My best friend has become a white supremist

[Ana]

If one does not respect the human race in that we are all equal, does it matter that he is going to respect you and your belief? …I find it quite contradicting.

ha ha … That’s true.

 

[Ana]

We’re ALL children of God. Filipina, English, Italian, Colombian, Chinese, Nigerian, Kenyan, it doesn’t matter. No one is better than another for any reason. God made us all and in His eyes, we’re all equal, equally UNWORTHY!

I loved this.

 

[Ana]

I would pray for her.

I am curious. I have come across many people who are prejudiced and I try to avoid them. Sooner or later, most prejudiced people voice their views. Is her change coming out of the blue or has she always had a problem with racism? Is she dating someone new? Sometimes people change radically if they are involved with a new person.

Living in a predominantly white, rural community … it really just didn’t come up. When her husband cheated on her the first time, she would angrily berate the other woman, who had previously dated a man of color, calling her a " you know what lover," and at least I had never dated a “you know what.” It did make me cringe, but I didn’t feel while she was so crushed, it was a good time to admonish her. Also I wasn’t sure if she really felt that way, and gave her the benefit of the doubt. I chose to believe that she was only saying that because she was so distraught. You know, sometimes people say things they don’t mean when they are upset.

I was wrong.

 

[Ana]

Hi Ana. I have never known of a white supremist group (skinhead, klan, neo-nazi) that was NOT hatefully anti-Catholic. If she really believes that you can agreee to disagree, ask her for some literature about what she believes in, and then ask yourself if you have the strength to be thought of in the same breath as that person.

If she really believes that you can agree to disagree, ask her what happens if you fall in love with some who is black or hispanic or asian.

I apologize if this comes off as harsh but these morons just get to me. I am ashamed to share the same skin color as them.

I looked around on some white pride websites. I wanted to understand what she believed.

I am not so worried whether she can agree to disagree, as much as me believing we can agree to disagree.

 

[Ana]

Good grief…I just read your profile which lists you as a 35 y.o. mother of three. At your age do you really have to ask anyone’s opinion to figure this out? What stuns me more is the claim that this is coming as a surprise to you. I’m hard pressed to imagine that over 18 years you haven’t observed, heard, witnessed intolerant/racist comments, opinions, beliefs coming from this “best friend.” If you’ve known it all along, tolerated it, accepted it, agreed with it…shame on you. If she’s really managed to hide her true colors and has now decided to show them, shame one her. I would have no problem being just as blunt in my disapproval or in telling her there was not room in my life for someone with her views nor would I risk her influencing my kids with her ignorance.

I’m sorry, I have four children. I forgot to update my profile.

 

[Ana]

Good grief…I just read your profile which lists you as a 35 y.o. mother of three. At your age do you really have to ask anyone’s opinion to figure this out? What stuns me more is the claim that this is coming as a surprise to you. I’m hard pressed to imagine that over 18 years you haven’t observed, heard, witnessed intolerant/racist comments, opinions, beliefs coming from this “best friend.” If you’ve known it all along, tolerated it, accepted it, agreed with it…shame on you. If she’s really managed to hide her true colors and has now decided to show them, shame one her. I would have no problem being just as blunt in my disapproval or in telling her there was not room in my life for someone with her views nor would I risk her influencing my kids with her ignorance.

Scripture tells is it is wise to seek counsel before making serious decisions. I like to hear other Catholic’s perspectives, and have found the people here at Catholic Answers (you included) to be pretty darn smart.:tiphat:

 

[Ana]

As bad as having sex/cohabiting (in the context of a sexual relationship) outside of marriage is, at least people, misguided though they may be, believe they’re doing it out of love. White supremacy is outright HATE! That’s why it’s not socially acceptable!

White supremacy is the ideology that kept segregation and slavery for so long in this country, that got immigrants treated like dirt, that caused the Holocaust, that keeps abortion going (Margaret Sanger was a white supremacist), and that perpetuates terrible stereotypes about others.

