My boyfriend can't let go of his adult son. What can I do?

[AV1987]

I’m 33 years old and my boyfriend is 47. We live together in my one bedroom apartment. He has three adult sons ages 17, 19 and 23. We talked about starting a family and he told me he wanted a baby with me.

His oldest son graduated from college last year and one day my boyfriend asked me if he could move in with us because his biological mom was moving some place else and he didn’t want to move with her. He told me it was temporarily while he found his son a place to live. Well, it’s been 6 months and his son doesn’t have a job and he’s not looking for one. He’s been unemployed since his graduation (in May of 2019) and he lives with us rent free. He spends the day sleeping and playing video games and has no responsibilities. My boyfriend seems okay with this because he doesn’t tell him anything. As a matter of fact, my boyfriend pays his bills, does his laundry and cooks for him. He treats him like a boy, rather than an adult.

I have told my boyfriend that I feel uncomfortable with his son living here for too long because because I lost my privacy and the apartment is small. His son is using my living room because I don’t have an extra room for him. My boyfriend and I split the rent and the bills and it’s not fair for me to pay half of everything when I barely have access to my living room and I have to be in my room most of the time, or the kitchen/dinning room area since there’s no space for all of us. Sometimes his son goes to sleep at his girlfriend’s house but then he gets bored and comes back with us. He’s with us all the time instead of working or having a social life. I feel like it’s 3 of us instead of 2 in a relationship.

Also, my boyfriend stopped talking to me about our plans of having a baby since his son moved in with us. Why would he need another kid when he already has one? But his son is 23 and I think it’s time for him to be on his own. I’m not saying that he shouldn’t see his father but he’s an adult and he should be taking care of himself.

I’m happy of the great bond my boyfriend has with his son, but him sleeping over at our house is not the way I planned to live. I want some intimacy with my boyfriend. I have tried talking to him but it doesn’t help as he keeps telling me that his son is leaving but nothing changes. I feel like my only option is to tell my boyfriend that it’s better for us to live apart while his son matures and finds his own place. It breaks my heart to do this, because I love my boyfriend so much and I can’t imagine being without him. Do you think it’s fair that I will probably end up alone at the age of 33, while he’s son has a whole life ahead of him, a career and he’s old enough to be on his own?
I wanted my own family and the reason why I say I will probably end up alone is because I got divorced 3 years ago and I’m tired of dating even if I’m still young. I want stability in my life not to switch boyfriends all the time.

I was just wondering if you have any solutions for this issue. I know I will be depressed if I end up splitting from my boyfriend because I loved but he doesn’t see that his son needs to grow up. Talking to him doesn’t help. I tried it but nothing changes. Any advice?

 

[Annie]

You and your boyfriend are living together without being married and you’re thinking of having a baby together and you are coming onto a Catholic board to ask what to do about his adult son who is also living with you?

First, separate and stop having sex. Sex can resume after marriage.

That will solve the problem of the son living in your apartment, and the problem of your committing a grave sin with a man who is so inconsiderate that he does not after the first or second month of this at least offer to pay 2/3 of the expenses.

 

[heidi_storage]

This relationship sounds like a mess. Extricate yourself now. Your boyfriend is clearly happy with the status quo and will not change anything as long as he has what he wants. He can promise you the world, but actions matter more than words.

 

[Anicette]

First, separate and stop having sex. Sex can resume after marriage.

That will solve the problem of the son living in your apartment, and the problem of your committing a grave sin

probably a civil marriage would not solve the sin. The OP said she is a divorcee. So prabably (as she came to a Catholic forum) a catholic weeding.

 

[Irishmom2]

If you can afford to move, that’s what you should do. So many things are out of order, so many people are not doing what they should. Yes, extricate is the perfect word, @heidi_storage.

OP, I don’t know if you are Catholic or not, but nothing is as it should be in your relationship.

 

[Anicette]

Your boyfriend has children. You can’t ignore them. If you marry him, you would become a family and would have to have them around if his father decide they need him. And it would up to their father to take the decisions over them, not you.

Are you ready to accept the existing children?

The idea of annie to ask your boyfriend to pay more is good.

But better would to live separate until you eventually may marry.

 

[1ke]

If you want a different life, that starts with a different boyfriend.

Yours is showing you what your future will look like, he’s telling you with every action loud and clear. His words don’t matter, his actions tell the story.

We live together in my one bedroom apartment

I’m not sure if you are Catholic and looking for Catholic advice, but it can’t have escaped your notice that living with a boyfriend is grave matter against the sixth commandment and you should refrain from living together and sexual relations outside of marriage.

You may have to deal with getting him out of your apartment through a legal process, or move yourself, depending on the lease and the laws of your state.

Put God first, and everything else will follow.

got divorced 3 years ago and I’m tired of dating even if I’m still young. I want stability in my life not to switch boyfriends all the time.

I think you need some counseling to help you deal with your feelings, because this isn’t really the right reason to be in a relationship.

Do you think it’s fair that I will probably end up alone at the age of 33, while he’s son has a whole life ahead of him, a career and he’s old enough to be on his own?

I think the results you get are a consequence of the choices you make. Make some new choices and get some new results.

Time to kick this guy to the curb.

I tried it but nothing changes.

You can only change you. So, get a different boyfriend. Or better yet, no boyfriend while you explore why you make the man choices you have been making.

If you choose not to do that, then expect more of the same.

 

[Annie]

The OP said she is a divorcee.

Thank you, I missed that!

was just wondering if you have any solutions for this issue. I

First, stop living with your boyfriend. Your situation with him is a mess because he gets what he wants just by saying what you want to hear and you do not get what you need because you think maintaining this “stable” relationship is more important than living a psychologically (and financially!) healthy life.

