luck with her. It sounds like there is quite a bit to her story that nobody knows.

Alan

Even Me. I have know her for about 3 years and it never ceases to amaze me what I find out.

I am always praying … I just pray, more than for our friendship, that she is happy one day. She is a very very unhappy person and it is sad.

She has everything going for her, a beautiful home, a great husband, friends, (she doesn’t have a good family relationship - but neither does her hubby).

So ---- we will just see what happens. I haven’t budged from my stand on my being offended … but I don’t want the devil to get the best of me either. But it is hard to just be me when I feel the way I feel.

I am a mess!

 

[Mijoy2]

MGEISING:

So ---- we will just see what happens. I haven’t budged from my stand on my being offended … but I don’t want the devil to get the best of me either. But it is hard to just be me when I feel the way I feel.

I am a mess!

Just curious MGEISING, do topics of a relgious nature materialize often in your friendship with her? Or for that matter with other friends?

I get the idea from reading these forums that religious matter is a normal state of social affairs for many of the people in these forums. In my little world it is virtually never mentioned. Heck, I do not even know, amongst my friends, whos believes in God and who does not. It simply never comes up. , let alone have it be a problem.

 

[MGEISING]

Mijoy2:

Just curious MGEISING, do topics of a relgious nature materialize often in your friendship with her? Or for that matter with other friends?

I get the idea from reading these forums that religious matter is a normal state of social affairs for many of the people in these forums. In my little world it is virtually never mentioned. Heck, I do not even know, amongst my friends, whos believes in God and who does not. It simply never comes up. , let alone have it be a problem.

Yes and No. We have Game Night with all our friends, and of course they are invited. Religion is almost never brought up because the group includes, catholics, baptists, mormons, nothing … etc.

Sometimes it just comes out of my friend … just because and we might not even be talking about religion per se.

 

[MGEISING]

Mijoy2:

Just curious MGEISING, do topics of a relgious nature materialize often in your friendship with her? Or for that matter with other friends?

I get the idea from reading these forums that religious matter is a normal state of social affairs for many of the people in these forums. In my little world it is virtually never mentioned. Heck, I do not even know, amongst my friends, whos believes in God and who does not. It simply never comes up. , let alone have it be a problem.

 

[Mijoy2]

MGEISING:

Sometimes it just comes out of my friend … just because and we might not even be talking about religion per se.

Hmmm, I am sure you have entertained the thought that maybe she is questioning her doubts about the faith and this is her way of exploring. Some people (myself included, I am working on it ) have a tendency to use sarcasm and playing the devils advocate as a way of asking questions and attempting to get answers.

 

[MGEISING]

Mijoy2:

Hmmm, I am sure you have entertained the thought that maybe she is questioning her doubts about the faith and this is her way of exploring. Some people (myself included, I am working on it ) have a tendency to use sarcasm and playing the devils advocate as a way of asking questions and attempting to get answers.

Hi:

But — if you were my best friend would you intentionally be sarcastic, knowing how serious a Catholic I am and that you are hurting my feelings. And then upon knowing you offended … not try to talk about it and say - gee … I was out of line.

I truly have to question a ‘friendship’ if (and this happened to us) takes place.

 

[Catholic4aReasn]

MGEISING:

she has stopped speaking with me because she feels she has opinions and she should have to worry about what to say.

I assume you mean that she feels that she SHOULDN’T have to worry about what to say. Our words must always be tempered with Christian love. It’s not OK to use honesty as an excuse to offend people. I like this passage from scripture:

James 3:7-8
For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by the human race. But no one can tame the tongue;

Ain’t that the truth!!

In Christ,
Nancy

 

[maggiec]

MGEISING:

I need help. My best friend often offends me by her negative Catholic remarks. I have been extremely patient with her, especially since her husband is wonderful and is very faithful to the Catholic Faith.

Recently we have had a fallen out - because of a comment made by her about Catholism. I got extremely angry - and mentioned to her that it is fine that we have opinions, but we must be charitable.

Well, no good has come of this … she has stopped speaking with me because she feels she has opinions and she should have to worry about what to say. My feeling is … yes, we have opinions, but we must execute them with a feeling of being charitable. I really love this friend … but I WILL NOT back down on how I feel that one should behave with friends.

Any advise. I haven’t heard from her in a week, but on the other hand … I don’t feel I shoudl gave in. I am praying , praying, praying …

Thanks

Pray that her mind will be opened, and in the meantime find a new friend.

 

[mark_a]

MGEISING:

**She is Catholic. That is the funny thing about it…**All of them are Catholic…

Boy did I mis-assume. I read your original post thinking she was not Catholic.

So now that I’ve stirred up the hornets nest, have a nice day.

Another thought is that she feels safe taking out her frustrations on you.

Strange how we torture the people we’re closest to.

 

[Rae]

It sounds as if she is the aggressor. You certainly did right by
stating that you’d rather not ‘discuss’ those topics, and that being charitable is necessary. She seems to have rejected your suggestion to avoid confrontation, so I say you that ‘if she’s mad at you’, oh well. Too bad. You have every right to your opinions as well, and indeed, even an obligation to defend Christ’s Church.
If she can’t avoid keeping her mouth shut on the subject, as a friend, then I say she may not be as good a friend as you think.

