My boyfriend won't let us raise our future children in the church

[quiet52]

Dear OP,

You claim you’re not as devout as you should be – none of us love God the way we should. However, many of us delude ourselves by convincing ourselves that we love Him, and then choosing what is acceptable to us in how to love Him. You claim to love God with all your heart, but you are not loving Him – you are defying His plan for marriage and for sexual relations. You claim your faith is unbreakable, yet you are actively breaking it and living on your own terms. Do you attend Mass? Do you yearn for the Eucharist? Do you want to be right before God? What does “being Catholic” mean to you? What does raising your children Catholic mean to you? Do you plan on raising “Cafeteria Catholics”? Do you plan on teaching them that sex outside of marriage is okay? Why is it “fine” with you to have a so-called “soulmate” who does not believe in God, does not want your children to believe in God, and who does not support your faith in God?

You claim to be basically acting married now and that your relationship is solid and that “everything else is perfect.” No, it’s not solid, and there are many things about your situation which seem far from “perfect.” Maybe you don’t know what a solid relationship entails, but you are deluding yourself.

You claim “Neither of us have ever had any reason not to trust each other” and yet how can you trust him to respect your faith and support you in it when he is so blatantly anti-Christian and insulting? On what basis can you trust him to want to marry you and remain married? You trust him??? What does trust mean to you?

You might even not marry – there’s no commitment in your relationship (“but there’s just one problem we have. I know it isn’t 100% going to come true, though I’d like it to, but we have often discussed getting married in a few years.”) You two are using each other for the fun. You are not giving yourselves fully to each other, which is only possible in a committed marriage. You claim that living with your boyfriend is like living in heaven. No doubt there are some great things going on between you, but no, it’s not anything close to heaven, because you’re not living according to our heavenly Father’s will. The devil wraps sin in very attractive packages – you’re looking at the package, but you’re ignoring much of the content.

Your wishful thinking that this man be your permanent soulmate may never actually happen. This man does not acknowledge his or your spirituality or even that souls exist. So have you thought about the devastation you might experience in a few years, when he decides he doesn’t want marriage, and that he doesn’t want to be with you forever? Are you truly willing to continue this gamble – this compromise of your faith – for the elusive possibility that this man might come around some day? Wouldn’t you rather look for a man who shares the more important values than good sex and good humor? Wouldn’t you rather live with a man who understands and appreciates the gift of Christ-centered marriage?

And do you realize that as a Catholic, you are required to marry in the Church? IF the two of you do ever decide to marry, you and your “intended” would need to participate in the marriage preparation program required by your diocese. You would need to obtain permission from the bishop to marry a non-Christian, after discernment with the pastor that your faith would not be endangered by marrying this non-Catholic. Don’t you think your faith has already been endangered? Are you truly at peace with all this?

You have compromised your faith and risked your salvation enough. Like other posters in this thread, I encourage you to return to the sacraments and to live your faith. Be an example to your boyfriend. Truly loving him, as God would want you to, would mean that you care for his soul and his salvation. You are cooperating with his sin instead of leading him to God. Please stop living with him and cease sexual relations outside of marriage. Show him what your faith means. He doesn’t respect your faith now – why should he, when you don’t?

 

[hsmomforlife]

Sorry, but the first thought that came to my mind was from an ‘old’ movie…

RUN, FOREST, RUN!!

 

[Bill_Martin]

Oh, my goodness, yes, people very often do find themselves hating their “soul mates”. Why? Because “soul mate” is the recognition of the place you have given to a person, a place earned by how you have interacted with them in time, but projected out over a lifetime. When that person fails to live out what you have projected that they would, when they betray the expectations you put on them, oh, you bet that hatred is a very likely emotional response. I don’t mean the moral choice to want them to suffer an ill fate, I don’t mean the moral choice to deny them charity. I mean the emotion recoil and counter-reaction at finding that someone to whom you had given the keys to your center has betrayed you and betrayed the trust you put in them and made themselves the sworn enemy (in word but more often in action) of something or someone under your protection. The emotional fury that can come out of that kind of violation (or perceived violation, if the projection was none of their doing) is terrible and violent, more terrible and violent than you could feel for anyone who was a stranger to your heart. There is no fury like the fury of being struck by an arrow that purposefully came from behind your own lines. (Honestly, I think this is the origin of the jealousy and fury that lead to the Crucifixion. Who but a respected rabbi would have gotten an attack like that from a group of Bible scholars?)

