My boyfriend has been to mass before but never a catholic mass?

[MNathaniel]

I would never ask my bf to become catholic.

What? Why?

If you believe that the Catholic Church is the Church founded by Jesus, continuing to this day, and that Jesus is substantially present in the Eucharist and it is by receiving the Eucharist that we obey Jesus’ commands to eat his flesh and drink his blood… and if you believe that our sins are forgiven through the sacrament of Catholic Confession… why on earth would you “never” ask your bf to become Catholic? Don’t you think that becoming Catholic is ultimately in every human’s best interest – and don’t you want what’s best for your bf, just like you want what’s best for every human? And once married, wouldn’t you intend to raise your children Catholic (a commitment you are required to make during marriage) – and don’t you recognize that this is easier when both parents are Catholic?

I’m not saying you try to drag him kicking and screaming, or ignore the nuances of the journey he’s on with God (e.g. maybe he’s a Protestant who’s trying his best but just doesn’t understand yet about Catholic theology/history). But something sounds off to me that you’re so quick to say you’d “never” invite your bf to become Catholic. With respect, I wonder if you might have more growing to do in your own faith, to better understand what a tremendous gift it is from God to you, and how much others would benefit from it as well (including your bf).

And I’m also wondering how old you are (and how old your boyfriend is)?

 

[TC3033]

My wife and I have been together over 20 years, married for over 16 of it.

I don’t remember her asking me once to become Catholic or make is sound like a stipulation.

 

[phil19034]

I guess my question is how do I get him used to the idea of possibility having a full wedding mass when and if we get married.

Simply tell him that you plan to get married in the Church with a full wedding mass the next time you have a conversation about marriage.

 

[TC3033]

And when talking about faith, and his wedding too, he may never be used to the idea.

I don’t know if I would have gotten used to the idea of having a part of my wedding where I (and my family) were only observers while my wife’s side of the church participated.

People are different, some don’t care.

OP, have you ever had the discussion with him?

 

[MNathaniel]

As I wrote in my initial comment, I’m not saying she has to make it a ‘stipulation’ that he become Catholic in order to marry… I am however saying that it’s weird for me to hear someone say they would “never” invite their own spouse to join their religion. I think that falls too far to the side of contemporary secularist ideology that treats religion as some sort of irrelevant private hobby, as if it’s somehow rude, intrusive, or wrong to believe that our religion represents the fullness of truth and it is in everyone’s best interest to be invited to share in this gift that God has given us.

You might not personally believe it, since you are a non-Catholic – but what I’m saying is that’s weird if a Catholic doesn’t believe it. I’m an adult convert to Catholicism and I honestly think it’s a pity and a shame that so many cradle Catholics seemingly don’t understand the gift they’ve been given, to the point that they’ll say explicitly that they’d “never” invite someone else to share it.

 

[TC3033]

I’m one who’s never invited my wife to join mine either.

That’s one of the things about mixed-marriages, and this is just as much for the OP too. You have to go in with full respect of the other’s faith background and can’t go in with the hope one spouse is going to go one way or the other.

To be honest, conversion in either way (her my way or me her way) isn’t something that I honestly remember us ever bringing up…But that’s us.

 

[Springchick]

We’re both 25

 

[Springchick]

What do you mean walking him up the aisle?
I’m from the states the groom waits at the end of the aisle?

 

[Irishmom2]

I think he means does your boyfriend know you two are getting married or is this all just you thinking ahead.

 

[Springchick]

I’m thinking ahead.
I’m a planner

 

[Springchick]

And because I’m not controlling, I even told him that during Lent he doesn’t have to eat fish with me on Fridays if he doesn’t want to. It’s all up to him

 

[Kindnessmatters]

You will need to go through pre Cana in order to marry in the he church. The priest can counsel and advise you on all your concerns.

I understand you do not want to ask your husband to become Catholic, but have you talked to him about it at all? Have you invited him to learn about it and consider conversion so that you can potentially raise your children in the church together? You can invite him without forcing his hand, and he could go through RCIA if he has an interest.

 

[TC3033]

so that you can potentially raise your children in the church together?

I’m a little off put by this comment. Why can’t they raise them together? My wife and I have been together over 20 years and she’s never once opened a discussion about me converting. We’ve gotten two boys through first communion with the oldest coming up on confirmation age and I think we did it together.

 

[Kindnessmatters]

I raised my son as a single mom and often stepped into unfamiliar territory doing my best to show him how to do things ranging from building a pinewood derby car to throwing a football These were not things I grew up doing, that I was taught how to do nor that I felt particularly interested in doing. It benefitted my son, so I stepped up.

I think a non-Catholic parent teaching and guiding their children in their development as Catholics would be much the same - a loving and admirable gesture to benefit their child, nothing I would criticize. That said, being raised Catholic goes way beyond sacraments and mass - it is a whole way of life. It’s an entire belief system and even many people who were raised Catholic are not well educated in the faith. For many Catholics, as with any faith, the religion defines our values and informs our decisions and the way we live and see the world. It is foremost in our lives. If one is not Catholic, I would not think one could genuinely model how they live the faith. Many Catholic parents get their kids through the sacraments. Do they model a Catholic life beyond the church? After a first confession, do the kids get brought back to church for confession, seeing their parents go into the confessional as well? Do they see their mother and dad show reverence in receiving communion?

