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My boyfriend won't let us raise our future children in the church
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Cojuanco
Guest
While it is good your boyfriend will go to church, unless he is a baptised Catholic, he is not obligated to go, even in the event of marriage, except for the wedding itself naturally. Of course it is a laudable thing for anyone to attend the Mass, so if your boyfriend wishes to attend, more power to him! Hoepfully God will grant him the gift of faith.I probably should have mentioned that I have been married before. To a Catholic. But he was abusive and we were granted an annulment. He wants to get married, but it is my choice to wait. A long time.
And my job won’t afford me to live alone. We have actually put a hold on sex some weeks ago for personal issues, so please note that this is not the only thing that bonds us. I fell in love for him many months before we slept together (which I know is a sin, but we are all sinners here.) We are splitting rent and sleeping in the same bed together, and spending time together in general is great, and we can talk about pretty much anything.
I spoke to him more last night about how I feel about my kids’ souls and how important it is to me that they get to heaven. He bent. He said he will go to church with us, and he said that Sunday school is fine. but that if they ever go to him and ask what he believes, he will tell them. He also swore that he would do so in a way that would not compromise their respect for me. We still have a long way to go, but it’s progress, at least.
As for us living together, I know it is against the church, but that’s not what I am seeking advice for, and it is only Jesus who can judge me. But I do appreciate all of your comments. They are definitely getting me thinking!
As for living together in a manner clearly not as brother and sister, you know it is a mortal sin, and I appreciate you are aware of that. I have no wish to demean you, but I urge you to look at the consequences of that. At the objectively least important, you would not be allowed to receive Communion at Mass, for doing so would be the sin of sacrilege. It is something that would need to be confessed in order to do so. This is not to demean you, but merely to ensure you understand the consequences of your choices.
As for your final sentence, I merely would aver that it is not merely the Church as institution that says what I just said on your living situation, but God.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
Just to clarify, the OP cannot confess the sin of fornication unless she has an intention to STOP doing it, i.e. she has moved out or is truly living as brother and sister (even this conveys a degree of scandal to others which is not wise nor prudent). So at this point, she is not able to receive the Holy Eucharist as she has not amended her life.
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Cojuanco
Guest
Yes, that is what I meant.
Mark121359
Well-known member
Wow! That is one powerful and compassion filled post! OP, please listen to TheRealJuliane, who speaks from her heart, and all the others who have posted here, giving you so much sound and well reasoned advice! And speaking of that advice…it has simply been exceptional indeed!I am glad you are being spurred into thinking more about this relationship. As for our advice about your living situation, it is part and parcel of your problem so we are indeed entitled to advise you about it as well, even if it might make you a tad uncomfortable.
Yeah, sure you can’t afford to live on your own, I’ve heard that rationale to live with a boyfriend over and over again. You’ll pardon me that I think it’s balderdash.I used to make a pretty low salary as an admin. assistant, but somehow I managed to live on my own after I left my then-shack-up-boyfriend. It’s all about what you want to do.
Just because you’ve temporarily stopped having sex doesn’t mean that the husband/wife “superglue” has stopped working. You are already bonded to him and that bond is not easily broken, yet you aren’t married to him. You can see that the bond is working by the fact that you are defending him and rationalizing his rather glaring faults (treating complete strangers like dog poop, being disdainful of Christians) out of your love for him. That’s a bond that should be reserved for the person who can help you get to heaven.
No matter how many discussions you have, he will not help you get to heaven, and it is likely that he will never see things from your POV. Why would you settle for this? My husband, who IS a baptized Catholic, although very lapsed, has told me that he resents the fact that his viewpoint has never been part of the boys’ lives. Thank God, he did not undermine me in educating and raising them as Catholics, but there is a part of him that hates me for it. This is heartbreaking in the extreme. I pray to St. Monica on his behalf each and every day, to bring him back to the Church and make him into the Catholic father our sons deserve. You cannot imagine the pain of not having a Catholic husband. I could tell you stories of the many nights I have cried and cried for loneliness. When we married, I had no idea I would ever return to the Church but the Holy Spirit called me back home, so here I am. I cannot discuss my faith and love for God with my husband, the man I love and respect most on this earth. He can do nothing to help me get to heaven. We do not pray together. He has taught our sons nothing about God, the Saints, our beautiful faith, our Catholic heritage. What they’ve received has been through me or their schools. Their dad has faked it well enough that they’ve never asked what he believes, but I know, and it breaks my heart.
