My boyfriend won't let us raise our future children in the church

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Ruthie_again said:
Oh, that’s a great story, April! I’ve bookmarked it for future reference… 👍
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Indeed. This should be placed on every thread where someone comes here and says, “My girlfriend won’t use NFP,” or, “My boyfriend won’t raise our future children in the Church.”

Edited to add: The end of the story includes a fiancee’ who decides to convert. This is NOT to be expected or planned for. And notice she is doing this BEFORE the marriage.
 
Thank you all for your continued advice. Here is where we are now.
I finally snapped the other night during a heated argument about God and hell. I am not a good debater, nor am I knowledgeable enough in details to respond to all of his “logic” and “evidence”. I begged him to stop, but he kept cornering me and telling me that because I didn’t have the answers, I knew I was wrong. I was in tears. I threw a stuffed animal at him and slammed the door in his face. I have NEVER acted like this before. So I decided that night, I have to find a way to end it. This will not be a healthy parenting combination for the kids in the near or far future.
HOWEVER, I truly am in a bind.
This has less to do with faith and God and more to do with life details, but I would still appreciate any advice, because you are all supportive and I can tell that you care about me and my soul!
Here’s my dilemma.
I am leasing an apartment which is up in March. My name alone is on the lease. It is $600 a month. I make about 800-900 a month, and it took me several months to find a place cheap enough for me and my boyfriend. I finally moved here, away from a roommate who didn’t get along with me, and a relative lent me some money for the first month until my boyfriend moved across the country and started paying half.
I love my job very much. It is 40 minutes away from my apartment, and I totaled my car in February. I got nothing for it, so I signed it away to the junk yard and will probably not be able to afford another one for an excruciatingly long time. I have been driving my boyfriend’s car to work.
So truthfully, I can’t afford a $600 rent by myself. I have a dog to take care of and am still paying off medical bills from my car accident.
So if I leave my boyfriend, I will be carless which will result in jobless, and in a few months homeless.
I work for Disney’s kennel, and it’s my dream job, and leaving it is out of the question.
I’m keeping it civil with my boyfriend right now. We are still technically in the fight, but he is now begging me not to leave him, and I have been lying because I’m sure I want to.
I know I got myself in this mess, but I need a way out.
Does anybody know what I should do?
 
First of all, good for you hun. That is a very, very, very brave thing you’re doing and it is the RIGHT thing, undoubtably. This is why it’s not a great idea to live with someone until you’re married, but now you know 😉

Your boyfriend cannot know you’re planning on leaving until you have a solid exit strategy. Is there any friends you can stay with for the mean time and sublet your current place?
You could technically just break up with him and live there until you figure out what to do but that’s really, really not ideal. And like you said, he wouldn’t let you take his car to work if you did.
Is there anyone at work you can trust? Can you carpool with anyone? I’m guessing bus or train is too far/expensive? Talk to your manager at work about your situation if you can trust them. Now’s the time to get out and I’m sure there are people willing to help. We’ll keep praying for you!

When you get a moment of calmness between you two, tell him it was unacceptable for him to corner you or yell at you. Ask him if that’s what he thinks a “moral atheist” should act like. Ask him if he thinks that behaviour is acceptable at all, or if a man should EVER yell in the face of a woman or berate her in any way. It’s disgusting behaviour.

In the mean time, get him to look at the videos by Fr. Robert Barron on WordonFire.com, starting with the one about hell:

wordonfire.org/WOF-TV/Commentaries-New/Fr–Barron-comments-on-Hell.aspx
 
StMonicaGuideMe said:
First of all, good for you hun. That is a very, very, very brave thing you’re doing and it is the RIGHT thing, undoubtably. This is why it’s not a great idea to live with someone until you’re married, but now you know 😉

Your boyfriend cannot know you’re planning on leaving until you have a solid exit strategy. Is there any friends you can stay with for the mean time and sublet your current place?
You could technically just break up with him and live there until you figure out what to do but that’s really, really not ideal. And like you said, he wouldn’t let you take his car to work if you did.
Is there anyone at work you can trust? Can you carpool with anyone? I’m guessing bus or train is too far/expensive? Talk to your manager at work about your situation if you can trust them. Now’s the time to get out and I’m sure there are people willing to help. We’ll keep praying for you!