I think perhaps the boyfriend is not aware that there are ways of attacking a line of logic that is also an attack on the dignity of the person. It is his lack of understanding or his lack of caring about how people are to be treated, even when they are thought to be on the wrong side of an intellectual question that has an objectively knowable answer, that concerns me the most. How you treat someone you think is wrong is a very important indication of how you will treat everyone, sooner or later.

Makes sense to me.

 

[april32010]

i suppose you are using contraception also

 

[gracepoole]

Oh, OP. My heart goes out to you. And I hate to say it, but the advice you’ve gotten so far is spot on. Please spend some time in the family/parenting sections of CAF – you’ll find plenty of posts from desperate souls who’re dealing with a spouse who is completely absent from the family’s religious life, who sabotages all efforts to raise kids in the faith, etc. You need and deserve to feel accepted and normal for all of your beliefs, not just some. I’m kind of loathe to recommend Dr. Laura (for a whole host of reasons) but she snapshots the ideas you need to confront the most. First, “shacking up” in no way protects you (financially, emotionally, spiritually). Second, choose wisely and treat kindly. There’s no point in treating kindly if you haven’t chosen wisely. Her book, Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives, can help you figure out what “choosing wisely” means. Religious differences can be a nightmare to navigate once you’re married with children, and by that time it’ll be much, much more difficult (if not impossible) to leave.

Praying for you…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hi there,
I usually google things relating to my problems for solutions, but for the first time, I couldn’t find anything that quite fit my situation.

Really? You google things relating to your problems for solutions?

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 10 months now. We have been best friends for almost 3 years, while crushing on each other ever since . We have been living together for about three months. I am a Catholic. I’m not as devout as I should be, but I have an unbreakable faith and I believe in and love God with all of my heart.

Here is your first problem. You are a Catholic and yet living in sin with this man.

My boyfriend likes to call himself an “agnostic atheist”. This is fine with me. I have respect for people of all religions. I don’t argue or debate or push my religion on anyone. However, when I get married, no matter who I marry, I plan on baptizing my children, bringing them to church with me, and putting them in Sunday school.

There is no such thing as an “agnostic atheist;” either your boyfriend is confused, or he’s bonkers. An atheist believes there is no God. An agnostic is not willing to state that there is no God. You can’t be both.

Our relationship is solid. Neither of us have ever had any reason not to trust each other. We inspire each other, play and make each other laugh all of the time, are physically crazy about each other, and have just about everything else in common. Living with him has been absolute heaven… but there’s just one problem we have.
I know it isn’t 100% going to come true, though I’d like it to, but we have often discussed getting married in a few years. In fact I can’t imagine being with anyone else. He is literally the man of my dreams. We both really want kids, and we basically act married now.

You are “acting married,” but you are not married. Believe me, I’ve shacked up and I’ve also married. You’re not married, you’re fornicating and shacking up. Living with this man might seem like heaven, but continuing will send you to hell.