I’d pray for her, but I wouldn’t go apologizing. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was she that seems to harbor some resentment and hostility, which she is wrongly taking out on you.

I’d just let things go, and see if she contacts you. Make sure, when she does, that you lay down the ‘ground rules’. If she doesn’t agree, then drop her as your best friend.

Just MY opinion.

 

[MGEISING]

mark a:

Boy did I mis-assume. I read your original post thinking she was not Catholic.

So now that I’ve stirred up the hornets nest, have a nice day.

Another thought is that she feels safe taking out her frustrations on you.

Strange how we torture the people we’re closest to.

I know - by my description (true description) one would think she was anti-catholic.

Thanks!!!

 

[MGEISING]

Rae:

I’d just let things go, and see if she contacts you. Make sure, when she does, that you lay down the ‘ground rules’. If she doesn’t agree, then drop her as your best friend.

Just MY opinion.

And I sadly agree with your opinion. This is so hard, I have never in my life run into anything like this before I am our our Lord is trying to teach me a lesson. I am just not sure what it is

 

[ktm]

MGEISING:

And I sadly agree with your opinion. This is so hard, I have never in my life run into anything like this before I am our our Lord is trying to teach me a lesson. I am just not sure what it is

If she were really that good a friend, she would respect your faith and not bash it. Especially since she no doubt realizes your faith is so important to you.

 

[MGEISING]

ktm:

If she were really that good a friend, she would respect your faith and not bash it. Especially since she no doubt realizes your faith is so important to you.

I know and it is her faith too … it is a sad situation!

 

[Flounder]

Moe,

Wow, if you’re getting it like this from her, I shudder to think what her husband goes through…have you ever talked to him about it?
You know, I think she might be suspecting the Truth, knows inside she is missing something that “everyone” else has, and is violently fighting acknowledging it by lashing out at those (you) she feels are superior because they understand. She may be headed for a big internal showdown.

(How’s that for remote psychoanalysis?)

Remain friends? That’s up to you; you’re under no obligation to put yourself repeatedly through this … but you might watch for signs of a change.

 

[MGEISING]

Flounder:

Remain friends? That’s up to you; you’re under no obligation to put yourself repeatedly through this … but you might watch for signs of a change.

Hi Flounder:

You know - that is a good question. I have never discussed it with her husband - but my husband has asked her husband - about why she doesn’t go to church with him. He merely shrugs it off.

I feel like a failure in our faith … that I got so offended … when I should know that that is the way she is … but on the other hand, I don’t think I should have to put up with the “abuse” … seems dramatic, I know … but that is exactly how I take it. I am just so shocked and so sad that she has turned this whole thing around and made it my fault. I think that is where I feel I have failed … and now I don’t want her to throw more fuel on the fire because I can’t “turn the other cheek”.

Maybe I just need time. We truly love them, and it isn’t always horrible, just now every now and then.



… Mgeising

 

[dhgray]

asquared:

What would be your reaction if your friend constantly put down your husband, made fun of his job, accent, table manners, bald spot, ethnic background, his goofy laugh, his golf handicap, the way he disciplines your kids? Sounds like you need some new friends.

Tell us again why she is your “best friend”?

 

[MGEISING]

I know

 

[AlanFromWichita]

MGEISING:

I feel like a failure in our faith … that I got so offended … when I should know that that is the way she is … but on the other hand, I don’t think I should have to put up with the “abuse” … seems dramatic, I know … but that is exactly how I take it. I am just so shocked and so sad that she has turned this whole thing around and made it my fault. I think that is where I feel I have failed … and now I don’t want her to throw more fuel on the fire because I can’t “turn the other cheek”.

Dear MGEISING,

Gee, why didn’t I think of this before?

One of my favorite tactics in cartoons is when someone is about to crash down the front door, and the person inside opens the front and back doors and watches the person run right through (and sometimes off a cliff in the back yard).

Anyway, I say she can only break you down if you put up resistance to her. Let her anger pass right through you as if you weren’t there. Next time you see her, have a notebook handy. When the subject of Catholic bashing comes up, take notes on what she says. Make sure you understand exactly what her point is. Tell her that you believe in the Church but sometimes you don’t know all the answers because, frankly, you think her questions are good ones. It doesn’t matter if you really think they are. Tell her you need to know exactly what the problem is because you intend to ask other Catholic friends and experts to help you get her some real answers. Make sure she knows you will not reveal her identity.

This forces her to be specific about her complaints, and to categorize them as to whether she has a problem with Catholic beliefs, practices, attitudes, etc. You might even uncover old hurts that she has held for a long time. Remain absolutely neutral, emotionally, but totally interested. Your only job is not to answer, or even respond, to her questions, but to capture them accurately. When you have written one down, read it back to her and ask her if you have it right. Then come post them on the board and we can all help you get answers for her. Who knows? She may actually provide some fascinating discussion topics for us!

If she refuses to let you take notes, stay concerned and absolutely do not harbor any anger. Remember it isn’t YOUR problem, it’s HERS. Tell her that anytime she has problems or questions about Catholicism or Catholics (either in general or specific ones) you will try your best to get answers to her questions.

Alan

 

[MGEISING]

Thanks Alan! Sure do appreciate it!