My bio dad is a monster!

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yessisan

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I apologize for the long post, but I needed to get this out of my chest.

Part I.

I’ve posted before that my biological dad had committed bigamy. He married another woman thru the CC and by a JP and he was already married to my mom (by the CC and by a JP).

My mom suffered a lot trying to get her 3 kids to have a home, food, clothing, etc. He never helped w/money or anything else. He abandoned a 27 yr old wife, an 8 yr old, a 4 yr old & a 1.5 yr old. Well, he really didn’t abandon, my mom left him when she found out he married that woman. My mom found pictures of his Church wedding in the family car, & my mom casually showed up at their honeymoon suite. He told my mom he loved them both & didn’t want to divorce either, so my mom left him & took us 3 along.

So, I knew all this, I knew my mom never had $$ to feed us while we lived w/him, he gave her $100 pesos every month & if she ran out of money, tough luck. Our neighbors basically fed us & paid our doctor’s bills. Some doctors wouldn’t even charge us because some knew about my dad’s adventures & felt bad for my mom.

Throughout her marriage w/him, she weighed about 110 lbs or less. She was a walking stick. She never had new shoes, new undergarments, she didn’t even have shampoo for her showers. Of course I was too little to remember any of this (I was the 4 yr old) but now that I know many, but not all, of the things he put her thru, I cannot bring myself to forgive him.

I fainted once when I was 8 mos old. My dad wasn’t there because he was in one of his “business” trips. My mom asked our neighbor to take us to the ER. When the doctors looked at me & made many tests, they found out I had a heart murmur. My mom didn’t have $$ to pay for this emergency, so my pediatrician took care of it.

My brother at about 6 mos old was very dehydrated to the point he had to be in the hospital several nights, & of course, daddy was at another “business” trip & my mom didn’t have $$ for the hospital bill, so guess who paid it? Our pediatrician.

Oh, my mom wasn’t allowed to drive, so she had no car. She wasn’t allowed to work, she wasn’t allowed to go to school, she wasn’t allowed to visit her parents… He abused her emotionally, he never hit her, but the damage she did to her was immense.

Well, aside from all this… we were at my grandpa’s yesterday, my mom wanted to go cook something for him since my grandma went to Mexico to visit her mom, so DH, my dad (my step dad), uncle & I went over to eat there. My aunt got there & she was talking about her miscarriages. & I dared to ask my mom about one I knew she had. She was 24 yrs old & 4.5 mos pregnant w/fraternal twins. She said she felt she was miscarrying so she rushed to the bathroom & both babies literally fell out.

Well, this time my dad was there so he took her to the hospital. There they cleaned her up & sent her home. 3 days later, she said she had a really high fever, she was in tremendous pain, she couldn’t walk, she was delirious, & asked my dad to take her to her scheduled pre-natal visit w/her ob-gyn, she hadn’t told him she miscarried 3 days before. My dad told her she was over reacting & she only was acting this way because my grandparents had gone to see her. She started crying & begged, got on her knees & begged him to take her to the appointment. All he had to say was that the time for the appt had already passed & they wouldn’t see her. Crying she replied that they would, that they really would, & kept on begging. I don’t know where my grandparents were at that moment, but my dad was the only one who could take her. So, somehow he agreed to take her.

Once they got to the dr’s office, my mom went up to the lady at the front desk & asked if they could still see her. My mom said her face was white, & she was sweating like crazy. The lady asked her what happened to her, & immediately got her dr for her. When the dr came out my bio dad explained to him she was acting like a little baby because her parents were there, that she only wanted attention & he apologized for having taken her. The doctor already knew my dad was cheating & how he would treat my mom, so he didn’t say anything & took my mom into his office. He laid her down & asked what was wrong, she told him about the miscarriage & he thought maybe the procedure at the hospital was done wrong. He asked why she hadn’t just gone to him but said my dad didn’t want to take her there because the hospital was closer. He began examining her & barely touched her abdomen when my mom screamed of pain. That was all the dr needed to know something went wrong at the hospital.
 
Part II.

He went out to explain to my dad that they needed to rush her to the ER, but before he even said anything my dad said “See? I told you she’s overreacting? She only wants her parents’ attention”. Then the dr explained to him the situation & my dad was left with his mouth wide open. After surgery, the doctor showed my mom the drs at the hospital had left part of the placenta inside her & it was as big as a gerber jar.

Then my mom went on to telling me how the hospital treated her. She said when they got to the ER, because she was bleeding so much from the miscarriage, they asked her to walk so & so distance to the showers & told her to take a cold shower & to get cleaned up. She said she could barely walk, she was bleeding a lot & had no energy. She said everything was blurry & was about to pass out when a pregnant woman came to ask if she was ok & my mom as pale as could be, said she felt really bad. The woman yelled for a nurse to come help, they took my mom’s blood pressure & she said it was at 60 over whatever, so low she was to pass out. Then they grabbed her & rushed her to a room & took her bp again & said it dropped to 10 over whatever. She had lost tons of blood & the next day she overheard the darn doctor say, “oh, yeah, that’s the one we almost lost last night” thinking my mom couldn’t hear them.

