D
duskyjewel
Guest
sigh Where to start?
My brother and his wife divorced, and I tried to be supportive to him. He told us all that his wife had seemingly gone nuts and was out clubbing, bringing home strange men after she kicked him out of the house, hiding money from him, etc…
After most of the bad stuff had seemingly settled down, and they started to get agreements in place about kids, house, money and all that, my brother contacted an old girlfriend and started seeing her again. He knew that I thought he shouldn’t be dating (or his ex either) and should be focusing on getting his kids through the terrible time they were living through. But I didn’t harp about it. However, he insisted on talking about this girlfriend, and I was politely non-committal, basically saying, “how nice for you” or “that’s good” while he went on about the relationship. I tried really hard to just shut up and not start expounding all my own opinions on the matter. (Those of you who are familiar with my posts will know how extremely difficult I found that!) But then he told me he was going to the next state over (where she lived) for 8 days to visit her. I thought that was a really long time, and asked him if it was not his weekend to have the kids, thinking that would be why he has that much time available. He said, no, he was supposed to have the kids, but he would be missing “only one weekend” with them to go on this visit. Well, I couldn’t hold it in any longer, and said, “See, this is why I think you shouldn’t be dating!” And he asked what I meant, and I said, “You are already putting this relationship above the one with your kids!” He asked how he was doing that, and I said that he only got two weekends a month with his kids, and he was throwing one away to go see a girlfriend. He hung up on me and we haven’t spoken since.
Well, now, fast forward. Last Christmas, I sent him a potted cactus garden (guy alternative to flowers) and a note trying to patch things up. I even apologized for saying what I did and promised to keep my mouth shut in the future. I still don’t think what I said was wrong, and I think I really did try to not go off on him without reasonable cause, but I thought perhaps I could patch up the family if I said it. No dice. I told him in the note that I wanted our kids to know each other. They are the only cousins any of them have or ever will. DH and I both come from families of only 2 kids, and his brother has decided not to have any. Also, I don’t want my dad to have to schedule family visits around our fight. I would like to think we could all at least be civil.
Anyway, now I find out through the family grapevine that he has moved his girlfriend into his home. So when the kids come on their visitation, they don’t get time with their dad, they have to share him with his girlfriend. Everyone says they seem to like her, even my brother’s ex, but what choice do they have? Having lived through that kind of stuff myself, I remember the feeling of having to at least act like you liked Dad’s girlfriend if you wanted to have unimpeded access to him. My brother hated sharing our dad with his girlfriends, a fact of which I tried to remind him… but he would not listen. Anyway, last week my brother got carbon monoxide poisoning at work and spent a night in the hospital. The only reason I know about it at all was that he called my dad while my dad was at my house.
I do not want the next time I speak to my brother to be at his funeral. He does work in a dangerous job. But I don’t know what to do. I have apologized for something I don’t even think was wrong, I have offered to just shut up and grin in future. But he still will not speak to me. Another thing that’s odd is that his ex called me about a week ago, and she sounded so rational. I am wondering now how much of what we were told about her during the divorce was true. My brother has a history of lying to make himself look better and of blaming all his problems on other people. I live over an hour away and was not personally witnessing any of the events, so I have no idea what to think.
I think I want to patch things up. My brother and I were close as young children, and it hurts to lose that. But then I think maybe it’s better this way, because I don’t have to keep trying to be polite about his immoral choices (or explaining them to my kids), and he doesn’t have to deal with the fact that he knows I don’t approve even if I don’t say anything.
Perhaps I should regard him like my former best friend. We just grew up at different times and in different directions and became totally incompatible. And anyway, the ball is in his court. I have offered what I can. I don’t even know his phone number, as he moved, and I heard he will probably move again soon. I think I still have the right e-mail, but I don’t know for sure.
Should I keep trying to contact him? Should I let sleeping dogs lie? Should I just stop worrying about it and wait for him to make a move?