But he thinks that my religion, or rather the belief in God or anything supernatural at all is unhealthy. For one, he doesn’t want to do with whole Santa Clause/Easter bunny thing. That’s something I’ve always looked forward to do for my kids. He thinks it will encourage them to believe in magic and not be logical. He doesn’t want to put our future kids in Sunday school. He says I can take them to church if I let him tell them what he believes. Normally I would compromise, but I know just what he will say to our children.
He often goes onto certain websites and debates- rather starts fights with other Christians or those who believe in God and the bible. He does this in front of me. I try not to look, but when he’s not home I get curious and google. He dares Christians to come up with any evidence at all. Some of them have some, but of course, he’ll never accept it. He subtlety insults everyone he debates with and tries to belittle them and make them feel uneducated and weak. They can hold their own, but when they do, he gets nastier and nastier. The things he calls them and the condescending way he speaks to them hurts my feelings. I believe in the same things, after all. He claims that the people he debates with aren’t like Catholics, but does it matter when he is debating the existence of Jesus and validity of the Bible?

And THIS is your dream man?? Seriously, you must have some low standards for yourself. Can you not see that he is not in the least bit ashamed of himself? That is arrogance, and he doesn’t give a rat’s patoot about you.

I have no plans to convince him, as it cannot be done. All I can do is pray. But if he plans on telling the kids that mom is crazy and they don’t have to get up early on Sundays and they don’t have to take the time out of their fun lives to pray, and that can take the easy way out because the religion telling them to do these things is false, I would end up hating him.

Yes, you would.

Everything else is perfect. I know he is my soul mate, but I feel this slowly eating away at us, and I have insisted that we wait a few years to talk about it, because I am happy and I’m afraid I’ll end up leaving him if the conversation gets too far, but somehow it keeps coming up.
I’m not willing to bend on how I’m going to raise my future kids. But neither is he.
Any advice?
Thanks so much!

Everything else…Like what, exactly - the sex? So he will undermine your faith, which should be the main part of you, including to destroy any possible faith that your children might develop, and yet you still think he’s your “soul mate?” God gave you a mind for a reason, start using it! You can do better! Move out and see if a couple of months away from this arrogant atheist doesn’t give you clarity on your future. Pretty sure you will be amazed you ever let things get this far with him, and as for “soul mate,” well…

:banghead::banghead::nope:

 

[gracepoole]

Really? You google things relating to your problems for solutions?

Here is your first problem. You are a Catholic and yet living in sin with this man.

There is no such thing as an “agnostic atheist;” either your boyfriend is confused, or he’s bonkers. An atheist believes there is no God. An agnostic is not willing to state that there is no God. You can’t be both.

You are “acting married,” but you are not married. Believe me, I’ve shacked up and I’ve also married. You’re not married, you’re fornicating and shacking up. Living with this man might seem like heaven, but continuing will send you to hell.

And THIS is your dream man?? Seriously, you must have some low standards for yourself. Can you not see that he is not in the least bit ashamed of himself? That is arrogance, and he doesn’t give a rat’s patoot about you.

Yes, you would.

Everything else…Like what, exactly - the sex? So he will undermine your faith, which should be the main part of you, including to destroy any possible faith that your children might develop, and yet you still think he’s your “soul mate?” God gave you a mind for a reason, start using it! You can do better! Move out and see if a couple of months away from this arrogant atheist doesn’t give you clarity on your future. Pretty sure you will be amazed you ever let things get this far with him, and as for “soul mate,” well…

:banghead::banghead::nope:

Wow, TheRealJuliane is the next best thing to Dr. Laura! Blunt approach and all.

 

[LoveEveryone]

Hi there,

Hello

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 10 months now. We have been best friends for almost 3 years, while crushing on each other ever since . We have been living together for about three months.

Cohabitation before marriage puts you in many near occasions of sin. This may be tough for you, but I lived with my current wife for over 2 years, and never once had sex with her until our wedding night.

Personal desire is second to love. Jesus is love, so personal desire is second to Jesus.

This is one reason that I feel that this will not work. He does not respect your beliefs, and what you believe in.

I am a Catholic. I’m not as devout as I should be, but I have an unbreakable faith and I believe in and love God with all of my heart.

We all love God. Faith is different though.

Faith - Complete trust or confidence in someone or something

Faith is living the life. I will not tell you what to do with your life, but I will tell you one thing from my experiences. If you trust Jesus, then listen to his teachings and follow them

My boyfriend likes to call himself an “agnostic atheist”. This is fine with me.