So, after hearing this story, I can only see this man as a monster. He has no feelings. How dare he treat a person this way? How can he treat his kids this way? I had forgiven him for having chosen the other woman & her child over us, but this? How can one forgive such atrocities? This is only one of many things he did to my poor mom. No wonder she was diagnosed with severe PTSD a few yrs ago.

Now she’s married & has put herself thru grad school & put us thru college too. She raised 3 kids for 14 yrs on her own, & now has wonderful man as her DH, even though she hasn’t annulled her marriage to that monster. I can’t wait for her to do this, my dad (step dad) deserves to be married to my mom in the CC, & my mom deserves to have this REAL man as her husband in the eyes of the CC.

My mom is my hero, she’s a super woman. I love her so much. I thank God He gave her the strength to pull thru & that she’s where she’s at now.

Well, after this long story, my question is, how can I bring myself to forgiving this horrible man? The only thing he did for us was give his seed for us to be born. Nothing else. He only has caused pain & suffering to us. May God forgive him but at this moment, I am more than angry at him. How dare he treat my mom that way? My mom was such a good Catholic girl, such a pretty girl, so humble, so loving… yet he treated her this way.
 
I really can’t imagine how hard it would be to forgive in your situation.
There’s a book called “My Jewels Are Broken Glass” by Ella Heady (it’s on Amazon.com) that tells her story of how she came to forgive her abusive father.
 
The only advice I can give you is to make sure you understand thoroughly what exactly forgiveness means. My understanding of the definition is that you relinquish your wish for revenge, or wishing the other person ill, or holding a grudge against them. It does not mean that you have to ignore the fact that he did all these terrible things to your mother and yourself. It just means you let go of the hurt and anger harbored in your heart. Release it and yourself to God. Trust that He will judge this man rightly, with His infinite understanding, and punish him as He sees fit. Pray that this man receives God’s mercy, because I don’t want to imagine what punishment awaits a man who has so thoroughly smashed and broken his sacred wedding vows like your biological father has done.
 
My prayers are with you!!! :gopray: My father has treated my mom poorly at times, but nothing to that extent, and there are times that I am sooooo angry with my dad that I can’t even imagine what you are going through!!! To be honest, I have no advice to help you forgive b/c I can’t forgive my father for several things he’s done to my mom…just pray on it…that’s all I can offer…😦
 
Forgiveness is not something that we do on our own, but we do it with God’s help. I’ve been there before. I still struggle 8 years later with forgiveness of a person in my life who hurt me very, very deeply. I made a conscious decision years ago to forgive and I ask God all the time to give me the grace to forgive.

The scars and the hurt are still there. Especially when I see this certain person several times a year, it really digs up a lot of bad feelings.

But I made a conscious decision not to hate this person or harbor anger. And the forgiveness is an ongoing thing. I doubt I will ever have a relationship with this person, nor will I ever want to be in the same room with her. But instead of sitting around hating her or wishing revenge on her, or even wishing bad things to happen to her, I pray for her conversion and pray for God to have mercy on her for the things that she has done to the people in her life.
 
I had forgiven him for not being in my life and for having committed bigamy, but what I described above is just something I cannot bring myself to forgive, especially since I just found out 2 days ago.

I tried having a “relationship” with him after I began to forgive him, but he never really wanted it. All he wants is to forget he did us wrong and pretend nothing ever happened. He tried acting all daddy like when my brother joined the Navy and was all angry at us for not telling him. It’s not his business. He hasn’t been in our lives for over 15 yrs, so why would he be upset?

I don’t know, just knowing he can treat a person the way he treated my mom makes me not even think of him as a human being. My mother is one of the sweetest, kindest people you will ever meet, and I’m not saying this because she’s my mom, I’m saying it because it’s true. How could someone have the heart to do something like that? How can you do it to your wife? To the mother of your children?
 
yessisan said:
I had forgiven him for not being in my life and for having committed bigamy, but what I described above is just something I cannot bring myself to forgive, especially since I just found out 2 days ago.

I tried having a “relationship” with him after I began to forgive him, but he never really wanted it. All he wants is to forget he did us wrong and pretend nothing ever happened. He tried acting all daddy like when my brother joined the Navy and was all angry at us for not telling him. It’s not his business. He hasn’t been in our lives for over 15 yrs, so why would he be upset?

I don’t know, just knowing he can treat a person the way he treated my mom makes me not even think of him as a human being. My mother is one of the sweetest, kindest people you will ever meet, and I’m not saying this because she’s my mom, I’m saying it because it’s true. How could someone have the heart to do something like that? How can you do it to your wife? To the mother of your children?
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Forgiving doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with him. It may actually be better for you spiritually if you stay away from him while you deal with this. Get some spiritual counseling with a good priest or Catholic counselor and take some time. Forgiveness TAKES TIME. It does not always happen overnight and sometimes it just takes us awhile to figure out HOW to forgive.