Do you want your kids influenced by this ideology in anyway? Can you reconcile this with your faith? Your whole life?

This is how I feel …

 

[Ana]

However, if her friend is not a part of a dangerous organization, I do not see why they can’t remain friends, just as it isn’t wrong to remain friends with someone who actively supports abortion, or someone whose lifestyle and ideology are very much in opposition to the Church.

I’m not arguing that white supremecy, or any ethno-centric world view that goes so far as to reduce/negate the personhood of another ethnicity, is anything but horrible. It is decidedly not Christian, but it is no reason to shut out a friend of 18 years who must still have some redeaming qualities.

You don’t need to reconcile your friends ideology with your faith or your life, but you do need to reconcile your treatment of that friend with what you honestly believe God would like it to be. Which may mean ending the friendship, but it doesn’t have to mean that. Either way it does mean praying for and loving this woman, who is obviously going through some difficult issues.

… on the other hand I feel this way too.

This post and the one above, is the source of the conflict within me. I feel BOTH ways.

 

[Ana]

Ana, if I remember correctly, you are a Latina, aren’t you? Has your friend shared her views with you on this? It seems strange to me to think that she would have been friends with you for all of these years if race was a big issue to you.

It sounds like she may have suddenly changed. I used to live not too far from you, in Frederick (aka “Fredneck” county). Yes, there were some racist/white supremacist elements there, but people with those views typically grew up with them. I think I would be concerned that if your friend is suddenly changing in such a fundamental way that she has fallen in with some sort of a cult-like group that is in the process of brain washing her. If she is still talking to you, great, try to be the voice of reason for her. Try to remind her who she really is. However, if she stays involved with them, chances are whether or not to be friends won’t be your decision to make because these groups will systematically isolate people from their family and friends so they lose that outside support and perspective.

I don’t know what else to suggest, but I do know from reading your posts over the years that you are a strong and smart woman. Trust yourself on this.

You have a good memory! Yes, I am Latina … well mixed. Mi madre es de Puerto Rico, and my father is of European descent. She refuses to be racist towards me or mine, or to classify me with them. I tell her she’s doing me a favor, I don’t want, she tells me I don’t understand. It’s the mexicans and the “you know whats” but the fact of the matter is, it could be any race. I tell her that racism is wrong and she responds that shes not racist, just proud of being white. Which for me would be fine if it were true, but her pride comes along with a need to speak ill of other races.

She is a MASTER communication blocker when she doesn’t want to face an issue. I really don’t think I can change her mind. I will pray for her regardless, I am struggling with whether we should remain friends or not.

Even though we have talked again, I have avoided an in person visit with her.I Since our last blow up, I don’t think she will say those horrible things again, but it doesn’t matter. I know they are in her heart.

Thank you for your words of encouragement, and you were spot on about Fredneck and the Carroll County culture.

 

[Ana]

I just want to say, that seeing her only as a white pride person, woulod be unfair to her. There is (was) a lot more to her before she became hate filled. She has been so hurt, and betrayed, I think this is her way to feel “okay inside.” It’s really sad. She has been such a wonderful friend. We call each other sissy, and have experienced an incredible amount of what life has to offer together. From the extreme highs, to the extreme lows and everything in between. We have ALWAYS been there for eachother and looked out for eachother. I am soooooooo sooooooo soooooooo sad that this has happened. It will be as if I have lost my long life best friend. Oh yeah, I am.

Her husband called about a week ago, to try and explain to me how their beliefs are not racist. We were going back and forth a little and at one point, he started to rant about mixed marriages and how the babies of mixed marriages make him sick and make him want to vomit. When he said that it made me want to vomit.

Nevermind that I am biracial, but I have a biracial baby coming to me soon. No, not mine. But a very close cousin of mine. She has had a hard time of it and has been disowned by her father. She was considering an abortion, but by the grace of God has decided to keep her baby. I have tried to be as supportive of her as I can, and have prayed extensively for her and her baby. Because of this I have an especial bond with the baby already.
When her hubby said that “about mixed babies making him want to vomit” I wanted to jump through the phone and strangle him!!