So if you are standing before God, are you going to tell him that it is fine with him that your boyfriend takes shot and belittles his people?

Not trying to be harsh, just offering a different perspective.

I have respect for people of all religions. I don’t argue or debate or push my religion on anyone. However, when I get married, no matter who I marry, I plan on baptizing my children, bringing them to church with me, and putting them in Sunday school.

Now is a good test to this, that you say must happen. IF this guy is not willing to be open to it, then are you going to lower what you believe in to please him?

Do not forget how a family/marriage is to work. God comes first, before your husband. \

are physically crazy about each other

I hope you understand that this means nothing. Being physically crazy about each other is the easiest part about a relationship to say goes well.

and have just about everything else in common. Living with him has been absolute heaven… but there’s just one problem we have.
I know it isn’t 100% going to come true, though I’d like it to, but we have often discussed getting married in a few years. In fact I can’t imagine being with anyone else. He is literally the man of my dreams. We both really want kids, and we basically act married now. But he thinks that my religion, or rather the belief in God or anything supernatural at all is unhealthy. For one, he doesn’t want to do with whole Santa Clause/Easter bunny thing. That’s something I’ve always looked forward to do for my kids. He thinks it will encourage them to believe in magic and not be logical. He doesn’t want to put our future kids in Sunday school. He says I can take them to church if I let him tell them what he believes. Normally I would compromise, but I know just what he will say to our children.
He often goes onto certain websites and debates- rather starts fights with other Christians or those who believe in God and the bible. He does this in front of me. I try not to look, but when he’s not home I get curious and google. He dares Christians to come up with any evidence at all. Some of them have some, but of course, he’ll never accept it. He subtlety insults everyone he debates with and tries to belittle them and make them feel uneducated and weak. They can hold their own, but when they do, he gets nastier and nastier. The things he calls them and the condescending way he speaks to them hurts my feelings. I believe in the same things, after all. He claims that the people he debates with aren’t like Catholics, but does it matter when he is debating the existence of Jesus and validity of the Bible?

Sounds like someone who has their mind made up. Someone whos mind is already made up, becomes stubborn about the subject.

You are young, I would strongly urge you to take some of the advice here to heart. You are experiencing what many people do.

I have no plans to convince him, as it cannot be done. All I can do is pray. But if he plans on telling the kids that mom is crazy and they don’t have to get up early on Sundays and they don’t have to take the time out of their fun lives to pray, and that can take the easy way out because the religion telling them to do these things is false, I would end up hating him.

God, or your BF.

A choice you are going to have to make.

Everything else is perfect. I know he is my soul mate, but I feel this slowly eating away at us, and I have insisted that we wait a few years to talk about it, because I am happy and I’m afraid I’ll end up leaving him if the conversation gets too far, but somehow it keeps coming up.
I’m not willing to bend on how I’m going to raise my future kids. But neither is he.
Any advice?
Thanks so much!

Let me give you a few earning signs.

1. He doesnt care about something you claim you deeply believe in
2. He goes out of the way to disrespect and belittle other people who disagree with him.
3. He has a trend of getting “nastier and nastier”, your words
4. He will refuse you a decision, one that should made together, about your childs life.

Once you realize this, you will realize how the soul mate statement, the intense physical connection, and current lifestyle you are living right now is sinful. Its called lust, even if it could become something real.

Dont turn your back on what you believe for your pleasure.

Go to confession ASAP. Tell your BF that you are not going to have sex with him, and that if he loves you, he will at least TRY to be understanding. Ill pray that your mind catches up with your emotion on this subject.

 

[Viki63]

Much good advice here, though I know it is painful to hear.
Remember that statistically speaking, children follow the faith of their father. If the father skips church, the kids will leave as soon as they are allowed.
If and when you do have children, their salvation will become to you the most important thing in your life. And if you have them with this boyfriend, you will not be able to protect them from his agnosticism. Twenty years from now, when your children have stopped going to church and tell you that you’re silly for believing as you do, how will you feel about your choice?