As I said, I don’t think anyone should be forced to change faiths or be pressured. I truly believe free will is an essential component of Catholicism and if we don’t come to it freely, it is not genuine. However, I see no problem with inviting one’s fiancé to look into, consider, learn about and if they so choose, to join this beautiful church. When they go through their own faith formation, personally experiencing and living the faith, I truly believe they can better demonstrate the Catholic way of life. I do not say that to denigrate anyone else’s way of life, but as a Catholic this is of value to me, and this of course is a Catholic site about Catholic life and issues. The suggestion is to invite him to look into the faith, not condition the relationship on strong-armed force into the faith.

 

[TC3033]

I raised my son as a single mom and often stepped into unfamiliar territory doing my best to show him how to do things ranging from building a pinewood derby car to throwing a football These were not things I grew up doing, that I was taught how to do nor that I felt particularly interested in doing. It benefitted my son, so I stepped up.

Kudos, that’s super commendable.

To be honest, you’d be surprised at how well non-Catholics actually do live the faith. There are some (probably quite a few) who actually live it quite well. I would consider myself a better “Catholic” role model for my sons than other Catholic Dad’s I know. Same thing for my non-Catholic neighbor. I know that non-Catholic have a weird stigma on here where it’s believed we’re all into chaos and anarchy, but it’s really not that way. Oh, and when you have to qualify a statement my saying it’s not meant to tear someone down…that’s exactly how it’s taken. It kind of comes off as putting my wife down for “settling” for a non-Catholic

However, I see no problem with inviting one’s fiancé to look into, consider, learn about and if they so choose, to join this beautiful church.

OK, put the shoe on the other foot. If OP came on here and said that her fiance invited her to look into converting to his church, there would be endless replies of saying how she should cut it off and run for the hills because he doesn’t respect her, or her faith and she’ll hear him asking to convert for the rest of her life. My wife has never once asked me about converting, and I respect that.

A “mixed” marriage works through each other’s mutual respect for the other’s faith. If you can’t have that, a “mixed” marriage isn’t going to work.

 

[Springchick]

And I don’t, he or his family has never once asked me to convert to their religion in the almost year that we’ve been together it hasn’t popped up.
I just said that I would like to have our wedding in a Catholic Church and he said fine.

 

[Kindnessmatters]

I married a non-Catholic myself. Didn’t work out well…lots of other people do it better.

If you want to set an example as a Catholic, but aren’t a Catholic, I think you may not be well formed in the faith. You either don’t know it well, or have issues with it, or you would also be Catholic, unless you don’t put enough importance in it to join the church. Many Catholics aren’t very orthodox and pick and choose from the faith. It is not really accepted practice per Catholic doctrine, but then again…free will. Many people just want to have the sacraments and celebrate the holidays. That is not a very invested Catholic life, however, no matter how common it might be.

We make our choices. At times I have not been very orthodox myself. Presently I am because I feel I was wrong before and have paid a high price…I am making amends and correcting my path very imperfectly. To me, being Catholic means daily prayer, monthly confession (at minimum), weekly Mass and communion, regular adoration time, fasting as prescribed, observing holy days of obligation and considering my faith in all major decisions and, as appropriate, minor ones. I learned as an adult my formation in the faith was lacking, so added Bible study, women’s group and retreats. Most Catholics would find my practices beyond what they are willing to do and many others are far advanced beyond me, but the goal for me is to know and follow the faith closely and improve over time. We are all called to do so, most of us don’t.

I do consider actually being Catholic essential to being Catholic. Sorry if that offends you. I personally am not a very good Jew, Muslim or protestant, and I really fall short as an atheist. Silly argument. If you actively and ardently practice and set an example of a religion you don’t believe in enough to join, I guess I don’t find that common in my personal life experiences.

In any event, my suggestion wasn’t for you so you don’t need to take it personally. I do not think Catholics are better than non-Catholics as people but I do believe the faith is the the one true faith. That is the Catholic position on the matter and I accept it as valid. You may disagree, but that is our catechism either way.

If you are a strong Catholic, please join us. You are more than welcome.

 

[TC3033]

I guess this may be a bit where we are going to differ. I am a good Christian role model for my kids. Sure, we’re not as orthodox as you are, but not many are. I hope that you aren’t saying that we can’t be good parents or good role models because of this.

I do my best to support my kids and wife in every facet of life that I can. I will never (I guess I shouldn’t say never) be a Dad who stays home from church because I don’t want to go, or push for less attendance on Sundays (for some reason we non-Catholics get this rap and I don’t know why).

If living a good Christian life as best as we can and instilling these qualities in my sons while supporting their faith development isn’t enough, I guess I’m sorry you feel that way. I know we would like to be more active in the parish from that perspective as well, but since I’m not Catholic we can’t and my wife isn’t going to take the boys for volunteer work when I can’t be there by their side.

You are more than welcome.

Meh, see that’s the thing and one giant roadblock. I’m so unwelcome now as the wrong flavor of Christian, but as soon as I say I’d like to think about RCIA…now I’m welcomed with open arms. I don’t get it…

 

[TomH1]

It is a figure of speech referring to getting married. It’s not intended as a precise description of what happens.

 

[whatistrue]

I’m so unwelcome now as the wrong flavor of Christian, but as soon as I say I’d like to think about RCIA…now I’m welcomed with open arms

I am sorry you have to deal with that. I suspect it is a parish or perhaps regional thing though, as I was welcomed from day 1 with no pressure to cross over or anything. Everyone I interacted with was open and friendly even before the wedding. Of course I couldn’t and still can’t yet do certain things within the Church or join the KofC, and everyone is still just as welcoming now that I have joined RCIA (entirely my own decision with no pressure from either my wife or the local Church). And young children of our own are not part of this stage of our lives, so that part is definitely different.