My boyfriend is a devout catholic and my “devout” parents don’t like him. What do I do?

[Freddy]

There are some situations when it would be advisable to take advice from your parents (however old you are). There are some situations when asking advice from random strangers on the internet is a good idea.

To whom you get married is a decision that only you should make.

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

[Pattylt]

Perhaps it is time to sit down with your parents and ask them specifically what their objections and fears are in this area? If they hem and haw or refuse, then it’s fair to say to them that if they won’t voice their concerns, you will do as you feel is best. If they do voice their concerns, listen carefully. Don’t try to be defensive right away. Think it over and see if you can alleviate any of these fears.

It doesn’t sound like he is seeking a US citizenship…if he is, he is taking an awfully slow route to do so! If your parents express this fear, ask them if they’d feel better if you lived in his country?

Parents tend to think that no one is good enough for their daughters! You are in a difficult position right now but understand that many parents DO eventually come around…some never do. All you can do is weigh the choices that might mean disconnections from your family, staying connected but having tensions or hoping for gradual acceptance. My parents definitely did not like my husband but never disconnected from us and with time…and grandchildren, grew to love him! There is hope!

 

[Horton]

What are your boyfriends plans for after graduation? Is he here on a student visa? Is there employment prospects for him if he is able to stay in the US?
It seems you will have steady employment but will he?

Since your parents can’t name a specific reason there are against him, they can’t really advise you one way or the other. Is there another older relative who would be open to discussing this with you? Maybe in confidence?

Another area you will need to look into is immigration? If you were my daughter I would have some concerns but I would be willing to get to know the young man and have discussions about those concerns. I’m sorry your parents are failing you in this situation.

 

[Lara]

In speaking with my friend from Columbia, she mentioned she did not want to marry someone from back home because even though many men there are Catholic, there is also a culture of men having mistresses. Ask your parents if that is their concern.

I would move out (on your own) and if your parents want to visit you, they have to visit with your boyfriend too. Right now, they can have their cake and eat it too. They enjoy your company and they get to manipulate things so they get you to themselves.

 

[Phatmass1]

Your parents want what’s best for you, and have many more years of wisdom from life than you. Listen to them.

What’s best for her aren’t racist views from her parents. Racism is not wisdom. Nor should it be listened to.

 

[jzea1992]

Your still young no need to rush

 

[JHFamily]

What’s best for her aren’t racist views from her parents

But it’s not clear whether this is a case of racism or not. Concern about cultural differences is real. We’ve had African priests in our home, and a common theme is about cultural differences and how they are having or had a hard time adjusting to the US.

 

[Annie]

The teaching of the Church is that we ought to obey our parents when we are children. When we are old enough, the parents can no longer enforce obedience, especially in the choices made regarding one’s state in life.

There have been lots of stories among the saints of those who became religious or priests despite their parents’ objections.

That being said, our parents usually have more experience and they generally know us very well, so their advice can be useful, and we should at all times treat them with respect.

 

[Phatmass1]

But it’s not clear whether this is a case of racism or not.

Yeah this doesn’t sound racist at all.

“They have said it is for cultural reasons, but whenever he is brought up in conversation it sounds more like racism to me.”

“My father refused to even meet him for a while. My dad eventually said yes, and only met with him for an hour. This was about a year and a half into our relationship.”

“My boyfriend has never been invited into our house. I have received financial threats from my father if I even bring up my boyfriends name around him.”

“They have told me that my marriage will fail if I marry him.”

Honestly not surprised by a lot of the replies here. Last week there was a debate if saying the n word is sinful. Which was split like 50/50 before it got locked. One of the best replies being “well everyone is offended by something.”

 

[Norseman82]

The teaching of the Church is that we ought to obey our parents when we are children. When we are old enough, the parents can no longer enforce obedience, especially in the choices made regarding one’s state in life.

To add to what Annie stated, the “smoking gun” is CCC 2230, which states that parents are not to exert pressure on their children but rather offer “judicious advice”.