This is a hard choice. But please choose Jesus Christ over your boyfriend. The BF will respect you for it. If you move out and tell him you’re not having sex with him any more, you will find out how he feels about you.

I know it isn’t 100% going to come true, though I’d like it to, but we have often discussed getting married in a few years.

Why is he waiting? Looks like he’s keeping his options open – he can have sex but dump you if he finds someone better. Marriage was made to protect women and children. It’s not something you get around to in a few years, after living together.
Do you want a proposal that sounds like “Well, I guess we should get married. Might as well.” Or something more like, “I love you with my whole heart, and want to spend my life making you happy?”
Which do you think you’ll get from this guy in a few years?

 

[Cojuanco]

Leaving aside the whole shacking up affair (which is, by the way, sinful, unless for some weird reason you live like brother and sister), the man seems, by all secular standards, abusive towards others. Sure, not against you, but what happens when the honeymoon effect wears off?

Then there’s the fact he won’t let you raise the kids Catholic. Another big red flag. While the obligation to try to raise your children Catholic is incumbent only on you, an actively hostile spouse is not ideal.

So my advice is, find a way to move out, and move on. You deserve better.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Wow, TheRealJuliane is the next best thing to Dr. Laura! Blunt approach and all.

Thanks for the compliment. I have to reign in that bluntness severely on this forum, or I get reminded by the mods that charity is the highest virtue. I never have liked mincing words. Say what you mean and mean what you say, and if you have something to say to me, say it, don’t try to hide your feelings or save me from whatever. It’s such a waste of time. I prefer to get everything out into the light so it can be discussed and addressed.

So God’s sense of humor paired me with a man whose family almost never says anything outright, and they are always doing at least some triangulating…

I feel for the OP - she’s made a huge mistake that she may not recognize for years. I wish she could step back and re-evaluate her situation with a clear eye, but since she is already physically bonded with this young man as though they were married, it’s going to be tough for her to read our words and not get defensive. You and I know better, because we’ve already lived the mistakes, but she will likely have to make the mistakes for a while longer before she understands. I can remember clearly, when I was still living without God in my life, wondering “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I ever find a good man?” when it was my own life that was completely broken. I had no requirements for men other than that they seemed to like me. That’s the sort of thing that happens when God isn’t in your life.

OP, your boyfriend is an angry, hateful atheist. That alone should be a deal-killer. So what if he’s great in bed? His character shows in the way he treats complete strangers. Maybe you didn’t know that he had his nasty streak to him before you moved in with him. I found out the hard way too, and had to flee in secret one day while my then-boyfriend was at work. I had no choice at that point. I wish I could have gotten farther away from him. I was working, thank God, and could hire movers to get me out of there. He harassed me at work and found where I was staying but eventually, he gave up.

I hope you are working. I hope you have a place to go when you decide you’ve had enough. I pray that day comes very soon.

 

[aemcpa]

What makes me sad is that this story is all too common, and the OP will likely read the unanimous opinion of 50 unbiased Catholics, many with first-hand experience in this area, and say, “They don’t know what they’re talking about. They don’t know him like I know him.”, and stay in her abusive and spiritually destructive relationship. She has a relatively easy out now - no marriage, no children - but many women in her situation wind up with marriage (and of course eventually divorce) and/or children, and many wind up leaving the Church because you cannot serve two masters.

All too clear from the outside, but so hard to see from the inside. I have no doubt that she would clearly see the need for a friend of hers in the exact same situation to run as fast as she can away from this guy.

 

[1ke]

Since “bananas” has only one post and has not returned, I am not convinced this is a real post. Perhaps it is a troll thread. But, here is what I will say:

You are not yet married to this person.

You are accountable to God for all your actions.