Second, get right with God. Go to Confession and then go to Mass each week.

Third, personally, I would recommend talking with a counselor so you can learn about making and enforcing boundaries.

Fourth, talk with your pastor or the person in charge of annulment requests at your church. Your first marriage needs to be annulled, if that is possible, before you can marry again.

 

[Legend]

All good advice, but remember…
We’re living in a world where there’s a very dangerous virus, so, it may be hard for either the son, or the OP, to move out right now.

I agree, she should stop having sex, and move out, if possible. Your absence would, at least, force him to pay for all the rent, plus food and other incidentals for himself and his sons. That would be a test of the relationship, maybe the final one…if he tries to keep up the sexual relations, or just wants you to be in a position to pay what you have been paying, you know you’re in a wrong relationship-he doesn’t care about your religious beliefs, and most likely is using you, financially. You don’t need that!

Start counseling with a priest, about what a Christian relationship should be…it sounds like you never learned it, or are in denial. It sounds as if you’re living in an apartment that’s in your name, with him and his sons taking up most of the space!

It looks like you’ve fallen into a trap that women have been falling into for centuries; you feel that your life cannot be complete without a man. So, just about any man becomes better than no man. While there’s certainly nothing wrong with marriage, it sounds like the man you’re with hasn’t even brought up the subject!

If you are a Christian, see your pastor. If not, or if you haven’t been attending church regularly, see a counselor. I could go on and on, but what you need is professional counseling, ideally, with a priest, at least to start. You were meant for better things than having this man take advantage of you. Pray. Read your bible. You don’t deserve being treated like you’ve been. Get out as soon as possible. Don’t renew the lease on your place, and don’t pay for anything that you don’t have to-legally.

I’ll pray for you. God Bless!!!

 

[Dolphin]

Tell my boyfriend that it’s better for us to live apart.

This would be the Catholic perspective…

Keep in mind, you two aren’t married. Your boyfriend has sons who are his responsibility. Fact is, since you are not married, your boyfriend has more of a responsibility to be a father to his sons than to be your boyfriend.

This is not a healthy situation and is very clouded because you are living together unmarried and even suggesting creating a new family.

 

[Psalm30]

@AV1987 are you Catholic?

 

[dollysro]

My suggestion is don’t grow a wishbone where your backbone should be.
If you want to live together, be married.
If you want children, be married, and to someone who wants children.
If you want stability, find it in yourself, not in dating.
If you don’t want to end up alone, you will need to stop worrying about it and putting up with anyone just so you won’t “end up alone.”
33? Oh honey, life hasn’t even begun yet!
Concentrate on you! Seek an annulment and that will give you a lot of insight in to yourself as well the freedom to date.

 

[Hume]

A man is obligated to his kids before anyone else. And since the world is in economic shock right now, ain’t nobody “launching” any time soon.

It seems you’re the problem.

It’s his money. His kids. Settle down or get yourself gone.

 

[Irishmom2]

@dollysro, wish I could like this post a 100 times!

 

[puer.dei]

It seems you’re the problem.

It’s his money. His kids. Settle down or get yourself gone.

Seriously? It’s her apartment. The boy was supposed to be there temporarily, and had way more than enough time to find a job before the pandemic hit. In case you’ve forgotten we had no lock-down in May 2019.
Why you think it’s OK that he’s not paying “his kid’s” share is another question.

Things are opening back up, she needs to give them a deadline to move out and take her life back.

 

[Psalm30]

Everything I’m about to say is really a moot point because the fact that the OP is living with and having sex with someone she’s not married to warrants a simple solution: Stop living together and stop having sex. Get your previous marriage annulled before pursuing any other romantic relationships. However, I do feel I need to make a counterargument to what you’ve posted here.

A man is obligated to his kids before anyone else.

The “kid” is 23 years old. The dad is not doing him any favors by enabling his dependent behavior. He’s well over 18 and out of college. The least he can do is not sit around on the couch playing video games all day with no responsibilities. He needs to, at minimum, help out in ways such as cleaning the house or helping to prepare meals if he’s going to live rent free.

And since the world is in economic shock right now, ain’t nobody “launching” any time soon.

This has been going on since May 2019, long before the pandemic. And there are more ways than ever to make money online right now. He could probably pull off enough income to at least give a teeny tiny bit of contribution to the rent. Heck, there are free apps that reward you gift cards for watching ads. He could easily make enough to order a few essentials for the household from Amazon.

It’s his money. His kids.

Yep. And therefore the boyfriend should AT LEAST pay 2/3 of the rent—for himself and his son—rather than the half he’s currently paying.

It seems you’re the problem.

Nope. Don’t think so. She definitely needs to stop living with him and stop having sexual relations with someone she’s not married to. And she needs to stop holding onto a bad relationship because she’s afraid of being alone. But it’s not fair to say she’s the “problem” because she’s expecting the boyfriend to stop treating his 23-year-old son like a child.

 

[dollysro]

I have the same feeling with many of your posts IM2

 

[Hume]

I don’t completely buy her side of the story.

She sticks with him for “security” from her own words. So I see an older man with respectable income shacking up with some younger thing for the obvious reasons on both sides. We see it so often that it’s a cultural cliche.

Don’t like the arrangement? Splits-ville.

 

[Psalm30]

She sticks with him for “security” from her own words.

Emotional security. Women do this all the time. Some even stay with men who beat them for fear of being “without a man.” The OP has been advised on this thread to not stay in a bad relationship out of fear of being alone.

 

[puer.dei]

She definitely needs to move out

It’s her apartment.