When you get a moment of calmness between you two, tell him it was unacceptable for him to corner you or yell at you. Ask him if that’s what he thinks a “moral atheist” should act like. Ask him if he thinks that behaviour is acceptable at all, or if a man should EVER yell in the face of a woman or berate her in any way. It’s disgusting behaviour.

In the mean time, get him to look at the videos by Fr. Robert Barron on WordonFire.com, starting with the one about hell:

wordonfire.org/WOF-TV/Commentaries-New/Fr–Barron-comments-on-Hell.aspx
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Well, I lived with my ex husband for 2 years before we married. And I didn’t love him half as much.
I am not proud of that, but it’s true.

I can’t afford a moving truck for all of my furniture. I’ve only been here since october, and the only friends I have a work friends. Some of them live in apartments that don’t allow dogs, and mine is my best friend, and I’m taking him with me wherever I go.
I’m going to talk to a couple people at work, but it took me so many months to find a place and I spend so much time finally changing everything to this address.
This is all just very stressful.

And he wasn’t yelling at me at all, but he was just being arrogant and manipulative. And he wouldn’t let up. But I just want to make it clear that he’s never raised his voice to me.

This video is perfect by the way. Exactly the words I didn’t have. I will have him watch. THANK YOU!
 
bananas11 said:
Well, I lived with my ex husband for 2 years before we married. And I didn’t love him half as much.
I am not proud of that, but it’s true.

I can’t afford a moving truck for all of my furniture. I’ve only been here since october, and the only friends I have a work friends. Some of them live in apartments that don’t allow dogs, and mine is my best friend, and I’m taking him with me wherever I go.
I’m going to talk to a couple people at work, but it took me so many months to find a place and I spend so much time finally changing everything to this address.
This is all just very stressful.

And he wasn’t yelling at me at all, but he was just being arrogant and manipulative. And he wouldn’t let up. But I just want to make it clear that he’s never raised his voice to me.

This video is perfect by the way. Exactly the words I didn’t have. I will have him watch. THANK YOU!
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No problem 🙂 Fr. Barron’s videos are perfectly concise and he especially tackles the whole “religion vs scientism” thing that I’m sure your boyfriend harps on you about all the time.
Do you have a church community you can go to for help perhaps?
 
:crossrc:
Speaking from experience, just because he doesn’t yell or hit you doesn’t mean he’s not being abusive.

I had a boyfriend like that. Yes, I loved him more than anyone - until I met DH. When DH and I disagree, he doesn’t back me into a corner or manipulate me. We can be mad at each other without hurting each other’s feelings. I’m safe, even when he’s mad at me.

Thing is, when I was with Mr. Not Quite Right, I didn’t know how to love. How to have a healthy relationship, I mean; loving him was easy enough, it just hurt a lot. Same for him. It took me years to realize that he wasn’t the only one that was dysfunctional.

I don’t think Mr. Arrogant Atheist knows how to love you, either. You’re right to get away.

Can you have a roommate? (Is it a 2 bedroom?)

Is he on your lease? If you can have a roommate, then you could evict him and find a roommate. If not, the first thing to do is to find out about breaking the lease. If Ex can pay the deposit (so you get it back!) and sign the lease, let him. (Or, even, ask him to do that before you tell him you’re leaving.) See if you can find someone at work who will loan you space in their garage until you find a new place. (If not, rent a space.) And someone who will rent you a room until you’re back on your feet.

If/when you get the deposit back, you can start looking for a new place. Or maybe just find someone who is looking for a roommate. Cheaper, and not permanent. Then the deposit refund can be a down payment on a car. For a permanent address, you can rent a PO Box. (There are also places where you rent a box that has a street address instead of a PO Box.)