I hope you will think about this more. I am telling you the absolute raw truth. Don’t sign up for this. Please don’t.
:clapping:Peace, Mark
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
Wow! That is one powerful and compassion filled post! OP, please listen to TheRealJuliane, who speaks from her heart, and all the others who have posted here giving you so much sound and well reasoned advice! And speaking of that advice…it has simply been exceptional indeed!
Peace, Mark
Wow, I’m so touched by this. I don’t do this for any kudos. I truly hope and pray that my story can in some way serve as a warning to people who may not understand where they can end up. I pray that my story may bless someone’s life in a small way. If I speak any wisdom at all, it is not me, but the Holy Spirit who speaks through me.
And with that, I’m getting off-line and enjoying the rest of the Lord’s Day!
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StMonicaGuideMe
Guest
He’s your soulmate yet he is aggressive towards God and His people? He is intolerant, likes to argue and spread untruth and lies? This is your soulmate? You really believe God wants you to be with someone like this? Please stop and THINK. We women have a tendency to allow our feelings to take over…nothing about what you described screams that he’s your soulmate.
**TheRealJuliene **is right - just because you’ve stopped having sex temporarily does not mean that the bond is broken. We are made to be bonded, hence why sex is so important. Furthermore, your boyfriend probably knows the Catholic Church’s stance on sex before marriage. You are sending the subliminal message to him that you break the Church’s teachings when you wish to…and this is very, very dangerous. It’s telling him that “oh maybe she’ll change her mind about the kids too…”.
I know this as a fact, because I was guilty of the same thing and now I am reaping what I have sown…
There are several issues here in which, unfortunately, you opened the door for negative influences. The devil is working hard to pull those close to Christ away, and what an easier way to do that with young people than through co-habitation/sex before marriage/etc. I’m not judging you at all, but I am simply stating the truth, and we have an obligation to the truth.
While this will be hard to hear, the truth of the matter is, you’re not even engaged yet and this is God telling you to not be with this man. If you two cannot agree on the most fundamental issues, then how will your house be harmonious? You are in fact obligated to remove any impediments to practicing your faith from your life - and it seems like your boyfriend is one of those things.
Trust me - get out of it now. I ignored the signs when my luke-warm Christian spouse-to-be discussed the church, and now, 2+ years into our marriage, he has become a staunch atheist, much like the one you’re dating. This has caused insurmountable pain and suffering for me, and our marriage is hanging by a thread. I’m telling you - YOU DO NOT WANT THAT.
Just imagine: even if he gives in now, what is to stop him from changing his mind once the children come? It will be a far worse situation then. I’m glad that you’re going to give this some serious thought. Pray to our Blessed Mother. Fast. Go to Confession. Pray. Pray a LOT. This is not going to be easy.
God bless.
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Ruthie_again
Guest
Julianne, I’ve added you and your husband to my daily prayer intentions. God bless you!
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Buck_Crosswhite
Guest
Get a Catholic boyfriend.
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StMonicaGuideMe
Guest
^ Amen to that.
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BingoBoy
Guest
Julianne, it seems like you always talk so negatively about your husband… it’s painful to read.
I’d feel so bad if your husband were to read this or if he knew you felt this way about him. You seem to hate the fact that you married him, and while you point out his resentment towards not being able to share his view point, you seem to fail to see your own resentment towards him… for not changing as you did.