 

[dulcissima]

More that she has embraced the ideology and lives out the principles of what she and her husband refer to as " …not racism, but White Pride," on a daily basis.

That sounds an awful lot like brainwashing doesn’t it? I mean they have to go through that effort every day probably because deep down they don’t really believe it…and even more scary for them is the reality of what they really do believe about themselves. Usually the people who are the most hurtful are the ones that have been hurt the most. Still, it doesn’t give them license to act the way that they do. The advice I usually give my 16 year old daughter when she has friends who start heading down the wrong path is to put some distance between herself and them, but still give them the chance to come back. Sometimes they actually do. Especially when they know that they are cared about for who they really are, not who they pretend to be.

 

[Ana]

That sounds an awful lot like brainwashing doesn’t it? I mean they have to go through that effort every day probably because deep down they don’t really believe it…and even more scary for them is the reality of what they really do believe about themselves. Usually the people who are the most hurtful are the ones that have been hurt the most. Still, it doesn’t give them license to act the way that they do. The advice I usually give my 16 year old daughter when she has friends who start heading down the wrong path is to put some distance between herself and them, but still give them the chance to come back. Sometimes they actually do. Especially when they know that they are cared about for who they really are, not who they pretend to be.

It sounds like it makes no sense. But like any lie, it is full of contradictions and crazymaking. I think that she has felt like poop about herself for so long, that she just jumped at the chance to feel good about something about herself. These people are crafty. They present these ideals as something good, noble and patriotic. They encourage humanitarian efforts (to their own race only) and having a lot of children to contribute to the buliding up of the race. They promote strong families, and marriages. To her these are all good things.

I have been keeping my distance from her. I just really have no desire to see her while I am so conflicted, and that is something very different and makes me sad.

 

[LSK]

Ana, I understand how you feel. I think, when we are actually faced with evil, it is never packaged the way we think it will be - instead of some huge, ugly person we can instantly dislike it pops up in the form of an old friend…who has had a hard life and is hurting and trying to find some weird way to get along in a world she feels has betrayed her. What a dilemna.

I have had to say, to family members and friends I love, that they are not allowed to speak of certain things in my presence. If they do not want to respect that and chose to no longer be in my presence, I understand and I always keep them in my daily rosary. But just as I will not allow my homosexual cousin to speak disparingly about Catholic teachings I will not allow anyone else to use racist language or otherwise offensive speech around me either. I tell them I do not intend to ‘agree to disagree’ about anything. I tell them that I believe they are wrong and their beliefs are evil, but I love them and pray for them every day and gee, what do they think the Niners chances are this year in the draft?

Here is what has happened in my life: When my cousin was told, by me, that his rantings about the Catholic Church revealed a bigotry and hatred that I would not tolerate and so, if he wanted to be in my presence he needed to zip his lip…that he was not the only person in the world entitled to ‘tolerance’, he chose to no longer associate with me. As a result he is considered the family nut job now, and others in the family have found the courage to tell him that if he wants HIS stuff tolerated then he better be ready to tolerate THEIR stuff too…and he is completely baffled. The old ‘if you disagree with me you are a bigot but if I disagree with you I am some sort of freedom fighter’ routine is not working…as a result, he is relearning good manners. He does not want to be around me, however, because I was the first one to stand up to his baloney.

I have lost friends who cannot stand the fact that I am not pro-death. I have, however, gained more friends to replace them. It hurt, but it was necessary.

I guess what I am saying is, you do not have to argue with this woman - but you can challenge HER to behave better in YOUR presence. And I will keep her in my prayers tonight…she sounds like she is in a lot of pain.

 

[deb1]

I know I haven’t lived in WA long, but I didn’t realize Iowa was just across the border…

Whoops! I meant Idaho. I lived in Iowa also at one point in my life, so hence the mistake. One of the aspects of being a military wife is that you live everywhere and sometimes those states blur together.