Don’t burden yourself right now by thinking “I don’t know if I can forgive this”. But put your energies towards praying and asking God to teach you to forgive…and at the same time praying for your Dad’s conversion and mercy on his soul. If you let go of the steering wheel a bit, God will show you the road to healing and forgiveness.
 
I’m so sorry that you have such a difficult situation especially since it is the person who should have taken care of you and
loved you. I had a situation once with an individual and I felt
very unforgiving toward that person. I was doing a lot of praying
and reading spiritual and relationship healing books at the time.
One book (don’t remember the name) pointed out that holding
on to the feelings of unforgiveness (anger, revenge, etc) do more
harm and distruction to the person with those feelings than to the
person who is unforgiven. It doesn’t mean that you have to feel
loving and generous toward that person, but everytime you feel
the anger,etc, say a prayer," Lord forgive that person because
I’m having a hard time right now with not wanting to forgive him.
I love you Lord and I know you love me, let that unconditional
love wash over me now and help me."
I found that after a while I no longer had the anger, hurt or
revenge and when I saw the person (there was no way that I
could avoid seeing the person) I was in “neutral” (no hate,
sadness and no great joy either) Just realized that the person
no longer controlled my feelings!
 
I agree with the previous poster. Try to pray for your dad. Even if you don’t mean it, pray for him. Ask for the Lord to forgive him for his sins and help him with whatever spiritual, physical or emotional problems he is having.

I have experience with this. My dad used to beat me when I was a child. He would pick me up and throw me like a rag doll into walls, furniture. I remember one time he threw me into the rocking chair and it shattered completely. (He had a drinking problem.)

Then when I was a teenager I was sexually assaulted (not by my dad by someone else.)

For years I harboured so much hate against both of these people, it ruined and destroyed my life. I have prayed for both of them and forgiven them. My life never would have changed if I hadn’t prayed for them. You need to listen to the words of our Lord Jesus Christ and practice them. Today I have a great relationship with my dad and am at peace with the person who attacked me.

I still have repurcsions from the past though. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean your life still isn’t affected. I’m still afraid of men. Hopefully, one day I’ll be able to overcome it.
 
I can’t tell you how to forgive him, but I have a suggestion on how to pray when you’re feeling full of anger… think of your anger as an ugly letter - like a nasty, expensive bill - that you’ve just received. Picture it in your mind. Then, picture yourself handing it to Jesus and say, “I can’t handle this. Could you please take care of it for me?” Picture just handing it over to Him and him taking it from you to deal with as He sees fit. Do this whenever you feel this resentment or anger and are aware of it in your conscious thoughts. In other words - give it to God. I find visualizing my anger or worry or whatever as being a sheet of paper (letter, bill) that I can hand to Jesus really helps me let go of it at the time.
 
HOPEFUL_IN_UK said:
I can’t tell you how to forgive him, but I have a suggestion on how to pray when you’re feeling full of anger… think of your anger as an ugly letter - like a nasty, expensive bill - that you’ve just received. Picture it in your mind. Then, picture yourself handing it to Jesus and say, “I can’t handle this. Could you please take care of it for me?” Picture just handing it over to Him and him taking it from you to deal with as He sees fit. Do this whenever you feel this resentment or anger and are aware of it in your conscious thoughts. In other words - give it to God. I find visualizing my anger or worry or whatever as being a sheet of paper (letter, bill) that I can hand to Jesus really helps me let go of it at the time.
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I had never thought of it this way… this is a great way to deal w/it!

Thanks for sharing!
 
gradstud35 said:
I agree with the previous poster. Try to pray for your dad. Even if you don’t mean it, pray for him. Ask for the Lord to forgive him for his sins and help him with whatever spiritual, physical or emotional problems he is having.

I have experience with this. My dad used to beat me when I was a child. He would pick me up and throw me like a rag doll into walls, furniture. I remember one time he threw me into the rocking chair and it shattered completely. (He had a drinking problem.)

Then when I was a teenager I was sexually assaulted (not by my dad by someone else.)

For years I harboured so much hate against both of these people, it ruined and destroyed my life. I have prayed for both of them and forgiven them. My life never would have changed if I hadn’t prayed for them. You need to listen to the words of our Lord Jesus Christ and practice them. Today I have a great relationship with my dad and am at peace with the person who attacked me.

I still have repurcsions from the past though. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean your life still isn’t affected. I’m still afraid of men. Hopefully, one day I’ll be able to overcome it.
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:eek: I’m sorry you went thru that… people can just hurt innocent ones for no reason at all… I pray to God that you may heal and overcome that and get rid of your fear of men.
 
Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is an act of the will.

The feelings don’t go that easy. Pray for healing for yourself in this.

Forgiveness puts all the responsibility for the sin on the sinner, not on the one sinned against.
 
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