My boyfriend is a devout catholic and my “devout” parents don’t like him. What do I do?

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Hi everyone,

I’m new here, sorry if where I’m posting is incorrect. So, I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. We met at the catholic campus Ministry at our university. He is from South America and I am a citizen of the US while he is not. Our relationship is wonderful and we are both devout Catholics. We want to get married and plan on getting engaged in the near future. He is someone who pushes me in my faith life, and is someone who will help me get into heaven.

My parents do not like him. They have said it is for cultural reasons, but whenever he is brought up in conversation it sounds more like racism to me. They consider themselves to be devout Catholics. I could see my mom as being one, but my dad goes to mass every Sunday and that’s about it. He hasn’t gone to confession in maybe 4 years, I’ve never seen him pray, and he doesn’t talk about the faith. He really doesn’t do a great job being the domestic priest of our family. My mom has met with my boyfriend a couple of times while my father refused to even meet him for a while. My dad eventually said yes, and only met with him for an hour. This was about a year and a half into our relationship. My dad can’t give me any other reason other than “cultural reasons” (I will not give the specifics) to not like him. My boyfriend has never been invited into our house. I have received financial threats from my father if I even bring up my boyfriends name around him. Basically, it’s bad and they have told me that my marriage will fail if I marry him. I’m not sure that’s something you should tell your daughter. Marriage is a sacrament, and my boyfriend and I plan to treat it that way.

Anyway, I fear that if we get married my parents will not come, and they will not be a part of our life. I doubt they would come to our kids baptisms, or anything like that. I’m wondering what to do. Should I not marry him if it will cause such a problem in my family? Is it me being disobedient to my parents if I marry him? Any general advice would be appreciated.

Thank you, and please pray for me, my boyfriend, and our families. Hopefully one day our families will be one.
 
Well, as much as I believe we should be respectful of our parent’s wishes, this is your life, not theirs.

If you had reservations about the man, or if your parents had some concrete reasons then that would be one thing, but from what you’ve said they don’t. It’s sad that they reject a man who is helping you grow in your faith and relationship with God, but that is ultimately on their heads. Don’t sacrifice a good relationship just because they have some cultural / racial problem with it.
 
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Parents have not liked boyfriends or girlfriends for many hundreds of years. That is just the way it is sometimes. 🙂
 
As a parent and having gone through a serious relationship while I was college… Whoa there! Slow down a little. When college kids start talking about marriage I get a little nervous. Sure dating is good, but while in college and until you have a job and your life in a little bit of order, keep it simple. Live your life and experience things before getting tied down.
 
Marymostholy said:
He is someone who pushes me in my faith life, and is someone who will help me get into heaven.
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I have been married to a devout Colombian man for 14 years who I met in church and has helped me in my sanctification which is true to the purpose of the vocation of marriage. I would start going to the same parish if you aren’t already. The only things that I suggest that you examine are 1) the hugging custom between South Americans since Americans tend to be hand-shakers not huggers. Also, 2) examine any of his preexisting female friends since immigrant people “flock to their own” which may not be tolerated after marriage.
 
Marymostholy said:
Hi everyone,

I’m new here, sorry if where I’m posting is incorrect. So, I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. We met at the catholic campus Ministry at our university. He is from South America and I am a citizen of the US while he is not. Our relationship is wonderful and we are both devout Catholics. We want to get married and plan on getting engaged in the near future. He is someone who pushes me in my faith life, and is someone who will help me get into heaven.

My parents do not like him. They have said it is for cultural reasons, but whenever he is brought up in conversation it sounds more like racism to me. They consider themselves to be devout Catholics. I could see my mom as being one, but my dad goes to mass every Sunday and that’s about it. He hasn’t gone to confession in maybe 4 years, I’ve never seen him pray, and he doesn’t talk about the faith. He really doesn’t do a great job being the domestic priest of our family. My mom has met with my boyfriend a couple of times while my father refused to even meet him for a while. My dad eventually said yes, and only met with him for an hour. This was about a year and a half into our relationship. My dad can’t give me any other reason other than “cultural reasons” (I will not give the specifics) to not like him. My boyfriend has never been invited into our house. I have received financial threats from my father if I even bring up my boyfriends name around him. Basically, it’s bad and they have told me that my marriage will fail if I marry him. I’m not sure that’s something you should tell your daughter. Marriage is a sacrament, and my boyfriend and I plan to treat it that way.

Anyway, I fear that if we get married my parents will not come, and they will not be a part of our life. I doubt they would come to our kids baptisms, or anything like that. I’m wondering what to do. Should I not marry him if it will cause such a problem in my family? Is it me being disobedient to my parents if I marry him? Any general advice would be appreciated.

Thank you, and please pray for me, my boyfriend, and our families. Hopefully one day our families will be one.
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My nephew has a similar predicament at the moment. He is dating a South Korean girl here on a visa. They have begun talking marriage but there is a concern that perhaps getting Australian citizenship is driving her more than love of my nephew. At the end of the day though my sister and her husband are willing to give the support and just pray that all is good in the end.
 
Yeah so I’m about to graduate and have been working to pay for my college. I will continue to work at the wealth management firm I currently work at full time upon graduation. I don’t think life experience is the problem.
 
What?! Did I miss something in the original post that the parents are actually saying other than they have an issue with where this person is from/what he looks like?

OP, Normally, listening to your parents is best, but they’ve given you zero reason to here.
 
That’s a tough one, and it’s going to come down to a difficult decision for you. If you go ahead with your relationship, you will have to accept that your parents are unwilling to support you with it. It’s your decision - you don’t have to obey your parents because you’re an adult. You do have to make a decision you can live with and be at peace with.