My heart is aching for you. I’ll keep on praying for you. Please keep us updated, 'K?

Your sister in Christ,
 
Ahh I just wanted to add that when I said backing into a corner, I meant figuratively. He backed into word corners haha. I agree is he being abusive on some level but he is respectful physically. Just wanted to clear that up too. I know I shouldn’t be defending him but, he would never do that.
His sister, who is one of my best friends, is coming to stay with us for a week and a half, so I will have no control of the car, and we have a ton of plans. So as soon as she leaves, I will be apartment hunting again. I’m hoping I can convince him to take over this lease. It is a 1 bedroom, by the way.
 
bananas11 said:
Ahh I just wanted to add that when I said backing into a corner, I meant figuratively. He backed into word corners haha. I agree is he being abusive on some level but he is respectful physically. Just wanted to clear that up too. I know I shouldn’t be defending him but, he would never do that.
His sister, who is one of my best friends, is coming to stay with us for a week and a half, so I will have no control of the car, and we have a ton of plans. So as soon as she leaves, I will be apartment hunting again. I’m hoping I can convince him to take over this lease. It is a 1 bedroom, by the way.
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With all due respect, and not to alarm you, but don’t swear that your boyfriend would never do X, Y, or Z. I never saw what happened to me coming either but people who have a twisted heart can do a lot of things you don’t expect. In retrospect I should have seen it coming, as that guy did violate my boundaries in some serious ways so it was just an extension of that, but the coin of his realm was his "love’ for me, which I needed too much. Thankfully, there was a line that he crossed and that was it.

Save every penny you can and put it in an account he doesn’t know about.
 
Pray of course, have a conversation with God, and ask Him to open a path for you to go. He’s your loving daddy and he’ll help you. Don’t doubt it. You are too precious to Him. Take Him by the hand and tell Him I trust in you! Have confidence.
 
I’m sorry you are in this situation.
  1. So you have an apartment you can’t/won’t leave.
  2. You don’t have a car
  3. You have a dog and medical bills
  4. Your monthly income is $800-$900 and it is a job you can’t/won’t leave.
So you are trapped by your own circumstances and desires. But being trapped is a terrible reason to stay in a relationship. What would I do or what would i recommend to my daughters (or sons for that matter), if they found themselves in this situation and I was in no position to offer any help?

$800/month is not full-time. If you are working 160 hours a month, even minimum wage would give you $7.25x160 = $1,160 month. Social Security and Medicare taxes would be 7.65% of that or $88.74. So you would be taking in just under $1100/month if you worked full time at minimum wage.

So, I would find a second job. I would save every penny from that second job to improve my situation. When your financial situation improves, then you can look for apartments and roommates that are close to your job. If you are closer to your job, then you also have more alternatives on how to get there. Car pooling choices expand, public transportation options would be easier - even riding a bike might be doable if you lived close enough.

It won’t be fun - and it won’t be easy. I don’t think you mentioned how much your medical bills are, so i have no idea how long it will be for you to pay them off. I also don’t know if you could find some state/federal programs that would help you pay for part or all of them.

You may have to stay in your current situation for a while until you can get yourself on your feet. But you can have a plan. Even if you and your boyfriend stayed together ultimately - I would say you should do so from a place of independence.

Are you in a large metropolis? If so, there may be options for finding roommates in a number of ways. Is there a church near to where you work - that you could post such things on a bulletin board - looking for a roommate - or a family that could rent you a room until you get back on your feet? (It will be more difficult with a dog, but that’s not to say it is impossible).

