My boyfriend can't let go of his adult son. What can I do?

[Psalm30]

It’s her apartment.

Sorry, I missed that part. The point is they shouldn’t be living together when they’re not married. If it’s her apartment then he needs to move out, as does his unhealthily dependent 23-year-old son.

I’ve edited my other post to reflect that it’s her apartment.

 

[AV1987]

I know it’s not right to live together before marriage but not everyone wants to get married. I, personally, would have to think it twice or three times before getting married again after my divorce. Living together is a whole different thing and that’s how you really get to know the person well. That’s why before getting married I prefer to really see who the person is in all aspects. And having the baby was something we discussed for the future, if everything well.

The real issue here is that I don’t think 3 people should be living in a one bedroom apartment, with one not helping financially, which is his son. He has no excuse, as he’s an adult and has a college degree. I don’t agree with his lifestyle of not working and spending hours platino video games. If my boyfriend can’t telling him it’s time to get his act together, then I will have to move. That’s why I wanted some opinions. I really don’t know what else I can do.

 

[1ke]

know it’s not right to live together before marriage but not everyone wants to get married.

If you don’t want to get married, then you should not be dating and certainly not living with and having sex with a man who is not your husband.

The source of your trouble is that you aren’t living according to God’s law.

Living together is a whole different thing and that’s how you really get to know the person well.

Living together is a sin against God and his commandments.

The real issue here is

No that isn’t the real issue at all.

I really don’t know what else I can do.

Sounds like you didn’t really want Catholic advice, and it also doesn’t really sound like you are interested in living a Godly life, care what you are doing offends God, or plan to make appropriate changes.

I don’t think there is a lot of advice to offer you here if you want to maintain a sexual relationship with this guy, other than: go talk to your pastor.

 

[tuscany]

The real issue here is that I don’t think 3 people should be living in a one bedroom apartment, with one not helping financially, which is his son. He has no excuse, as he’s an adult and has a college degree. I don’t agree with his lifestyle of not working and spending hours platino video games. If my boyfriend can’t telling him it’s time to get his act together, then I will have to move. That’s why I wanted some opinions. I really don’t know what else I can do.

Right there you answered your own question. You don’t want to live with 3 adults living in a one bedroom apartment and you paying for half of everything the 3 of you need. But you are living that way and have been since May 2019. Your boyfriend didn’t keep his end of the agreement because he likes things the way they are, and you don’t like living this way knowing you are second to his son. Your boyfriend walks all over you because you are letting him. You know what to do, and the more time you are wasting with this user is less time for possibly meeting a real man that would make you first in his life. You know what to do, God bless.

 

[redbetta]

If it’s your apartment, why would you be the one that has to move?

 

[Psalm30]

That’s why before getting married I prefer to really see who the person is in all aspects.

Um, well, I think you’ve accomplished that and the answer is clear. Break up and move on.

 

[Psalm30]

If my boyfriend can’t telling him it’s time to get his act together, then I will have to move.

If it’s your apartment, you don’t move out. Your boyfriend moves out. As does his son who has no business being there in the first place.

 

[Mrchatsworth]

You are playing married. You are living together before marriage and then you think that gives you any standing whatsoever to judge his parenting of his adult children. They aren’t your children and that is something you should realize. If you get married and have kids he will most likely direct your parenting of them because “he has done this three times” and you will be compared as a mother to the mother of his children. And his children that he has raised will always come before you. And you will always judge the way he treats them. What shocks me frankly is the idea that you have an opinion on his handling of his adult child From a moral perspective when the adult child probably has an opinion of his dad’s girlfriend from a moral perspective. Are you living a good Holy Christian life? judging the adult child and the dad as lazy or slothful or annoying means that you might need some introspection into your situation and what God would want for you to do.
The example you are setting for the young man as to what a woman should be valued for is suspect. He may think his dad has a pretty sweet setup with a woman to pay for things and offer a place where he can just enjoy living without responsibilities. You are worth more than this.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Is your landlord okay with a 3rd adult in the apartment? Most landlords I know would evict a tennant for living 3 adults in a 1 bedroom.

It sounds as if you have really nothing in common with this man. It is your apartment, give them a deadline to vacate your apartment.

And having the baby was something we discussed for the future, if everything well.

He is 47. How far in the future are you talking?

As a Catholic, let’s assume you begin the process to have your prior marriage investigated, that takes 9 months or more, we’ll say a year and you get your freedom to marry.

Then prepping for a Catholic marriage is at least 6 months. If you get pregnant on the honeymoon, you are planning to have a newborn with a 50 year old father. Dad will be in AARP when child goes to Kindergarten. Dad will be near 70 when his child graduates high school. Believe me, once we get past 55, people are usually not as energetic and physical as when they are in their 30/40s.

How long have you known him?

 

[Mrchatsworth]

To be fair I’m 45. With kids from 10 months-14 years. It is likely we will have a couple more. I’m in far better shape than I was 14 years ago. But it is harder to get in shape. I can mountain bike with the kids put two in packs and climb mountains, swim laps with kids on me. It’s like training for those fitness competitions only instead of flipping tires and pulling trucks across a parking lot it’s installing car seats when it’s 100 out! Your point is grounded but some of us feel like we are in our prime!

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I’m 33 years old and my boyfriend is 47. We live together in my one bedroom apartment. He has three adult sons ages 17, 19 and 23. We talked about starting a family and he told me he wanted a baby with me.

Given that this is a Catholic forum, you should not be living with this man, much less talking about having a baby with him, when you aren’t even married. You’re also going on and on about wanting some “intimacy with your boyfriend” when you are not married to him. In short, you’re committing all kinds of sins, which we as Catholics don’t condone.

I think this is a bad, immoral situation all around before you even got to the part about the adult son. You should get out of it.

If you want a stable relationship and family, you would be better off finding a man who will marry you BEFORE he expects you to live with him. And presumably you will also want to weed out any men who are not able to spend the amount of private time with you that you would want as a wife.