 

[deb1]

White pride doesn’t even make sense. White people come from many varied cultures and speak many languages. It makes sense to have pride in your Irish past or your Dutch heritage. It doesn’t make sense to have pride in just being white, the cultures are just too varied among the separate European countries.

.

 

[Ana]

Ana, I understand how you feel. I think, when we are actually faced with evil, it is never packaged the way we think it will be - instead of some huge, ugly person we can instantly dislike it pops up in the form of an old friend…who has had a hard life and is hurting and trying to find some weird way to get along in a world she feels has betrayed her. What a dilemna.

Yes, this is it exactly. I think that is why it snuck up on me.

I have had to say, to family members and friends I love, that they are not allowed to speak of certain things in my presence. If they do not want to respect that and chose to no longer be in my presence, I understand and I always keep them in my daily rosary. But just as I will not allow my homosexual cousin to speak disparingly about Catholic teachings I will not allow anyone else to use racist language or otherwise offensive speech around me either. I tell them I do not intend to ‘agree to disagree’ about anything. I tell them that I believe they are wrong and their beliefs are evil, but I love them and pray for them every day and gee, what do they think the Niners chances are this year in the draft?

I guess what I am saying is, you do not have to argue with this woman - but you can challenge HER to behave better in YOUR presence. And I will keep her in my prayers tonight…she sounds like she is in a lot of pain.

I don’t have to challenge her. She is more than happy to never bring it up again. It’s me that is having trouble letting it go, now that I know. I have mentioned in a previous post that I am biracial. Though I, being lighter skinned, have not encountered as much racism as my darker skinned berothers and sisters, I have witnessed much pain and heartache in people I love due to the hatred of racism. I am having a lot of trouble letting this go.

 

[SeekerJen]

Her husband called about a week ago, to try and explain to me how their beliefs are not racist. We were going back and forth a little and at one point, he started to rant about mixed marriages and how the babies of mixed marriages make him sick and make him want to vomit. When he said that it made me want to vomit.

Nevermind that I am biracial, but I have a biracial baby coming to me soon. No, not mine. But a very close cousin of mine. She has had a hard time of it and has been disowned by her father. She was considering an abortion, but by the grace of God has decided to keep her baby. I have tried to be as supportive of her as I can, and have prayed extensively for her and her baby. Because of this I have an especial bond with the baby already.
When her hubby said that “about mixed babies making him want to vomit” I wanted to jump through the phone and strangle him!!

Keep this man far, far away from your family. If he’s willing to say this directly to you, knowing your ethnic background and knowing that this baby is coming to you, then he won’t hesitate to say it in front of your kids. He is poison. By all means pray for him, but don’t subject your kids to that.

If you can stay friends with this woman, you’re a stronger person than I am. I’m biracial and I don’t think I could stomach it, even if the person gave me a “pass” for not being like “them”.

 

[DJgang]

Life’s too short to have friends like this.

Plus, sounds like to me, her husband is really the brain behind this whole idea of white supremist…I could make much more assumptions, but I won’t.

All in all this type of people hate Catholics and hate anyone other than those who look like them. They are insecure with themselves.

I would keep my family away from her and her husband.

 

[Ana]

Keep this man far, far away from your family. If he’s willing to say this directly to you, knowing your ethnic background and knowing that this baby is coming to you, then he won’t hesitate to say it in front of your kids. He is poison. By all means pray for him, but don’t subject your kids to that.

 

[Ana]

Life’s too short to have friends like this.

Plus, sounds like to me, her husband is really the brain behind this whole idea of white supremist…I could make much more assumptions, but I won’t.

All in all this type of people hate Catholics and hate anyone other than those who look like them. They are insecure with themselves.

I would keep my family away from her and her husband.

I do believe her husband has ALOT of influence in this. She and I typically hang out during the day when the kids are in school, thankfully.