My big mouth has caused a big problem

[Tweety]

I think I need to mortify my tongue! I will steal that!

Oh Leonie, you made me laugh! Sorry no pun intended. I also have a problem with speaking before thinking…

I have a t-shirt that says “Oh Lord help me to keep my big mouth shut until i know what i am talking about.”

I have had the same problem, let it go… Maybe you will find that you may outgrow this friendship in the future and it will be a weight off your shoulders. I had to dissolve a long friendship as my friends children were rough with our son’s toys, had no manners and would swear and scream and were just plain little terrors! She became manipulative and started blaming me for giving her moral support when she divorced her husband (mind you she had a new man living with her and the children ) and brought her ex husband and children to our house the day after the divorce as she wanted to go back to him and then 2 days later was back in love with the new one and blah blah blah. Then she had the hide to say to me “You encouraged me to go back to Scott” All i did was give my friend support in ANY decision that she chose. So you see after all these years (and i am Godmother to her daughter) i had to let go. I was her mother, friend, sister, defender etc… I could not sleep at night thinking of her and her problems. She would blame her husband for letting the children watch The Sopranos yet she never stopped it! Aaaaagh!

Not all friendships last forever unfortunately. It took me a long time to distinguish between ‘judgement and discernment’ but i have it now!

 

[leonie]

I have to say that this is the first problem we’ve ever had in our friendship. She really is a better person than I.

But, I do think that this episode is really out of character for her.

I feel so betrayed.

 

[Tweety]

I have to say that this is the first problem we’ve ever had in our friendship. She really is a better person than I.

But, I do think that this episode is really out of character for her.

I feel so betrayed.

Dear heart,

Why is she a better person than you? Don’t put yourself down like that The hairy legged brigade are moving in on you!

I also feel betrayed by one of my best friends of over 10 years. She was bridesmaid not maid of honour and that hurt her. She attacked me at my wedding as she sat at the end of the bridal table and also when i took my engagement ring off, i gave it to my bestest friend of over 20 years who was maid of honour and that upset the bridesmaid! I have not spoken to her for 5 years. I sent her a Christmas card 4 years ago saying let’s forgive and forget without wanting the friendship back and she rang and we had an awful argument as she was hurt but didn’t care that i cried the whole night in our motel room without even wanting to be intimate with my new husband!!. She was on something my wedding night, so i can forgive, but i would like her to say sorry as well. She bitched about me and how i was stressed out the week before the wedding ( I saw my uncle who had molested me when i was in a milk bar with my flowergirl and i saw the way he looked at her and i lost it! it stayed with me for weeks…) I believe in forgiveness but i also think that people have to own up when they hurt someone, as then it can be a full forgiveness and things won’t come back later on to haunt them… Either way i pray for her and her children and i will always love her. I miss her immensely, but to be totally honest, she was not really good for me or my family. The second friend i have had like that and the worst part is that i am Godmother to children of both of them. But my family is better off this way, i know that. I ask God to bless them all.

I hope that you can rekindle your friendship since you are obviously missing her terribly. I miss my friend too as she was more of a big sister to me but my circumstances are different. We think differently on alot of things. I cry for her alot of the time, but i know that she will cause problems in my marriage as she did before we were married - though not intentionally - she can’t help it! so it is best this way.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

Personally, I refuse to engage in this type of melodrama with any friends of mine. I have no advise. I would not want to be friends with this woman.

If her kid is 17, why is she getting involved? Unless we’re talking sex, drugs or serious moral issues, let the 17 yr old deal w/ these teen disputes.

If you must meet, listen alot and talk little. Seriously, let her talk her heart out, smile and be pleasant. (and get it over with as quickly as possible) --KCT

I agree with the above comments and will add that “talk about” includes the written word in its many forms.

The more I think about it, the more I think she does need to talk. I do think I’m going to get a reprimand. That will be good for my humility.

**hmmm, Who is she to “reprimand” you? A boss, mom, priest, spouse? No? Didn’t think so. You are not a lesser person than her because you mentioned there might be an issue with her son’s driving to her. If I had been her, I would have just said I checked into it and the boy’s driving isn’t a worry to me and moved on. **

Okay, now it’s worse. My friend emailed me back that she is upset that years ago she thought I was too hard on her son. Of course, she never said anything to me at the time.

And, she said that I was making accusations out of my prejudice against her son.

She recounted an incident that happened years ago

She said that these were frequent incidences that I blamed her kid for my kid’s misbehavior.

Your friend needs to grow up. And I have to say, it sounds a heck of a lot more like she is prejudiced against your son, not the other way around. If she had a problem "for years’, then that’s her fault for not correcting it way before now, not your fault for not being psychic.