It will be you and you alone standing before him on judgment day explaining why you chose to marry a man with whom you knew ahead of time you would be denying the Faith to your children. It will be you and you alone who must explain why you failed in your parental duty to raise your children in the Faith and bring them to the Sacraments. It will be you explaining this willful act on your part to turn your back on the Church.

Would not want to be you in that scenario.

 

[agnes_therese]

Since “bananas” has only one post and has not returned, I am not convinced this is a real post.

I’m hoping that she hasn’t returned because she’s giving serious thought to the responses here.
Yep, I’m an optimist. But I’ve lived part of her story, and I know how it ends.

 

[EasterJoy]

Since “bananas” has only one post and has not returned, I am not convinced this is a real post. Perhaps it is a troll thread. But, here is what I will say:

You are not yet married to this person.

You are accountable to God for all your actions.

It will be you and you alone standing before him on judgment day explaining why you chose to marry a man with whom you knew ahead of time you would be denying the Faith to your children. It will be you and you alone who must explain why you failed in your parental duty to raise your children in the Faith and bring them to the Sacraments. It will be you explaining this willful act on your part to turn your back on the Church.

Would not want to be you in that scenario.

He is the treasure of her life. She may not have been prepared to hear, in effect:

Leave him
Leave him now
Leave him
What a sad situation…leave him
What are you thinking? Leave him
Leave him
Leave him
Oh, please, you think he’s your soul mate? Leave him
That’s not a soul mate. Leave him
No kidding. Leave him
Leave him
Leave him
C’mon, he’s probably a wonderful guy. (But leave him.)
Leave him
Leave him
Don’t-Walk-Run…Leave. Him. Now.

She did not move in with him because she couldn’t pay the rent. She moved in with him because she is pursuing marriage the way 95% of the world “seems” to be doing it now, which means she has developed a quasi-spousal relationship with him based on his other human qualities, qualities for which she has great affection, even though she isn’t sure that he’ll *ever *agree to marry her.

Emotionally, she’s just heard everyone say, “You love him. You want to be with him. You are right, however–based on his views as stated repeatedly (and, since you mentioned it, not at all nicely, which ought to worry you, too!) on the World Wide Web, he is likely to make you suffer for being Catholic, if you do marry you may well come to hate him and his contempt for your faith, and it is far for more likely that you will not see your children raised Catholic than that you will ever see him darken the door of a Catholic church. Oh, and by the way, what were you doing acting like all of your friends from every denomination, including ours, anyway!? That’s still not allowed!!”

If she were ready for that, I don’t think she would have posted here in the first place.

But yes, he’s not a non-Catholic who would be compatible with a domestic Church.

 

[TylerJordan]

One, you’re having sexual intercourse out of wedlock. Two, you say you believe and love in God but do you live Him? Three, You never mentioned anything about you praying for your boyfriend. Prayer is the strongest thing this world has to connect to Heaven. Mass, Rosary, Chaplet? You have a deep whole that you’re in right now and the only thing getting you out is prayer.

God Bless You,
-TJ

 

[TylerJordan]

Hello

Cohabitation before marriage puts you in many near occasions of sin. This may be tough for you, but I lived with my current wife for over 2 years, and never once had sex with her until our wedding night.

Personal desire is second to love. Jesus is love, so personal desire is second to Jesus.

This is one reason that I feel that this will not work. He does not respect your beliefs, and what you believe in.

We all love God. Faith is different though.

Faith - Complete trust or confidence in someone or something

Faith is living the life. I will not tell you what to do with your life, but I will tell you one thing from my experiences. If you trust Jesus, then listen to his teachings and follow them

So if you are standing before God, are you going to tell him that it is fine with him that your boyfriend takes shot and belittles his people?

Not trying to be harsh, just offering a different perspective.

Now is a good test to this, that you say must happen. IF this guy is not willing to be open to it, then are you going to lower what you believe in to please him?

Do not forget how a family/marriage is to work. God comes first, before your husband. \

I hope you understand that this means nothing. Being physically crazy about each other is the easiest part about a relationship to say goes well.