My brother and his wife divorced, and I tried to be supportive to him. He told us all that his wife had seemingly gone nuts and was out clubbing, bringing home strange men after she kicked him out of the house, hiding money from him, etc…
After most of the bad stuff had seemingly settled down, and they started to get agreements in place about kids, house, money and all that, my brother contacted an old girlfriend and started seeing her again. He knew that I thought he shouldn’t be dating (or his ex either) and should be focusing on getting his kids through the terrible time they were living through. But I didn’t harp about it. However, he insisted on talking about this girlfriend, and I was politely non-committal, basically saying, “how nice for you” or “that’s good” while he went on about the relationship. I tried really hard to just shut up and not start expounding all my own opinions on the matter. (Those of you who are familiar with my posts will know how extremely difficult I found that!) But then he told me he was going to the next state over (where she lived) for 8 days to visit her. I thought that was a really long time, and asked him if it was not his weekend to have the kids, thinking that would be why he has that much time available. He said, no, he was supposed to have the kids, but he would be missing “only one weekend” with them to go on this visit. Well, I couldn’t hold it in any longer, and said, “See, this is why I think you shouldn’t be dating!” And he asked what I meant, and I said, “You are already putting this relationship above the one with your kids!” He asked how he was doing that, and I said that he only got two weekends a month with his kids, and he was throwing one away to go see a girlfriend. He hung up on me and we haven’t spoken since.
Well, now, fast forward. Last Christmas, I sent him a potted cactus garden (guy alternative to flowers) and a note trying to patch things up. I even apologized for saying what I did and promised to keep my mouth shut in the future. I still don’t think what I said was wrong, and I think I really did try to not go off on him without reasonable cause, but I thought perhaps I could patch up the family if I said it. No dice. I told him in the note that I wanted our kids to know each other. They are the only cousins any of them have or ever will. DH and I both come from families of only 2 kids, and his brother has decided not to have any. Also, I don’t want my dad to have to schedule family visits around our fight. I would like to think we could all at least be civil.
Anyway, now I find out through the family grapevine that he has moved his girlfriend into his home. So when the kids come on their visitation, they don’t get time with their dad, they have to share him with his girlfriend. Everyone says they seem to like her, even my brother’s ex, but what choice do they have? Having lived through that kind of stuff myself, I remember the feeling of having to at least act like you liked Dad’s girlfriend if you wanted to have unimpeded access to him. My brother hated sharing our dad with his girlfriends, a fact of which I tried to remind him… but he would not listen. Anyway, last week my brother got carbon monoxide poisoning at work and spent a night in the hospital. The only reason I know about it at all was that he called my dad while my dad was at my house.
I do not want the next time I speak to my brother to be at his funeral. He does work in a dangerous job. But I don’t know what to do. I have apologized for something I don’t even think was wrong, I have offered to just shut up and grin in future. But he still will not speak to me. Another thing that’s odd is that his ex called me about a week ago, and she sounded so rational. I am wondering now how much of what we were told about her during the divorce was true. My brother has a history of lying to make himself look better and of blaming all his problems on other people. I live over an hour away and was not personally witnessing any of the events, so I have no idea what to think.
I think I want to patch things up. My brother and I were close as young children, and it hurts to lose that. But then I think maybe it’s better this way, because I don’t have to keep trying to be polite about his immoral choices (or explaining them to my kids), and he doesn’t have to deal with the fact that he knows I don’t approve even if I don’t say anything.
Perhaps I should regard him like my former best friend. We just grew up at different times and in different directions and became totally incompatible. And anyway, the ball is in his court. I have offered what I can. I don’t even know his phone number, as he moved, and I heard he will probably move again soon. I think I still have the right e-mail, but I don’t know for sure.
Should I keep trying to contact him? Should I let sleeping dogs lie? Should I just stop worrying about it and wait for him to make a move?
I was very nice about it. I delivered my opinion in the form of concern for them, and I mentioned my hurt feelings through tears. They still got angry with me.
.