What you need to do is look at your life now from the vantage of what will it look like to you ten years from now. What decisions and hardships can you endure now - so that ten years from now - you will look back and say - I can’t believe that I did all that - but I endured it and now I have the freedom to live my life differently than if i had allowed my circumstances to dictate it. And you are talking not only of yourself - but your future children. It seems a small sacrifice to pay pay now for all that.
 
shainski said:
I’m sorry you are in this situation.
  1. So you have an apartment you can’t/won’t leave.
  2. You don’t have a car
  3. You have a dog and medical bills
  4. Your monthly income is $800-$900 and it is a job you can’t/won’t leave.
So you are trapped by your own circumstances and desires. But being trapped is a terrible reason to stay in a relationship. What would I do or what would i recommend to my daughters (or sons for that matter), if they found themselves in this situation and I was in no position to offer any help?

$800/month is not full-time. If you are working 160 hours a month, even minimum wage would give you $7.25x160 = $1,160 month. Social Security and Medicare taxes would be 7.65% of that or $88.74. So you would be taking in just under $1100/month if you worked full time at minimum wage.

So, I would find a second job. I would save every penny from that second job to improve my situation. When your financial situation improves, then you can look for apartments and roommates that are close to your job. If you are closer to your job, then you also have more alternatives on how to get there. Car pooling choices expand, public transportation options would be easier - even riding a bike might be doable if you lived close enough.

It won’t be fun - and it won’t be easy. I don’t think you mentioned how much your medical bills are, so i have no idea how long it will be for you to pay them off. I also don’t know if you could find some state/federal programs that would help you pay for part or all of them.

You may have to stay in your current situation for a while until you can get yourself on your feet. But you can have a plan. Even if you and your boyfriend stayed together ultimately - I would say you should do so from a place of independence.

Are you in a large metropolis? If so, there may be options for finding roommates in a number of ways. Is there a church near to where you work - that you could post such things on a bulletin board - looking for a roommate - or a family that could rent you a room until you get back on your feet? (It will be more difficult with a dog, but that’s not to say it is impossible).

What you need to do is look at your life now from the vantage of what will it look like to you ten years from now. ** What decisions and hardships can you endure now - so that ten years from now - you will look back and say - I can’t believe that I did all that - but I endured it and now I have the freedom to live my life differently than if i had allowed my circumstances to dictate it. ** And you are talking not only of yourself - but your future children. It seems a small sacrifice to pay pay now for all that.
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Wow–this is terrific life knowledge!
 
I would try going to your pastor and seeking advice. Pastors have a huge social network and many resources, and a great knowledge of faith and problems with the faith.

I would go to my pastor with any problem I could come across. The church can offer a lot of help in a lot of different areas. You may find a program or some people that can offer you aid.

It would be a good step to get out of this situation and start focusing on your faith a little more. At this point, you are the center of your children’s faith, so you have to be a good foundation for them until you can find someone who can help build their faith.

Ite in pace,
Joshua C.
 
You sound like a very courageous woman, and I truly admire you for it.

As someone who dated an atheist some years ago, I just wanted to emphasize that winning a debate does NOT make someone right. It’s easy to craft very convincing arguments that sound good but have serious flaws. It can be very difficult to spot those flaws in the heat of the moment, even if they’re ultimately fatal to the whole argument.

For complex issues such as faith and God, the nuances matter. Many times, I’ve believed or accepted something mostly on intuition, but months or years later, my brain finally worked out the rational basis for it. On an intuitive level, I probably had it figured out long ago, but it just wasn’t conscious yet. Intuition can certainly be wrong, but it can also be powerful and uncannily accurate.

It’s unreasonable to expect people to have eloquently-stated reasons for their beliefs on demand or to require them to dismantle counterarguments perfectly in real-time. Of course, we should have rational reasons for what we believe. But (particularly in deep and complex issues like this) you don’t necessarily have to know right now why you believe what you do for it to be true. So please don’t let your bf’s arguments undermine your faith. If only I had a nickel for every time I’ve lost sleep worrying over some atheist’s arguments, only to realize hours, days, or weeks later why the argument was wrong…

I’m not trying to bad-mouth your boyfriend here; I’m only trying to encourage you not to let being “cornered” hurt your faith, because at the end of the day, being good at debating doesn’t mean much. :hug1:
 
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