Sounds like someone who has their mind made up. Someone whos mind is already made up, becomes stubborn about the subject.

You are young, I would strongly urge you to take some of the advice here to heart. You are experiencing what many people do.

God, or your BF.

A choice you are going to have to make.

Let me give you a few earning signs.

1. He doesnt care about something you claim you deeply believe in
2. He goes out of the way to disrespect and belittle other people who disagree with him.
3. He has a trend of getting “nastier and nastier”, your words
4. He will refuse you a decision, one that should made together, about your childs life.

Once you realize this, you will realize how the soul mate statement, the intense physical connection, and current lifestyle you are living right now is sinful. Its called lust, even if it could become something real.

Dont turn your back on what you believe for your pleasure.

Go to confession ASAP. Tell your BF that you are not going to have sex with him, and that if he loves you, he will at least TRY to be understanding. Ill pray that your mind catches up with your emotion on this subject.

A-M-E-N!!!

 

[bananas11]

Much good advice here, though I know it is painful to hear.
Remember that statistically speaking, children follow the faith of their father. If the father skips church, the kids will leave as soon as they are allowed.
If and when you do have children, their salvation will become to you the most important thing in your life. And if you have them with this boyfriend, you will not be able to protect them from his agnosticism. Twenty years from now, when your children have stopped going to church and tell you that you’re silly for believing as you do, how will you feel about your choice?

This is a hard choice. But please choose Jesus Christ over your boyfriend. The BF will respect you for it. If you move out and tell him you’re not having sex with him any more, you will find out how he feels about you.

Why is he waiting? Looks like he’s keeping his options open – he can have sex but dump you if he finds someone better. Marriage was made to protect women and children. It’s not something you get around to in a few years, after living together.
Do you want a proposal that sounds like “Well, I guess we should get married. Might as well.” Or something more like, “I love you with my whole heart, and want to spend my life making you happy?”
Which do you think you’ll get from this guy in a few years?

I probably should have mentioned that I have been married before. To a Catholic. But he was abusive and we were granted an annulment. He wants to get married, but it is my choice to wait. A long time.
And my job won’t afford me to live alone. We have actually put a hold on sex some weeks ago for personal issues, so please note that this is not the only thing that bonds us. I fell in love for him many months before we slept together (which I know is a sin, but we are all sinners here.) We are splitting rent and sleeping in the same bed together, and spending time together in general is great, and we can talk about pretty much anything.
I spoke to him more last night about how I feel about my kids’ souls and how important it is to me that they get to heaven. He bent. He said he will go to church with us, and he said that Sunday school is fine. but that if they ever go to him and ask what he believes, he will tell them. He also swore that he would do so in a way that would not compromise their respect for me. We still have a long way to go, but it’s progress, at least.
As for us living together, I know it is against the church, but that’s not what I am seeking advice for, and it is only Jesus who can judge me. But I do appreciate all of your comments. They are definitely getting me thinking!

 

[EasterJoy]

I probably should have mentioned that I have been married before. To a Catholic. But he was abusive and we were granted an annulment. He wants to get married, but it is my choice to wait. A long time.
And my job won’t afford me to live alone. We have actually put a hold on sex some weeks ago for personal issues, so please note that this is not the only thing that bonds us. I fell in love for him many months before we slept together (which I know is a sin, but we are all sinners here.) We are splitting rent and sleeping in the same bed together, and spending time together in general is great, and we can talk about pretty much anything.
I spoke to him more last night about how I feel about my kids’ souls and how important it is to me that they get to heaven. He bent. He said he will go to church with us, and he said that Sunday school is fine. but that if they ever go to him and ask what he believes, he will tell them. He also swore that he would do so in a way that would not compromise their respect for me. We still have a long way to go, but it’s progress, at least.
As for us living together, I know it is against the church, but that’s not what I am seeking advice for, and it is only Jesus who can judge me. But I do appreciate all of your comments. They are definitely getting me thinking!