There must be something good about him, no? Perhaps he doesn’t teach your sons about God or the Catholic faith, but hasn’t he led them by any type of good example? Good morals? A compassionate heart? Hasn’t he ever taught them anything that reflects good Christian values? Anything??
Try not to be so narrow minded- helping someone get to heaven doesn’t necessarily consist solely of praying with them and talking to them about God. If your husband has taught you or your children anything good in your lives, he HAS done something to help get you all to heaven.
And while it seems to devastate you that you don’t have a Catholic husband, can’t you appreciate the good things about the man you did marry? Can’t you instead look for the good in him rather than agonize over the fact that he doesn’t share your devotion? After all, no one is perfect, right? I’m sure there are strict Catholic husbands out there who in the end, may not be very good husbands or fathers.
Sorry to derail the thread… I just had to get it off my chest and I hope my post serves as encouragement for any wife/husband out there who’s non practicing spouse is still a good spouse and still worthy of some appreciation.
I do hate to personally call people out like this, so I said all this in hopes that someone else will read it and take something from it rather than feel the same way about their own spouses who may not be devout Catholics.
I will pray for you and your husband.
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StMonicaGuideMe
Guest
I have to disagree with your perspective about Juliane’s comments, and the line “I’m sure there are devout Catholic men who aren’t good husbands and father’s” is a red-herring. That’s not the point. The point is that when a faithful person has an unfaithful spouse, it causes a deep chasm and deep pain unlike much else. And she is absolutely within her right to express this pain, as long as it is truthful. The purpose of Christian marriage (other than children, obviously) is to help the other become more devout & to get to heaven.
Furthermore, her words in this specific thread are coming as a warning sign to a young woman who could be making a huge mistake. If the truth of her experience, however saddening, could prevent the pain of another, then I believe it is an act of charity to speak of it (again, as long as it is truthful).
Her words might be painful to read, but truth is not always pleasant. Speaking the truth, whether positive or negative, is required. And I hate to say it, there are some people who do everything they can to kill the good in them…so what if she’s in that situation? What if she is married to a man who shows no goodness or is intentionally killing the good? That does happen, you know.
Mark121359
Well-known member
This post was so unnecessary, and so not right. Here’s someone that is simply sharing her experience from her heart, to help someone who is possibly heading in to treacherous waters, and all she gets is grief over it…TheRealJuliane, May God Bless Your Precious Heart!
***Peace, Mark ***
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BingoBoy
Guest
Yes, advice is important for the OP… who may be heading in the wrong direction with her relationship (honestly I don’t think any of us can really know for sure).
Either way, I don’t think speaking about her husband in such a negative manner all the time (especially here) is a good thing for other wives/husband’s who’s spouses aren’t devout Catholics.
Ironically enough, I’m trying to give my own advice about what marriage means to me and about how it is important to look for the good in your spouse and I get grief for it.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
Thank you for your prayers. Did you miss the part about where I said that my husband is the man on this earth that I love and respect THE MOST?
Of course there are problems between us. I pray for him to return to God with all his heart, and I pray this every day and every night. It is my fondest wish, and not for my own sake, but for the sake of his soul. It is all I can do not to despair that he will die in a state of mortal sin, but in talking to my priest, I was told that this is not my responsibility but that of the Holy Spirit, and I should pray with every confidence and let go of any despair I might fall into. I know that I have not been enough of a Proverbs 31 wife, and I worry that perhaps if I were a better Catholic, I might have helped to lead my husband home already. My husband IS a Catholic, but lapsed to the point of agnosticism/atheism. I actually don’t know where he stands right now, because we can’t discuss it without having a row. So I just don’t bring it up, and I’m grateful that he is still going to Mass with me, even when the boys are not here. That small grace, perhaps not so small really, brings me to grateful tears. I have to believe that every moment he spends with Jesus is one step closer to a real breakthrough. Do I dare to hope for a Damascus road experience for him? He was a very devout young child. He was even an altar server! But he had a very bad experience that broke his heart and turned him away from God. He still blames God for what happened. If that subject comes up, his venom is turned on me, but he is still angry at God. It is not unusual - I could have gone that way myself when my mother died when I was 10.