You may need to ask what exactly is their objection. If they are honest and give you reasons (such as differences in the cultural treatment of women or the possibility that he may be using you to gain a green card or the possibility your fiancée’s family is involved illegal activity back in the home country), that could qualify as “judicious advice”. But “Because I said so” is no longer valid once you are an adult.

Have you spoken to your pastor about this?

 

[PetraG]

What do “cultural reasons” even mean when you have never even met somebody? It is prejudice-based. I don’t think the parents’ objections count for much when they’re knee-jerk objections rather than objections based on concerning behavior.

If this is the first time you’ve considered someone as a potential spouse, well, there may be nobody good enough for you as far as your parents are concerned, particularly if you haven’t graduated from college yet. If it is not the first time, they may be grieving the guy they wanted as a son-in-law and automatically finding fault with whoever is proposed by you as an alternative.

Unfortunately, your parents refusal to get to know this fellow before passing judgment removes them as a good help to you to judge how your relationship is progressing. I hope you have people who know you both from campus who can give you both good feedback about any areas of concern that they see from the outside. It is good when parents or family members can help with that, but they can only do that if they give someone of interest a fair chance in the first place.

I have known lots of parents who come around when they get an in-law they did not want when it turns out that it is a good in-law. It is hard to maintain an irrational dislike of a person when you actually get to know them.

Don’t make your dad’s level of devotion your business and especially do not compare him to your boyfriend. You do not want your dad to ever feel he is in a competition with your boyfriend for your approval. Don’t set up that dynamic.

 

[QwertyGirl]

My parents didn’t like my husband before we got married because he wasn’t Catholic. After a few years of marriage he was their favorite in-law.

These things tend to work themselves out over time. Choose for yourself. Choose wisely.

 

[tafan2]

Wrong.

OP, it would be a weird situation to say the least if your parents would be estranged from you once grandkids are in the picture.

 

[JHFamily]

What do “cultural reasons” even mean when you have never even met somebody?

It may come from experience. I have had several different African priests in my home, and they strongly emphasize that the culture is very different. I have met many people from many countries and the cultural differences are always very real. To say there are no cultural differences or that it doesn’t matter is to bury your head in the sand.

I think that we need to give the parents the benefit of the doubt here. Cultural differences can ruin a marriage. Does it mean the marriage is impossible? Absolutely not. However, the more these things are talked about and an agreement made to how the two are going to be melded, the better the marriage will be. Some people get married and expect their new spouses to conform completely to their culture or family rituals, and this is unfair. This may be all that the parents are concerned about. If she dismisses the cultural differences entirely, this would lead them to dig in their heels here. After all, based on what was written, she lightly bypasses the subject.

So the real question is “Have you addressed your parents concerns?” or is it a matter of saying, “Oh, well, that’s not going to be a problem.”

 

[PetraG]

It may come from experience.

I’ve had enough experience with people who moved away from their country of origin because “their culture” didn’t suit them to know that is just prejudice. Remember, they have never met this person! Do you think the priest you met could tell you about everybody born in Africa? That no Catholic born on the continent of Africa could be a suitable partner for some particular other devout Catholic? No. It doesn’t work like that.

Honestly–would you think it is OK if your new girlfriend’s parents dismissed you as a “typical American Catholic”? What would that even mean?

What if the parents said they knew about African culture and were looking out for particular cultural things that could be an issue? Sure. That’s very different than dismissing someone that your daughter and her friends have taken the trouble to get to know. What they are doing is pre-judging without having ever met the guy.

 

[PatK63]

I assume you and staying pure. Advice I give is get an education, get a job, get married and have children. That is the order that works best.
Your parents want the best for you. I am glad you are trying to help them get to know this guy. Your mom may be able to bring the old man along. If you are of different races your children may have to deal with some prejudice. In the end it is your decision. Try to keep communications open with your parents!
Good luck.

 

[poche]

For some parents no man is good enough for their daughter.