Have you spoken to this with anyone in real life, someone who knows you and who may be in a better place than we are to give advice?
 
If your father is making financial threats just for bringing up boyfriend’s name, then that is a red flag.
Have you had other issues with your parents being controlling in the past? Because if so, it is unlikely to lessen or go away. Sad, yes, but you may have to resign yourself to the fact that limited contact with your parents is healthier.
Also, if you and boyfriend truly plan to follow the teachings of the Church, aid each other in living the faith, and ultimately get to heaven- that sounds like true love. Nice catch, girl. 🙂
 
First question, if you do marry, where do you plan to make your home? Do your parents fear you will move to the other side of the world and that they will never see you?

Have you traveled to meet his family and truly understand his cultural heritage?
Marymostholy said:
it sounds more like racism to me
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I’d be cautious about making this accusation. Is your boyfriend of a different race or simply a different ethnic culture? Cultural differences can be challenging in a marriage, so, don’t discount every concern.
Marymostholy said:
the domestic priest of our family
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That is a term I’ve never heard. Again, just because you do not see someone praying does not mean that they do not pray. I pray in private.
Marymostholy said:
I have received financial threats from my father if I even bring up my boyfriends name around him.
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It sounds like it is time to become financially independent of your father.
 
Cultural differences can be very real. Explore those deeply and then you will have concrete examples to share with your parents, both of things you like about his culture, things you don’t like, and vice-versa. What kind of blend will you adopt when you marry? Heck, I’m from the South, and my husband is from California, and you wouldn’t believe how many things we didn’t have in common and how many misunderstandings we had due to cultural differences. If they get the feeling that you are weighing these things carefully, that may be enough to get them to be a bit more considerate.
 
I am not a parent (as some people commenting on here might be) but I agree with the people on her advising you to take it slower and not be too quick to go against your parents wishes. Yes you might find their behaviour to be unreasonable as you are really into this guy, but remember they are doing it out of love for you and really do want what’s good for you. Cultural differences, as @JHFamily mentioned, can really cause major problems later down the line. You don’t live together yet, you don’t have a family, so you might not be able to see this yet. I also wonder if they have serious concerns about whether he is doing this just to get US citizenship. I’m not going to accuse you of anything as I don’t know him, but it’s been known, and I’m sure they know that too.
 
Marymostholy said:
Thank you, and please pray for me, my boyfriend, and our families. Hopefully one day our families will be one.
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is he a citizen of the same country you are?

have you met his family?

parents generally come around once grandchildren are in the picture.

but I suggest you live at least one year on your own, in your own appartment, before you get married.
 
I would not be able to give an answer yes or no without more information about your parents and their (“cultural” etc.) backgrounds and your ages and where you eventually want to settle after marriage. Generally though, after a certain age, I would say that you might want to decide on your own,. Also, have you met his family and discussed it with them?
 
I am sorry to hear of your trial in this regard. Obviously, it’s easy to give advice anonymously over the internet, but harder to live it out.

Honoring our mother and father does not mean letting them dictate every aspect of our life in perpetuity. If you are an adult (and it sounds like you are), your parents do not get to tell you who to marry. As others have said, I would certainly give due consideration to their (name removed by moderator)ut (provided your relationship with them is otherwise normal and healthy). But choosing someone they don’t like doesn’t make you “disobedient.”

As ProdglArchitect said, it would be one thing if your parents had some valid reason and/or that their reason really resonated as something you knew to be a problem with the relationship already. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

I would encourage you to bring all these things to prayer. Maybe your parents will come around once they realize that he is not going anywhere. But maybe they won’t. You have to figure out what the possible consequences will be and whether or not you can live with them.
 
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It sounds like your parents are trying to control you unreasonably. You can’t allow yourself to give up the man you are currently thinking about spending the rest of your life with because your father doesn’t want you to have a south American husband.

You sound mature enough to know what you want. There is nothing wrong with getting married straight out of college. I know people who got married at 21 as soon as they graduated. I’ve even known people to get married aged around 20 while they were still students (one couple were evangelical Christians who got married aged 20 basically so that they could live together in their final year of university, and another couple were Catholics who married when the woman was 21 and had one year left of a four-year degree course and her husband was quite a few years older and already established in his career).

In my experience, parents usually come round to accepting their children’s choices. When the alternatives are conceding that you were wrong or losing your child, most people will be only too happy to concede that they were wrong.
 
ProdglArchitect said:
Well, as much as I believe we should be respectful of our parent’s wishes, this is your life, not theirs.

If you had reservations about the man, or if your parents had some concrete reasons then that would be one thing, but from what you’ve said they don’t. It’s sad that they reject a man who is helping you grow in your faith and relationship with God, but that is ultimately on their heads. Don’t sacrifice a good relationship just because they have some cultural / racial problem with it.
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Bingo. While you should always respect your parents, you have to live your own life. If you both love each other and are helping each other to grow closer to Christ, that’s the most important thing. While it is certainly ideal (and certainly makes things easier) to have your parents totally on board, at the end of the day, it’s your relationship, not theirs.

Unfortunately, cultural and racial factors can be barriers. I can’t make any solid guesses as to why your parents don’t like him, but I hope that if your relationship continues to blossom, your parents will come around.

As other posters have said, maybe your parents have the concern that he is using you to gain residency/citizenship or whatever. But from what you’ve said, it appears to be a very genuine relationship. That said, I tend to be more on the optimistic side when it comes to things like this.
 
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