I have to say that this is the first problem we’ve ever had in our friendship. She really is a better person than I.
No, she isn’t. Good people don’t harbor a grudge like that and then blow up in your face like a paper bag in flames on the door step.

---

I feel so betrayed.
**I think you’ve either missed some cues to her lack of genuine friendship or she is having other issues that have led her to a meltdown and you are getting the fall-out as friends sometimes do. Either way, I find it difficult to find you at fault here. Maybe it would be best to just stop calling/emailing for a time until things cool off and then only stick to topics other than the kids. **

 

[vluvski]

You know what? The only thing you did “wrong” was the timing. It is completely appropriate to bring up these concerns to other parents, which I think is what Island Oak was getting at.

This lady sounds like she is having a serious episode of immaturity. My guess is that she feels insecure about her son’s behavior or reputation, and views you as a threat to what little security she imagines. It also sounds very much like a relationship between my friend and her (ex-)friend. There was some sort of blow-up. My friend apologized, thought she has smoothed things over, and then the ex-friend wrote back an erring of grievances, basically, and they’ve never been friendly since. I hope your friend, for her sake, has the brains, heart, and maturity to just let it go.

 

[carol_marie]

If she is a good friend & you like her alot - I say suck it up, tell her you are so sorry if you’ve ever caused her son pain by blaming him for things that weren’t his fault. Tell her that you think her son has grown up to be a fine young man & she is a good mother for sticking up for him.

That should make her happy & help her to get over it. It does sound like she’s a little touched in the head but we all have our quirks & if she’s been a good friend … well, they are hard to come by so I’d really go out of my way to make peace.

Realistically, there is your version of events - her version of events - and somewhere in between in the truth. You said you’ve never fought before so it’s not like you are always the one who has to say you are sorry - this time do it because she was obviously very hurt. Be the peacemaker. :angel1:

But… IF she is the sort of friend you don’t really like - have never really liked and you’re only still friends because you’ve known each other a long time… well then that’s different… I’d tell her to blow it out her ear & I’d move on.

 

[leonie]

If she is a good friend & you like her alot - I say suck it up, tell her you are so sorry if you’ve ever caused her son pain by blaming him for things that weren’t his fault. Tell her that you think her son has grown up to be a fine young man & she is a good mother for sticking up for him.

This is almost exactly what I did.

That should make her happy & help her to get over it. It does sound like she’s a little touched in the head but we all have our quirks & if she’s been a good friend … well, they are hard to come by so I’d really go out of my way to make peace.

She does seem a little relieved now. I guess she was stuck on this. She definitely has some quirks regarding her son. I just had no idea that all this was going on in her head. Seriously, it’s been about three years since we’ve had any problems with our boys. And, before that, I don’t think it happened that often.

Realistically, there is your version of events - her version of events - and somewhere in between in the truth. You said you’ve never fought before so it’s not like you are always the one who has to say you are sorry - this time do it because she was obviously very hurt. Be the peacemaker. :angel1:

Well, I’m pretty sure that my take is accurate. My friend is very sensitive about her son. When all this stuff happened between my kid and hers (and I apparently was too hard on her kid), she was really struggling with him. And, in fact the summer before we met she had had a collapse of her thyroid gland and almost died. For about two or three years afterward, she struggled with extreme anxiety and depression–linked to post traumatic stress syndrome and to acheiving a balance with her thyroid medication. I’m think her perceptions formed during this time might have been somewhat colored by her anxiety. Her kid is turning out great, but he was not an easy kid from age 9-13 or 14, and I think she is very sensitive about him.

I also think her anxiety prevented her from talking to me then, but it still hurts.

But… IF she is the sort of friend you don’t really like - have never really liked and you’re only still friends because you’ve known each other a long time… well then that’s different… I’d tell her to blow it out her ear & I’d move on.

I’ve love her dearly, but now I feel like I don’t even know her. I think we will be cordial friends, but not confidants again. I’m very sad about the whole thing, but I’m angry, too. It’s hard to be accused of bad motives when I sincerely didn’t intend any.

 

[leonie]

You know what? The only thing you did “wrong” was the timing. It is completely appropriate to bring up these concerns to other parents, which I think is what Island Oak was getting at.

This lady sounds like she is having a serious episode of immaturity. My guess is that she feels insecure about her son’s behavior or reputation, and views you as a threat to what little security she imagines.

you are very perceptive

 

[leonie]

Thanks to everyone who helped me get through this silliness today. I really let it distract me from being a good mother. I hardly thought of my Lord today except to say, “Give me wisdom. Give me a forgiving heart. Give me humility.”

I appreciate all who encouraged me and helped me not to doubt myself.

Some days just rock your world.