Of course I don’t expect perfection from my husband. But when Jesus is at the center of a marriage, then both husband and wife share something that is the most important aspect of their relationship. Without that shared connection, there is something missing. I know what that something is, or more specifically, WHO that someone is. My husband is a very good man. I think he is better than I am, because he is good without feeling the connection to God that I do, yet he is good so much of the time. I struggle and have to go to the cross all the time. But just the same, we cannot truly communicate on a spiritual level. Yes, that hurts me. Yes, I have said it is a lonely life. If someone did not care to share their spiritual life with their spouse, perhaps it would not matter, but he is my dearest friend, my husband of 24 years, and I miss the part of him that I cannot have. The part of him that has been walled off for so long - against the pain he still carries inside.
I hope you can understand. I am laying it all out so that perhaps you can understand, it’s not a simple thing, and I am not just dissing my husband behind his back. I came here in the first place because I had nowhere to go with my love for our Church, and I needed to share that part of myself with others. I have Catholic friends but of course it’s not the same as being able to share that aspect of myself with my husband. We do better when we just don’t talk about it.
I’m sorry that you find my posts to be negative. That part of my life is not something I would recommend to others, it’s true. I love my husband dearly, and I want to see him in heaven some day. For HIM, though, not for me. I’d love to be here when he comes home. I’d love that so much.
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Ruthie_again
Guest
OP, if you’re still reading this…
If you are hoping your DBF (dear boyfriend) will convert, please don’t use that as the basis for marrying him. Look at Julianne’s example - that is what is in store for you. She didn’t have any idea, going in to her marriage, that this would happen.
But you do. And her experience shows you what to expect. Do not kid yourself! …Please?
And if that miracle happens (and I pray that it does), please give it a year or two. Some of us can unknowingly lie to ourselves out of love. If he does that, your waiting will reveal the reality before you make that commitment.
I’m still praying for both of you.
Blessed John Henry Newman, please pray for us all.
Ruthie
If you are hoping your DBF (dear boyfriend) will convert, please don’t use that as the basis for marrying him. Look at Julianne’s example - that is what is in store for you. She didn’t have any idea, going in to her marriage, that this would happen.
But you do. And her experience shows you what to expect. Do not kid yourself! …Please?
And if that miracle happens (and I pray that it does), please give it a year or two. Some of us can unknowingly lie to ourselves out of love. If he does that, your waiting will reveal the reality before you make that commitment.
I’m still praying for both of you.
Blessed John Henry Newman, please pray for us all.
Ruthie
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Jess5377
Guest
Aside from the religious aspects that have already been pointed out, if the man you’re with doesn’t respect you and what’s important to you, what exactly is the foundation of your relationship? You’re not judging him and accepting him, which is commendable, but you absolutely deserve that in return. 10 months in a relationship isn’t a long time. If you’re seeing things you know you don’t want to live with already, do you think it will get better down the road? You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. You can pray for his conversion as often as you like but if he isn’t willing to accept God in his life, it just can’t happen. I’m not trying to judge you or make you regret asking about something that’s obviously very personal but I hope you’ll think of your future and the lives of the children you may have before putting down any permanent roots with your boyfriend. All the best to you both and you’re in my prayers.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
I just realized that someone reading my lengthy reply might not understand what I meant by my last 2 sentences. I meant, “when he ‘comes home’ to the Church.” I would love to be still alive when he returns to our Holy Mother Church. Not that I have any knowledge of when I will die, but that I’d love to see it happen. Even if it doesn’t happen while I am alive, I will keep praying for him. I won’t ever stop praying for him.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for my husband and all who need to come home to Jesus, now and at the hour of our death, Amen!
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april32010
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Ruthie_again
Guest
Oh, that’s a great story, April! I’ve bookmarked it for future reference…
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