“which I know is a sin, but we are all sinners here” and “…it is only Jesus who can judge me.”…We’re not here to stone you. We are here to say, “Go, and from now on do not sin any more.” It is a spiritual work of mercy to admonish a sinner, and it is the duty of a Christian to turn from sin when we see ourselves in it, so it is very good you are not sleeping together any more.

Jesus had a one-on-one with a woman just like you. He didn’t condemn her, he didn’t let anyone else condemn her, but he told her clearly that she needed to stop what she was doing. You are not violating some administrative law of the Church, but one of the basic laws of God, and an ancient one. Take that very seriously, and do not rationalize that Jesus or the Apostles would say anything different to you than any ever said to anyone else.

He’s not the only roommate you could find. Look for a different arrangement to get your rent paid.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I probably should have mentioned that I have been married before. To a Catholic. But he was abusive and we were granted an annulment. He wants to get married, but it is my choice to wait. A long time.
And my job won’t afford me to live alone. We have actually put a hold on sex some weeks ago for personal issues, so please note that this is not the only thing that bonds us. I fell in love for him many months before we slept together (which I know is a sin, but we are all sinners here.) We are splitting rent and sleeping in the same bed together, and spending time together in general is great, and we can talk about pretty much anything.
I spoke to him more last night about how I feel about my kids’ souls and how important it is to me that they get to heaven. He bent. He said he will go to church with us, and he said that Sunday school is fine. but that if they ever go to him and ask what he believes, he will tell them. He also swore that he would do so in a way that would not compromise their respect for me. We still have a long way to go, but it’s progress, at least.
As for us living together, I know it is against the church, but that’s not what I am seeking advice for, and it is only Jesus who can judge me. But I do appreciate all of your comments. They are definitely getting me thinking!

I am glad you are being spurred into thinking more about this relationship. As for our advice about your living situation, it is part and parcel of your problem so we are indeed entitled to advise you about it as well, even if it might make you a tad uncomfortable.

Yeah, sure you can’t afford to live on your own, I’ve heard that rationale to live with a boyfriend over and over again. You’ll pardon me that I think it’s balderdash. I used to make a pretty low salary as an admin. assistant, but somehow I managed to live on my own after I left my then-shack-up-boyfriend. It’s all about what you want to do.

Just because you’ve temporarily stopped having sex doesn’t mean that the husband/wife “superglue” has stopped working. You are already bonded to him and that bond is not easily broken, yet you aren’t married to him. You can see that the bond is working by the fact that you are defending him and rationalizing his rather glaring faults (treating complete strangers like dog poop, being disdainful of Christians) out of your love for him. That’s a bond that should be reserved for the person who can help you get to heaven.

No matter how many discussions you have, he will not help you get to heaven, and it is likely that he will never see things from your POV. Why would you settle for this? My husband, who IS a baptized Catholic, although very lapsed, has told me that he resents the fact that his viewpoint has never been part of the boys’ lives. Thank God, he did not undermine me in educating and raising them as Catholics, but there is a part of him that hates me for it. This is heartbreaking in the extreme. I pray to St. Monica on his behalf each and every day, to bring him back to the Church and make him into the Catholic father our sons deserve. You cannot imagine the pain of not having a Catholic husband. I could tell you stories of the many nights I have cried and cried for loneliness. When we married, I had no idea I would ever return to the Church but the Holy Spirit called me back home, so here I am. I cannot discuss my faith and love for God with my husband, the man I love and respect most on this earth. He can do nothing to help me get to heaven. We do not pray together. He has taught our sons nothing about God, the Saints, our beautiful faith, our Catholic heritage. What they’ve received has been through me or their schools. Their dad has faked it well enough that they’ve never asked what he believes, but I know, and it breaks my heart.

I hope you will think about this more. I am telling you the absolute raw truth. Don’t sign up for this. Please don’t.